This isn't a poem that I could write easily.

It is but a reply to a kind girl I cherish. That I hope she never reads.

On awful days like this I think of you, though I shouldn't.
The spiteful guy who knows you betrayed him.
Should the book of life be written, I would argue it's pages to say you betrayed me.
Lo, the poison spreads.

I can't help that you are human.
That you were broken over and over again by your abusers.
And hate these arms of mine for being one of them.
Lo, the toxin wears.

I am a tired man who curses those to whom he protects.
When you smiled at me, I felt truly alive!
I have gone too long without that smile. It is kept from me and these loving eyes.

Because these eyes are killers eyes.
This heart, will rise again.
And my soul will corrupt.
The price I pay for being a big fat liar.

And the pain I feel for loving someone for whom it is impossible to love. One disgusting hopeless narcissist to another.

---------Thoughtful Strangers letter---------

If we meet, I'd like to watch the sunset with you. And call you a pathetic woman with no talent whatsoever at finding happiness. And a ***** who is so predictable, I could tell her future looking into dog **** rather than a crystal ball. That I actually wanted you to save me from the disgusting people I called family. And that unlike you, I was enlightened to understand just why I have to think through everything in front of me. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs like you because I don't have the luxury of serving my own purpose of self-satisfaction because this body won't let me. That you broke my heart when these, my only pair of eyes made you feel afraid when I looked at you in my most loving gaze.

Now I look into the mirror and see something disgusting that truly should not exist. So before I die, never feeling the touch of one who loves me. I hope you suffer. Just like I always knew you would and wanted you to. I hope you die ******. That horrible future I see is a lot kinder than the hell I've been confined too. Trapped like a cockroach. With a beautiful heart that poisons everything it touches. And hurts every time it remembers that he has no friends.

I can only hope it's easier not to care.

I

my friend
how has fear consumed my lungs
how i dare not open mouth
for i choke years worth of screams
how a body
became so moldable
so willing to feel hands
it just stopped
being
i was created on saturn's ring
my body constricted
my mind an obsession
breathing
living
meat
quickly rising
quickly falling

II

friend dare i say i miss you quite a bit
even though you called me a freak quite a lot
words that are like fists
become set in stone
your mind a raging ocean
and me a human
barely with my head above it.

III

i was once travelling
and on the bus a man was sleeping
and i started looking at man
and oh friend i was fascinated
how when he woke up
he rubbed his eyes
he drank some water
and i started crying
because how human of him
to be thirsty
and to rub the sleep of
and to sleep
i envied him
i wish i could sleep
for quite a while
maybe even forever
maybe... maybe i shoul..
wait where is it
i can't find my body
maybe i left it on that bus
or maybe it's in his house
or maybe it's still in school
maybe even with you friend
i shouldn't be so calm
i shouldn't panic
i hear your smile
''you truly don't care about anything''
where is my body
whereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybody
i hear your smile
''that's what happens when you design things too much''
friend please
stop
help me find it
find me

IV

i saw you in a dream
and you laughed like you were manic
and i naturally i laughed along
i noticed
you had fists for hands
knuckles white squeezing
i couldn't breathe suddenly
laughing turned to sobbing
your hands were red
blood so much blood
covering you
a hole in my shirt
my favorite shirt
heart was gone
you were gone too
screaming didn't help
waking up is not an option
i mean my heart i have to
i need to find it
what are they gonna say when they see the hole
so i run and i run and i see you
in different cheekbones
or brows
mostly eyes and noses
but it is never you
kidnappers are hard to find after the initial hours
and how long was it since i last felt a heartbeat
hours?
has it been months?
or even..years
i'm losing hope
there are still parts to be found
my body
my sick breathing clay
my body
i think it's finally time to

WAKE UP

V

let me look for you one last time.

... so many times.
so many opportunities, i let pass.
i say, i learned from my past,
but falling down the same hole,
do i ever learn, or do i just fail the same test?
i try. i try but why
do i... rush and develop an attraction
for another girl that i call my crush.
One, two, three people from my past, oh boy did it last?
no. but little by little did it break me.
so now i say i'm done until you came in.
afraid to face the truth
or maybe i'm just a fool.

hope your good at clues.
'cause whenever i see you,
my action tries to scream the news.
if only... it was that simple.
I then, would be brave and
nothing would hold me down.
but my feet, they're buried as if they're stuck on the ground.
so many times, i thought about
my lips meeting yours.
or if you're lips wanted to meet mine.
for the first time, i wanted you to try.
But at the same time, what if i face rejection,
only then will my heart, feel my past and cry.
This last year, i was marked with fear.
I hope you understand.
i want to hold your hand,
and if i do, there's no need to feel any shame.
if i tell you though, would you think of me the same?
with you, i can't make the first move.
i'm not like the others, i got respect
i don't like to invade.
i'm not sure how'd you feel and that's why i'm afraid.
since now you know,
i'll leave that up to you,

A long time ago I had many friends,
Had all I could ask for, but that didn’t last.
Elementary school was great, I was liked by most,
I had great marks, but this too wouldn’t last.

Grammar school came and my friends became fewer,
I got bullied at school and my grades became lower.
I was a mess, didn’t want to get up in the morning,
Every day I was sad, didn’t know what to do.

When we moved town, I also changed school,
It was a new start, but my confidence was gone.
I was an outsider, too shy to start conversations,
That’s why I made no friends and was painfully lonely.

One year it took me to finally speak up,
I made some friends in my class and was happy again.
Life was better, even though my marks were still bad.
I realized grammar school wouldn’t make me happy,
So I applied to a college and changed school yet again.

I started at college, by now much more confident,
I made a few friends, but sadly slowly lost my old.
I tried to hold contact, but they didn’t do the same.
I stopped by time and time again, but they almost never did.

Three years of college went by quickly,
I graduated as best in my class,
But education wasn’t over, I applied to a new school again.
My class was quite nice in the beginning, though they were older than me,
But soon I found out, that they spoke about me.
They talked behind my back, said many mean things,
They denied all of that, but I no longer believed it.
How will it turn out, will they ever stop?
I’ve been disappointed in life so many times,
But what can I do?

You ask yourself why I’m shy, why I don't trust easily.
It’s because of my past, 'cause I've been let down too often.

Council house dilapidated and brittle as the bones
     That inhabited it, invalid mother bedridden,drugdazed
With a prescription-based carnival skull and sore lungs
   sustained from years of cigarettes and TB.

In the night there was machine gun coughter, foxes
        howling frost -if you looked outside you could see them
stringing silver from their fangs on the street below-
   And I went downstairs to fix her some tea
          because for the first time in years she asked me

And the storm outside lifted the window to the edges
     of it's brims

And I felt a stinging ping as an ache
    Spread the crevice of my spine

And I thought 'is this it? is this the life I've instore?'
        and as it turns out,it was it.

                                        It is it.

I remember once lying on that cold kitchen floor
     after getting home from school
worried about something or another,
   biting my nails and dreaming a hundred million
Futures on the ceiling and wondering how they could ever

           Come true.