I think what hurts the most is that you are so deserving of love and I wanted nothing more than to give it to you.
But you did not want it from me...Why? It is in that moment, I am 8 years old again, and I am shouting
//WHY NOT ME?! WHY WAS I NOT ENOUGH?!//
I have so much love for you that it makes me ache. It makes me angry. It traps me like an animal in a cage.
Why don't you want it? Was I too willing? Too honest? Or fundamentally, am I just not enough?
Has this all just been a reminder that no one really wants my love? That they settle, if only temporarily, until someone better comes along and they no longer need this placeholder.
How was it so simple and so easy to pretend? Sure, you never said the words, but your lips pressed against my forehead - your fingers interlocked with mine - we shared sorrows and dreams - //WE WALKED YOUR CHILDHOOD NEIGHBORHOOD//
How can it be true that it was nothing? How am I supposed to just forget and accept it? How could you know me so intimately yet care so little? How could you?
//OR MAYBE THE REAL QUESTION IS//
How am I still so dispensable after all this time?
are streetlamps heaven or hell? I walked beneath dozens tonight and each held maybe hundreds of moths. assorted insects found the light they sought after and died from the intensity of its glow. is it heaven they found or hell? it consumed them. it was everything they could hope for, and it consumed them. brilliant lights burning above them gave them hope of a better place. are they in a better place? I can't help but wonder. they don't look happy, but nothing looks happy when it's trapped in a cage, burning up bit by bit.