It’s been so many sweltering months. I still choke at the smell of pine and cloves. These scars are growing after I end all these hunts. You can see the bruises on my neck and the carving on my bones. Each individual finger and each single tooth. They embed into my being as I try to mend what you broke. My foundation rebuilt with my basement of truth. It’s there that I have to wander through smoke. It’s there that I crawled through the blood and despondency. So desperately trying to maintain a hollow connection to someone so lecherous. You stripped me of my color; of my effervescence. What once were gilded rays turned to acid showers. My skin began to boil and my heart began to spoil. I ripped myself apart to keep you whole. You threw my pieces aside like they never mattered. You had no plan, no goal. Instead of a future so lovely and lavish you abandoned me hopeless and tattered. After swelling to the poison in your silence, I finally understand who you wouldn’t let me be. Now I know them, and I hate what you did to me.
It’s that time of year where I remember why I left that place
I’m just a hotel with a revolving door For people passing through the town of me Some stay for only a night Others live here for years Most are somewhere in between But it’s the lovers who are always the quickest to leave Often without saying a word They take all the freebies, empty the fridge and call up room service in the early hours of the morning I give them everything and only then do they pack their bags and slip out the door without looking back I’m left all alone again in an empty room Sheets lingering with the smell of yet another lost lover.
I thought of you today and felt resentment. Rather than pretend like everything was okay, I let myself feel pain for being abandoned. Because I opened my mental cabinet and let you rummage around. I left it open after you left, believing that you might want to come back to it later.
But you never came back.
And you left everything a mess.
The contents of the drawer started falling out, and I was left alone to pick it all up. Items shattered on the floor and I cut my hands trying to pick them up.
I hate seeing your face, I really do You painted me like a landscape, green and blue Green with envy, Blue and subdued I still question, what I mean to you I try not to let the abandonment issues win I try to reimagine myself partying in Berlin I miss the blaze of the blunt, the bass in the club I miss the days when I felt enough without anyone other than myself
you think you understand me because of the size of my home that comes from my fathers money you think i grew up privileged harbouring a “normal” childhood without any shortcomings.
what you don’t understand is the abuse, emotional neglect and fear experienced at the hands of my angry father that caused me to become this way.
you think i’m happy, normal even, because i don’t talk about what goes on in my brain the racing thoughts that consume me, the trauma memory that replays in my head, the suicidal thoughts, voices that repeat just do it over and over and how i cry every time im alone in the bathroom.
i'm afraid to open up like i had in the past because every single time ended in abandonment, followed by slit wrists and regret.
but, maybe one day i'll tell you all about it and hope you stay.