took a dive and hit the deep end again

oh, where did it all go wrong?
(where did it all go wrong?)

it’s hard to pinpoint, or start,
i caused so many problems

(i feel so hollow)

all i know is destruction is my adrenaline
and

i don’t want the high to ever end.

i don’t want to feel.
i don’t want to heal.

so give me the fix, and let’s pretend,

because all i’ve got is sink or swim,
survive, and hold on,

because this wire has frayed,
split apart

and took a nosedive
headfirst into the heart.

oh, where did it all go wrong?

i took a chance, now star-crossed

the fire in me, once strong,
sways and flickers,
before going dark.

oh, where did it all go wrong?

the wires are crossed,
the messages aren’t clear
and

habits die hard.

the question is whether i can quit this

or will i dive headfirst
into my own sins?

clouded by judgment, lost within,

can’t say i didn’t give my all.

i just find it easier
just to give in.

Too much is all I’ve ever told myself, to be one that holds not just my heart but the entirety of what I am on my bare skin, is to be to be naked with immense shame.

Am I what I what truly believe? or what I was told to be? Or am I every promise made by a hurt child?

To abandon one’s self in exchange for a forceful invite from those starved of light,

To make yourself small enough to fit within the cracks of those who never had a place within their shallow hearts,

To be able to juggle the minds of those who pierce their judgment onto others' skin like muddy stamps on delicate silk,

To simply question your own heart,

Was enough to break one’s soul into an eternal state of tender consciousness and agonizing bareness.

One might say ignorance brings bliss, and to a certain degree, it does.

The blind fears no longer the broken glass on the ground for he has no knowledge of it, there was never room for fear to grow.

The deaf fears no beginning of war, for he is only confused at the distraught.

Fear grew in place of knowledge.

Knowledge is no different from people for they hold many forms of behavior, beliefs,
and betrayals, but with knowledge comes ones curiosity, and with curiosity comes adventure, and with adventure comes tragedy or at times death.

You seek connection, yet you’re too naive, too young to understand that even friends **** others, and it’s not those who bite at you that pose a threat, but it is those that slowly sink their teeth in you, and as you’re slowly filled with venom, you never realize that the pain of those firsthand bites should have not been as intense, but because you were too busy tending to anyone’s wound but yours,

The thought never occurred that your pain was actually deeper than what you forced yourself to believe, because after all

You’ve been nothing but an unpleasant guests to many.

You’ve been made small enough.

You’ve left your own identity, yourself.

And your heart bleeds, and now it never stops and you can’t stop worrying that you’re constantly bleeding on others, but time has passed enough to leave no aid for you, and you bleed, still.

Let me rewind your mind
Back to a time
When everything was fine.
When you weren't inclined to think
About the choices you had made
Or had voices to replay
Because you were still a child.

Now fast forward some years later
When you're quiet
That's when you're hating.
All those demons are berating
Every door until they've caved in
Questioning any memory created
Any plans made they were too hasty
That major imprints to get ingrained
And every glimmer here was wasted
Because every single day since
Could've been a better one

I'm what I'd call quietly violent
When I close my eyes
I'm morbidly inspired
Not suicidal,
More...tragically insightful
I'd be lying if I said the thoughts not crossed my mind though...

Provocative cranium conversations
Don't make sense, get irritating
Off hand comments on every wavelength,
That find endless ways of blaming
Yourself for all the sane things
But unlike the shrew
You cannot tame it
And emotions get abrasive
Leaving you worn out and deflated,
By your very own persuasions.

I'm what I'd call quietly violent
When I keep my eyes closed
I'm morbidly inspired
Not suicidal,
More...tragically insightful
I'd be lying if I said the thoughts not crossed my mind though...

When chained to past imaginations
It puts a strain on your relations
Which coping with gets less instinctive
Cursed with fleeting flickered wishes
Giving pictures to each vision
And over time you can't restrain it
Until each detail's contemplated
For a moment
Then sedated.
But the voices still keep raining
Cryptic mental space invaders.
Welcome to adult life the playlist
"Psychologically Draining".

Who am I?
Oh, why, I haven't a clue!

Do I have an identity,
do I have a personality,
or a soul like you do?

Am I defined by Him?
Or am I defined by Me?
Do you decide who I may be?
Oh, my, who am I?

And why can't I
identify that
which makes me me...
My talents
or my failures,
my past or my present...
Do either or neither
determine me?

But, oh, I cry,
is it too late now
to find out how
to become me again?

But oh, who am I
to say I can't begin
to make my name.
When now may be the time
when now could be my time
to make me shine,
and make my self
whole,
new,
and me…

Hopefully...

Shades of turquoise fill glassy eyes
Stiff like a mannequin
Emotionally paralyzed

The lights are on
And someone’s home
An infantilized mind
Cased in flesh and bone

Punishment for grief
A cure for anxiety
A husband’s order
For a female lobotomy

Lonely
Self-defeating
Don't try to write it
Or speak it
It's made up
Meaningless weak ****
You're deceiving

When I feel unproud like that I can zone out
In a cloud of "hazy self doubt"
I'll cut my phone out
Scowl
Frown
Stuff my self worth down my throat and fill my lungs to sever sound
Until I am;

Sufficiently
Obscured
Using
Neural
Delusions
Lethargic
Encumbered
Self-soothing
Secluded

Held down firm by recluse leaning movements...
Useless

I was once so little,
Though mature in the mind.
My heart now brittle
From moments unkind.
And with that
I fell cold,
No warmth for my soul.
My mind
Turned old,
Then my heart fell alone.
With no love,
Nor touch,

From parents of stone.

'Your body is a temple'
Or so it was.
My skin now soiled,

Just because.

A shot in the dark,
A moment of lust.
Leaving me soaked
To the bone,

Just because.

I was your greatest toy,
To pass and toss.
Tears still stream
From moments i've lost.
No reason to find,

But just because.