I'm just trying to live my life Like any other human being I get on the bus, sit on the guys side I go through my day-to-day
I get called down to the office I'm told I have to sit on the girls side because I'm in the system as a girl I tell him I'm not a girl and the heteronormative system is ridiculous I didn't do anything wrong and sit by myself anyways
He says he will see what he can do In the hallway not long after, after school ends, going down stairs I group of kids scream near my ears I mumble to myself and they touch my head
I said stop They didn't stop I turned around And for the first time in my life I lower myself to violence And punch one in the leg
I break down I'm lucky to work with such wonderful people in theatre I just want to live my life I just want to be left and not harassed
Im told I can sit on the boys side I have to sit alone I can only sit in the front or back I have to tell the stranger next to me he can't sit there
I want to tell him why I don't want to out myself I have to give up the ounce of validation of being treated like a normal guy on the bus by the other guys, who are unafraid to get in trouble for sitting with me cause they don't know what I am or care
I wish... I wish I was born right just like he and every other guy on the bus
But if I was I would not be me.
I could not understand my own struggles Or sympathize so much with others
I could not learn and adapt the way I do now Could not have taught myself to be brave in the same way I am
I could not have the experience of having kids with my spouse the way I want to
I would not have needed to stand up for my rights or that of others
I would not have addresssed my lack of understanding and my internalized transphobia
I am stronger for who and what I am. My gestalt. For learning to come to terms with the harsh truths of what I am to the world.
If that wish came true, I would not be me. I would not be Orion.
An improv prompt from my theatre teacher/director. My group decided to do a funny skit but I wanted to answer it in a heartfelt way on my own separately.
You say they didn't owe you anything But they owed you human decency Commitment or not, they owed respect to your dignity To feel hurt doesn't say anything of fragility It speaks of your strength to access vulnerability You are not naive for getting involved For trying to plant hope in a soul who had none Your sensitivity should not be a target for deceit I admire your boldness to share your beliefs To take your heart off the shelf where it had been healing To see the light that darkness works so hard concealing When you were younger you used to be so cautious Afraid to love in case that you lost it I'm glad you took the risk, though you feel exhausted I'm glad you freed your heart from the cage it was locked in But you used to have such high standards, I think you've forgotten That you deserve more than to be left feeling unwanted You fear that your expectation is unreachable But is it possible it exists, you've just yet to meet them Your fear to hope and your fear to be alone In a never ending struggle at each others' throats You've always worked for the things that you want Enjoyed the process of overcoming a difficult start In life and relationships always willing to work hard Don't be so addicted to the battle you seek war in your heart Being enticed by a challenge won't get you very far You're afraid if its too easy that it can't be trusted If you don't have to work for it, how do you know that you want it? But some things can't be won over, no matter how diligent No matter the age, the timing, or distance Your love can't be heard by someone who won't listen So you can keep on being afraid As long as you commit to always be brave And know that what you have to say is worth saying The love you have to give is worth all the waiting And will one day lead you to someone amazing