"I know everything that's going on inside your head."
But do you,really?
Because if you really did, you wouldn't even say that out loud.
Because if you really did, you would welcome me with your arms wide open instead.
Because what's going on inside my head is a big mass of double-edged daggers flying around in a whirlpool of acid,cutting through every part of my body around it.
How could you understand what's in my mind when the problem is that my own mind is against my body?
When my spirit is burnt down to ashes by infernal flames?
Did you know how painful it is when your words cut through my eyes like razors?
It hurts so much that I cannot see anything clearly anymore.
I'm not blind yet I cant see any light in this world anymore.
My world right now is a dark abyss and the floor is lava and im walking blind on it.
Love and hate is only a step away and you're pushing me across the border.
I love you so damn much that I want to kill myself.
You love me, I know.
But it's not this imperfect creature that you truly love.
It was the program you coded in it.
In a way, you love the machine inside me and not me.
You said im isolating myself from everyone including you.
But how could I not isolate myself from you when all you do is push me away whenever I try?
But know that I will love you until the very last breath I take.
Even if it's the one I'm taking right now.

ambient 3d

it's the same old nothing
now at 10:08 p.m.;
flopped flat on the bed
with my shrunken white belly,
the radio lulls me
with some Bach.
the doctor once recommended
that I go out more
get some rays about me,
but being behind these walls
with a cacophony of silence
hasn't yet done me harm.
it is bad enough,
anyway, to be out there
for 8 hours
among 10,000 faces of the mob.
it's not a matter of
being caught up with by death;
it is something that works,
will work and forever work.

12-14-17, 22:08

don't know what to
don't know what to
whispered words slowly
spirited away
weapons between teeth
saliva soaked blade
slicing tomorrow, tonight and today
wish me luck
the climb may take a while
the mountain you know
you've been there, child
come when there's snow
i'll offer you a cup
wander through the
my mind turned to dust
mourning sets in
down the mountain you'll go
a jar i'll hand you
fill it with what you need to sow

Inanna 6d

Addicted to solitude, euphoric isolation,
Some call it loneliness, others damnation,
Bask in depression, immerse in elation,
Hooked in ecstasy, on pure desolation.

Doctor the signal, fine-tune the station,
Selected to grieve, emptiness, education,
This is your time, your inner cremation,
The coldness inside, it's lucid, liberation.

Blessed with detachment, and inner admiration,
This joy inside, it's a utopian vacation,
I'm bleeding love, it's a fucking fixation,
I'm bleeding love, for all of creation.

Isolation explored and typified
but the corona of the sun,
forever within touching distance,
but never to be as one.

An absence of a true connection
exists between the pattern,
loneliness drifting in deepest space,
distant like the rings of Saturn.

© Pagan Paul (08/10/17)

Today, Oct 10th, is World Metal Health Day.

When your ex tells you that she's your "friend",
She just says that to be diplomatic
As you give her enough cash
To make her leave.
In reality,
She contributed to your social isolation
While you were married,
And she will never include you
In her clique.

Dovey Sep 18

I want to know I want to know
What is so beautiful about stars? They’re so cold and distant and far away
I want to know I want to know
What’s so beautiful about stars? They have nothing to say

I’m tired of wandering in the sky. I’m tired of walking by myself
The Earth is so far away from the heavens.
I’m tired of watching them from the sidelines of this barren hell

I’ve been playing in the stars on my own and I think they’ve made me cold
I think they’ve made me numb because I’m feeling so done
I’ve become so alien from the others and I’ve discovered
These heavens lack beauty!

The stars utterly lack mercy.

Maybe if I’d been better, maybe if I’d been good
Perhaps then they’d have loved me and I’d have understood
How to talk to them
How to be with them

I am confined to myself away from that planet
I know it’s all my own fault that I’ve been banished
Maybe it’d be better if I just vanished!

I'm as ugly as the stars.
moonstruck Sep 17

“scer- what now?” says another curious passerby yet again.
       deep down inside, i resent the attention i gain.
             for most peers of mine don't often know the pain.

   “it’s scoliosis.” i retorted,
       but in reply, they only snorted.
                i cant believe they had the nerve,
                   to jeer at someone because of a mere curve.

             it all happened that one faithful day,
          after a p.e. lesson when we went into the water to play.
            as everyone returned to change, i was left behind to stray.
         “i hope nobody notices me”, i thought as i would pray.

     to put it simply; it hadn't gone unnoticed,
i had begged for them to to tell, but that had not sufficed.
        the cat was let out, it all felt like a heist.
             my secret was robbed, when it supposedly ceased to exist.

                 i was ten back then, had no clue how to handle it.
   life was tough, but i’m glad i never quit.
          though my torso now has a slit,
             i’m safe to say that i'm over with their bullshit.

hello there, this is my first poem on here! thank you so much for welcoming me into this amazing community!
Rebel Heart Sep 18

I guess
That after you,
I'm just
To forever fear
Opening up
To anyone
Ever again

I've hidden
The pieces
Left of me
Deep inside
My steel heart

I'm just cursed
To forever push
Everyone away

Everywhere I look
I see these
Iron walls
And yet...

I'm just cursed
To forever live
Behind these walls
I keep putting up

It's Dark
And Abandoned
But it's
The only place

I'm just
Cursed Lonely
For forever and over again

It was hard enough knocking down my walls the first time around... thanks to you I'm almost unreachable now (excerpts from a journal a couple years ago so it has a bit of an immature vibe to it but I don't like editing my past works so here it is)
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