The sanity of my mind in its most breathtaking imperfection
It's memories all blue and drunk with anger
A graveyard instead of a brain
A reckless driver of my hormones

I wish I'd stop feeling at all
Because feeling is painful
Existing isn't light
My bones, broken and trapped in my dead flesh
That won't let them escape.

I can't walk
I can't get out of bed
I scream help but just like my dreams
No voice is coming out of my throat

Either I'm dead or voiceless
or everyone else has gone deaf

I am racked with pain
My courage has become too bitter to swallow
Hope will never appear at this abominable party
That my body has become

My faith is fake

My knees clank
I numb
I wish I was dead
Or instead never been born

My eyes, a sun of shame too bright to look at
Men are the meat and women the wine
I swallow them both
I'll take them with me as I go

Cause I don't wanna go alone
I cry but no one listens
Except the dead or the desperate
The latter will never help another one of them

So I'm stuck with the dead
The deaf ones
I'm stuck in the deaf-land of the living dead

Blood, your beauty is my last home

Fill a bathtub with you and dip me into my mama's belly again
With all her bloody warm fluids
I want to be a baby again!
I want to start again!

With no pain

Blood, stop inviting me at night
It's not polite
I thought you were good
But you're as messed up as everyone else

I agonize
The rapes
The thirst for my mother's milk
I wish she was dead

But in a way, she's already dead

Please blood, make your whispers stronger
Your invitation more seductive
Fill the bathtub and fill me up
Fill the crater that trauma and torment left in my heart

Kindness, please fill the bathtub instead of the blood
Why you never knock my door?

Compassion, could you try to fill this bathtub?
Why you've disappeared?
Actually, we've never met.
But now it's the best moment to make it up to me.

So, come Compassion
and I'll forgive you and I'll love you
and I'll fill every day a bathtub with you
and swim in its endless depths
bigger than every ocean

every day

Kindness, Compassion,
Have you both become deaf?
Or are you voiceless?
The blood has taken you both

Perhaps
I'll never know if I go

But death isn't scaring
Life it is
How life alters you to the bone it is
Isn't it?

olive 1d

my colors are different
and they live in my mind
i spent so long unaware
that these colors are mine

sometimes they are sad
and sometimes bring pain
but they cannot change
and that makes me insane

i wish they would go
and let me have peace
but i am my colors
and my colors are me

here’s a lie to keep you living
a veil of truth to shade your eyes
what searing pains your body has endured
are illusions from your mind

it’s nothing big, it’ll be alright
you shout above the cacophony upstairs
my monsters have just come out to play
they do that, you know, in my nightmares

we dance an endless waltz with darkness
and convince ourselves we’re fine
so what if we haven’t seen the sun in months
we’re alive, we swear, we’re not dying

but what happens when we stop showing up?
are we still here, or no?
does anybody miss us
or stop to ask “where did they go?”

will they notice the lack of color
will they miss our favorite songs?
will they wonder how we lived
with all of this darkness for so long?

nah, they won’t notice
it’s all an illusion anyway
at least that’s what the doctor said
that, and $150 for your stay

-rgp

Toby 1d

As soon as I walked in,
The mood changed.
It was because of me.
I tried to bring it back.
Nothing I did work.
You said, "You're emotionally unavailable."
Then the sadness crept back in.
I tried to take my mind off it.
While you sat and did your own thing.
Found you on the floor saying, "whatever" to all my suggestions.
Then you up and left.
Probably wouldn't have said a word if I hadn't asked.
I'm constantly asking myself: should two people with mental illnesses be together?
I guess the answer is whatever.

Dementia, deja vu
It happened to me,
It could happen to you.

Bed sheets rake flesh,
High grade sand paper,
Blades dull and rust,
As if I held my breaking heart.

Whenever, wherever,
Brain signals fire, nothing is true
Walls close in, pain takes hold,
Insanity becomes the typical mold

Why can't I respect the flow?

So they say, just apart of the waves.

I wonder why I can never just chill out.

Insane in the membrane, never normal, overbearing.

My mental health
Has always been a see saw,
That likes to tip me up.

But now I’m slowly starting
To even that see saw out.

The rocking contraption has always
Pushed me to the floor,
Held it’s legs extended,
Then bounced me to the air.

My see saw mind has struggled
Creaking and teetering side by side,
But slowly, my tipping mind

Has begun to

No longer are there these rushes,
That make me scream and cling

But both pairs of my feet,
Have found the ground.
And I’ve let this quiet bobbing begin.

Riot 3d

I cried myself to the shower last night.

I used boy shampoo over the arms that I’ve been scratching for hour, four hours spent trying to get the blood I hated so much to come up and sit on my skin like it was their art gallery, hanging on for display.

It never came.

I run water over me burning tears into camouflage,the words of an empty life stung to my head as if the thoughts branded it here on me permanently.

I’ve had nights like this before.

Nights where I put on the loosest pajamas I could find, the ones with ESPN written written as read as the books on my old library shelf. The ones I took when my brother went to work and left me by myself, the ones that made me feel manly, even if I didn’t look like a man.

I wouldn’t put a shirt on.

My chest was bare, not in the way I wanted, but I couldn’t tear off my breast and give them to a girl who wasn’t born with them, I’d just have to stare till my stomach growled and tears streamed down my face, fears of a life unloved and unlived made me put on a loose shirt and tell myself I wasn’t hungry, so instead I thought of you.

You, with your crooked smile when you see me at your doorstep with the sun’s colors draped in a bouquet. I show up in a fox shirt, the one I call lucky, and you count each and every one and you point out how dorky I am.

You, with your back on the mattress of the cheapest apartment we could find, reading love letters I’ve written to your baby sister over the phone, telling her of all my love in the distance of thousands of miles. I try to pretend I can’t hear you from the kitchen as I make you tea, the lemon juice coating it bronze with the color of its juice, your vase holds out bright sprouts of happiness as a centerpiece.


Daisies plague my mind on nights like these. They’re scattered at your funeral & my own on our graves, at the fifty yard mark.

“We’ve been rolling together since we were 25.”

Nights like these remind me that my masterpiece is so far, even if the dasies are so close, so near.

ugh

a familiar stain on my mind
falling into the cracks i bear
bask in the uncertainty
drink in the doubt slowly
allow the ghosts
of your past to soothe you
learn to let go
& talk to yourself in the
third-person
keep losing yourself
just let it go

"Oh there's something in my mind that's killing me; there's something that this life's not giving me..."
erin 3d

It's just a poem
But it's not just a poem
It can be painkiller
A way to coping with mental pain

It's just a poem
But it's not just a poem
It can be a big ocean
A place to pour our emotions

It's just a poem
But it's not just a poem
It can be a torch
A light when people can seek peace

bess 3d

Sometimes I wish you were never apart of my life.

But if it wasn't for you, what the hell would be left of me?

Would all of the cuts and scratches and scars disappear? All of these ugly, little things that tell my story would simply evaporate?

It's because of you that I can tell the good days from the bad.

And it's because of you I appreciate the small things.

I appreciate smooth roads because I've driven on rocky.

Some days I close my eyes so tight they hurt. I beg and I beg and I beg that when I wake up, all of the bad is gone.

The memories.

The hurt.

The ache.

But I open my eyes and I'm still just here. So I exist.

And some days, that's all I need to do,

Simply exist.

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