.
i.
The sky is on fire tonight,
reds, orange, yellow, tinged with black.
Rain pelts down like liquid bullets.
I stand in a doorway watching the street,
looking out for Agatha.
I light a cigarette and step into the flow.
Keeping an even pace, eyes scanning.
Agatha is on the rampage, she is angry.
No shit, she is fucking livid.
She runs a pleasure house down on Broadmead,
and her new girl has been wiped out,
abused and soiled, left with no light in her eyes.

ii.
Long blond hair and perfect stats,
a classic model for the pleasures of flesh.
An elite girl with always a smile,
never says no when asked to undress.
With perversions wide and eclectic,
she is designed to forever impress.
If your credit extends to cover time,
you can so easily buy her caress.

iii.
The melancholy sound of a trumpet seeks refuge in the night,
as a snare is brushed gently and cymbal tapped light,
the far away strum of a guitars soft dreamy strings,
playing the music that compliments what a lone voice sings.

iv.
And the rain keeps falling.
I light another cigarette and walk.
Listening to the word on the street,
noticing the petty criminals about their business.
But they don't concern me now,
tonight is for the cautious, being wary.
Blend into the crowd, fade to grey.
And keep an eye out for Agatha.
A drunk steps on my shiny brogues,
a stuttering apology and hasty getaway.
Must have been my stare of pure hate,
and disgust at being rudely interrupted.

v.
Long blond hair and perfect stats,
Rayna lay flat on her back.
Motionless, unmoving, still, dead.
The light in her eyes faded black.
Some john had purchased her favours,
enjoying his lust for an hour.
But he had lost all self control,
given her an internal golden shower.
Her android chips short circuited,
her batteries had all been fused.
Rayna the replicant pleasure girl
had been soiled and services abused.

vi.
Cigarette smoke hangs heavy like fog on the old river,
the damned sit at the bar sipping bourbon hand delivered,
the romantics dance on a floor that whispers charms,
planning their moves with the lover held in their arms.

vii.
Agatha was spitting feathers,
her anger could not be higher,
she hadn't even made first repayment
to the replicant girls supplier.
And Rayna was now destroyed,
a heap of synthetics for the bin.
A ray of hope hit Agatha's mind,
sell the spare parts for re-cycling.
But she needed to find the pervert,
to let go and vent her spleen.
She'd rip his fucking cock off,
and shatter his disgusting dreams.

viii.
The street light barely penetrates the grubby glass,
the bar winds down as yet another night goes passed,
customers sway at tables as they embrace a cloak
of the heady scent and effect of marijuana smoke.

ix.
Its getting late, time to go home.
One last cigarette for the road.
I check in for news or reports,
HQ is busy with the nights heavy load.
I finger the badge in my pocket,
like walking with a comfortable friend.
Its been a night of stress and avoidance,
but she will get to me in the end.

It had been an accident.
I'm at that age you see.
Immediately after climax,
I desperately need to pee.

I can't see what all the fuss is about,
its only a dumb blond machine.
But even if Agatha catches up with me,
I have the Department to swear I'm clean.
Stubbing out my cigarette underfoot
as at last I approach my door,
I wonder at a world gone mad,
caring so much for a robot whore.

x.
Long blond hair and perfect stats,
Rayna deceased before her years,
she was popular with the other girls,
who now cry electric silicone tears.


© Pagan Paul (19/09/17)

.
So many issues in this write. PPx
.

I thought I lost the best part of me
When you walked out so easily
Now I realize that you leaving
Saved the deepest part of my sanity
You tortured my mind and made me sick
I'm fucked in the head from all your shit
I wasn't wrong to love you
No, I was wrong to stay
But I know in my heart that
You'll regret it one day

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

The years of these blades
And the gallons of poison
In no way compare
To the place you have me in
Conditioned my mind
To sensor my thoughts
Just to avoid
The brutal nights when we fought
And I was never enough
It was always the same
Even when you fucked up
I was always to blame

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

All those nights spent alone
When I needed you most
Should have been enough
To convince me to go
But no, I stayed with you
Did whatever you'd say
I became your slave
Your personal outlet every fucking dayy
Ugh

FUCK YOU! For all that you did to me
FUCK YOU! For the haunting memories
They're burning my heart
And plaguing my mind
You cannot escape what you cannot unwind

You said you loved me
Bitch you don't know how to love
You only play your childish games
And run away when life gets rough
Ugh

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In shit I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never fucking sleep

Something I wrote forever ago about the toxic relationship (wasteland) that was my first love.
Sarah 21h

your grip was always cold and harsh,
it left bruises with colors of autumn leaves,
they were beautiful on my pale skin,
your eyes were enchanting,
a piercing blue that sparked like a faulty wire,
your ideas were wild,
as wild as your hair in the early morning,
as wild as your personality,
as wild as the look in your eyes when i mess up,
i know i have done something wrong,
but your love is warmth after you make me feel cold,
you tell me you love me,
your lips whisper promises i know you cant keep,
but you love me you say,
you say you mean it,
maybe that's why i stayed,
but your love was a lot to handle,
if the love you promised me was this damaging i wouldn't have stayed,
the pale technicolor bruises have spread,
my silence makes you happy,
that faulty wire that lit up with your passion is tied tight around my neck,
the blue color of your eyes has spread onto my skin,
i cant breathe,
untie the wire,
your wild ideas have gone too far this time,
i cant. breathe.

Written 9/18/17
50RR0W 1d

Hello my good friend, Darkness!
How have you been?
Me? Oh I've just been a mess.
Going back there time and time again.

Where you ask?
Oh I'm glad you did!
Its the bottom of a flask!
I know I know, God forbid.

I come here from time to time.
Just trying to find somewhere to put my mind.
It beats the pain and agony that puts me in a bind.
But its a better than being left behind.

Now I drink to forget the old!
To make way to new and better!
No this does not make me cold.
But it also does not put me off kilter.

Oh no, is it time for you to go?!
I'm sorry that you couldn't stay long.
Now don't be a stranger, you can always come say hello!
Because you'll always be there if something goes wrong.

I have been drinking a lot more lately. Mostly to help me sleep due to anxiety driven insomnia. Just a beer or two before bed mostly but a few weeks ago I was going to the bar after work four, sometimes five times a week. Spending money I didn't have or having my coworkers buy me drinks. I know I must not become reliant on it but right now its the only thing that is working. Hopefully it'll change.

You wrapped your arms
around me in the middle of the
night, I almost forgot what it
was like to be cared for,
until you reminded me.
And when I came over
and took care of you
while you were drunk
I was in fear,
because growing up
and even in past relationships
I only saw violence in
intoxicated men.
But when you looked at me,
while I was only wearing
an old T-Shirt and shorts,
and called me beautiful
I knew I shouldn't be afraid.
You started showing me what it's
like to be cared for,
instead of abused
and used.
And I know I may be scared sometimes,
almost like some sort of
bad PTSD,
but please just stay with me.

Im still clapping
My illusionist
My performer
My phantom
But not for you
Not because,
I miss you
I ache for you
I still love you
But because
You are still performing your show
Your song and dance that others see
As your sweet innocence,
I see as your elegant performance,
If you show people your slight of hand
They never see whats happening
Behind the curtain
Pain
Abuse
Fear
But my sweet nothing
But i wont miss you
Ache for you
Love you

For how can i love someone
Who doesnt even exist?

Everyday i died.
Everyday i doubted
Everyday i felt insane
Everyday i lived in fear
Everyday i hated myself
Everyday i didnt eat... sometimes.
Everyday i bent to your will
Everyday i suffered in silence
Everyday i hated you
Everyday i couldnt take it
Everyday i thought of running
Everyday i dreamed of what it could be like
Everyday i lost my trust in everyone
Everyday no one could understand
Everyday i lost myself
Everyday i crumbled
Everyday i felt ashamed
Everyday i couldnt recognize myself anymore

BUT NOW...

Everyday i get a little stronger,
Everyday i get a little braver,
Everyday i hurt a little less,
Everyday i feel a bit more free,
Everyday i trust a bit more,
Everyday i feel a little wiser,
Everyday you control me less and less,
Everyday im a little happier,
Everyday i find myself
Everyday i feel proud
Everyday i follow my heart
Everyday i find a bit more of myself
Everyday i put back pieces you stole
Everyday i heal...
Everyday i grow...
Everyday i am reborn...
Everyday i am more me than i was before
Everyday i am thankful for what ive survived
Everyday i am alive...
Everyday i am living in spite of you.

sofia 2d

i)
body so full of stories
weary traveler, so fatigued  
all her smiles
only ever seem lazy

ii)
mind like an empty cavern
hands like stone,
to hold or to hurt
earthquake tempers

iii)
glows when he talks
bright eyed,  
his words radiating through my body like rays of warm sunshine
melting through my bones

You know, I never actually got away?
I left those 4 walls long ago
But the friends I made while I was alone..?
Still keep me company inside my head

They remind me every day
That Im not capable of  making good choices.
That it's safer to be alone, behind walls.
That crying is not just weak, but dangerous.

Because when people come inside,
They will hate you.
They will hurt you.
And worst of all,
They will never. Even try. To understand you.

You probably aren't worth the time.
Or even the space you inhabit.
You are possibly a vile and useless creature
Born to be wrong, and always sorry.

So don't be late
Don't defend yourself.
Don't cry - and if you do:
Don't ever let them hear you.
Don't say one fucking word,
Of one fucking thought,
Out loud. Ever.

Those are the rules.
And if you ever find yourself struggling
To follow those rules:
Stop breathing until it gets easier.

Its been years now, but...
I never actually left that room....
Those 4 walls came with me,
And I carry them inside every day.

On good days they keep me safe.
And on bad days they close in so tightly,
That it gets dark, and hard to breathe.
But on any given day?
I just feel... So damn heavy...

"What was hell like"
The little girl asks me
With eyes full of innocence.
"Hell is growing up in a house that only taught hate,
But have hope darling
Because I've seen heaven.
Heaven was learning there is so much more."

Next page