It all made sense
I felt so safe
Now it’s a mess
And I’m so afraid

What’s happened to me who am I now
I used to smile wide now I all I do is look down
As the tears fall from my face
It’s hard to believe that I once had grace

But it’s true
The world did once make sense
I was relaxed and carefree
I wasn’t always so tense

My eyes were full of wonder
Open wide so I could see
The beauty I would ponder
My heart was full of glee

I’m not the girl that I was a time ago
I have changed a lot, I’m scared of what I don’t know
I don’t keep my eyes open
For fear of what I’ll see
I never view the world as golden
It’s all black as can be

What’s happened to me who am I now
I used to smile wide now all I do is look down
As the tears fall from my face
Because I’m so afraid

I opened my eyes for I thought I’d find
A world full of people who were righteous and kind
When instead I got tricked by those I loved most
I thought I knew them but now they’re just a ghost

I thought I was seeing the light in the dark
When really all I saw was what I wanted to be
I thought they were my saviour, my animals for their Ark
But they were only lying, my true saviour is me

But what’s there to save
Who am I now that all I am is afraid
What’s there to bring back
From the dark where so long in silence I sat

For if I’m looking to save who I used to be
I should give up now for I don’t have the key
To the coffin that she’s in, deep underground
Where she’s stiff and still, and never makes a sound

Who I used to be is gone and dead
So should I try to save the new me instead?
Is the new one a person who I want to save?
To save from the dark and a permanent grave?
For if the me that I used to be,
Is dead and gone how different must I be
And is different good, do I like who I am
Enough to try and fight away the dark land
And live with in light for the rest of my life?
I’m not really sure if that’s worth such a fight.

What’s happened to me who am I now
I used to smile wide now all I do is look down
As the tears fall from my face
All I can do now is sit and contemplate
The question of if and when
I will cry again and again
I will die. But if and when?

What happened to me
Who I am now
There is no more glee
All I do is look down
The world took my wonder
There’s nothing in my eye
I became a goner
And now I want to die

i used to be scared of people
scared of what they could accomplish
scared of what would happen if they forgot me
my mother forgot me “once”
she scared me with her armfuls of scars and screaming
i think i scared her with my sharpie-filled walls and notebooks
my brain surface to surface coated in horror
scared
i get scared by loud noises now
and i scare others when i make loud noises
i have become all the things that scare me
i now embody many of the things i hate
i scare myself
what i am capable of
is terrifying if i dwell on it too long
i suppose anything is if you think about it for long enough
oh no
i thought for too long
im scared of writing this

Helen and I always said
making love never used
the word ***, when you're
truly In love, that's what
you say Because of the
respect you have for your
partner not that I know
anything about one night
stands because Helen was
the only girl I ever slept
with and made love too
but I was raised by mother
who hated anything to with
what she would call *** the
the mere mention of It she'd
avoid, along with the child
the abuse I suffered made me
afraid of women Helen was
so different she help through
the awarkeness my clumsy love
making attempts, because
their where times as If
was mother standing watching
every move saying, Johnny,
you don't want that It's *****
It took a long time to get over
but ******* with the one
love Is beautiful nothing can
even come close that feeling
of being In love