sometimes it feels like i haven’t really woken up until the sun has begun its descent into the background where i’m afraid that i’ve faded in and out for most of my time never quite getting the focus right
because i am filled with clouds and rain and fog and god they are beautiful but i am so sick from how they fill me up and droop heavily over my eyes until the gray drapes over everyday i’m sure i’ve never known how it feels for the summer to stay
so i will rise with the sun and run and drink tea in the morning and use its light to illuminate the things i never had the chance to find the clouds loom overhead because they always do but i want to see what’s on the other side and walk away with my head held high while i fall in love with the sun
I'm caught in a forest My glass frame is jagged and shattered I give in to a distant call to rest And I search for somewhere to lay my head The forest is quiet A whisp broke me and left And I'm alone to care for a grove I am broken, I am scared, I am upset Something ahead of me Trapped in the overgrowth It can't be! My armor, my friend, my beautiful cog! Oh! What have I done to you? I check it's inner workings Gears clogged with vines and branches Iron rusted through Until I wander deep enough And I find the source of my distant whisper My hearth Once a great and burning flame To move my cog so powerfully So patiently Subserviently I climb in And flames long dead begin to burn once more It melts my glass And smooths me out And I lay my head to rest I close my eyes When I open them again I see through the juggernaut's eyes And I burn so hot from my pain The overgrowth burns away Rusted parts shatter away A plume of smoke billows from me I am a cog once more I feel so heavy So tired But oh so powerful A great machine finds me in this grove And offers me a place in it's inner workings Other cogs inside, made of shining steel greet me We grind and toil away And I feel so at home After harming and being harmed by a beautiful whisp Who I now understand never truly understood me Nor did I understand them They fled from me Left me so alone But I am strong once more I am so tired I feel safe and complacent So I will rest and let my body fall into routine I will sleep I will obey my new machine I will dream
New experiences aren't for everyone. I hurt people and was myself hurt by my confusion, fear, and ignorance. I was then abandoned and now I do nothing but work and rest and while I'm not happy, I do feel steady. I feel safe.
Within the long Selah, deep in the chasm of the pause, His words sink, seep, down into the cracks, into the gaps and salves where bitter words were once rooted and grew to sprout a harvest of self recriminations to the third and fourth generation.
Within the long Selah, in that cleft his seed begins a fresh sowing and leaves new promise of a fresh crop of sweeter fruit.
The Psalms include the use of the word, Selah - thought by some to be a musical term, denoting a pause. This years been a long pause.
How does your desire to heal foreign wounds translate into open skies of flaming reds and solemn blues ready to soak up all the rain that drizzles on the frontlines you’ve carved along the horizon of pain still unspoken for
Mum says “light a candle, burn some incense” but mum my inner sense is the only thing stopping me from burning myself to the ground because I can’t stand the light anymore.
Nan says “your'e too bright to be depressed” but the bright sparks that flicker of a memory that is dark, and the flame only reminds me that everybody I love is someday gonna die. But mum..... nan...... i’m not afraid of the dark, that’s the problem.
It’s hard to have fun when i don't feel like having fun. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that i don’t want to go to the party, I WANT to go to the party, but i’m stuck in an abusive relationship with depression and anxiety and they talk me out of going. Cancel plans last minute, making up a physical illness, because "sorry I'm too depressed to see u" sounds utterly ridiculous.
Their song Tells of ages great and long Warriors found and forged Along the beaten path Souls deeply bound Great foes emerged Faced with mighty wrath
Drinks all shared Stories of deeds dared Battles to the very brinks Of what sanity each knows Upon steeds of white they rode Bringing but death and remaining humanity No matter how ill the journey may indeed bode
Not every battle Was fought riding in the saddle With sharpest sword or strongest ax Nor concealed dagger or fearsome fist But in walls of roaring metal With sharpest words and strongest facts Concealed stagger and fearsome twist Leaving wounds to bleed Perhaps more than a visible **** Fuel to deed great or foul Perhaps to lash and scowl To yearn and to feel To learn and to heal