I want to hurt myself or hurt anyone.
I think about chucking a hammer at someone's head
Or slitting someone's throat from behind
I think about jabbing a knife in my neck
Or crushing someone’s skull
I think about burning someone alive
Or poisoning them with bleach

They don't have to do anything to me
They don't have to say anything to me
They could do nice things for me
They could say nice things to me

And I just think about hurting them
Over and over I think about hurting them
and the thoughts get stronger
and it’s so hard to fight them

And I feel like I might go on a killing spree
And in the moment it feels so right
Like it’s what i’m supposed to do
A hunger pain I need to fill

With murder and blood and screaming
Their screams in my mind
Only make me laugh
It feels like my mind is possessed

These thoughts are all disturbed
Then they subside until it’s time
for them to come back again
And I’m always left feeling confused and frightened

It’s a struggle fighting these thoughts everyday
It’s a struggle “pretending” they aren’t there
It’s a struggle “lying” to everyone and myself
It’s a struggle hiding
It’s a struggle stuffing these sick thoughts
Back into my deranged brain
And no one can make it better
No arrangement of words makes a difference

I get tired trying to explain my suffering to the ignorant
But still I want them to know
And I don’t want to sugar coat the dark and ugly
Because my mind only forces me to hate them

I want to spit the gross truth in their faces
I want to smother their minds with demented thoughts
I want them to feel despair
I want them to suffer too

I want them to know, I want them to be scared
I want them to be uncomfortable
I want them to hurt
Then I wouldn't have to explain

Because I don’t need pity
Pity can’t fix me
Pity is useless
I need to write, I need to create, I need to express

I need to be able to speak about my demons
without someone judging me or being afraid of me
Or treating me as if i all I am is my thoughts
Because i’m more afraid then they are

I’m more terrified of my own thoughts
Especially when these thoughts don’t feel like my own
And If my thoughts are not my own, then whose are they?
I want these thoughts to go away

This isn't exactly a poem, but it's something I had to get out. My will is stronger than my thoughts and I have never hurt anyone. But I am diagnosed Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, and intrusive thoughts are very real and can be scary sometimes.
Sarah 3d

your grip was always cold and harsh,
it left bruises with colors of autumn leaves,
they were beautiful on my pale skin,
your eyes were enchanting,
a piercing blue that sparked like a faulty wire,
your ideas were wild,
as wild as your hair in the early morning,
as wild as your personality,
as wild as the look in your eyes when i mess up,
i know i have done something wrong,
but your love is warmth after you make me feel cold,
you tell me you love me,
your lips whisper promises i know you cant keep,
but you love me you say,
you say you mean it,
maybe that's why i stayed,
but your love was a lot to handle,
if the love you promised me was this damaging i wouldn't have stayed,
the pale technicolor bruises have spread,
my silence makes you happy,
that faulty wire that lit up with your passion is tied tight around my neck,
the blue color of your eyes has spread onto my skin,
i cant breathe,
untie the wire,
your wild ideas have gone too far this time,
i cant. breathe.

Written 9/18/17
Kierra 4d

Our love is deep as Death,
I can feel it in every breath.
The pain, the hurt, the tears
I could die with you for years.

A single kiss from your lips
is something so poisonous.
I'd take your heart from your chest
if it didn't mean eternal death.

Bleed with me,
With no shelther.
Feeling so tortured
has never been better.
We'll fear,
cry,
run,
die.
But at least
we'll be together.

Jobira 6d

The thunder days are closing in and
Undeniably, I am accompanying misery
for all the wrong reasons.
Assumptions subset in the mist of time,
Leaving no room to breathe,
which something that I need,
with all the fibers of my being.
Yet, the beating has not subsided and
The grip of reality is shocking,
with the lack of clarity,
just when something seems write,
it is the mentality that bothers me
for someone, to think of getting away with wrongs
when the burden of proof is irrefragably white.
Yes, the beginning is often misleading to believe
as the clues and evidences oftentimes
suppressed or disappear,
But, the glimpse of white sky
Is always over shadowing the black darkness
Even when the season is obviously wrong.


Written Date Unknown

Posted
@jobiranyc (9/15/2017)

A lost treasure from a dusty and newly discovered notebook, I am posting with few edits.

it's typical, she's what you expected.
childish and perplexed.
it wasn't bad timing or objected.
just feel like we weren't what we expected.

in astral suburbia
i live far from others
distanced
socially culturally
and separated by yards
which might as well be miles
or even parsecs
i do not know the others
though, i do see them
from "great" distances
close but far.
to me
they all look like mannequins
figuratively speaking
we wink, we wave, we smile;
very cordial to one another.
as i see them
through my neighbor lens
like pleasant stars
across manicured lawns
through fine polished glass,
though, they do not know me,
and just like me, i do not know them.
but i often wonder,
do they see me the same?
or maybe,
they're too busy hiding dead bodies
in the basement, maybe.
in astral suburbia, anything can happen.
(see: john wayne gacy)

Alan Smithee Sep 13

at funerals,
you say 'very sorry';
but you never ever,
for anything apologize.

Mister J Sep 11

I sit alone in front of the campfire,
My eyes glancing at the dancing flame
Imagining life without my only desire
And for my loss I'm the one to blame

In my slumber, I traveled back in time
Locked in a nightmare, I longed to escape
My mind haunted by the sound of the chime
And a cold chill grasps on to my nape

A Dream or Reality? I asked in despair,
Hoping that this is all in my head, all this fear
I just want this gone, I didn't even care
Just remove this curse in me that only I can hear

Moments of torture and hatred suddenly disappeared
In the back of my head I thought, a moment of peace
Yet the night grew darker, and my hope was shattered
A ghostly maiden from my past, weakened me with ease

Salvation was out of sight,
I choose to stay and fight,
Yet the shadows held me tight,
But no longer will I give in to fright

With all my strength I struggled to get free
And ran away from my haunting past
Insanely, I ran as my life flashed before me
And I was wondering, redemption at last?

I jumped towards the sky, pleading for it to take me
I felt invincible, untouchable, full of power and strength
And with one final battle cry, I plunged into the sea
At last, freedom came to me with one last breath

My life is an ocean, full of sadness and pain
Yet within its depths I found eternal peace
Within the underworld my soul sleeps and satisfaction I gained
As fast as the waves of the ocean, all my agony released

6 year old poem. An old piece. One of my first writes.
R Sep 9

blame no one
blame not
for no one did know who
and no one knew what
let's ask the blood on the floor
seek the final breath that was gasped
all did a thing
yet all did nothing
somehow, indeed
that was everything

yes, I slaughtered the body
who lies with blood
I was asked to do it
I was forced to do it
my deep condolences
with all of your losses

no, crying is not demanded
pretending is not needed
caring must be shown
to the living
because the dead
can never feel a thing

I think you already know the answer
but you will never know why
why the murderer of thee
is the murdered me

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