Evie 46m

if i want to have you and this moment forever
i have to either lose you
or kill us both

Before Bob bought Betty a bunch of butter,
Bob basically had a birthday blast.
Bob brought beer for everyone but her,
so Bob bought butter that would barely last.

But, whimsically, without warning,
the weather waited while being hot.
The wrapped butter was withering
whether they like it not.

So Bob solemnly said he’s sorry,
when Betty showed some sadness.
Bob stopped seeing silent Betty
as sorrow switched into sickness.

An old poem that I wrote as a test on how far I could go.

My throat is aching with the words I cannot fathom saying to you
My hands are shaking because I wanted to hold your hand so fucking badly
My eyes cannot see straight because all that I am seeing is you and your bright blue eyes
My heart is racing so fast and I cannot catch my breath because you are making me laugh too hard

And then I stop
And then I remember I am not the one
And then I remember there's a beauty at home waiting for you to text her goodnight
And then I think about how she went to sleep alone, and I got to have your attention to myself for once in seven years

My voice is shaky as I tell you about my family and hold back tears because things are getting just too damn personal
My skin feels hot as I sit there and wait for you to touch me back
My legs quiver a bit as I hike my dress up higher so you can see the black lace on my panties
My smile forms a smirk as I think about you actually taking the bait and grabbing my face tightly and kissing me

And then I stop
And then I remember "just friends" do not look at each other like that
And then I remember "just friends" do not touch each other that way after dark
And then I remember how you're going to break her heart the same way I broke yours seven years ago

I cheated on you and you cheated on her.

I can turn what happened into poetry
I can make what happened sound like this beautiful story
I can think about it and smile very fondly
I can write an exquisite story about our one night together
I can do all of that and I still can't make you love me

I’ve been feeding it in my head
Feeding the hunger of a man
A man with such thoughts:

Thought of being killed
Killed by his own hand

Thought of being hit
Hit by his own faults

Thought of being hated
Hated by his own lord

Thought of being dead
Dead by his own heart

And I’ve been hiding it beneath this
Hiding under the smile frown
And skin made of stone.

-n.y

I think I’m happy but never genuinely.

a child yearning for their parent’s touch, flinching at the grasp of anyone else’s

never introduced to kindness nor stability --- a child will seek comfort in forms outside human possibility

the bottom of a bottle, the inscription on a pill, the smoke of a substance

people never wanted a child and the child does not need people

personal

Got my hands tied
Ropes made of pride
Can't say how many times I've tried
No longer counting the lies
Every day, a little more dies
Of the girl who was inside
All my daydreams
That, used to seem
Like they were almost real
Like, I could almost feel
Another life begin
My losses into wins
But, everything I used to think was as it was-

Was just little man-made fairy dust.

And, I can't trust.....

What most people do.
Because, most people don't have a clue
About what's real.

Classics are classics for a reason.

To HER

Listen,don't talk,  just listen.
I'm not asking for an apology, just hear me and take what's given.

I always loved you, as a foolish child defended you. After everything you did and all they said, my trust broke   a love I outgrew.

All I wanted was to be with you in a home growing up. You kept promising and dragging us in all these crazy mixups.

I needed you to stand up for me and to protect me from all those men.  You  let it happen after I told you again and again.

  I cried for you, starved for you, and kept believing it would get better. You destroyed me and left me with  a love so bitter.

I was a child with a child and you left me to fend for myself. You gave me a choice and my love for you and my sister outweighed my own health.

Just listen, don't talk, just listen. I hope you can see all I have to withstand.

Hopeless
Depression
Restless
Aggression
Reckless
Self repression
Worthless
Obsession

I don't want your apology, just hear me. I don't need your love anymore I just want you to see.

You were my mom I wish you could see, see what you meant and what  you did to me.

Samuel 4d

My father, my father, my true father.
My father though not of flesh and blood,
Who guides me gently
Or sternly as needs be,
And who encourages me kindly
And so proudly.
How I love you, my father.

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