I wonder when it was that we really met
was it when he first lied to me
or the time I tried to jump out the two story window at 5 years old

was it when I first felt the bugs crawl beneath my skin as you touched me
no longer sparks flying but an electrocution without the quick death

perhaps when my dad spat that he was ashamed of me
and my mum said he wanted me out of his sight
off of his site
“get off of those sites”

when I locked myself in the shed at 6
I screamed and cried
not wolf, but Rapunzel
climb up my hair, rip it out of my head and

now it is 12 years later and I don’t cry to be let out
I cry to be let gogh
and drink paint and drink paint andrink p ain’t
it silly?

if only you were looked after

They were not expecting him.
He rang to ask for a room
for a few days.

Then he rang his mother
to say he had arrived ok
and would be staying
at the abbey.

He went by taxi
as it was quicker than the bus
and he just couldn't cope
with the crowds
in his state of mind.

He arrived about twelve.
A monk showed him the room
and he unpacked
what little he had managed
to bring with him.

He sat in a chair
by the window
and looked at the roof
of the church.

What now?
He mused.

He wondered what she
would be thinking.

She'd be wondering
where he was
and why he'd not returned
from the town
as he said he would.

Would it dawn on her
that he'd left her?

Other thoughts would go
through her mind.

Had he had an accident?
But it would gradually
dawn on her that he'd left.

He had an hour to kill
before lunch.

He left the room
and went for a walk
in the abbey grounds
down to the sea shore
through the woods.

Standing there
he lit up a cigarette
and watched the sea.

He thought to himself
what will become of me?

Do not fall in love with girls like me

I will stray away and become a recluse and forget your name
But you, you will still feel the poison coursing through your bones that was injected the first time I kissed you
You will still taste the bitterness of my name on the tip of your tongue for years to come
You will still feel the sting of my embrace and my finger tips grazing your thigh long after I have run off
You will hear that one song and remember the haunting melody of my voice whispering to you during our late nights

Girls like me do not start with the intention of being this way
Girls like me dream about love and romance and living together in holy matrimony
But girls like me are full of fear and abandonment issues
"Leave before you get left" plays like an alarm in my mind over and over

Do not fall in love with girls like me, unless you are a masochist

I thought your lips
created a home on mine
But a home is not a home
when you abandon it.

I can't tell you
That every single day
I wake up and I think
"Maybe today"
"Maybe I'll do it today"

Maybe today I'll end it
Write my goodbyes
Make a phone call
And then kill myself

I can't tell you
That I feel like half a man
That without her, I am missing
All the best parts of me

You don't understand
That for years, these demons
Have been in my head
And she saved me from them

She saved my life
I was going to die
Young, and at war
But she gave me hope

I can't tell you
That I am an inch away
From just drinking and drinking and drinking
Until I can't remember her face
Or her laugh, or how it felt to hold her in my arms

Until I can't remember how happy I was
Until I forget how she made me feel
How we would just stay in bed
And talk

I am so close to giving up
But I can't tell you that

Dear Madolyn,

God dammit
Shut up
you obnoxious piece of crap
Get your brain to work
keep your problems to yourself
because no one really cares
The more you talk
the more you grovel and complain
the sooner they’ll want to leave
don’t you see?
Why haven’t you realized
you’re charity work
beggars aren’t choosers
so stop demanding love
Stop opening up so quickly
you’re too quickly won over
don’t you realize no one wants
a broken girl who will be friends with anyone?
Take words with a grain of salt
as so many people have lied before
you’re incapable of effective lying
so being quiet is the better route
A word of advice:
Be idle and passive
Tell no stories, just listen
Use your house and dogs to trick them
so they’ll want to be around you
Use grades instead of a personality
to win people over
since that personality and face of yours
is something nobody wants.
Remember what I’ve said
anytime you begin to text someone
or if you decide
to open your mouth

Love,

Your insecurities and fears