lost in mysterious shades no aid to what I have played (myself) falling into an illusion the pursuit of love there's no need to desire if it's all around yet, I'm alone in bed wanting to hold someone to sleep the memories are deep I question what I truly seek practicing everyday to communicate feelings art is the result expression through mediums I've always known.. this is what I would do there's no room for people like me, so I'll remain in solitude (i have so many new posters to hang up) my week has been weird, I sleep a lot these days... it's not that I want to... I wake up and lay... think... long for her... my eyes slowly begin to close until... IT'S ******* 1 PM AND I THINK TO MYSELF... I COULD'VE BEEN DOING ****... (I reason with myself..."you do work from 10 to 3am...every night of the week) I'm not used to my schedule growing up after college kind of *****... where I want to be will take some work (mostly financially) a stable job... my own place... solitude... good ****... soon.. I hope I've been doing my best to overcome yesterdays "self" even though I know ultimately there is no "self" little day by day accomplishments drives the human let me be human with inconsistent reasoning and carelessnes... I'll learn from it ... and also be nothing.. at the same time? isn't it all the same anyway, it's 4:39 am and I always wonder why I'm so drawn to specifying the time in some of my poems it's not that deep... I promise maybe I should be the first person to introduce cubist poetry?? could that be a thing?? just write about different times in my life in a "poetic manner" and jumping to when I was 10 years old busting my first nut the internet was weird for me those days soccer compilation vids of my idols and **** (writer later on becomes a monster and commits suicide) (in my dreams) anyway these days... I feel alive, I was talking to this girl but I know... it won't work time requires some entertainment and I'm just... a ******* when it comes to feeling something for someone other than who I'd want to... start a family with... I know right those hopes have evaporated into nothingness and I'm here... I'm capable different people make me realize different things about myself that's why I choose to expose myself... their way of being changes when I let them know... it's okay to be, no pressure no ego we're just a **** load of atoms... communicating (I don't want to believe in anything) I want to learn so many instruments stringed percussion **** I'm on a good track.... I believe I wan't to write my parents symphonies and the girl I miss... I always comeback to that thinking about what to type live for my wrongs to make them right go through the dark to get to the light fear no repercussions, out of perspective sight I feel like I've gone off track it's been a long day I can't wait to wake up tomorrow I might go get some kolaches later... my spot opens in 4 minutes should.. I leave now??? mm.... I'll give it 30 minutes after I post this I may lay down and fall asleep though I never have the desire to eat in the morning gives me more time to plan what I'm going to stuff my face in later on intermittent fasting bro I hear you can sell your art via crypto currency...I've also made research about how it's bad for the environment??? weird... but I want to give the future generations more time to solve modern day dilemmas... like that **** it'd be dumb if I fell asleep mid sentence and my computer died... I'm actually pretty tired... I closed my eyes for 10 seconds and thought 30 minutes had gone by... I'm... hungry though (lol) I think I will go out for those kolaches after ******* all (as my eyes close slowly) I'm here... awake...listening to Polyphia getting hype this solo how the ****?? my days are numbered so are yours we will all vanish... every word people say about us after we're gone means nothing but will be missed somehow I'm going to end it here the poem hahaha I have... a lot to live for finally
My heart has risen from it’s dormant winter No longer blanketed by clouded skies It’s cold comfort no longer appealing And can no longer cover my shadows, my footprints, my pride They parted like window drapes To a view so intimidating and sublime Of all the possibilities For a future- to myself- I denied During this season It took too much effort to bade off The allure of such a melancholy dream It took a strength I did not possess A truth I could not confess But now I have found the courage to find the warmth inside of me To brighten my tunneled vision To see my own faults But realize things happen for a reason As if warmth gives to warmth And misery feeds into misery But no one has to be the villain
So, I've been reflecting recently on why I do things or how I end up in the same situations over and over. The common denominator in all of these instances is me. But, I mean in no way to become the villain or the victim, rather I wish to be aware of my tendencies, address them and move on. I've had a history of falling into rabbit holes and becoming prone to feeding into negative thoughts. I want to tell a new story.
I have taught myself to believe that everything happens for a reason... how else am I supposed to cope with the endless, torturous hurt that barrels through my body day after day, wearing down my bones the way trains begin to wear down their tracks; the piercing shriek of the wheels spinning against the push of the brakes mimicking the cry of my legs struggling to hold up the nineteen year's worth of trauma and heartache and exhaustion threatening to come tumbling down onto the tracks while my heart is forced to stare helplessly on, an innocent bystander to the impending tragedy that will forever scar her for life as she is forced to watch me lose mine?
An evening full of bliss Dreams and infatuation blooming Laughter and confidence radiating Such an evening only results in a morning full of sorrow As you mourn the loss of feeling alive A feeling which only sparks but once every season