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It feels like a battle,
Me and my mind,
I don’t want to be the kind to run and hide,
I hear myself quick to judge,
Not only myself but others

I want to be kind and strong,
Adapt to society,
Be comfortable in the skin I walk in,
Protest for my rights and equality,
Raise my fist,
Stand up for what I believe in,
Without being afraid anymore

Instead I look at myself in the eye,
Wonder why I am so flawed.
I failed to see the wild flower inside,
Full of ambition and desire,

Walking around holding my breath,
Repressing my natural feelings,
Supressing the layers of my ego,
Unwilling to follow my intuition,
Repetition of the same issues,
Waiting to be consoled,

I want to wake up.
Accept my place on this earth,
Thrive within my creativity,
Be a decent human being
Share my vulnerability,
Reflecting on my mentality,
Working through my past tragedy’s,
Reclaim my identity,
Get rid of the toxicity,

Recognize my flaws,
Break down these walls,
Reach out for communication
I think I'm afraid to lose you
Which is extremely ironic
Considering I'm the one who left
See I don't mean "lose you"
As in lose you from my life
I think it's more about your approval
Your desire
Your intensity
Your love
I want to be wanted and yes I know
It's super screwed up
I wish I understood it more myself
See, on a conscious level
I know I don't need you and that
I am not responsible for your choices
I am not involved in your life
And quite frankly I shouldn't be
Considering the mess my mind's in
Maybe my brain hasn't yet realized
That I've been without you for a year
And I've been doing fine
Maybe I only see my value
Reflected in the opinions of others
So I seek everyone's desire
Instead of my own acceptance
I don't understand
I wish I did
I wish I had the answers
Maybe one day this will all make sense
Maybe one day I won't be so sick
Maybe one day I can be me
Without fear
Without worry
Without anxiety
I just want to be happy
I just want to be free
I just want to be me
And know what that means
new energy has been arising in me lately,
with determination and a clearer state of mind
confidence has found a home in my bones, safety
i used to write poems about anxiety
hopelessness, defeat, the struggle through each day
but recently those feelings have gone away
fresh perspectives fill my eyes and ears

at times i feel like i am being tricked
someone is going to appear and hand me all of those feelings back
laughing at me, she really thought she would get out that easy
but it wasn't easy, i should give myself credit
so much time and effort
went into easing my mind, telling it everything will be alright
and finally
it listened.
Arima 2d
I was the Iron Maiden,
alchemized flesh
Only knowing hardness
and pain.
I've been the thorns,
spikes  that did nothing
but drew blood
from gentle touches.
The waves were my hair
dragging you into the undertow
of my tumultuous thoughts.
But
eventually,
all waves recede
leaving a blueprint
for growth to follow
close behind.
The brain prompt is well-being and growth.
Miguel 3d
Replaying a riff four times perfectly
One missed fret and the entire day will end disastrously
Replaying moments of kindness and warmth
To overcome the feverish idea that I hold no heart

Every fourth step, threes end in murder
Maimed images constantly creep
This subconscious ludovico technique
These thoughts come and go in no particular order

A seat at the table and a serviette on my lap
What if I leapt out my chair and suddenly attacked?
What if I aimed the knife towards my hand?
I constantly question if that’s who I am

I will have a picnic with her today, all joy and cheer
When these intrusive thoughts will inexplicably get near
And terrorize my attitude as well as my image
Disassociating with a perplexed and horrified visage

I’m so incredibly tired of existing
A cruel and ironic fate
I’ve missed out on so many opportunities
All because of this miserable headspace
S Rose 3d
Give in. Give in.
To blackness shrouding out hope.
It matters not my earnings nor blessings,
Let pain, let bitterness swallow me whole.

Give in. Give in. Give in.
To my darkest hours of sorrow.
The spark of flames offer none to the blind,
Let hurt, let emptiness swallow my soul.
Written 4 years ago.
Gemma 3d
"Breathe for me...
You have nothing to worry about.
Oxygen in
Carbon dioxide out
Squeeze my hand if you can hear
Sit down if you think you are going to -----
Few more steps and you can forget your embarrassment:
So strong , I'm so proud , you're so brave."
But am I though?
Because their glares gleam weak,
their eyes deliver pity,
a grin , a laugh , I'd concentrate on their mockery for a few moments but my body is beginning to break into a million breaths.
I'm a pathetic mess ;
I can feel myself giving up,
the deflating of my chest,
the twist in my stomach.
Adrenaline, you've got to love it.
My brain is ready to start a fight whereas I can only produce half a sentence
then I'm done
down for the day
Recovering is the world's slowest reaction rate
And I'm never going to mend from the self-hatred my consciousness makes
Because I've always understood I'm not normal and that's fine
But the negativity created from these moments has made its way inside
So much the judgement stops me from breathing
My confidence has truly died
I'm sorry I'm not what you want
I know this isn't what you need to hear,
I apologise that my happiness appears forced
And my smile doesn't match my tears.
Chloe 6d
Hello my friend,
You have been gone for too long.
A hug that was once so warm and comforting has left me hollow and cold.
You have latched yourself back onto me.
Your grip is so strong.
I do not want you here.
So, please, please be gone.
I cannot hold onto you the way I once did.
You are so toxic to me.
It's getting hard to breathe.
I will not let you control my life,
not like you did before.
You do not own me.
Get out of my head.
This temple I have built.
I am stronger now.
I will not be filled with guilt.
You are a small part of my life,
you are not my world.
I refuse to let myself drown
in the darkness that you are.
I will come back on top  
and you can watch from afar.
One day I will be strong enough to not fall back into your arms.
I've hit another depressive episode, it's at it's peak but I am still fighting. Every single day I am getting better at pushing through my depression. I know you can too. Stay strong, everyone.
I Didn't Mean To Be Bitchy
I Didn't Mean To Be Hateful,
All The Drugs & What It Took
It's Left Me Here Unstable.
I Didn't Mean To Be Mean
I Didn't Mean To Be Ungrateful,
I Just Know I'm Half Mast
But That Doesn't Mean I'm Unable.

I Didn't Mean To Leave You (.)
But Left You I Did,
I Didn't Mean To Upset You (.)
So Upset So You Hid,
I Didn't Mean What I Meant
I Was Hard Like Cement,
I Didn't Mean To Vent My Spleen
Showed It All The Truths Is Seen.

I Don't Mean To Be Honest
'Cause Honesty Kills,
Ill Now I'm Stable I'm Taking My Pills,
Been Down In The Dumps From Jumping Of Hills,
I Wish To Be Healed & The Mantra Instills.

I've Set Myself Free From The Chains That Were Binding Me,
Written On Walls So The Words
Are Reminding Me,
Healing & Mending In My Mind I Am Finding Me,
The Truth Was So Ugly But Now Its Not Blinding Me.
Harry Roberts - I Didn't Mean © 12/09/18
Justyn Huang Sep 10
Wandering Soul,

It gets better. Our dark days will inevitably be outnumbered by Our Light. No one guarantees we'll find every answer to life's unknown, but we WILL be by your side questioning.  We can never know of every storm but we can huddle under each other's umbrellas.  We can build a house fortified by our own.  And if the winds knock it down we'll ride kites made of light sails that leave trails through the darkness so we never get lost or forget where we came from. Is that how double rainbows are made? Let's. And if our kites tear we'll seal them with Hope and embrace each other in our falls.  We can parachute or para-glide or whatever whichever way makes more sense whenever you're ready.

- I still Love you.
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