I’ve never felt More luxurious Than when I was on a newly Prescribed drug With a total body high, Coming down from mania, Still exuberant, But in a private space, In my bathroom In the ward, In a bathtub That does not fill up. So I put on the shower And I let the water hit my skin And I took bite after bite Of crisp and juicy apple slices. I was at the mental hospital Marilyn Monroe stayed in. I imagined her here in the same bath Also feeling luxurious and all sorts Of ****** up like me.
I can't find the words today... If I speak, no one will believe me They never did, anyways So I put my heart on display But my mind is slipping My soul is aching And I just want them to listen to me I want somebody to believe me Just because my condition isn't physical, doesn't mean it isn't real Mental illness infects the mind and body Some people are too ignorant to understand
I feel like a phone that has been used all day, Until it's breaking Point like it has reached its lowest battery percentage, until its dead I feel emotionally drained.
I give i,-I give, and I give until I've given my everything. Until the end I feel like no one cares about giving me a single thing, I feel used and ignored and when lm Finally recharged Im being picked up again...
Up… Up… UP. Down… down… down… My mind is a storm. Chaos. An ocean of thoughts. Ideas. Aspirations. Confusion. Despair. Isolation. How long must I suffer?
Surrounded yet alone.
But then I’m not. Up, up, up I float. I walk on clouds. Mountain tops. I cling to this feeling. How long will it last? I, naively, hope forever. I float in peaceful rivers. I lift my eyes to the Heavens, and burst with thankfulness. I’m okay I’m not alone. I am at peace and enveloped by everlasting love. Though I crash, abruptly. I fall and fall and fall. I crack. But I heal. I endure, keep trudging. The confusion and lies of Satan don’t pin me down. Not anymore. You are with me, forever. You wait for me. Love me. Hold me. Walk beside me. I am a warrior. Survivor. Stronger than ever. I can’t do it alone. This life, this rollercoaster of a mind. I can’t trust myself, I put myself in Your Hands. I trust You. I cling to you, with all that I am. For You are good, and You provide. I repent. I am renewed. Peace ever flowing, Love everlasting. My Love. My Father. My Savior. Thank You. I am not a disappointment, or crazy, or demon possessed. Your Holy Spirit remains. You love through me. You were intentional in my creation. I am Yours. Forever and always. Amen.
My soul is afraid Of when love used to be dangerous, When home was not synonymous with protection, And when I wasn't safe Even from myself. Memories contuse my heart And leave bitter embers on my brain. I wonder when I will be able to let go Of a past that should not hold so much power Over a future I've worked so hard for.
I spend. I drink. I rationalize. I think. No filter. I speak. Hypocrite. I leak. Overdrive. Can’t stop. Socialize. I shop. Mentality. No breaks. Try to heal. I ache. Pray. For sanity. Vanish. Vanity. Love. Conditions. Strive. Submission. All is fine. Squander. Why? I wonder. Stand up. I pledge. Not worth the fight. Allege. Drained. Mentally. Stained. Fundamentally. Saved. Eternal. Grateful. External. Unchanging. All praise. Loved. Unfazed.
The moon… With its phrases and different shapes Sure is it’s OK to be going through different phrases and emotions The sun with rising and sets Means it’s OK to have your ups and downs Your emotions will not last at least not the negative ones It’s OK to be human the night and Day sky shows that this is what we are supposed to be like going up and down and having different phases and emotions It’s OK not to be OK