oh, lovely –

another of my ugly insecurities has come undone –

unraveling from my heart, tumbling across the space between us,

ungainly in its amble towards your feet.

if i’m sorry, will that be too little? if i perform an even bigger act of affection

(not always only for compensation)

will that be too much?

was it too much the last time?

as you watch me scramble for words, for explanations,

for comprehension of my own actions,

are you sick of me?

does it make your stomach turn to see my flaws? it sure does make mine.

i can’t tell you 𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 without lying

that 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦, 𝘪 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥.

anyway, would you like some tea while we watch this show?

this tragedy of errors on an endless timeline?

anything else to make your experience better?

am i condescending when i ask for concern? is it fun to battle my quiet anger with your quiet neglect?

i’m sorry, maybe i assume too much. actually, i’m sure i do.

it’s so humiliating to find meaning in everything even when i know better.

oh, lovely –

yet another insecurity.

It’s been so many sweltering months.
I still choke at the smell of pine and cloves.
These scars are growing after I end all these hunts.
You can see the bruises on my neck and the carving on my bones.
Each individual finger and each single tooth.
They embed into my being as I try to mend what you broke.
My foundation rebuilt with my basement of truth.
It’s there that I have to wander through smoke.
It’s there that I crawled through the blood and despondency.
So desperately trying to maintain a hollow connection to someone so lecherous.
You stripped me of my color; of my effervescence.
What once were gilded rays turned to acid showers.
My skin began to boil and my heart began to spoil.
I ripped myself apart to keep you whole.
You threw my pieces aside like they never mattered.
You had no plan, no goal.
Instead of a future so lovely and lavish you abandoned me hopeless and tattered.
After swelling to the poison in your silence, I finally understand who you wouldn’t let me be.
Now I know them, and I hate what you did to me.

I thought of you today and felt resentment.
Rather than pretend like everything was okay,
I let myself feel pain for being abandoned.
Because I opened my mental cabinet and let you rummage around.
I left it open after you left, believing that you might want to come back to it later.

But you never came back.

And you left everything a mess.

The contents of the drawer started falling out, and I was left alone to pick it all up.
Items shattered on the floor and I cut my hands trying to pick them up.

I wish I didn't let you in

i can feel his words
like water
on my skin
dripping between my fingers

i feel them sway
and ripple when i touch
yet pouring into my bloodstream
my soul

he's thunderous
electrifying
zapping me with emotions
i never knew the names of

his movements are a breath of fresh air
carrying whispers in the breeze

and yet he packs his things
and leaves with the seasons.

I hate seeing your face, I really do
You painted me like a landscape, green and blue
Green with envy, Blue and subdued
I still question, what I mean to you
I try not to let the abandonment issues win
I try to reimagine myself partying in Berlin
I miss the blaze of the blunt, the bass in the club
I miss the days when I felt enough
without anyone other than myself

you think you understand me
because of the size of my home
that comes from my fathers money
you think i grew up privileged
harbouring a “normal” childhood
without any shortcomings.

what you don’t understand is the
abuse, emotional neglect and fear
experienced
at the hands of my angry father
that caused me to become this way.

you think i’m happy, normal even,
because i don’t talk about what goes on in my brain
the racing thoughts that consume me,
the trauma memory that replays in my head,
the suicidal thoughts, voices that repeat just do it over and over
and how i cry every time im alone in the bathroom.

i'm afraid to open up like i had in the past
because every single time ended in abandonment,
followed by slit wrists and regret.

but,
maybe one day i'll tell you all about it
and hope you stay.

I know,
my love,
my muse,
I have always known

I knew that this would
be our last conversation,
but this is not my last poem

It pained me deeply,
but I knew that one day
I will slowly start to forget
your loving face,
bewitching scent,
and soothing voice

Oh, how I loved you
I knew I will still love you
even after you desert me

I knew it,
but I still held your small hand
I still worshiped you in secret
I still adored you blindly

And I still do

typ
typ
typical
to leave at the critical
moment

frozen in absolute
hate
a fate you can only create
from abandonment
now it is too late

typ
typ
typical
to leave at the critical
moment