No matter how hard I try
No rhyme comes out
No matter how loud I shout
No one hears my voice
10 times I changed my style
10 times I got rejected
There's no way to ease it
I lack of any personality
Have you seen someone fail
With everything and everyone?
Of course not, You haven't seen me
Have you ever seen someone
So ugly, but boringly average?
I would share a photo
But I don't want to disgust you
Did you ever meet someone
Who lies so well, he lies himself?
I came to believe that I'm shy
And not a fucking narcissist
What do you do
When you can't blame others anymore
When you can't blame your family
When you can't blame an illness
When you can't blame your society
When you can't blame god or what not
When the only one to blame
Is yourself - I - for everything
Everything that ever went wrong
In my pitiful life
Is only my fault
There's no illness
There's no bully
There's only one problem
I am the problem
How do we solve this one?
There's only one solution
the thing is
i'm not a sociopath
i don't hate you
i'm not angry
i'm not a lesbian
my parents never taught me
what a healthy relationship
should look like
because they don't know
and so i've only ever been
and i need you to understand
that i like you
i think you're cute
and the way your hair
complements your face
and oh my goodness
your laugh is
i could play for hours
and not get annoyed
but i know
that because i'm hurt
i might hurt you
the way i should
like you deserve
I etched patterns into a tree with a pocket knife that had a red plastic handle
Indentions such as these never stay
Yet eternally we press against the world
Hoping to make a mark that will shine in the daylight and glow in the dark
I'm a shriveled slice of the Americana pie
With my soul on a swivel and the devil in my eyes
Life was a son of a b!tch with fists that spat dirt when it spoke
And it ONLY screamed.
I'm somewhere between David Duchovny and Stephen King
And I'm trying to rip up manuscripts that I didn't write and I don't know who did.
Goodnight America. My patterns will explain my existence more than I ever could.
The source of
Pleasure and calmness!
I recall You!
In deep city noises
I request You!
In deep dark nights
I talk to You!
In a solitude
I smell You!
When I wander about
I have You!
When I need my Lord!
You are the answer!
Of unseen questions
You are the solution!
Of upcoming problems
O' my Lord!
As You are!
The source of
Pleasure and calmness
For the heart
That recalls You
With and within heartbeats.
Sometimes I wonder if I was drunk and in a room full of all the men I have loved
Who would I run to?
Would it be the first love?
The one who held my hand like it carried the world inside of it?
The one who kissed me closely in a stairwell?
The one who had the heart I broke into pieces?
Would it be the one that got away?
The one who made me feel wild and free and secure?
The one who always put me on the back burner but I wouldn't give up?
The one who broke my heart into pieces?
Would it be the one that was my almost lover?
The one who wanted all of me but not at the cost of a real relationship?
The one who drove me insane and made me feel like I was the problem?
The one who was my best friend in the whole fucking world?
Would it be the first real adult relationship?
The one who had a real job and real goals?
The one who took me on priceless excursions and showered me with gifts?
The one who told me I was too much of a stupid liberal city girl to be with him?
Or, would it be the one I thought was the love of my life?
The one who I spent most of my late youth with?
The one who had the family I loved and the laugh that brought me to my knees?
The one who told me I was too stagnate and was not willing to watch me grow into something spectacular?
So sometimes I wonder who I would run to
Who would I want to let in to break me again?
I do not know which hand I would run to hold, but I know any of those hands would be a mistake