i am stuck in a world where the days repeat,
as the calendar looks back at me in deceit.
and even the sands of time look the same,
when the hands on the clock constantly change.

it felt like just yesterday when it was january,
when we made our hopes and wishes merrily.
blissfully naive on what was to come;
dreams, plans and lives having come undone.

alas, i am one of the fortunate ones,
allowed to continue with life since it's begun.
but in moments like this i feel really small,
confronted by life within these four walls.

i try my best to fill the silence,
while the world outside rings with sirens.
the pressure to be productive calls out in this commotion,
vacuum expanding till i'm near implosion.

and i feel guilty for feeling that way,
for there are people fighting through their days.
but i know their battles aren't mine to fight,
and till then i will focus on mine,
from within these four walls,
until there is light.

There was a time when she cared
To satisfy any need of yours, she was prepared
You gave her just enough to stay
And stay she did everyday
There was a glimmer of hope that she will receive love back
Every song related back to you, every soundtrack
One day, 3 am at night she laid there
Room dark, status of you being online a glare
She watched it switch offline, realising you never replied
Finally it ******* hit her that to be her lover you were never qualified
Males are only useful if they are fertile
Men are trash was not just a insta post, it became a lifestyle
If liking men was a choice
Trust me when i say i would have yeeted the boys.

The first time, at the age of four,
when I first peeked under my tongue
after brushing my teeth,
I got scared.
Frightened by the ugliness of it.
All the ruptured rivers of my veins and vessels,
the indefinite patterns of colonization of my cells;
a naked mannequin of the story I held inside.

It was as if someone had peeled the skin
off my tongue at my birth
and now all the prisoners were striving to escape.
It was as if someone had abducted the blanket
away, when I was sleeping
and now the monster under the bed was clawing its way out
asking if I needed a friend.

Scared that I would damage the fragile wires,
I carefully laid my tongue back in her cradle,
hoping that someday, the skin would be back.
That she had only walked around the corner of the alley
and she would be back.
That the vacancy in my heart did not mean she was gone,
she had only gone to the mall to grab some sweets
and she would be back.

Each day, I would steal a peep,
in belief that I might find her there.
Though foolish of me, sure, it was to hope.
Smart of me it was to stay away from despair.

I still get scared when I glance under my tongue.
But not because of the ugliness, no.
The darkness.
The darkness that, I know, flows beneath those streams.
The darkness that, I fear, resides behind my skin,
liking, biting and swallowing the hollow of my being.

I still shut my mouth as quick as I can,
sending my tongue back to sleep,
but not because I am afraid to cause damage, no.
The destruction.
The chaos.
All the words that hide inside my enigmatic brain.
All the demons that lurk around the shadows of my heart.

The beasts and ogres that I once crafted
out of the ashes of my soul.
They skulk in the void of my chest,
their laughs echoing around the abyss
where once cherished my being.
They drink and dance and gamble away all my life.
They joke and sing, and rob me of all my hope.

I still check the cave in my mouth,
day after day.
Not in hope of arrival of spring, no,
but in helplessness of my desperate desire.
In temptation to split open a vessel,
and watch all the nothingness,
flow out of my mouth into the inviting sink.
In temptation to ravage the last barrier into pieces
and feel all my creations drain out of my body.

In temptation to to see the corpse of my soul
sail away with the tides of my untiring blood.

--to be free.

We all felt like drowning once
Holding on to dear life
Against the current
Fighting,
I am drowning, right?
There's nothing to be happy about at all.
Then, what's this faint happiness I'm feeling?
All at once, gasping for air,
My lips tugged a smile.
In between swallowing water,
It's all going to end soon
You know I love you all, right?

Was I a madman?
No, I wasn't
I continued gasping for air
My lips tugged a smile.
In between swallowing water,
I saw the sunlit sky,
It's all going to end soon
You know I'll see you all soon, right?

I should’ve known how this would end
We played the part of distant friends
And I knew it’d hurt like a metal fist
A strong uppercut that almost missed
You should’ve seen my hand the other day
Shaking and trembling like a rusty train
When it comes and goes in a fiery blaze
Lungs burn, stomach turns, this must be fate
I’m calling around for a saving grace
And with two bruised knees, I’ll try to pray
What was that thing you said to my face?
Honey, you’ll find love, but not today
And I never wore a frown very well
But it’s been hard, if you couldn’t tell
It’s not even summer and I already fell
I’ll buy any hope that you try to sell

it's more than beauty
the sun that brings with her, life
the coffee is brewed, apples bruised
honey or marmalade
both heat on the cheek,
and through the seasons I lie

apiaries and aviaries
roses sprout to wilt
to pay their duties,
she brought me that bouquet,
I said i'd put it in a vase
while the constellations linger

6am now she will soar again
in enormous impossible colours
with fleeting secrets,
and all the beautiful places
I will never see have seen her grace,
through air pollution or aurora
she's filled with their pain, love
curtains have another side
the grass is green the sky is blue