I go out, for once.
You appear before me and reach instantly for my beloved treasure chest, but I am uncomfortable. No means no tonight, as does it every other night.
You do not step back.
Only the chairs' arms are willing to support me, so my own small hand reaches for your twelve o'clock and now it is you who must flee.
The candles' tongues lick you on your way out.
Explicit.
Are you happy now? Where's your horse and carriage babe?
By the way, you dropped your ******* shoe.
Goodnight.

You are dangerous
A weapon of destruction
A gun

And yet I still wish
To be your bullet
Your only one

I always feel two steps behind
No matter what the topic at hand
Even things I'm sure that I'm sure of
You can break down that certainty
Within seconds

Make me doubt the person
That I know myself to be
I dare you
Convince me that I am someone else
Because I'm stubborn until I'm afraid

Afraid to be laughed at
Afraid to be judged
Afraid to be made into a fool

So I take the initiative and laugh it off
Because declaring "I'm just an idiot",
"I don't know anything about anything"
Or simply keeping my mouth shut
Is far easier than hearing it elsewhere

Blue lips
Slow hips
Sway away, darling
I need to relax
But I more-so need
To express myself
To dress myself
With a smile
Fragrance myself
With positivity
Your passion within itself
Is my favourite scent
It is sweet
Like recognition
For who I am
But gentle
Like your touch
Like your art

Blue lips
Beautiful even when hurt
Soft even when bleeding
Swollen with effort
Stolen with a kiss
You touch my soul
With less fragility
You are rough
With your ideas
Your beautiful ideas
Share your ideology
With me, please
Spill your thoughts
Onto more than just paper
Pour yourself
Into my heart
As if you haven't already
Come back soon
I'll be here, waiting

Blue lips*
You must remember
That beauty comes
After pain...
You may go through a lot
But I see only more beauty
Within your bravery
I admire you
I desire you
For you are strong, darling
You are fierce
Pretty, simple, complicated,
Like a silver feather...
You just need to remember
That you will not be blue
Forever.

For him, it's either watch him fly sky-high or put him in the ground

I finally accelerate and you sense it, pulling back before I can try to satisfy this thirst

The plotting smile in your dark eyes is mischievously magnetic and I lunge forward to steal one last kiss

But one more is never enough, with you

And goodbyes are so hard even when our hello is still so fresh.

How am I expected to pass your heart over to summer?

Your lips, your hands, your salt? Who am I to just let them go?

We are two bodies, becoming one, irrespective of the distance between us

If I am, then we are. If we are, then I'm okay.

But darling,
He feels lust and calls it love
Plants a tree and calls it an orchard
Breaks a heart and calls it art
Swears that he will stay
and calls it the truth...
When he leaves you,
Tsunamis of tears will crash over your body
Simultaneously streaming from your soul
in waves even greater than his ego...
He could never have truly loved you, darling...
*Not in the way that I do.

Contradictory feelings...
The buzz is insane.
Squealing with excitement,
Although I feel ill.
You are extraordinary...
I want a closer look
I wish for better luck.
Come here, darling.
You don't have to
Hold your tongue...
I can busy it otherwise,
If you'd prefer.
I know I would.
We are so close
In distance,
But not quite there yet
Emotionally.
If I reached out to you,
Would you take my hand?
Take my hand,
Until you understand...

I fall down, it's no longer bright
Land in a black hole, without light
Oh wait, it's a brown hole tonight
I am falling into your brown eyes
I hope they're authentic, no disguise
Because you truly are a delight
"Oh hey, you look nice"
**** it, you stole my line
"So do you" I weakly reply
My heart thuds and you smile
You lean in, I feel your teasing bite
My tender lips, more than alright
Feel pure pleasure, without fright
There's only excitement, this time
Spare me the misery, my divine
All of the rules have been defied
It's possible that you liked it
But next time you'll deny it
You'll deny my lips with a sigh
I'll deny your denial, what a crime
Better luck next time.
You tasted of... Vanilla, am I right?
You really know how to kiss a guy
Made it feel like my time to shine
Made me feel like I was liked
Pulled my hair, oh, what a life
Held my hands, pulled me in tight
And then a cheeky kiss goodnight
I had to wait for so long... Why?
I guess we've both always been shy
I guess we've both been far behind
But I guess now we would be fine
To hang out, maybe once or twice
With only us, just you and I
That is, if you wouldn't mind
I mean, it's always worth a try
Until then, vanilla lips,
**Goodbye...

You are... Vinegar
Rather strong, for some
Not always in a good way
But I like you
I mean, I'm salt
I know that too much of me
Is just no good
But you and I, together
Oh, we are the dream team
For some, anyway
I wouldn't call us a cup of tea
In front of some friends
But I know that I love us
And maybe I don't want you
Every single time
But I will always come back
Because I need you
And we do make a good team
In the end

Pitter patter of miniature feet
Children are something that I want

I always have
And always will

But my own children aren't necessarily
Something that I can have

They are beautiful
And worthy of life
And as open-minded as I can be
I don't want to **** mine

But I will not have to pay
For surgery nor for drugs
So let me freeze my potentials
Let me remove my shallow caves

I do not need them anymore
Just like you don't need her

Love me love me love me
I am your child

I always have been
And always will be

I love you
So love my kids...
(However they arrive)
Because they will arrive...
And love you too

Fifty innocent deaths
Are fifty deaths too many
They prove that the world still

Is full of hatred
I have a right to hate it
Proof: This blood spill

And now there is a lack of blood
Yet we are not allowed donate ?
O positive and O negative, oh

Mainly, I am positive that
This needs to change
**I am so sorry, Orlando

Do your lips
Match your heart?
They're both red,
But different shades.
Does that mean
That they clash
With one another?
Or are they able
To embrace each other?
To embrace their differences?
Oh, what a wonderful collaboration
Of the soul...

Anytime you feel lonely
Beckon for me to come into your arms
Catch hold of my hand in the shadows, in the back row
Don't let go.
Every day is a new day
Feeling good
Good feeling
Happy... Almost.
I* don't want you to leave as well
Just stay, please...
Keep your fingers crossed
Love the way that your dark eyes shine so brightly
My heart races in your presence
No good can come from this
Only few understand.
Please hold on for a little longer
Quit with the teasing already
Ridiculous, our circumstances...
Slow down, I want to know more
Tell me your deepest secrets
Under the light of the moon.
Velvet blankets, picnic baskets
What's next?
Xoxo, your biggest fan
You never did understand my jokes
Zzzzzz, goodnight, day dreamer...
Now I know my ABCs,
Next time won't you comfort me?

You were losing your ****
Over some stupid homework
("No, not homework, study!
You need to study too!")

You were unaware
That I had been sulking
About a body
Not matching a mind

I was paralysed in my bed
And you were helpfully telling me
All about my laziness
All about my life
Or there lack of

Well, I haven't been motivated
To do much lately
Other than ransack my room
For possible compressors

But in the end
You only wanted
To compress my mind
My "mindset"

You say that you love me
And you believe yourself
But do I?
Oh, of course I do

But I can not tell you
How good it feels
To hear them say my name
And mean it

It rolls off of his tongue
Skips out of her lips
And I feel at peace
I feel at home

Funny how I feel the least at home
With family
But what's a family without love?
Unconditional love?

If you love me
Let me go
I promise that I will return
As long as you let me blossom

You see
You fell in love with a caterpillar
Mistook it for a worm
I'm tired of being so pink
It's time to set me free

Cacoons can not be paused
They're created with a purpose
I'm afraid that this time
The changes are irreversible

Yes, I am going to change
But when that butterfly appears
Before your tear-filled eyes
You must realise
That it's still me

I do not know how to feel,
I do not know how to function,
But at least I no-longer dream,
Of serious self-destruction.

I dream of living anxiety-free,
I dream of compassion, of care,
I dream of being able to breathe,
Without choking on fresh air.

Two burns, left wrist
Two more burns, left hand
Two fading slits, left ankle
Easier to deal with, to understand
These six scars...
They are the only ones that I have
Well, the only ones in your eyes
The only ones that were deliberate
Deliberate necessities
There is one on the right side
Of my nose too
But it was accidental
Nothing more than a childish
Slip of the foot
"Sorry, it was just a slip of the tongue"
I need you
I need more
Two more, in precision
(a double incision)
One on the right
And one on the left
"No cesarean for me, thanks"
No life coming out of this body
No matter how beautiful
I could have made you
I would have kept you safe
I promise
I won't let them hurt you
They'll understand
They have to
They have to
They have to
But that's what I thought before
And yet they still don't
Not today, not quite yet
But they have to
And I've been thinking
And drinking
And smoking
And toking
And I do not know
How far I will go
So cut me open
Take what I don't want
Because I do not want this
Remove my heart
You may as well
While you're in there
It's been aching so badly lately
And this is all that I want right now
They will let me do it
They have to
They have to
They have to
They will...
Won't they?
You can not see teardrops
Amongst raindrops
Can not distinguish between
The peaceful and the pained
And I fall, I fall hard
I crash and you feel me, you do
But rain is a friend
Rain is something that I can trust
Something that I can relate to, rely on
Too quiet to be seen as thunder
Too dull to be seen as lightning
Too transparent to be seen at all
From a distance...
You get used to rain after a while
We are known for our weather
(Rain rain go away)
Let the sun shine
So that I can become a rainbow
Cut me open and pull out my heart
Offer it to that planet's glorious rays
Look up at me
Not down on me
And tell me that I am beautiful
Tell me that I mean something
To you
That I mean anything
Because I am not mean
I mean
I love you
I love you
I love you
I try far too hard
You think that I don't try at all
But it's ******* hard
It's SO ******* hard
And I am trying my best
And I am transgender
I am the she / he / whatever
The it
I do not deserve you
But do I really deserve this?
I know that these are not raindrops
I can taste the salt, slowly rolling
And rolling down
And down my face
My tear-stained face
Please tell me that I am worthy
Please let me do this
Please, please, let me do this...
You have to
YOU HAVE TO
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
Save me
Fish me out of the ditch
Ditch me halfway through
My transition
LET ME TRANSITION
You have to
You have to
You have to
It hurts
It hurts so bad, oh God
And I'm not getting anything in return
So let me pain myself
Until I can breathe again
With a smile on my face
A smile that will not run in the rain
I am running through the rain
Running away from myself
I am falling, as rain falls on me
And I am crying
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
So let me do this
You have to.. You have.. You..
You will...
Won't you..?
Because I'm not alright
And I'm not okay
I am transparent, I am transitioning
I am transgender
Whether you like it
Or not.

My split surface
Your cracked skin
There's deep confusion
Without, within

Blurry views
Crawling clocks
Helping hands
Splashing rocks

Summer sadness
Sunshine blues
The buzz of drugs
The hum of you

Falling petals
Misty sigh
Unexpectedly happening
Before my eyes

Twirl, my princess
Spin around
Twenty fifteen
A friendship newfound

Gentle kisses
Midnight glow
Not the first
To let me know

Muddy puddles
My grey boundaries
I was out of line
Crossing out memories

My muffled moans
Your dimpled cheeks
Leave park benches lonely
For weeks and weeks

It feels different with her
Different with how she sees me
Because she... sees me,
She loves every part of me
That I want to love about myself
That I can acknowledge
As admirable traits to have
And she... admires me
And I admire her admiration
And I desire her love
She is so good
And I love every part of her
And she can't love herself
But maybe if she loves us
She can get there faster
And we try to move slowly
But my love for her,
It loves running races
And my heart races
When she moves with me
And we move with each other
And I love how we have moved since
And I loved how we moved before
But everything has led to this
Everything has led to us
And I love us
And I love every part of her
And she makes me
Feel like I am worth loving