I was wondering along the cemetery my family is buried in.
My mom told my a few headstones down from my grandparents was a baby girl who died at one month and one day old. Named Rebecca. My heart stopped.
I thought of you.
My “freshman year of college” when we fell in love.
At the time we weren’t together, you loved Heather why should I have told you?
I was pregnant the first Christmas we faught, yelling in a target parking lot. I begged you to love me and you left me in the snow crying.
I wasn’t going to tell you.
At New Years you came to meet me- but it wasn’t me you wanted. You told me you loved me so you could **** me and leave me before midnight.
I remember kissing one of my best friends instead that night at midnight.
I told her that I thought I was pregnant. She kissed me and told me it would be okay.
I never got to meet you, I only got the greeting of your demise.
But I always felt you were a girl.
I was right with my instinct when I found out about your brother.
I just hope my little girl wherever you are, you are safe and happy. I asked Rebecca to stick around, I told her it’s okay if she wanted to follow me too.

(tw; abandonment)

A feeling I never thought I'd feel,
but here I am, writing a poem about you

Do you think about me, too?

You're always on my mind,
even more than the ticking of the clock is
because you know I'm always really excited to get home
so I can talk to you without glancing up every second
to see if the teacher's looking

But at the same time,
thinking about you makes me think about
how scared I am of losing you

My number one fear has always been losing people,
and it's happened so many times, over and over again

It's a vicious cycle and losing you might just do me in.

I can't breathe without you,
but even when I'm with you,
my breathing is labored

Because how do I stay calm
when I'm hanging off of the edge of this cliff you dangled me over
(unintentionally, of course)

My heart is pounding in my chest,
no peace, no rest,
and as much as I love you,
the fear of losing you is something I'll never be able to overcome

The fear of dropping to my doom is something
I will never be able to forget

As much as you comfort me in my time of need,
that fear always sneaks back

Hiding under my bed like the boogeyman,
and I start to wonder, 'is it worth it?'

Yes. Yes, it is.

It will always be worth it.

Because the fear I feel of losing you is much less damaging
then the suffering I feel without you

(tw; abandonment)

I don't belong.

First thought:
This is sweeping generalization,
an overdramatization of the truth,
the truth that everyone belongs somewhere .
Everyone has a place, a purpose,
a reason for being here, and if you were put
on this godforsaken Earth in the first place,
you belong somewhere.

Second thought:
What even does belonging mean?
It's just a word, belonging,
a word we assign meaning to,
a word that really means nothing.

Third thought:
Here we go again.
Millennials and their **** whining,
always whining about nothing.
attention-seeking, that's what this is,
just attention-seeking, nothing more.
If you want a place to belong,
you can **** well find it on your own.
Take some **** initiative.

Fourth thought:
You're overreacting.
You're reading into things,
seeing things that aren't there
No one dislikes you, you're fine,
if they didn't want you around,
they wouldn't have invited you.

Fifth thought:
Oh god.
They hate me.
Oh god.
Just keep making weird noises,
keep getting them to laugh.
If they laugh, it's fine.
Everything's fine.

(tw; abandonment)

How long has it been?

So long that the number escapes me,
long enough that I've forgotten the last time I saw you,
face to face, spoke to you,
long enough that sometimes,
I forget what you look like,
how your voice sounds.

Have you changed since we last spoke?

It's not often, but on occasion,
you slip into my subconscious,
and I remember you vividly,
like it was just yesterday that I saw you,
when in reality, it's been... years.
Once, I dreamed that you hugged me.
I miss that feeling,
I miss the enveloping warmth,
the feeling of love I used to get when I was around you.

Do you dream about me?

I graduated from high school this summer.
I never thought I would,
or that I even could, but I did.
You weren't there.
I looked out into the crowd of people,
of families.
I saw mine.
But the one person I was hopeful to see wasn't there.

When did you lose interest in me?

I still have your letters.
I avoid reading them,
but I remember the promises you made in them,
the assurance that you would change,
you would be a better you and love me like I deserved.
I found it hard to write back.
I didn't know what to say.
I was young, immature.
I had the words in my head,
but putting them on paper,
that was a whole other mountain to climb,
and even for one so young,
my arms were weak
from the mountains I had already scaled,
hands calloused,
damaged from the harsh edges of the life I lived.
It was too daunting.
But, still, I hoped you would stay true to your word.

Why did you lie to me?

All this time I've spent alone,
trying to fill the void you left behind,
with anything and anyone I had access to,
and I always end up more broken than I started.
It's hard to believe that anyone will ever love me
because you didn't.

Am I unworthy of your love?

There's so much I've wanted to say to you,
and even when I try to reach out,
you have nothing to say in reply
so much will be left unresolved,
because there's a good chance we will never speak again,
that one of us will die before we can sit down and talk,
like we haven't done in so long,
but if there was one last question I could ask you,
it would be...

Do you miss me, father?

settling for less is the war
everyone's trying to flee from,

but in fact,
settling for less is
an extra shot of espresso
in the coffee that we
drink each morning
in an attempt
to avoid being alone
for the rest of the day.

a man ruins my childhood
a man ruins our sisterhood
a man ruins her motherhood

but it all happened cause
we thought we loved them while
we only wanted to be loved