This could be the night I overdose
In my mind, I've never been this close
Setting fire to everything I own
Tearing up the clothes
I've never felt so much desire
To drown in the flames of the fire
angels can't take me higher
There are no heroes left for hire
Don't tell me you love me your a liar
Here the battles of the choir
As I lay down my rights
Take these wings
Because I fear the fall
In the middle of flight
I'd rather stay planted on the ground
Blend into the blackness of the night
I'd rather fade into the midst of time
Return to dust beneath the raging sun
Cuz I know I can never be someone
©2017 Written By Benji James
I wanna drink myself to sleep
Prescribe me the pills to help me, please
It makes me sick to even think
You could even be like this
Leave me hanging on something
That'll never ever be
How could you fucking leave me lonely
You knew I still thought of you
You knew there was nobody else but you
And you might have thought
I had worked this out
But I'm so totally over it
I just keep on losing it every time
You talk about him
I don't wanna hear that shit
I'd much rather listen to god damn people preach
I couldn't care less what you think of me
Give me the pills to release my mind
Give me drink until I drown myself in it
Baby give me the nightlife
One night stand to take you out of my head
Get so drunk that I can't get back up again
Stomach pumped just to bring me back
Reenergize, try to make me smile
But I just go back and do it all again
I fucked you and I fucked your friend
Oh dear lord his lost it
Oh dear lord what's next
I think I just had like three girls in my bed
Prescribe me something to stop
The madness that runs through my head
Before I go fuck my life up again.
©2017 Written By Benji James
The guilt kicks in
Tears run down these cheeks
thoughts become bleak
Haven't eaten for a week
All these feelings consuming me
Torture my heart, ripping it apart
All these drugs just aren't enough
To cleanse me of all my mistakes
Tried locking all the memories away
And nothing seems to be working for me
I'm pushing through each day
Looking for a reason to live
And everything I've tried to give
Hope has been stolen out of my pocket
I've been left an empty shell of nothing
Thought I was something
When I was with you
Truth is I'm nothing
unless I have you
To keep me grounded
You were the one
that reinvigorated my soul
You were the one that brought me up
When I was low
When you were around
I never felt alone
You were my safety, my home
©2017 Written By Benji James
If I can be honest,
How come I always break my promises to you?
If I'm not afraid,
Why am I so scared to move?
I'm barely breathing.
And if I can be honest,
How come I always end up so far away from you?
You made me a promise,
And I'll always hold it true.
Its that type of night
thoughts of you appear stronger than usual
making me numb and my heartache unbearably
crying while I curse your name to the wind
repeating "I hate you" to the darkness of my room
hating the fact that I could never have what we had again
I miss you so much
I have never missed anyone as much as you
Sometimes still and at times turbulent.
In ruins, is this cosmic connection,
All this drama- a mere fiction.
All that is, is and is my making,
A higher truth , I thought I was seeking.
An epiphany, and I transcended,
Into a realization, that it ended.
Long-long ago, its time eclipsed,
Dreaming away, real time, I’d missed.
Like the highs and lows of an ocean,
You’ve always been, an unrest emotion.
Determined, is the way to be,
This Drama - no-more, can I see.
Through the tyranny of my mind,
I have been trying to escape,blind.
I see you now, for what you’ve been,
An absent figure - washed clean .
So fade away, my love,
Fade away, into an abyss.
Fragments that are left of you,
Take them all , old and new.
I’m sorry I forgot to write you letters, to call out your name,
I’m sorry I forgot to whisper my worries to you and remind you that you’re still here,
I’m sorry I forgot what you sound like,
I’m sorry I forgot.
There’s this gaping hole in my chest and I’m still trying to figure out how to fill it with something other than the I hate I have for the world.
I realize that nothing I say can fix the brokenness, but I’m glad you’re up high.
You’re soaring through the sky, currently watching me cry,
And I wonder what it feels like to not have a care in the world.
I bet it’s relaxing.
You always had such anger burning through you and I’m sorry that I couldn’t understand it better but I’m trying to,
I swear I am.
The other day, I saw Osama in your eyes and I swear I nearly called out your name thinking you hid inside his mind.
I think the world is punishing me for trying to avoid thinking about your death.
It all hurts so much.
The tears and heartbreak of,
Not being able to hear your voice or go up to you and ask you to fix my mistakes or guide me, at least.
It hurts not seeing you often or seeing you at all,
It hurts seeing everyone ache silently over you.
I wanted to save you but I could barely save myself and I lost you.
The accident caused a riptide within me and now everything has shifted so drastically that non of my pieces fit back together again.
I’m sorry, Brother,
For being the way I am...
All I ever wanted was to make you proud,
All I ever wanted was for death to exchange you with me;
To grant you one more chance at life, while taking mine away.
I’m sorry it didn’t work
Such a tender beautiful thing until
It all falls apart,
Such an all encompassing love until you’re left with nothing but a broken heart,
And you think you know devastation when your one true love leaves,
But it’s not the same as the pain of one whose love grieves,
Try telling them why you sit by their bedside and cry,
Or what you mean by “I’m not ready to say goodbye”,
Then it’s you asking why, as a downpour of tears fall like raindrops,
There, right there. That’s the feeling. That’s when the pain drops,
A disgruntled heart beats a lonely tune
And hums the words that float their way towards
stars that weep near a melancholy moon
That shines light on lovers moving backwards
And slowly I waste away this and all
Quiet nights spent dreaming of all our dreams
That gracefully walk their way through the halls
Ripping false reality at the seams
And the love that I lived to give you
Falls short to all the lives you leave
When the regret I feel is meant for two
Longing for a love I'll never receive
Maybe this is the last echoing cry
Shed for the idea of you and I