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Evie Oct 10
I

my friend
how has fear consumed my lungs
how i dare not open mouth
for i choke years worth of screams
how a body
became so moldable
so willing to feel hands
it just stopped
being
i was created on saturn's ring
my body constricted
my mind an obsession
breathing
living
meat
quickly rising
quickly falling

II

friend dare i say i miss you quite a bit
even though you called me a freak quite a lot
words that are like fists
become set in stone
your mind a raging ocean
and me a human
barely with my head above it.

III

i was once travelling
and on the bus a man was sleeping
and i started looking at man
and oh friend i was fascinated
how when he woke up
he rubbed his eyes
he drank some water
and i started crying
because how human of him
to be thirsty
and to rub the sleep of
and to sleep
i envied him
i wish i could sleep
for quite a while
maybe even forever
maybe... maybe i shoul..
wait where is it
i can't find my body
maybe i left it on that bus
or maybe it's in his house
or maybe it's still in school
maybe even with you friend
i shouldn't be so calm
i shouldn't panic
i hear your smile
''you truly don't care about anything''
where is my body
whereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybody
i hear your smile
''that's what happens when you design things too much''
friend please
stop
help me find it
find me

IV

i saw you in a dream
and you laughed like you were manic
and i naturally i laughed along
i noticed
you had fists for hands
knuckles white squeezing
i couldn't breathe suddenly
laughing turned to sobbing
your hands were red
blood so much blood
covering you
a hole in my shirt
my favorite shirt
heart was gone
you were gone too
screaming didn't help
waking up is not an option
i mean my heart i have to
i need to find it
what are they gonna say when they see the hole
so i run and i run and i see you
in different cheekbones
or brows
mostly eyes and noses
but it is never you
kidnappers are hard to find after the initial hours
and how long was it since i last felt a heartbeat
hours?
has it been months?
or even..years
i'm losing hope
there are still parts to be found
my body
my sick breathing clay
my body
i think it's finally time to

WAKE UP

V

let me look for you one last time.
if someone actually reads this whole thing i love you
There were warning signs to beware,
great walls you had to climb,
more parcels inside,
sealed with labeled reminders
to handle with care.
That a wrong cut of a wire
could trigger explosives,
that the place wasn't just fragile,
it was also volatile.

There's a reason why
from miles away you'd been told
to keep your own distance.
Why this wasn't just something
you could happen to stumble upon,
but a shipwreck, a paper town,
a lost city you needed to find.

When it dawned upon you
that this was not paradise
but a haunted cemetery of some kind,
you snuck your way back
to the hole you fell into
burning the place to the ground,
like the ones who came before you.
Inktober 2019
Day 8
Prompt: Frail
Physically being alone is just a toothache
A dull reminder that something is missing, or that something is lost
Realizing that you have no one to share your day with
No one to tell your hopes and dreams
Even on our greatest days where we have found within ourselves the kerosene to brighten our flame and chase away the dark
Our toothache flares and finally we feel the buckshot that is mentally, spiritually and totally alone
It invades like an infection creeping through our muscles until bed becomes a form of open casket
Rotting away our heart and soul until finally our optic nerve gets reached
This cancerous emotion erodes our sight and stops us from seeing the light outside ourselves
We stumble in our new found dark
As our brain is corrupted we reach these dark hallucinations that if there is no one to share our good day with then what is the point of having good days at all
Before we know it our bodies are no longer our own, we feel unsettled in our own skin.
Not even our own company is enough
Ronin Sep 23
Dear Dad,

You said you'd always be there
But you're nowhere to be found
I can't believe you left me
Feeling worthless and confound

There's nothing I can do anymore
I trusted you with all my heart
And you just left me aching
You're the one who tore my life apart

You learned me not to trust
Your promises you would keep
But you always betrayed me
And made me feel so cheap

Now you're the one that’s backstabbed
And left all alone
I told you you would ache like I ached
At last, it’s my turn to disown

I could never forgive you
Even if I tried
And how could you make it up to me
You still think you were right

I hate you for what you did to me
And I wish you would just die
Don’t take me wrong, I know it’s selfish
But I already said goodbye

And when you need me
I want you to know I won't be there
I hope one day you’ll read this
And feel the same despair

I don't want your broken promises
And the empty words you speak
All I wanted was a Daddy
One that’s strong instead of weak

I'm truly sorry, Dad
For all the words I say
You know I'll always love you
But your so-called “love” can’t make me stay

I've moved on with my life
Without you to watch me grow
But I’m done letting you hurt me
And with feeling oh so low

In a way I want to thank you
Because of you I'm strong
And I just wanted you to know
Unlike you, I didn't turn out wrong.

Love,
your Daughter
Gut wrenching and open. Raw. Exposed. Loving yet truthful.
Those are the exact words used to describe this poem. It's about my Dad, and the way he always treated me. He didn't physically abuse me, so it took me 14 years to realize that he was hurting me, but with his words rather than his hands.
i feel very alone in these moments
where i don't know who to talk to,
don't know who's ready for me
or if there's anyone at all who is

times like these make me feel as though
i can help but not be helped and
i shouldn't complain, i'm not lonely
but i'm just feeling so lo

i tell my friends it's just my meds,
the dose just isn't quite right
but what if it's not? what if it's me
and my fear of vulnerability?

please, i don't want you to go
like all the others who came before
listened to me talk, answer their questions
then turned their back on us

i guess the weight of my problems
is part of the cause; i'll never cut
down to the root, because the mass
just sinks it further

and i guess the weight is part of the cause
they choose to sink or swim,
and away they go, fleeing fast
as i tread the water, breathing shallow
I let down my walls for you--
a complete stranger with sad eyes,
hunched figure, face down,
back plastered in dimly lit corners.

We held hands as we toured through galleries,
artificial sceneries, and slopes overlooking the city.
I let you sit beside me in craters other people dug up
just to see if you could fill in the spaces they left.

But you dug your own,
left me wondering how you could
claim love, promise me new planets
and then leave
just as they did.

I let down my walls for you--
even when I knew I'd risk drowning
for people whose words slowly turned into lies
once they decide to abandon ship.

I let down myself,
in hopes that maybe you wouldn't.
But you did,
the worst part was all of you did.

Now my walls aren't the only ones left crumbling
but my deteriorating furnished interiors
barely holding up the framework
of what the people I love keep tearing down.
11.23.18
07:36
cupid Aug 20
why do you write me as a monster
you introduced him and i

you shaped me from those summer days
you threw me from my dreamy daze

you called me brother before i shed my skin
you intoduced me to my sins

i was pretty eyes and scared white lies
you were lost in wonderland

i never wanted to rule
i wanted to be a knight

my dreams of fighting for you faded
i cared not of queens

i became a traveler in the village
my steps jingled and i led the youth in laughter

you took back the throne you left for me

i want know why the tyranist writes me as a monster
he gave me my prince and my sins

i wanted freedom is all
i didnt want to fight anymore
i went back to read my sisters poems, i think they were very much about me
You said dry your eyes and you promised that you wouldn't leave me,
But man how times have changed..
You made it look so easy.
It's like someone set a bomb off inside my chest,
You steady played me..
I guess you lied when you said you're not like the rest...?
I wanted more, you wanted space,
My thoughts were cloudy and my heart began to race.
We was so close but there were so many signs of danger,
Next thing I knew..
We somehow became strangers.
I'm not used to that,
I'm not used to hearing you say that you don't love me,
I'm not used to you putting everything and everyone above me.
**** you could have spoken to me..
I would have respected you a lot more,
But now I'm just stuck with this image of you walking out the door.
What happened to us being able to communicate?
All those times I gave you my last..
You didn't stop to appreciate.
I felt it before you slipped.
I felt the pain from miles away...
No matter how in denial I was I knew it would happen one day.
Then it did and it hit my heart heavy,
How can I keep my balance when we ain't even steady??
We're not on the same page, we are well off track..
The person I fell for I prayed for her to come back.
Man what a year it's been,
Losing everything I loved trying to find myself within.
But **** you made it look so easy not to care,
I wish I could forget all the feelings that are still there.
It's crazy how fast someone you love can become a complete stranger..
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