If I could go back to the day I first laid eyes on you, if I could erase your very image from the deepest parts of my being, I'd do it in a heartbeat. You couldn't begin to know what you do to me, the crippling pain that I feel when reality actually hits. And it hits so hard. I don't want to have to face this. You don't know me, you'll never know me. And if we ever so happen to meet it'll be a fleeting glance lost in a sea of other gazes. You'll never know me as intimately as I'd like, and boy, does that hurt.

You're perfect you know. To me at least. You make my days seem a little less miserable and even with all that you've been through it didn't kill you. It couldn't break your spirit. Its what inspires me. But see, the thing is, I'm not strong enough. I'm not powerful enough. I'm not enough. I can't be like you. I can't shake this. It isn't as bad anymore, I'm a big girl now. So Don't worry about me, not that you'd ever know what I'm going through anyway. How could you?

How many times have you heard this? A lot I bet. Thousands of times. Words can't be that unique can they? Millions of ways to phrase the exact. Same. Thought. I want to be special. I want to be remembered and so loved that the darkness can't seep into my bones anymore. They've taken all they can from me. I don't want to say I love you. In fact I wish that I could hate you. Strip every bit of humanity from your being and magnify your flaws. I want to be able to despise you, but in some way, the thought of leaving you completely behind is horrifying. I can't, I won't.

If anything its getting worse with each passing day. Every thought I have is tinged with you. I think of you the most, your joy, your tears, your raw passion that fills up an entire stadium and rocks the very foundation that was barely keeping me upright to begin with. Your voice mesmerized me from the very beginning and damn if I don't resent you for it. You're all I've ever wanted, you make me feel protected even when there are a million miles and faces between us. How is it possible, to love someone so much?

My heart beats to the rhythms you create, the tempo carrying me away from everything that has ever caused me harm, away from the harshness of this life. It keeps me safe from everyone. Everyone but you. I know that you'd never hurt me, or anyone else for that matter intentionally. And that revelation alone has caused my resentment for you to double, while the love that I have for you has tripled.

There is a war waging inside of me, it feels as though I am tearing myself apart limb from limb, it scares me. I'm scared that soon, there will be nothing left of me, nothing left to give. There is only thing that will remain inside of me, the only constant in this blurry haze of love, longing and doubt. I'm afraid that I'll succumb to these emotions. All of these caused by one beautiful, perfect, terrifying person.

You

if anything
aren't we just made up of
snippets of other people
one's our eyes
have yet to
settle upon
even those we may never meet
we romanticise our bad habits
we chant them like
bittersweet symphonies
we parade our melancholy insidiously
in hopes of someone listening
they hear our cries; they know it too
a pain so familiar
it unites a couple few
their desirous whines for
the land of milk and honey
may have been answered
as for the others
bliss only blesses the
blessed

The first time I saw you
It was through a dirty window.
You were leaning against a wall
Smoking a cigarette.

A tall, cool strager totally unaware.

I couldn't help but wonder
If your lips tasted like nicotine
Or if those slight curls
Were as soft as they looked.

And I knew then I wanted you.

I wanted to scream,
"Can I be your new addiction?"
But then you put out the spark
And retreated into that green door.

You left me wanting to see so much more.

I wish I could call you guys people
Especially when you guys are jerks
Always yelling and screaming
Fighting and lying all the time
I wish you stop.

Sometimes you make me want to yell
And scream.
I say things I don't mean but
I want to say I love you
This crazy dysfunctional family
Is mine forever to keep

Although you guys make me
Want to curl up and die
The words you say wont mean
A thing.
So forever hold this peace
And stop being jerks.

Suicide.
So permanent.
So painful.

Do you have siblings?
If so,
Then let's imagine this,
One night,
Everything gets too much to bare,
Your head goes psychotic,
Your body goes numb,
You take that rope and hang yourself.
The next morning,
You're siblings run into your room,
Wanting to wake you up for breakfast,
When they see you hanging there,
Blue lips,
Cold body,
Dead eyes.
Their screams are piercing.
Then your mother comes running in,
Leaving the eggs to burn,
As she sees you hanging,
She screams as she unties the rope,
And you fall lifeless into her arms.
Her screams and tears.
Your siblings grow more and more each year.
Always haunted with the image of your body.
Your younger sister?
She has started to self harm and has landed herself in the hospital.
Your brother?
He tried shooting himself through the heart but missed by a centimeter.
Your mother?
She killed herself.
Leaving your siblings to the care of your father.

Do you live alone?
If so,
Let's imagine this,
You miss work for an entire week.
No call no show,
Which is totally out of character for you.
None of your family has heard from you.
You missed your weekly call with your mother.
Your best friend hasn't heard from you all week.
You missed your rent.
So your best friend (who has a key)
Enters your house/apartment,
And they see you laying on the bathroom floor,
In a week old puddle of blood,
Flies all over you,
Your body reeks of death,
The blade is laying right beside you on the floor.
Your best friend collapses,
Hand over mouth,
Loss of breath,
Unable to move.
They try calling 911,
But their hands are way to shaky.
So they scream as loud as possible,
While cradling your dead body.
And after a week of thinking it was their fault,
That they should've seen it,
That they could've done something,
They take a gun and pull the trigger.

An only child?
If so,
Let's imagine this,
Your parents are asleep,
Your dog is in your room,
But the dog is whining so loud,
Your mom tells your father to go check on the dog,
So he gets up,
Barely awake,
Locates the sound of the dog,
And opens your door,
Seeing your dead body.
His eyes go wide,
He screams for your mother to call an ambulance,
He grabs your body,
Cradling you,
Pushing the hair out of your face,
And telling himself that it was his fault.
That he was the reason for it all.
That he should've stopped it.
That he shouldn't have gone to sleep.
He starts drinking away his pain,
But he becomes an abusive drunk,
And starts beating your mother.
Until she files for divorce and split.
Your father ends up homeless and a drunk,
Your mother ends up dead in a year.

Are you being abused?
If so,
Let's imagine this,
Your abusers wind up finding you dead,
Not that big of a deal,
They knew it would happen,
But they didn't know that you could do something like this,
They end up charged with first degree manslaughter.
But that school you went to?
Yeah,
That person you played with at recess in elementary,
They knew about the abuse,
They knew about the depression,
And they blame themselves.
And then they end up self harming.
Until they end up accidentally killing themselves.
Your teachers?
Yeah,
Your favorite teacher that saw the bruises,
But did nothing about it,
Just got fired for slacking off.
And your other teachers?
They retired because they couldn't even look at where you used to sit,
Without breaking down,
They all cared.
That person who had a secret crush on you was heartbroken.
Your friends all cared.
Your teachers cared.

No matter what,
Everyone has a purpose.
No one deserves death.
No one desereves the pain of wanting to die,
Suicide stops your pain,
By transferring it to someone else.
It kills two people.

Whatever has torn up the room
has sat on your mother's
back breaking her

but you look the other way
too painful to see
what's already in your face
a lynching here a shooting there

It's not me you say
and shrug it all away
I didn't steal anybody you said
but tortured bodies wailed
underneath the crack
of your ancestor's whip
and still you reap from
the ghosts of yesterday

don't you hear them
the black lipped rage
that keeps yelling at you

but still you look the other way
and sip your latte
with a deafening smirk upon
your face as if you are not
one of us

human

This is not a plea for reparations
yet it would be a wise gesture
nor a begging for a hand out
yet it would serve you to be kinder

It may be futile to you
to look a black person in the eye
with the truth on your tongue
but if we can't save you
then maybe underneath it all
nobody could