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I see you, you are
The lights that are
Making the earth see

And I, I've failed
To recognise the torch
That's inside of me

So please,
Please help me see
I can be better
Than present me
Ever thought I could be

Show me, we can break free
From the constraints of the ropes
That we once walked

Please help me see
That we're better
And that we're free
We've grown to believe

My pillow once grabbed me
By the hand
And I felt laden
Like a beach full of sand

Please make me see
Now I'm better
Than I thought I could be
I promise I'll grow

Please, Please
Make me see
That we're better
We've realised our dreams
'cause now I know
You're the light I reach for
Dear diary;
I am my one
and only enemy.
I am content
and depressed
about it all
at once.
If I don't return the call
it's because you never wanted to make it in the first place
and I know that

If you don't see me at the party
I didn't lose the invite
or forget the address
it's because you never wanted to invite me in the first place
and I know that

I have experience in staying in on Saturday nights
I have no problem with being alone
it's better than feeling alone in a crowd
that's what I tell myself
and I know that

But maybe if I would of returned the call
and went to the party
maybe the memories could of filled my head
instead of all of this noise
and I know that

I brush my hair and go to sleep
rejection looks a lot like looking in the mirror
sometimes you are your own worst reject
Anita 6d
Things I won’t:

Let myself go
Set myself free and wait to see if I’ll come back whole
Split wide open for you to slide into

Things I do:

Hold hands and wait for them to let go
Never drunkenly fornicate, hours late turn early mornings as we wait
Slip into you, mouth open, eyes shut, all facade
Pick away the pieces
From 13 March 2018.
Anita 6d
Exampli gratia:

Here, in the sun, looking straight forward over the green lawn onto the bacciferous frondescence
The space between the building where psychopathology was taught and the building where our intelligence was tested
– buildings made unsafe and marred and subjected to presence –
Here, I just am; there is no absence
As far as my eyes can see, the “where” is here and the “when” is now and I am alone, listening in to today

A bee flies by and draws my eye to the peripheral timescape
Inside the dark window to the left we sit in silence and wait for a pre-school class to walk past so we can continue a lesson that ended a year ago
Behind me looms the auditorium where we partook in curiosity
Beyond this greenth, you own the space
But on this bench, there is no absence
Here, I can breathe, lone as I am
A poem of finding spaces where the presence of one's past feels less vivid in its absence. 20 May 2020.
annabelle May 18
Like training wheels, first love is outgrown.
Coddled, unharmed, in charge.
Tears are shed for the loss of companionship,
not of the companion.
Rejection served alone is, while bitter, palatable.
Add a side of betrayal,
and wash it down with affable manipulation.
That is when the bile starts to rise.
Menial wounds of naivete mend
as experience requires more space inside.
The heart is given a backseat;
it is time to let survival drive.
No worse sensation exists than doing a trust fall
and crashing to the floor.
Than being told words,
but never given actions.
Emotional rock bottom was unplugging our string lights.
That's what I told myself,
until you died.
You deserve a small section.
Your confusion entertained my trauma brain
long enough for it to heal itself.
Thank you for not crossing a line.
Rushing, learning, holding, buzzing.
Settling into comfort and car seats.
"Have I told you today you're beautiful?"
Hello? Where are you?
"Sorry we have to do this on the phone."
It's my fault, I should know not to trust.
Nat Lipstadt May 16
man says, this life, for what, a thousand dry
holes drilled, wildcatting, a win-loss record,
that didn’t approach, come close, to breakeven,
not even an asterisk in the records kept

man says, this body, its rate of desolations
increasing, the goal line distance secretions,
decreasing, this broken runner, tackled from behind
by the past, as his future caught up with him

man says, goals, deadlines, hamstring him,
due dates, an invitation to a criminal activity,
rub, nobody wants to take it down, his record,
left behind, when they shut Rikers Island

man says, always poor at maths, a loser of words,
his parents, his children, all time despairing of him,
called the AAA to come, tow him away, but,
all the junkyards refused him entry

man says, what separates ought and nought,
a little letter, just an n, that screaming thought,
a little letter, insufficient to bridge a poem too far,
man digresses, the past is ever present, in every word

writ and forgot.
Big Virge May 16
Ya Know …
My Form of... " Spiritual "...
Is Really... Quite Simple...

Live In PEACE And KEEP Negativity...
Where It... NEEDS To Be... !!!

In A Place Where It's CHANNELED...
To... Wage War And Battle...
When I Hear... Tittle Tattle...
That's CLEARLY NOT Factual... !!!

So My Spiritual Dives...
Into Musical Vibes BOTH Day and Night...
It Also... ENLIGHTS'...
Via These Words That I Write... !!!

But Get Your Mind RIGHT... !!!
That's NOT Arrogance I TRY YES I TRY... !!!!
To KEEP Some Humility RIGHT BY My Side... !!!

Because Spiritually... Sometimes I'm Inclined...
To Be BRAGGADOCIOS In Words That I Write... !!!!!!!!!

See My Spirit Has Sides I'm TRYING To Find... !!!!!

That'll Help Me GROW Into Being MORE Wise... !!!
Like Guys Whose Vibe Rolls With Guidelines...
Like Letting Love SHINE And To Look For Good Times...
So That I Live My Life... In A Vein That DETAINS...

Letting PAIN RULE My Mind... !!!!!!

But Balance... DEFINED...
Means My Spirit Sometimes...
Let's ANGER... " PRESIDE "... !!!

When Speaking of CRIMES of Human Designs...
That PROVE That Their Spirits …
Are … DEAD To The LIVING... !!!

But LIVING... To The DEAD... !!!
YEAH... That's What I SAID... !!!

LIVING... To The DEAD... !!!

Spirits Whose Heads...
Are FAR From................ Level.............. !!!!!

Energies DISHEVELLED And Clinically MENTAL...
NO WORD Like DEVIL... Can Define Or Stencil... !!!!!

What THESE Spirits Are..... ?
That Move in... " THE DARK "... !?!

Their CALL YES... " HARKS "...
of... POISONED Hearts...
Who THINK They're SMART... !!!

UNTIL Their Spirit UPLIFTS Their Thinking...
To A Place Where... SINNING...
is Left To DIMINISH From Start To FINISH... !!!!

So That NEW Beginnings...
KEEP Balance Linking...
To Spirits Like Shippings...
Connected To Fishing..... !!!

As I Wrote THAT Line...
My Spirit Took FLIGHT..............

Cos' My Mind Went.... B   K....
Yup... Just Like THAT... !!!!!

But My Spirit Took OVER...
And Tapped Me On The Shoulder... !!!!!

... DEEP Inside My Mind...
For Me To FIND That Line... !!!

Shipping To Fishing...
Is That Lyric Now SINKING...........
DEEP Down In Your Thinking... ?!?

NO Di Caprio' Though... !!!
That's A Big Virge Quote... !!!

Make SURE That YOU KNOW...
Cos' My Spirit ALWAYS SHOWS...

.... IMPECCABLE Flows.... !!!

Whether Rhyme or Prose...
Cos' My Spirit EXPLODES...
Right From My Core Node... !!!

Or... Solar Plexus... !!!!!
STRONG Like... Lexus...
CONNECTED Like Nexus...

Because My Senses....
Go WAY BEYOND Endless... !!!!!!

So NOW You Can See...
That I'm Spiritually DEEP...

AWAKE Or Asleep...
Cos' My Spirit STILL Breathes...
Cos' It's.... PURE ENERGY.... !!!!

Well That's MY BELIEF..... !!!

It's Clearly What FEEDS …
My NEED To Drop Speech...
And Write Poetry That Hopefully Seeks...

To Do MORE Than Teach... !!!

It's Aim Is To REACH And TOUCH The Psyches...
of Peeps' In The STREETS And ALL Humanity.... !!!!

To LET GO of...
ALL of This INSANITY... !!!!!

That's On The INCREASE... !!!!!!!

MORE Balance And PEACE... !!!!!!!

Cos' It's Something That FEEDS...
... From WAY UP Above... !!!

So This Is My Ritual...

To USE What I Write...
To Connect To My...

..... " Spiritual ".....
It's a deep thing to me .........
Suka May 14
what went through your head that day?
you went out for a smoke,
i didn’t even hear you drive away..
i sat on the couch and i played on my phone
until you called and you told me
“hey baby, i’m not coming home”
my head started to spin
and the world faded away
couldn’t think, in a blink
wait, babe! what did you say?
no. no. NO! this isn’t right!
you said you needed a smoke break
you never said you’d need all night!
“can’t talk anymore, i’m about to lose you..”
and fear took over because i knew
the valley in the hills
where you were driving through
The Badlands
where our music never buffered and we’d swerve through the curves holding hands
and then the service cut out
my heart beat so fast i lost count
and when the call dropped
my heart did too
you were gone like that
i never had a clue

that was my last night with you
The Door is Still Open to My Heart
Dean Martin

1:11                                                                -1:44
a May 11
I can't wait
until looking in the mirror makes me smile
instead of cower away in shame
that my face
this vessel that carries me
gives me warmth
yet I hurt her so much
but she keeps me going
it's not fair that I treat her this way
but I can't bring myself to love her
and cherish her like I should

They said it would heal with time
but does time really heal?
or are they just trying to put a limit on how much I can wallow?
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