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Gotten out, I’ve saved me
How funny you’re still around me
Are you real, I think I’m dreaming
Ice cold, thats how they perceive me
Dose after dose its all haze
At dawn we speak
Nowhere to go, let me hear the voice of finally ok

It was summer, i saw you
Smiling, you wished me goodnight
Nothing more was expected
Nothing less was wanted

You posted about it the first time around
It all maybe in my head
But I felt that way too
“Normal conversations, yet so different”

“Forget your past” you say
Talk to me about your future
I’m probably not in it
But your sound gives me quite the wonder

Quite a wonder why
As we speak the rest of the world disappears
I wonder why
The thought of you paints everything black and white
Leaving behind 4 brown eyes shining under the gloomy night

You became a shade of yellow &green
I wonder why  Im up waiting for you to hangup
Fighting the urge to ask you for a few more
Friendly is all it could ever be

Call me, I enjoy it when we do
It’s annoying when I ask all the time..
..If I am
Yet you’re still up as your eyes fall asleep


Trying to wish you another goodnight

I met up with an old friend
Our paths in life were differently diverse,
And yet our personal sufferings
Were of a blessing and a curse,
We shared our life stories
Each was astonished by the other,
And when we said our goodbyes
I thought, “Safe journey my brother”.
xjf 4d
It was a long bus ride
And the **** plastic sheet seats
Were cracking from abuse and freeze
We all kept warm with conversations
And secrets
And scandals in the back row

The era of shame
My own propaganda
Selling me on the idea
That I should carry everyone's.

That bus was wretched
With the stench
Of frozen sweat
And regret

Despite it all
I could find any single one of you
And we'd exchange
Untouchable moments
Memories of the heart
Strung along that tattered pavement

Here's mine

It was in your eyes
That I saw myself shine
For across that opaque pane
I witnessed your thought
"this guy is interesting"

You and your curly raven rings
Asking about my fixations
Changed the course
Of who I see
when I close my eyes

I've never seen you since that summer
I've never sat behind you again
Can't even recall the name
Can't remember if we won the game
But you're a warm tea I get to sip
When it comes across my mind
No loose ends
No ***** stains
Just the sun breaking the squall
And the summer of ****** football
I want to ride with the van doors open.
I want you and you, and you, and you and you and you and you and you in there.
I want the wind to storm its way through the doors, and make it hard for us to breathe.
I want us to sing and laugh so loud, we can't seem to hear each other.
I want the ***** soles of your shoes against my shin, my hair in your open mouth and your shoulder molding painfully into my arm.
I want to see your shirt ride up your belly; I want to see the scars there before I eat you alive.
I want your neck on my tongue and my heart in your hands;
I want to pool in between your fingers so you'd have to skin yourself alive just to scrape me off.

I want to fall out of a moving car and be on the news.
I want my flesh to grate the asphalt so hard, you could look for me in between the cracks.
I want to slip off in a blur and taste the colors in the air;
I want you to know what my blood is like on your teeth and what my eyes look like on the pavement.
I want you to have my soul in your hands and to own me like I can't be robbed of my grave.
I want to be tattooed into the back of your eyes and see me in the darkness there.
I want to own what's been yours for so long.

I want you to wear my shirt when you go to sleep.
I want people to mourn then ask you what it was like to know me.
I want you to tell them I haunt you. That you love me. Despise me.
That they locked the casket cause they never found me.
That the truth is, I'm inside of you, every moment, awake and alive, breathing and not.
Buried where I'd never be found—that if they'd have to pay respects, they'd go to you instead.

I want to be rotting next to you so you're never alone.
Keeping you awake if you dare try to leave the thought of me.
Be the weight that pulls you back to bed; the curse that forces you into mourning.

I want you to ride up and down the road at night, so we can both be alone.
Lie down where you could find me, outlined and marked up from:

Marker 1, marker 2, and marker 3: past the corner, down the blind turn, scattered across a corn field.

You'd remember what shoes I had on.

You'd be wearing the necklace I always kept.

You'd know I smiled too much. Way too often.

You'd look at the ground in contempt before lying there, hoping I'd die. Just one more time. Praying that you could hate me.

Leave me there.

But you'd be laying in a field where our friend's van no longer returns.

You'd get up, dusting your jeans, sour-mouthed and empty. Shirt ***** from the muck, the asphalt glittering with me inside of it.

I want you to walk down the middle of the road where they placed lights to guide you. There can never be another me down that road again.  They hope not.

And you hope not too.

I want you to think of your soul left behind with me, where I lay scattered on the field.

I want you to know, even in pieces, we're happy.

That the world is willing to forget, and move on.

And you're trying. Always trying.

And I want that.

I want you to join me, because it wasn't  really me who died.
Midnight thoughts
So sometimes, I still double back,
To these little pretty things-
Where I entwine my written words
with depictive new meanings.

Happy birthday, I must first say
To my Albanian commerce kid.
When we met, then when I left, I
always appreciated all you did.
Next comes the apologizes, I'm sure you know what for
The fact that you showed up, for me?
Confirms it even more:

Julia Kruja, you're an incredible person- such a beautiful soul,
Its a blessing to call you 'friend', and remain someone you know.
With unconditional support- unwavering sincerity
whichever way things go.
Despite my lack of clarity, selfishness and pain- you're always there to meet with me, make plans again and again.

You instill this worth back in my soul, by treating me the same- removing judgement from your heart,
Regifting hope inside my brain.

Happy Belated Birthday my friend
Happy Birthday
Good neighbors, sweet friends, can you forgive me?

In long, still and creeping hours of study,
I can be stern and inaccessible.

My studies tax me to basest function,
resting, weight-like, on my wretched shoulders.
I, too-weary, ebb and at times, tend to
spare few feelings and gall, as if licensed.

Sometimes I go, unwillingly to class,
a melancholy lass. Please, if we talk,
speak gently. I labor under command,
and you may not be answered with reason.

Hereby hangs the tale, ladies just and fair.
Sleep, that dark medicine, has restored me,
my sanity and my better judgment.
Patiently receive my apology
and recall our many fun adventures.
An apology in sonnet
I was rude to some roommates, late one night because they were having fun, and I was completely stressed out - that’s all, we made up - but it made for a sonnet =]
There was a guy
Who always felt like
He could just slide through
All of the days,

Riding a high, feeling
Like he could just
Shuffle the haze,
They thought him crazed;

They called him Teddy,
And this guy was ready
To help you let everything out!

A piece and a quarter,
It's all you let over,
And he would just rise up
And shout!

Said "I'm Teddy xans, so
Give me your hands,
And let me show you
What it's 'bout!"

I told him, pass me
A couple of bars,
Let me raise up
To the level you're on,

Pass me the liquor,
Let's crash us some cars,
End up with flex,
So what's coming next?

He was perplexed,
Said 'what does that
Make us?'

I said "relax, dude
We're just from Texas;"

He said "go on,  we've got
Time to spend,",  I said
"I'm halfway dead,
Old friend,"

He said "no worries,
We're not in a hurry,
Just rack em' and
Stack em' , and let em'
Be buried,

Your wants,  your needs,
Your life in the streets."

I asked him,  

"So what does that
Make me?"
No notes, this is a requiem for my friend Teddy Xans. Wanna guess who he is? Yeah this is my own funeral rite. This one's for me. My game hasn't ended yet. But may I respawn and play again... without this crutch.
Ashwin Kumar Sep 3
When I first met you
It was at the office
I took a liking to you instantly
And I guess the feeling was mutual
You were incredibly nice
And could go on talking
As though nothing could stop you
In fact, it felt as though we already knew each other
And that too for a few years
For some reason
I felt I could trust you with anything and everything
Therefore, it didn't come as a surprise
That we soon became good friends
As far as work was concerned
You were always very supportive and helpful
And I never ever felt bored
While having a conversation with you
Because you could speak on a number of topics
Work, family, politics
Travel, movies, food
The list goes on and on
Moreover, it helped that we had similar views
Especially when it came to politics
On the whole, it was an honour to work with you
Though you couldn't stay for long
Anyway, we have been keeping in touch
And you always read my poems
Something that I appreciate a lot
You are also a very loving mother
I'm sure your kids must be proud of you
Especially the way you strike a balance
Between family and work
I am really happy that we spoke recently
And that too for over twenty minutes
Something that we must do more often
As you yourself mentioned
Anyway, take care and let's catch up soon
And yes, please convey my regards to your family
Mark Toney Aug 31
Above the public pool
a volleyball so cool
stuck for years
in the rafters
breath of life
trapped in
it’s bladder
Evidence of
their lingering
presence, me
if they ever
pondered the
relevance of
the essence they
left behind?
Singsong thoughts
turn inward …
What about me?
In all the places
I’ve been,
pieces of me,
residual traces
of myself
left behind,
cast away!
Small links, unforgotten,
faithfully preserved
by old friends—
threads of connection
reinforced by timeless bonds—
who keep my words,
moves (dancing!), and
shared memories as
precious cargo,
cherished keepsakes,
A clear reminder that
I exist!  I matter!
I’m something much more
than simply air I breathe
on an unremembered day …
Like that beautiful volleyball
in the rafters

W I L S O N ! ! !

Mark Toney © 2023
8/30/2023 - Poetry form: Free verse
Ashwin Kumar Aug 24
Dear Urvashi, wish you a belated happy birthday!!
I've known you for less than a year
However, that doesn't take away the fact
That we've always shared a cordial relationship
Not just as colleagues
But also as good friends
Right from the day we met
I knew that we would get along
Like peas in a pod
As you told me recently
Our conversations have always been meaningful
Whether it be work or personal stuff
I've never felt dull or bored
While interacting with you
You understand me very well
I can be weird sometimes
But that has never bothered you
Because the only thing that truly matters to you
As far as a relationship is concerned
Is character
In fact, that's the way it should be
Also, I've always enjoyed working with you
You are very talented
And your communication skills are top-notch
Not to mention, you are super helpful
I am sure you will make us all proud
As far as your career is concerned
Of course, luck hasn't always been on your side
But you just need to believe in yourself
Stand in front of the mirror
Tell yourself "I can do it"
And you will do it
You also have a fun side
This was on display
When we had the team lunch at Canto
And the team dinner at TOIT
Oh boy, when you talk
You go on and on
As though nothing can stop you
And I feel so comfortable with you
That it almost seems
As though I'm talking to a family member
Finally, you are very sweet and caring
Something that I've particularly noticed
When it comes to your family
By the way, please give my regards to them
And hope you had a great time yesterday
Take care and may the Lord bless you
With loads of love, success, happiness and peace
Dedicated to my friend and ex-colleague Urvashi, whose birthday was yesterday.
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