biting my nails down till they bleed was always a bad habit of mine. I guess biting me down till I bled was one of yours, I was the bit of skin at the edge of your thumb that took one pull for a world of pain, you don't think about it you just do it, you don't care what comes after, see you knew I was fragile yet didn't mind because you had an ash pan at hand, you swept me to the side and left me there. See I am the wobbly table leg one push away from a fall, and you just love taking out my screws.

I hate myself
It's not a surprise
Most teens are
Insecure
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Ready to jump.

I remember being 8
I've always thought that one day I would just get smaller
But I got bigger
And my circle of bullies got bigger
And my friends smaller
My sobs louder
And my laughs nonexistent

Here comes middle school
And the kids are even crueler
I wished and prayed that this fat would just go away
And I could have friends again
I lost more
And I gained some again
I got bullied for everything
And I hung my head in shame
I didn't speak
I wished that they couldn't see me
That I was invisible
Out of sight
Free

Third but not last
High school
My not so old friend
I sliced my skin more than once
Cried a lot
Discovered pieces of myself
And lost some pieces too
Loved some
But hated most
Wished that it would be better
But it was all a lie
I didn't go to prom
I barely graduated
I was glad when I left
That I would never have to come back

I learned what my mental illnesses are
And the voices in my head aren't real
But I can't stop them from saying these terrible things
I'm stuck in my own mind
How does that even happen?
Well it did
And now I can't tell the difference between me and trash
Because we're so alike
Nobody wants us but ourselves.

Not like we'd let anyone in anyways
We're too broken to love someone else
Too ashamed to tell our secrets and how much we've failed
Too scared of letting go
Of the things that make me us safe.
We're fried in the head
Loopy
Too much to manage.
Crazy
But they don't know how crazy in the head we really are.

I see in varied clarity,
As fog evades reality,
I dot my Is,
and cross my Ts

Yet still this world alluding me,
Is not the same one that you see.

Transfixed,
But no desire to flee,
I’m dancing with insanity.

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I am stretched out,
Afloat,
Atop a vast ocean,
Of inputs and emotions.

I know,
When the surface tension breaks,
I will surely drown.

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The impending sense of dread,
Scurries back into my mind,
​
Whilst I attempt to distract myself,
Pretending to unwind.

When all I’m doing really,
Is finding ways to procrastinate.

To distract oneself from oneself,
It’s fantastically obstinate.

Like an ash from a flame
fallen to the ground…
I am cold, gray and dead.
Like an ember
once amid the flames burning bright
I am thrown down
and trampled underfoot.
George Grogan

once again we broke the gate
clad iron bars strewn across my arms
they poke and prod and tear the skin
a misconstrued broken heart

slip across philosophy and slide across water
I drowned in hatred and took notice of my father
he holds figurines of bloodshot eyes and a cremated holist

he believes there is more to everything
with every shout there is a purpose
with every hit there is a purpose
with every display of humiliation shows a twisted purpose

18 years of shame
parents can be cruel

as they should.

In that moment I knew, that feeling of knowing,
To without any reasonably conclusion,
Have an unyielding sense of where the pieces lie.

And that tasteless grain of alabaster, so profuse
Raining even harder now, the ground a pathetic mixture.
Blood, mud and betrayal.

Two strangers, one in bed with the shit of the world
The other, with an unamused smug, hating the other.
Pausing, the rain stops, checkmate.

For all of an eternity, how does one not know self.
And upon becoming one with filth, why was it so?
In envious conclusion, I sleep, relinquishing control.

He rummages to the forefront, having prepared.
Having mastered this scenario hundreds of time,
So seamlessly did he maneuver.

Casting away the mask of my failure,
To carve forward his dominating force of hand.
This personality, so fiendish but still me.