It was a profound recognition when I met you,
My heart was young
But my soul,
It knew you.
You understood me,
The intensity couldn’t be explained.
The longing,
Immediate trust,
Urge to unite,
Like a magnet,
Your pull was too strong,
And I couldn’t stay away.
Your energetic force
Transported me to a deeper sense of emotion,
Something about me would never be the same.
I didn’t recognize what I saw
But I knew I’d felt this home before.
A person I didn’t know
But a place I could freely fall.
I didn’t belong there on the outside
But within, it was mine—
This sphere that fit like a puzzle piece,
Everywhere else was confusing and out of place.
This little girl didn’t know much about life,
Her mind and brain were still growing.
But you were a calibration point,
A navigational pull
Keeping her straight,
Until the time finally came
When her soul could finally see
Where it always wanted to be.
When I looked at you back then,
I didn’t see your body.
I didn’t see the grip of your hands or the veins in your arms,
Or the way I wanted them to hold me.
I didn’t see the scruff on your chin or your eyes which held stars,
Deep enough to see right through me.
When I looked at you,
I swear I only saw your soul.
I saw your story.
I saw hundreds of moments of laughter and pain behind those light blue eyes.
I saw who you had been and who you were still becoming.
I saw a man that looked so foreign,
But without rational sense,
Felt as familiar as my own bones.
And when this little girl was finally grown,
A trauma that sped up her years,
My body suddenly knew yours,
My heart suddenly felt at ease.
Whether I can explain why or not,
I hope you know what I felt was real.
The way my body took unconscious steps forward,
Shortening the rope,
Bridging the space between us.
Our lives seemed to fold into one another,
It wasn’t love at first sight,
But connection—connection of both body and soul.
I’ll never forget these moments,
When nothing and everything made sense all at once.
I was pulled to you,
In ways I still can’t understand.
We were connected—mind, body, soul—and it was real,
Still is real,
Will always be real,
For me, at least.
And if it’s true that I know you,
That I knew you before,
Maybe this is just another trial run that didn’t work out.
My needy soul wants who it wants,
It wishes it could speed up the rerun instead of waiting in torture.
If only it were that easy,
I’d let you finish this round.
You got a head start this time,
And gained a lot along the way.
So I’ll walk off the sidelines instead of crossing the finish line
And see you in the next race.
How long does it take to get used to *****?
Most people say they never do,
It burns too much.
But the first time it touched this body
It went down like liquid honey
Like it’d been there many times before,
But still not enough to forget the one I loved and lost.
There is no logical explanation for you.
You can’t be reasoned about,
But there is an inexplicable mutual recognition I know exists.
We were a mix of powerful excitement and fear,
Certainty and uncertainty,
Safety and danger.
Your love was free,
But your presence costs time.
It breaks my heart
That I let myself get so attached
Thinking I could ever win first prize
When I never even had a chance.
Now I’m supposed to live without you
Even though sometimes it feels so strong,
I would choose you against the whole world.
Because after all this time,
You became the world to me.
Even if eternity frowns upon it
My heart screams for you
No matter how much my mind tells me
"NO,”
I love you
With such a resounding
"YES"
That it almost seems as though you were the reason I was living to start.
But I can’t make you love me
And that’s a fact.
I set boundaries and built walls
To protect myself from people seeing the shattered parts of my soul.
But then you came,
And those walls fell to dust.
I let you decrypt the deepest parts of me
And fell into hope that you would put my shattered pieces back together.
But what seemed so good left me with no hope,
So hollow that I can no longer look within.
You could wreck every part of me,
But I’d still love you with the kind of love that burns so intense
It feels like fireworks breaking and healing my bones all at once.
You leave me wide awake yet exhilarated,
So lost but exactly where I’m meant to be.
The can’t-sleep-can’t-breathe-can’t-eat type of love.
You were my first true desire
And now I’m constantly stopping from giving myself anything good,
Because it’s not you
It never will be
And nothing can fill the empty void in my heart
Like you once did.
When you kissed me
It was like you kissed the hell out of me,
Literally.
My body was subtly writhing in pain,
Holding onto so many demons and means of death.
I silently wanted you to kiss the hell out of me
In hopes that you might possibly
Save me.
But I fell in love,
Hoping I would rise in love.
I was not saved,
Because it couldn’t stay.
I was broken,
Because it left too fast.
I crashed to the ground
And I swear it crushed all of me.
I was shattered but I didn’t notice I was lacking air
When I was drowning in your eyes.
I couldn’t feel the pain in my bones
When you arms were wrapped around me
Keeping them all in place.
But then it ended,
And I felt it in every part of me.
So I’m looking for closure of any kind
Just to get you off my mind.
Because a head so full of you
And a heart of nothing but you
And a dream that is made of you
Is not worth the time
If I can’t have you.
I’m not saying that I’m constantly thinking of you,
But I can’t deny the fact that
Every time my mind wanders,
It always finds some way back to you.
So I’m taking scissors and trying to cut off the rope
But I can’t keep from butchering myself
When you won’t come off.
Tell me,
Would you please help me cut you off?
But when the rope falls,
Please don’t leave without a hug.
I just want to be close to you.
I’m hoping that if you were only temporary,
Maybe the pain will be too.
People say they know love
But I look around
At everyone everywhere,
And I can’t imagine they’ve felt the life that I did.
The breath in their lungs
The passion that physically kills them,
Slowly,
Painfully,
To feel so connected to someone
That you can’t see life beyond them.
This love can’t be normal
And I don’t believe it is.
But if I was not made for you
Then I don’t want to be made for anyone
Because I never want to experience this again.
Never again.