Close your eyes,
Open your mouth.
Count how many lies
Come spilling out.
You always said
I was more of a friend
But then I spoke the truth,
And you marked me as condemned.
I was never really your daughter,
You held my head under the water,
Got my soul ready for the slaughter,
Well, no, not tonight.
I just might
Have a little more fight,
A little more spite,
A little less bark
A little more bite.
You wonder why I'm this way?
So filled with pain, so filled with rage?
You took my childhood and you let it decay,
You took my pain and put it on a stage,
Taking my story
Away from me,
Twisting my tragedy
Into your comedy.
Listen to the howling wind,
Watch my light as it begins to dim,
As my breathing begins to thin.
You ripped me apart, limb from limb,
Left my pseudo-body dead and mostly skinned.
You never knew the truth,
It got taken from you
In your youth.
You never knew the truth,
It was ripped from your gums like a rotting tooth.
Mama, did you ever love me?
Did you ever love anybody?
Why did you leave me so bloodied?
Why must you muddy
Every chance you have
At helping anybody?
Father, did you ever care?
Was life always about
Earning more than your fair share?
Things only matter
If they play on your despair,
And I'm sorry, but that game gets us nowhere.
Was I ever more than a tool?
An object to be used?
A being to be abused?
I would be playing a fool
If my eyes held more fire
Than this calm cool.
It's hard to convince myself not to care,
Apparently it's just so unfair
That my heart is so threadbare,
That my nerves only know of scares,
But you never cared,
None of this was ever for my welfare.
You twisted me with your psychological warfare,
Bringing me to my knees
As I screamed
"No one should ever care!!"
But now my name is simply a prayer,
A prayer from your lips
That will fall into the cold,
And as your eyes grow old,
It will go unanswered.
The last thing you will hear
Will be the tapping steps
Of Death's dancer.
You show me your love
In such a delicate way
Then you ruin it all
Then you build it up again.
Cover my body,
You say without you
I'm nonsense, nobody.
I'd never been so much in love
I know now it'll last long
They say you're pretty tough
I say our love - it's strong
You show me your love
When I ask you to
You are unpredictable
My eden apple
Poisoning and punishing
But you're never vanishing
You're the last who stays
When all of them turn away
On my darkest days
you are the last out here
you punish but you never dissapear
i need you so much near
my baby, my dear...
I died watching the words leave her lips,
And mourned my loss with too many brown sips.
I died the day I moved out of state,
It was July 15th, I'll never forget that date.
I packed my bags, and left at One,
The only guide I had was the moon, not the sun.
I died the day I met the devil in class,
I should've known from her face she was less human than sass,
And I died the day I let her crash at my place,
And let her infect me with her fast pace.
I died the day I discovered my seedling,
Almost as fast as when I got my male sibling.
I died the day I went to the prison of one sided affection,
Living with that girl was like living with an infection.
I died the day she had delivered me our son,
Hung by the umbilical cord, I was no longer Juan.
I died the days I got home and things were worse,
Every car ride, a new hearse coming back from work.
I died when she left, but didn't when she tried returning,
Because then the fire in my soul did more than just some burning.
It grew, mutated and spread throughout my world,
Forced me to breathe, and open my eyes until I hurled,
Spit up the disease she infected my life with,
And decided from then on, it's me and my side kick.
I died the day I started having black outs,
And I died the day my "thoughts" began to shout.
I died the day I lost my best friend,
He was a good boy right up until the end.
I died the day I lost my dead end job,
And died the day I lost strength to sob.
I died the day my dad spoke to me all sideways,
And the reborn me immediately put him in his place.
I died the day I found my possible one match,
And I'll die the day she notices my scarred anxiety scratch.
I'll die the day my boy graduates from school,
And die the day I no longer feel that I can lose.
I'll die many times during my spiritual growth,
Cuz when I die, my current self becomes a ghost,
A phantom, spectre, or demon of my past,
That I reflect on with either anger, tears or laughs,
And learn from killing my old and different ways,
But look ahead to the future at unknown days.
I'll die the day my girl becomes my wife,
Honestly, I'll probably die many more times within this life.
But at the end when I'm on my deathbed and bleak,
I'll look back and think of it all like it's been a week.
Have you eaten?
I can tell when she asks me it grows from love
But I can't help but think otherwise as I curl her hair at midnight
Hugging me one last time before she goes off to meet the man who is made of shadows
I cannot save her
I cannot even save myself
I do sit ups as they lay asleep
I am bone and they are flesh
It's how it's always been
Hiding behind my skeleton while my friends pretend that nothing is wrong
Nothing is wrong
Nothing is wrong
How often do you cry at the dinner table?
Weeping over ever teaspoon of honey that falls down your throat
When will I realize that I cannot craft a new heart out of ash and longing?
I send myself mixed signals
Is the day a success if I eat something,
Or nothing at all?
What about one apple, two apples?
Am I any less alluring if you cannot see my collarbones stabbing through my neck?
A silent fist fight taking place upon my frail décolletage
Am I less interesting if you cannot see the world through the gap between my thighs?
If there is not even a sliver of space between them?
He can complain I do not eat
She can mother my heart into hunger
It seems to change nothing
Because they are not awake when I am awake
And they do not feel what I feel
An itching sensation in my stomach that causes my euphoria
A starving cry that echoes within my spine like church bells
There are wolves only I can hear
Howling symphonies of hunger and longing
They sing me lullabies as I lay awake
Horrified at the thought of having to explain to my childhood self that she would one day be afraid of her own reflection
He looked at me with disgust
I was surprised he had the guts
But in the midst of my tears
I was struck with a sudden realization, a question had appeared
Was he disgust with me become of who I am?
Because of the way I carry myself?
Or was he disgusted with the creation that was his?
Was he disgusted to think that I had a little bit of him, that we shared similar mannerisms?
thanks for being my friend
thanks for putting me on the back burner when someone else
thanks for turning people I want to be friends with away
thanks for never being there for me and then accusing me of
being selfish when I tried to tell you
thanks for being a really good actress when it came to you
feeling bad about anything that happened in my family
thanks for letting me do all the work on our projects while you
play a video game on my laptop
thanks for everything you did to me
thanks for making me stronger
thanks for making me realize
thanks for being an amazing friend
She is addicted to him.
He is addicted, too.
She sees herself as his herione, his nurse.
He sees her as gauze, wrapped over a needle mark
As she begs and weeps, "stop!"
She keeps him safe between shots
But she cannot keep him from shooting.
She stays by his side, as he delves deeper and deeper
Both into the darkness and into the flesh.
She offers him solace.
He takes it, then leaves her cold and broken.
He continues dying.
She continues crying.
Eventually pain became my friend.
An ally I could trust completely.
It would tell me when I was badly wounded.
But this friend became an addiction.
A toxic relationship with no escape.
And when my mind wandered off to other places,
trying to forget everything,
it would drag me back into reality with no mercy.
Scars can only heal if you leave them alone,
but this friend ripped them up every night.
I can’t lie and say it didn’t hurt,
but at least I knew I was still alive.