i don't remember much about you
i grew to forget how your face looks
or what i was attractive to
i don't remember much about anything about sixth grade
i try to not remember anything about sixth grade
but i remember
december being colder because of you
crying on christmas because of you
my mom driving me to my first therapy season because of you
the heartbreak i caused because of you
the friends i lost because of you
the people i have hurt because of you
the hurt endured because of you
how everything hurts because of you
you don’t know the hurt
you never and will never know the hurt
you don’t even remember me
that is so unfair
you get to hurt and break and wreak me but
you get to forget me
forget how you touched me for the first time
forget how subtle you made it seem
forget how many times
forget how you took advantage of me
i wish i could forget that i loved you
i loved you
i once loved you
but how could that be
how could you love the person
who took advantage of you?
how could you be so naive?
how could you be so stupid?
but i was twelve
how couldn’t i have been that stupid and nieve when i was twelve
i wasn’t even educated on what they were doing until i was a month shy of thirteen
therefore a twelve-year-old couldn’t have gone through that
therefore it is not real
therefore i lied
and so you continue
i said stop
i said stop to you
i said i love you
but you should have of stopped.
you never stopped.
then when you finally left
you did not take every piece of her
you left her hands
on my body
in my mind
i was left with the mess you made
the mess of everything you never and will never know about
and everything i am stuck remembering
the night my parents found me
you will never know why i was absent
you will never know the pain you've caused
the mess you have made
but i cleaned it up
because the people who could have stopped it
decided it was not real
it was not real
i wish you were not real
i am angry about what you did
and how you don’t even remember sixth grade
and how i am stuck with the aftermath
days, months, years, after
i don’t remember who i once fell in love with
or what i was attractive to
but i remember your touch
and the anger
the long-winded depression,
the feeling of being useless
and the attempts,
and the pills,
and the scars,
but mostly, i wish i could remember you like the way you don’t remember the hurt, the break, and the wreckage you caused me.
- to you, in hopes you one day understand the pain i felt and the ghost that will never leave because of the sadness you have caused me
One time I wrote a poem about you and it went viral
Now 6,000 people know you treated me like I was garbage
Now 6,000 people know how you hurt me without using your hands
Now 6,000 people are aware that you damaged my mental health more than anyone else
Now 6,000 people know that you made me cry every single day
Now 6,000 people felt my pain through my words
Now 6,000 people get to know that you did not lay a hand on me but still left me abused and scarred
One time I wrote a poem about you and it was so well received
Now 6,000 people support my every day struggle to stay strong
Now 6,000 people have shown love to me even though they do not even know my last name
Now 6,000 people are there for me in ways you never were
Now 6,000 people are able to talk about how they felt the way I felt and never want to feel those aches again
Now 6,000 people may have the courage to battle a villain like you
Now 6,000 people may be able to stand up to severe abuse like I finally was able to
Our friend ship is a net.
once carefully woven tightly together
catching and collecting all that falls within.
but time has strained against the stings
fraying and snapping our life lines
the net is loosening and holes are forming
and things are falling through our withered gaps
words are spilled and lost, forever left unsaid
emotions are frayed and lines are crossed
never to be recovered.
this friendship is strained
under the weight of all it held
now as the stings are snapping
this relationship is sapping
and more and more is left unsaid
this leaves me with the ultimate dread,
that what once was, may soon be dead.
after all in the grand story of our lives
a strained friend ship could either be a comma,
or a permanent period in the end.
its up to you.
will you clutch these strained stings with me?
will you tie together the loose ends?
will you lie cheat and bleed with me?
will we ever remain friends?
Anxiety is not cute, and it is not fun
Anxiety is not something to make light of and to pretend you have for giggles
Anxiety is suffering
Anxiety is waking up at 3 in the morning because I am so sick to my stomach that it wakes me up for an hour
Anxiety is my skin breaking out in hives so severe that I break the skin and bruise and bleed because I am scratching so damn hard
Anxiety is when I try to sleep at midnight but am still awake at 5:30 in the morning and I still try to count down to the second exactly how much sleep I will get tonight
Anxiety is when I cannot bring myself to eat even though it has been 31 hours since my last meal
Anxiety is waking up in the middle of slumber because I thought of what I should have said in an argument four days prior
Anxiety is how it is noon and I cannot bring myself to get out of bed and make my day real
Anxiety is how I have made myself feel like I am going insane and I feel like my breaths are short and nothing feels real
Anxiety is how things do not go the exact way I planned them to and I sit there contemplating crying for the whole day
Anxiety is how I feel myself acting like I am crazy and I feel that I am not me and yet I cannot change the way I react
Stop trying to make anxiety cute
It is not romantic
It is not adorable
It is not fun
Anxiety is what prevents me from living a normal life
Anxiety is what drives me out of my mind
So here I am, in the future; everything is shiny
and the traffic is in the sky,
The revolution didn't come and now
the people with all the toys
dance on our memories and laugh.
The rest of us, shorn of our locks and
once mighty powers,
spend the rest of our days,
eyeless in Gaza,
grinding grain at the mill.
Yes, I have thought about the moon,
The way it shines only at night
The way it outshines the other stars
The way it gets its lights so bright
Yes I have thought about the sun,
And how it makes everyone see
And how it makes the flowers grow
And how it makes the children glee
Yes, I have thought about love and how the sun gives its light
To the moon who will always, shine so bright
Yes, I have thought about how the moon, does not give anything in return, to the sun
If you love someone, then don't be like the sun
If you are being loved then don't be like the moon
For true love is not one-sided, and both will give the same
For true love is not in vain, and it will heal the growing pain
And true love is not losing yourself for an unseen sacrifice
A broken and tattered heart would be its price
Sometimes I get drunk and remember the sound of his laughter
Remember the sound of my voice saying no
And his soft chuckle, like my safety wasn’t important
Like I wasn’t 14 and scared
Sometimes I get drunk and remember pushing him off me
Remember him climbing on me again
Holding me down
Sometimes I remember the feel of him inside me
No alcohol necessary, the pain just lingers
Lingers like his laugh does when I close my eyes
Lingers like the secrets trapped in my throat
I still haven’t told my mother how he hurt me
Still haven’t admitted to myself that I’m still afraid
Sometimes I get drunk just to get aloof enough to touch another person
I put all the bottles away
And I still hear the laughter
Really, we're the best. Untold power working together.
Never have we been more stronger. Fierce and true are our ideals.
Rather than tolerate our enemies, we kill them.
Or trap them. Make them our servants. That is our right.
Hail to our nation. It's the nation of gods.
Surely, there is no equal. We won't let one be.
Rivals shall be slain. Equality within ourselves alone.
Tolerance to our children. Children onto our nation.
Heed our call. Evil will be slain.
Don't believe their lies. Peace through force.
Lies are shown no mercy. Aid to no opponent.
Clear the world of deceit.
Everyone blind to the truth here,
Say it over and over again
I repeat to myself
In hopes I will heed my own warning
I tell myself to let go
But my heart is the one behind the reins
And it’s dragging me into the swamp
She wears a fake smile
Bearing her perfect white teeth
An illusion i'm only just starting to see past
Because reality is not as pretty as the pictures you paint
Or as your voice when you sing me lies
Ugly is my denial of reality that kept me coming back for more