.
told frigid outside                                                          ­                    
within   love is stretched thin         this home   puckled tight
sealed  and buckled in      from all the social weathering
from the gatherings    in heated public yurts and gymnasiums
that fail short of ***** ****
from the bothersome geographic features out there          
       demanding expeditions, exploration and organization

within   we can see the fridge light                                      
                     ­                                in the middle of the night
we can receive signals and visions                      
                        but are pressed ******* our hearts
waiting out the winter wound

They say if you really love them,
You have to let them go.
Nothing of the past to condemn,
Done here never to know.
No questions to be asked where to,
True love a sacrifice.
To always regret what we know,
I, ****** tasted from spice.
Yes, the high never worth the fall,
I know risk all too well.
Let my soul weaken not to brawl,
Shamed secret not to tell.
Say not my love to falter, won,
I dare not go back my tomb done…

When I’m in my solitude
Like when I’m in my room
And that’s why I choose
I love to enter my mind like it’s a separate room
Now when I’m forced to enter my brain
Cause what’s on the outside causes me pain
like when your friends do include you with their other friends
and it feels like i’m circling the drain
like when your high school and you the one that’s lame
and you don’t fit cause you dye your hair every color of the rainbow
and each month it’s never the same
or when your boyfriend breaks up with you
so you have to take a break from interacting with the world and every dude
I don’t have to imagine how it feels when shawty did the exact thing she said she wouldn’t do
and you say **** school
so you tell your mom and your mom tells your school counselor she pages you in her office so you can have someone to talk to
but when I choose to be alone
that’s something I own
that’s something that founded
now when you go to a predominantly white institution and get called ****** on the way to dorm on a college game day
you cant help but to feel other
to acknowledge your color
and feel like you cant relate to another who hasn’t had that experience
you just go to your room but not cause you choose

It'd be easier to go dumb
Braindead for fun
Explore comfortably numb
In a rarely clear cranium
Wide open space for wild thoughts to run
But now for the unforseen repercussion
Situation recognition
I can ONLY run
No place to hide, not a single one
Wrestlin' fear and confusion
With an empty win column
Lost it all, never won
Disproportionate portion
What's been done,
Can not be undone
Sit with the problem
In complete isolation
The expectation?
Come to some useful revelation
The pressure feeds off the anticipation
The anticipation breeds a host and parasite type immersion
But reality rushes in with it's own complication
Breaking then adding it's own tension
Followed by a surge of logic and reason
As I,
Yet again,
Come to the same conclusion
The sum of all my fears run the asylum
And I've been locked in here with 'em
A casualty of my reality inside a broken system

©2024

Force feeding on two doses of clozapine.
Doc reclines in his chair;
I am restrained in mine.

"I am feeling fine, now,
feeling fine."

"It is time."
Doc persists," admit it for them...
you know what you did;
you know it was all real."

A film reel rewinds inside somewhere
adjacent to my cerebellum;
Front row seats to my favorite show-
I know not what to tell him?

It was all what I dreamt up on one of my.
Usual Sundays.
Savoring what lovely sensations-
'some' would insinuate are a sin.
It was me this time playing doctor,
operating on my imaginary friend.

This one pretends she does not like the licking
of a blade against her skin.
And when I decide to cut too deep
her safe word is always 'grin.'  

But Doc: that was just how we liked to play?
She had been longing for a violent death:
            I dreamt her up that way.

...

Before I could say what fun I had with the others.., teary-eyed on the other side of reinforced glass, resides my many made-up friend's mothers...

(Was it those two pills from before?)
In my final minutes ..
I have regained lucidity.
On death row for defiling those things
I thought only I could see.
A needle in my arm:
my death will serve as an apology.

...

I writhe, and before I black out, the lithe figure
of an old imaginary friend.. but if you WERE actually real..

A decade ago- I remember a incorporeal, corrupted, entity I allowed to fill my soul.

In place of the hole where apathy used to be.
The yearning for suicide was all mine;
Homicide was your wish-you resided within.
Broke my will and reality down day by day
by simply posing as my only friend.
Control/Desire imprisoned me.

Rewired my mind.
breaking me down into insanity.
but I am fighting now:
Thrashing with all the life left still inside of me.

She grins as I go.

musing to herself.
         She takes me below.

" I had high hopes for this plaything...
  my next toy is actually EAGER to ****. "


...For someone who wanted to be dead,
you had such a hard time keeping still.

-