I just get so tired of all the lies
And the regret
Tired of all the tears that I've wept
Tired of being me but not being me all at the same time
Tired of feeling like I'm empty inside
Tired of being tired even though nothing changes overnight
It's been 18 years and I'm starting to lose this fight
So how can I get back to the times where it all made sense
And I'm no longer depressed or feel like I'm in somebody's else's head
How do I tell my parents that I live with this illness and although they can't see it
It's been apart of me for a while
How do I tell them that I'm ready to die at any given moment
And I've already written my letters goodbye over and over
Trying to get it just right?
And how do I tell my friends that I love them when I can't love myself
That they make me happy
But bring so much guilt
How do I tell them how I feel when I don't even know what this feeling is
I'm just TIRED all of the time
And when I'm not I think of why I shouldn't be happy
And why the worlds so fucked up
Or how things just aren't meant to be perfect
Just a little damaged but I'm completely fucked up
With no hope
And I don't know how to crawl out of this deep hole
I can't break the chains
Or move the hand from my mouth
I'm just stuck here like this
And it's been like that for a while
"Maybe I'm not cut out for this,"
I said, knowing he knew what I meant.
"I've never tried harder at anything else--"
His eyes were skeptical.
"Well, I mean, I'm trying, right?"
his eyes remained unsatisfied.
"It's better than you ever do,"
I showed my teeth
to his equal glare.
The boy in the mirror lifted a tired eyebrow
and laughed, in spite of himself.
"Have I made a habit of talking to myself?"
I asked, grinning.
"I listen better than anyone,"
Morn after morn, He awoke alone
And prayed for her return
Until the truth made itself known
That to have her heart, He'd have to learn
To gather up all of his strength
And fly away from here
To let love carry him any length
And not be driven by fear
If I stayed the same and did not move,
By the world I'd be left behind
I'd be static in my opinions and views
And be cast from others' minds
So I must evolve in my character
And the things I do and don't believe
Not so much to please another,
But in order to shape my higher self, and make that higher self, me
With this He made a promise, for today, and not tomorrow
To not be frightened by how the wind blew
To not be kept back by regret and sorrow
And so to his dreams, He flew
I sit on top of my rooftop,
eating honey and smelling flowers,
wishing on the stars and the
cracks in the pavement,
for a chance to become a bee.
if you want to give up, go ahead
I'll try to pick up the pieces as best that I can,
but just know I'll always put myself first,
besides of course
when I put you before everything else,
which will happen fairly often,
if not always
but other than 24/7-
it's all about me.
I know you are sick of my indecisiveness
and I know nobody thinks that I notice when I start to spin out of control but
I really can feel the difference.
in the same way,
I can tell what color a rose is by the way it smells
and the gender of the bee by the way it stings,
sometimes on my pessimistic days,
I can even tell if a rose is dead
by how bad the thorns makes me bleed,
there are talents behind this shaking knee
and inability to sleep,
ones you will never see.
If you are having a bad day,
i can try to help it turn around.
but just know once I start,
I'll never stop
I found victory today
And I wanted nothing more than to tell you
Let you know of my show
Falling to my face and feeling my feet touch my helmet
I had it
She was out
And I wanted nothing more than to hug you
See your smile
But it'll be slow
And I'm trying
More than I ever have
And maybe one day we'll finally find victory
Not in separate time
'Cause when I say, "Go to sleep,"
It means, "I love you."
Or when I tell you to eat,
That means, "Hey I care."
When you tell me that you love me,
I call you an idiot,
That's me saying it back but with the equivalence of stupidity.
You are the reason I stay awake at night and dream with my eyes open,
You are the stars in my dark sea that I have been constantly trying to drown myself in,
For Gods sake's,
My Planet Earth because what else is going to supply me the oxygen I need when my brain says,
You make me not want to die when all I could think of is dying cause you know,
You are my alarm clock to when I sleep in,
My everyday phone call,
My back up plan when my back up plan needs a back up plan.
There are a billion of people out here that could have chosen me to deal with but you,
You at least tolerate me.
Thank you for the tolerance, at least.
You made me feel worthless, weak, and alone.
Like the stings you strum you played me well, falling back into your dark spell. With the secrets, and the lies I found myself seeking shelter.
You never kept me safe, you just wanted to here, in complacency with you.
I'm trying really hard not to slip down that slope
I'm trying real hard just to cope
I'm trying real hard to distracte my mind
I'm trying real hard different views to find
I'm trying real hard to stop the dark emotions run
I'm trying real hard to find some sun
I'm trying real hard to deny the sorrow
I'm trying real hard to look forward to tomorrow
I'm trying, I'm not shirking
I'm trying, but it's not working
I'm trying, while my mind is swirling
I'm trying, while the black dog is searching
I'm trying, but I feel him lurking
It's a slow ride, down this slide
It's a slow ride, no where to hide
It's a slow ride, but still I'll collide
Look, you can see the dark side