I loved her.
Treating her criticism like law,
fixing every 'flaw'.
I grew in captivity --- fast.
Now all I can remember is the scars I've amassed.

It's funny you think heaven will let you in,
When all you've done is blame the sin,
Did He never say, "Love Thy Neighbor"?
I beg of you to do me one little favor.

Pull out your wholly rotten teeth,
Cut off your boot-licking tongue,
Cram your throat full with holy script,
And stitch up your quivering God-fearing lips.

Take just one swing, fellow sinner,
It'll just give me another good excuse,
With a few good kicks, I'll curb-stomp you,
Straight to Hell 'cause you burnt my fuse.

Pull out your wholly rotten teeth,
Cut off your boot-licking tongue,
Cram your throat full with holy script,
And stitch up your quivering God-fearing lips.

I don't fear your guns,
I just fear for you,
No, I don't fear your guns,
I'll count to three, we'll have some fun.

you caused this fire
with a dimpled smile and a plane ticket
can’t suffocate a blaze with a match
petrol running down my legs
wanna watch me burn at the stake?
7,000 miles of wildfires called me by your name

like a moth drawn to a flame
we kissed on the light up floor
your fingers inside of me, it was divine to me
surrendering my soul to my god
left my lipstick scars all over you

i ate the apple from the softness of your hand
our garden of eden was no holy land
i let you knock at the door of my spine
no malice in my voice, come inside
but baby, you weren’t expecting
me to multiply

like a moth drawn to a flame
i bit your tongue in the break of day
wanted to taste your blood for a change
nothing like a little emotional
devastation to get me through it

yell it más, señor
til your vocal cords are ******
oath taken in sacred silence
tragedy and insanity and is
it all a game to you?
because you hid while i sought
yell it más, señor
yell it más

and when i told you of the flower blossoming within
you cried like a boy for his mother
you see, there’s no way we can keep it
not for your career

and the next day on the 405
my soul wrung empty inside
suffocating loneliness, all-consuming
75mph, nearly opened my door
told my therapist i wanted the asphalt to eat me alive

they took me to the madhouse
while you had a pint and a laugh miles from my hospital bed
they said
“she wants to end her life with a baby inside, oh, what a terrible state she’s in”

the doctor watched me as i cried
with cigarette breath and roaming hands
forced the wand inside of me
at the same time i jumped over the ledge
and did you know i laid in silence
while he whispered in my ear

“good girl, it’s a girl”, you see, oh?
can’t you feel the joy?
of creating something like God herself?
like vines sprouting from the soil?
but Oceania, so much panic, yeah
too far, didn’t wanna come near
my ash-strewn wreckage

like a moth drawn to a flame
blazing light, burned just right
i wanted you to suffocate my pain
pretended it didn’t exist for our

transpacific love games
i’ll be Marilyn and you be Errol
the actor who can’t survive any longer
and the one who devoured a woman whole

yell it más, señor
oh god i’m bleeding on the bathroom floor
so much sacrifice for paradise
but isn’t this what it’s for?
tragedy and insanity and
oh no, it’s all a game, i see
yell it más, señor
yell it más

aliel
enaj
yell it

Only air separates the soles of my feet and the dirt on the ground.
Up and down
and up and down.
I feel weightless and light
and then sink with the heaviness of rushing back to the ground.

My eyes lock into yours.
I watch that as you go up
Earth catches me and drags me back to her.
When I go up
I feel nothing but the guilt of you being on the ground.

I have stopped pushing off.
My flight is dependent on how much you bend your knees.
But I am afraid if I get off, I will not be able to rise on my own.

So I cling on to the cold metal that connects us.
As I rise, I make my self heavy to sink back into the ground,
into my grave.

I hope for balance,
but until then its
Up and down
and up and down.

I don’t give my plants enough water.
I don’t give any to myself.
I don’t know how they’re all still alive.
I don’t know how to ask for help.

You always go and leave.
You never ask if I'm okay.
You just leave me to rot.
You let the bad habits stay.

I can’t seem to ever fill my cup
without your hands holding me up.

If I became your ex
What would you tell the world
Would you tell them a side of me that loved you
Would you tell them about the late night texts
Would you tell them about the 12 hour conversations that ended when the sun came up
Would you tell them about how I would pick you up, go on random trips
Hold you tight when fear was near
Wipe your tears
Trace all your scars
Would you tell them about the dreams I lost while trying to make your dream a reality
Would you tell them about the hours I worked just to get you the finest things
Would you tell them about the insecurity wall you helped me build over the years
Would you tell them about how toxic I became  
While your heart fed me poisoned love
Or would you tell them about an expectation you set so high, that no one could attain
Better yet to build your confidence would you  tell them how a terrible person I am  
but leave out the part in which you helped me become who I am

Let me save you the time
and just leave you with this

If you chose to love a past you couldn’t get past you shouldn’t of committed to making a worse past, a past that promoted demoralizing a broken  heart, a past that left scars a surgeon could close
Crying out for closure in a room full of hunted memories!

So please don’t read a book you not willing finish,
me and you are the authors to my insecurity