(TW: mention of ****, self harm, ED, abuse, relapse, addiction, drugs, my toxic ex who should choke on a filthy toe, etc.)

I need to write something


anything
to tear my
mind away from you
from your hands
your face
your voice
your smile
your eyes
god, the way
you trace
delicate patterns in my
heart

circles
irises
planets
solar flares
shapes that
haven't been invented yet
you carved them deep
you carved them carelessly
into my chest
so that I would never be able
to forget

I need to write something


I need to write
so I don't have to remember
how you ran up to me
the last time I saw you
as I was walking
towards hell itself
you gave me my
half finished
orange juice
that I was going to leave
behind
in the car
with your dad

you told me to drink it
that you were worried about me
that you cared,
that your father did too

something so simple
shouldn't be this meaningful
but to a relapsing anorexic,
it was


why am I cursed with
these painful
painful
painful
excruciating
memories
of fleeting and cruel
moments
I can never *******
return too?
why do you exist in
this cassette player you
hand built in my head?
and installed right where it hurts?

why did you put
every beautiful word
you ever dared speak to me
on repeat
on loop
a symphony of repetition
you knew that I would crave
just to walk away?
why would you
do such a terrible thing?
why would you
leave me to suffer
in your sound
if

you're gone?

absent.
that's the reality
so why then?
****.


I so desperately need to write something


I don't want
to think about your stupid
curly hair
your stupid dorky smile
your mannerisms
the way you speak
how you light up when
you start on one of your rambles
of something you're passionate about
or something you've been relentlessly
researching
out of boredom or
interest
it was always different
every time
you captivated me and
every time
you made me fall in love,
like clockwork
you let me down
made me bleed

your ''love''
I can't even count the scars that it left
they draw breath
all over my body
there are hundreds from the time
you cheated
there are more that served to
help me survive
the ****
why do I still think
it was okay, the things
you put me through?

you're the devil himself
I despise your mind games
I hate your temptation
I don't want to remember
such small details
I hate that I am tormented,
haunted by the
way my bed creaks
by the empty promises you made me,
for me
as you held me.
promises I thought
were made up of stardust
and real love

I found were
really just
******* and glitter
you got me high
made me ill
and I was too addicted
I was too sick
to give a ****
to want anything more
than your pretty
sparkly powder
that I inhaled
and overdosed from
time and time again


it's hard because,
I can never get enough of you
and yet,
the more of you I have
the worse I become


and
I need to write
because
I don't want
no, I 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵
*******
think about
the stupid
orange juice

anymore
I can't keep replaying
the good parts of the movie
and skipping all of the
*******
closing my eyes
fast-forwarding
whenever I don't want to see, or feel
but you gave me orange juice
and I remember kissing you
when you did
I watched you walk back to the car
and I wondered
if that was the last time
I would see you

I sipped on the juice
when my mom yelled
when the cops came

it kept me sane
I held onto the cup
like it was a life raft
in a tsunami

that was the orange juice
but you. . .

you never
once
persisted in being
something even remotely
similar to a life raft
if anything,
you were the tsunami
itself


and you gave me the means
to stay alive, sure

but just barely



eden