STOP; Take your clothes off, it'll be okay, I swear, I'll climb on top
DROP; I don't want to get naked, I'm innocent! I refuse, please stop!
& ROLL; No one will believe you, you're too young;
And they will look at me and think "he's way too old"

STOP; Do as your told and none of this will hurt; I'll be gentle, now get on top
DROP; I don't want to be under you, I don't want to be above you, please, stop!
& ROLL; DO AS YOU'RE TOLD LITTLE GIRL, I'll treat your body like a piece of gold
None of it will hurt if you just obey! But I don't want to be on your pole!

STOP; STOP FUSSING, turn around and lay on your stomach;
Take your shorts and pull them down, if I do it, I won't stop
DROP; Why are you doing this to me?? What did I do to deserve this? PLEASE STOP!!
&ROll; I'm getting sick and tired of listening to you cry and whine,
So shut up and do as you're told!

Been through this with so many different men, I swear they're all the same
I told people, but no one listened because I was too scared to give up their names
So now, I suffer with complex ptsd, and undiagnosed adult ADHD
nightmares that wake me up and cause severe social anxiety,
Forever broken, forever wounded, never healing, forever ******* up mentally
I became an addict for the longest time because of this abuse, especially sexually
I was self harming, trying to overdose, trying to run away;
But with nowhere to run, and no one to tell,
because no one believed anything I had to say

I'm healing now but only as a recovering addict
I turned lesbian for a while and that only covered up the pain
With a woman I really didn't know who she was, pretending with a smile
Swore to myself that I was done and over anything or anyone with a ****!
But here I am, finding myself loving someone who took me away from all this
Someone who treats me like the person I deserve to be, the person I need to be
So how come I'm trapped in this mental spiral of all my wrong doings?
Of all my past relationships and all my past abusers?
They wreck havoc in my mind like the sinking titanic ship
Oh god, those nights where I just wanted to hang myself with my very own whip

STOP; Don't let anyone take control over you! SCREAM AND SHOUT STOP!!
DROP; Don't let someone tell you that it's okay, it's normal, it's fun,
KICK THEM SQUARE IN THEIR NUTS AND RUN WHILE YELLING HELP HELP HELP!!
GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE HIM STOP!!
& ROLL; NEVER ONCE AGAIN WILL I BE HUSHED, SHUSHED, OR THREATENED NOT TO TELL,
Because everything that's in the dark eventually comes to light,
and that will be the day that these stories come out and are told!!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

When we crossed paths again
The only intimacy that was shared
Were our shadows overlapping
And even then
Yours was the first to leave

Many have left
Without a whisper.
I started digging
And fishing
For any sign of a type of closure.

I wasted my dreams
On those who didn’t deem me
Worthy enough
Of goodbye.

I will give everything for you:
my life,
my mind,
my energy
as you consume what little is left of me.

But does the forest cry as it is torn apart,
bough by brittle bough?
Does the parent mourn the child
it never got,
even as their Ghost so stubbornly still haunts
their Home?

(Don't you hear your Child's steps?
The floorboards bring attention to each spectral step.
Does it bother you that the planks that cover my Corpse
weep louder than you ever did?

And does it bother you that it was the silence
that hurt worse than the splinters?)

Does the child have a right to weep
after selling their soul
to the god their parents worship
(to the very god that abandoned them)?

Does that
"I told you so"
sit nicely on your tongue now?

Like an old dog,
I've waited for your return, lingering by the door.
I've waited for the gentle hand of a childhood
that remains foggy and distant in my mind;
How long has it been again?

7 years is a long time in dog years.

Again, it comes, with stabs, and gaps, and drags, day, by day, you wait, with hope, that you, not broke, but a, phase of life, and not, condemned, or shunned, but truth, be told, if not, from fault, you're getting, old, and that, don't change, and soon, estranged, you'll roam, in search, of what, you lost. It is, with pain, I can inform, the human form, its not for life, least not our life, but each others, and that we must, be kind, lest we find, not helping, hands, but, roaming feet, and faces, that we'll never meet.

drive through me leave me bare, abandon me poor

thrive not, heart don't be full
more dis-ease please, get me more out of my essence, moo
me out of my God Given Throne fool,
i belong in the zoo.
show me how bad you can beat me past what I threw
five pieces of glass, my crew
i broke my own heart because i can't stand myself, whew!

i'm now reflecting how best i like my heart, i drool
five pieces of my heart needing some glue.

hive oozing honey stained with poo
i don't know how to nurture my worth so i demand that from you
an impossible feat, i like you prefer a toxic hue.

live deep down, i want more ease and juiciness... but ooh,
that's too much work, i want it on a silver platter, boo!
jive to my disdain you fool,
remind me of my inadequacies like it's in, new
tell me everything wrong with me like i always knew
may my most authentic self never see the view,
die, noone wants to know you, eew!

I sat before the screen, at the same time.
Your messages, I do not see.
I start to look for the old rhyme,
All this time, I was the blind.
Of July, when the country was a battlefield,
If I were dead, you wouldn't have cared.
Why? We were unaware of each other.
What has changed? Nothing, dear.

Do you recall when we were one?
Because it's the only thing what's been on my mind.
Texting till 4 am,you're laughing
Saying time flies when you're shining.

We even dreamt of ruling this town,
Generous king you were,handed me the crown
All of that,just for me to get left behind.
You have a new queen now,I must stay strong,
But tell me,was it fair to string me along?

I can’t take care of myself
Need you to be someone else
It would all be so much better
if I hadn’t learned from you

Take care of yourself
You don’t need anyone
like you used to
But now, you’re being used

I know you’re having fun
Always felt so much better
when I was drunk
If only one of us could ******* feel something

I didn’t turn out how you want
Could never be your little duck
Forced to role play as the adult for you
but could never grow up

I can’t take care of myself
Almost call you every day
I would be so much better off
if I hadn’t learned from you