Does it matter to you that sometimes I tremble when you touch me
Not out of love but fear?
Fear that maybe you have the power
To turn into him
The power to become who and
What I fear the most
Power to make me feel sick
Make me feel weak
Make me feel empty
Make me feel wrong.
I love the way you touch me
But maybe I'm not always there
Maybe it's wrong
Maybe it's dirty
Maybe I'm dirty
Maybe I'm broken
You see cuz he broke me
He hurt me
He bit me
Right in the soul
A giant chunk of me that will
Never grow back.
Does it matter to you that I'm
Never coming back?
Does it matter to you that I feel
Broken like that?
Does it matter?
" The nice guy always loses " they sigh to me.
" Stop finding yourself along side bad people and you won't get hurt!"
But the 'nice guys' that are just like the rests were the ones that hurt me the most.
The innocent ones with koi gestures, shy smiles and sunken eyes.
The ones that hold the door open and pull the chair our for you.
The ones that were 'free to call whenever you need me'.
Only took my vulnerability and fed upon it like a pack of wild wolves.
The 'nice guys' are nothing more than text books and wikipedia pages.
They are predictable but vicious, Harmless but vindictive.
They are the ones that leave me now isolated.
How many goofy jokes and sweet smiles do I have to endure before I'm left with words cemented into my brain, and bruises upon my flesh.
How many soft hugs and ' No, I would never disrespect your body-s" Do I have to hear before I take another blade to my skin just to carve their touch off of me.
The 'nice guys' leave me clutching at my frame, voices raging in my mind where an eating disorder wins. If I starve until I'm nothing, no one can hurt me. Brittle bones and failed organs, hair loss and an exasperated heart. Pulling onto the fat of my body, desperately trying to find the bones that once protruded, digging my nails into the crevices of my ribcage and collarbones, My only safety is whats inside.
People wonder why I fall in love with alcoholics and drug addicts.
People wonder why I still reminisce about my ex.
But I was warned about him, that the drugs will always win but at least he taught me life lessons. He never laid a hand on me and he never tried to manipulate me like the 'nice guys'
The ones that control you though you're not theirs.
The ones that rule you with no right.
The ones that pollute your mind and leave you numb.
The ones that take everything from you.
The ones that use you, hurt you, beat you, rape you.
The 'nice guys.'
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me
Fool me three times shame on me
Fool me four times I lay bloodied & broken
Lingering wounds from your harsh words and hard fists
Trying to get a grip
Wondering why the fuck I'm still here
Your apology seems so soft and sincere
I guess I'll just stay here
Shame on me
I saunter into our dreary apartment
catch a glimpse of him
video game controller in hand, headset on
“Did you even look for a job today?”
disappointment and animosity linger in my tone
answer already known
He wears a dirty t-shirt, sweatpants
His hair an entangled heap of black vines squeezing what little intelligence resides in his narcissistic head
“Really? None of your fucking business!”
I had prodded the bear
If I never failed to do one thing, it was this
I feel my body lift and slam against the off-white livingroom wall.
His blistering breath smacking my face
my eardrums pound as I drowned out his piercing words,
time slows and speeds up simultaneously.
I am released
but only for a short time.
Thrown now into the kitchen chairs
memories play in my mind of stomachs punched and backs kicked.
In my own head now
“Don’t fall to the floor! Protect your middle!”
I balance the unforgivingly hard kitchen chair on two legs
Forearms over stomach
sleep at different times
Occasionally together but the distance felt between us is so vast it cannot be measured by the physical three feet
There is no lovemaking here
Rarely even sex
But when it happens I cannot help but get excited.
I feel my legs opening to enjoy only to be met by his bitter hand slamming them shut
Decimating the joy out of even this
It always ends the same
He leaves, I stay
Barricaded in the pitch black bedroom sobbing under unsympathetic sheets that mock such a miserable masquerade
I am helpless, ashamed
And too prideful to confess such happenings
Low and behold I see, beneath the surface of things.
Inner mechanics that twist and tie us together. The reflections of humanity, the decay and rott placed at our feet.
The way we sew our seeds, ripping through avast particular selection of prey we feed.
Overall becoming that vicious cycle, we take up to hand down, we repeat.
Im plagued with constant torture of painful memories. Traumatizing moments render me to my ultimate defeat.
Im left too the wolves to eat. Only my fowl stinch Drives them away.
Too abstain distance from myself the enemy, who cares to caress my ego and pleasure me with they're company?
Who can I take down or who is out their
Who is worse off than me? Rinse, wash, repeat...
I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does
I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in
But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.
But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie
That is to much to bear.
I have a question.
When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?
Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.
It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.
Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.
Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.
My stomach drops
And my leg shakes
As I try to remain calm.
He is sitting not 6 inches away from me.
I want to do something.
Just to try and put out the fire of pain lit within me.
He hurt me.
I can feel the heat of his body,
And the aura spreading off of him.
His orange glow tinged with the goal of hurting me
The goal to tear me apart
And it's working.
I can feel my body unraveling
Ready to curl my hands into fists
And connect them to the softness of skin
And the crunch of a bone.
My knuckles crying out for hit,
Not caring if they split,
Ready to leave a bruise wherever I hit.
One day it won't matter how hard I try to be
the best thing that ever happened to you.
One day, inevitably,
I'll drown in the puddles of sweat in my shoes.
Plodding down the hallway to your room
I'll knock softly in case you're in a mood.
How did I get here?
A sappy, pathetic thing, standing outside your door,
ready to shit myself if you're mad again.
I stand with sweaty palms outstretched when you open the door.
Your face... I should have known better then.
A hug. That was all I wanted.
You could have kept your frown.
One hit and I was down, drowned.
The door slams shut again.
I can't smell dinner on the stove anymore.
The blood fills my nose and drips to the floor.
But I can smell the gasoline that I later poured out...
On the floor where we once cuddled all night,
on the couch that we bought from your friend you text sometimes,
on the wall where I had meant to hang pictures of us smiling,
outside your door that you carried me through once, as a bride.
I don't want to drown anymore.
Just like we matched once,
one match is all it took tonight.
One match to erase you forever.
I took the dog that you liked to kick.
We still drive your truck I lost my virginity in.
We found ourselves a nice little beach house somewhere
because God it feels so good to swim.
I don't think you understand what I went through.
Every time I said I loved you.
I wanted to say I didn't.
But I was scared.
Scared you would hurt me, like the night of our 2nd date.
The second date.
Now I'm no Casanova, what you did wasn't romantic.
You hurt me.
You broke me.
You injured me.
Both mentally and physically.
Yet, no matter how hard I try to forget, I can't.
You can always forgive but forgetting isn't that easy.
What you did was wrong.
I still have no clue why you did it.
Why your eyes glimmered at me.
Why you smiled.
Maybe it was that stupid smile.
Because I knew from the first time I saw it, you were trouble.
I guess I liked that.
After a while I thought you actually cared.
Boy, was I wrong.
You lied to me.
Said you were joking around.
It was just for fun.
Nothing bad would happen.
Well, that was WRONG.
Everything about you is wrong.
I don't know how else to put it.
Now I'm no mathematical genius, but there's about 7 billion people on the planet.
You had the audacity to break at least one.
If not more.
And while I'm no longer important to you.
You still play a role in my life.
You still are in the back of my mind.
Contradicting everything I do.
Despite the fact I want to forget you.
Because what you did was wrong.
I'm still not over it.
No matter how hard I try.
For the first time I'm not scared to say it.
I don't love you.
I will cum
with your face in the forefront
of my bent up mind
and I will cum
I think of all the
you caused me
but if you ever feel
to reach out to me,
I might be a
screwed up sexdoll
who numbs her brain
with ashes and orgasms,
but even I deserve justice.
Get the F U C K away from me.