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the condition of my mental health is a never-ending cycle
and it always begins or returns to the clouds
they come from nowhere on a clear and sunny day
covering any form of light
not letting anyone in
with every task, they become darker
threatening to explode
until they do
and once they do
it becomes a thunderstorm
i am a sailor lost at sea
can never find the way
to be happy
the rain washes away
any hope that may remain
my thoughts mix into one
i pull myself apart
one part by one
my voice no longer mine
they say there's a calm after every storm
but mine never seems near
i'm either facing the clouds
or the tears
My thoughts
They are messed up
Am I messed up?
Say anything please, anything at all.
I just want to hear a familiar voice
I also want to know what's out there
Will you please talk to me?
Will you just give me one moment?
And then I promise, you can go
Until then your voice... will suffice
I don’t understand human needs
I never have
I didn't choose this
It’s as if they’ve chosen me all along
You chose me
You would never say though, would you?
You keep your thoughts inside that mind
How do you have the mental capacity?
Messy thoughts
It won’t let those thoughts out.
You’re guarded, why are you guarded?
Who made you suffer?
Made you the way you are...
Because even though it aches, it made you
so beautiful
Flawless, without effort
If you knew me before everything.
If we were together in another life.
My lips sewn shut, my hands bound
And my thoughts are disoriented.
A current excerpt of how I'm feeling right now.
I say
Like I deserve all the attention the world has to give

What'd you do today?
I reply
Like there's a grand scheme that's hidden behind locked doors

Oh nice, what for?
Oh what?
No one wants to talk to you?
******* for saying that to me
To me...

Narcissistic hero
And his friend
The antagonist
Crossed paths in the chat window today

Friends are more like enemies
Because I keep them close
It's not right, it's not right
Always making friends of my foes

It's not right, it's not right
And they're right to be upset
At the narcissistic hero
Who story isn't over yet

And his friend the antagonist
Postured neatly, types away
All their problems and what
Does the narcissist say?

******* for friendship
And ******* for my problems
I'm sorry I snapped
Now what's YOUR problem

And it flips over
And I'm back again

I say
Bukowski said
You can't beat death
You can beat death in life, sometimes

And I know that
I've always known that
We all always know that
But fog is thick when the storm comes
When lightning blinds the eyes of
Those that are out looking
For their runaway pet or a shelter to hide under
But lightning is still a light
In the dark
There's a blindingly bright flash
And so storms
Are new courage to me
If I don't succumb to the elements
Those blinding lights in the sky
Can show me shelter
And I'll find it
You'll find it
And the storm will pass
Clouds will go from black to grey
And when you find it
Hold it close, ******

Because like Bukowski said
You can't beat death
You can beat death in life, sometimes
I saw a dead baby bird on the ground one day as a kid. It had fallen from its nest much too soon and must have died upon impact. Or maybe it died in the nest and fell afterwards. That's mortality. That's fragility. That's a god ****** metaphor for everything. And nature beat me to the punch.
Time is a man
Whose suit doesn't fit him quite right
Who has a cat that sleeps with him nearly every night
Time is a woman
Who questions the name she was given at birth
And paces in circles through her kitchen until 2 am
Time is a child
Who was once young but is now hiding in laughter
Behind pints in a dingy bar
Time is an orchestra
Whose sheet music blew away in the wind
And is relying on memory to take its place
Time is a *******
Of willful regret and sinful inaction
Of brow furled unease and gleeful distraction

So I wait, you wait, and we all wait.
Time will make us as we're meant to be
The religious and academic minds bicker
For time is the cause of reason
And the cause of joy
And sadness
And despair
And everything else

Time is a man with nothing on his mind
And with empty pockets
That he says are full of ungranted wishes
Like a little sack of joy purchased on a street corner

And time is in us all and we are of it
So make of that as you will
And I asked him, I said,
"What was the first thought you had as a child?"
"You know, before consciousness took hold?"
He looked at me confused in the mirror
"What was the first thought you had when you woke up this morning?"
He uttered in reply
****** out to deafen the thoughts of
Situations replaying in my head
I said and I meant every one of those words
In these imaginary scenarios
That never happen, a circumstance of my action or inaction
This is a breaking news headline
One insignificant man thinks he's dying
And now he's crying and calling up his friends
To complain, always the same, always out of luck and out of his mind
I swear to god this **** runs thick
Like every chance I get I hop on board
And then get told to get back off and wait my turn
It's a pain, and I get used to it sometimes
But I'd be lying if I said it ain't still a crying shame
When I get in line on time but still miss the train...
Of thought is off track again, back in
Unhealthy places and I know it's not right
How I'm never comfortable
With the comfortable and lay awake at night
At 2 am, 3 am, 4 am, and the sun's up again
I guess it's time
To pick myself up for another round
A cage match, nothing but fists
And I'm on myself again, boy am I winning this time
Where was I going with this?
Wait where am I at now?
****, man, if that isn't a metaphor for how I've been living my life
It's done, poems up, everyone go home
**** the butterflies while they're still caterpillars
Because they might just be moths in the end
That live for nothing more than soaking in your light
And beating their heads and wings against the bulb until it goes out

**** the optimism that we're all born with
Because it'll sink underground with you one day
And the people, the mourners, they'll all gather to grieve
Reliving a dead man's struggles as if they were their own

**** your honesty because no absolutes exist in this world
No truth nor lie means anything more than you do
And you mean a lot, you know you mean so much
So **** the worries and **** the obligation you put on your poor soul

**** your heart and let it bleed dry just one more time, love
Because no tree ever grew without shedding a few leaves
No tower was ever built without a hole dug for a new foundation
So **** your past and even your present, but live on and embrace the unexpected
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