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passions are crushed
and there feels to be nothing
that i can look towards that
holds any meaning

it starts in my chest
like all my insides
sliding through
me, turning
inside out, my
stomach feeling
as though it were
dropping through my
feet on one continuous
loop, with thousands of
tiny butterflies like the ones
you get when newly in love
but these ones have wings
dipped in poison so with
every flap of them waves
of nausea hit that makes
it hard to keep anything
down. this feels like hell.

there are worse hells i
know, but this one is
the one i am living,
having not a clue
how to live without
you in my life. this is
my greatest of fears come
true, but sometimes you are
left with no real decision, only
the less horrible of two situations,
the first seemingly intolerable, the
second most definitely so. and this
isn't hell, because although this
might be the worst i've ever
felt, i've been through more
than enough ups and downs
to know the resiliency of people,
all people, even me, that we can
adjust and adapt to just about anything.

so i have something that couldn't exist
in any sort of hell, i now have hope,
where with you i had none, not for
you, not for myself, and now there
is enough space for healing to get
inside, if not for you, then for me,
though i hope for the very best
for you as i always have, and
you don't realize how much
of a weight of pressing
despair even a thread
of hope can bear until
you are dangling from
it, maybe as vital a part
of human existence as
the adaptability, or
maybe hope and it
are really one and
the same?
hope, cling
to it like
a life raft, and
almost one more
day in, a day further
from knowing you, and
as sad as that is i know this
is the only way, with nothing
left to lose, and too much
still left in life to gain.
Yolanda 7d
In the morning the  sun gives farewell
to the moon and in the night time
the moon gives farewell
to the sun that's their routine.
Swati Oct 1
//Down the corridors of my mind
are many doors,
cast with shadows from the past,
with the fragrance of my favourite cologne lingering about.
A door down the corridors
opens to a room of wine stained sheets
from the day you left
and we bid the necessary tattooed goodbyes.
It's the door unopened since the last day,
And the other one by my side,
opens to walls full of
portraits of the past sins,
and the paintings of passion,
that was long gone before the last day.
These doors open to bring back bittersweet memories
of the days when I was in the throes of agony,
draping tangerine skies of vengeance on my shoulders,
carrying the weight of a long lost relation,
just so you won't have to.
Down the corridors of my mind
are many doors,
cast with shadows of the past,
of the days when I felt your cacophonic breath on me,
and now I shut these doors in the corridors of my mind,
everytime I feel your presence lingering around,
Just like the fragrance of my favourite cologne.//
~Swati
hello dear stranger of ghost town,
with good hair and tanned-skin,
i honestly thought i wouldn't able to like someone else
but i liked how you showed me the different hues of halo
and you saw my thunders and storms
you made me feel as if my scars are beautiful
i'm forever thankful for those late nights
morning talks and lil fights
for being a happiness in a short time

for making me feel emotions again,
you saw me in different phases like the moon
i am imperfect, and unstable
i still have those times where i feel every emotions
and it hurts so bad
but when i talk to you, when i hear your voice
i feel safe, i am at home,
you were my daisy at a lost place
and i adored you from afar

i still don't know why'd this have to end in silence,
when all i want is you, in every sunsets in every angers i've had
i would've stayed, but you left
i think this is goodbye?
and now all i have is  numb heart and memories.
i liked you, you were that first boy after the tragedy that i actually truly liked, but we became strangers again when we didn't even became close to lovers, it's okay, i'll be okay, i've missed you.
Void Aug 20
I can still see you everywhere I go
My memories paint your image clearly
Your voice still speaks to me, even in a crowded room
I'm the only one who hears it

You meant the world to me
You saved my life
You saved me from myself so many times
I miss you so painfully
It hurts to know you're missing at my side
Why’d it happen?
Why’d it happen so suddenly?
Why’d it seem like everything was fine?
Why’d it seem like you were gonna be okay?
Why’d it change so quickly?
Why’d it decide your time had come?
Why’d it decide it was time for you to go?
Why’d it not let you say goodbye to me?
Why’d it think you were supposed to leave?
Why’d it think you couldn’t write anymore?
Why’d it think you couldn’t cut paper hearts?
Why’d it think you couldn’t leave that room?
Why’d it make them think you had pneumonia?
Why’d it make you leave this world last week?
Why’d it decide you had to go so far away?
Why’d it make you leave without another word?
Why’d it make me excited for a letter I won’t get?
Why’d it make me think I would hear from you?
Why’d it make me think that you were okay?
Why’d it make me feel like you could get better?
Why’d it make me hope you would come back?
Why’d it make me wish you would be cured?
Why’d it make me see only the good in this?
Why’d it make me think you wouldn’t like this?
Why’d it give me this pressure in my chest bone?
Why’d it make me have to write all this out?
Why’d it think a poem would help me heal?
Why’d it think that grieving had to be like this?
Why’d it make me unable to shed a tear for you?
Why’d it make me have to ask these questions?
Why’d it take you away from me like this?
Why?
Why will I never have answers to my questions?
Why can I never see you in person again?
Why do I have to watch a video to hear you talk?
Why do I need pictures now to see your face?
Why do I feel sad when I hear Cher songs?
Why did we share that kind of connection?
Why couldn’t you just stay a while longer?
Why couldn’t you leave to get help sooner?
Why did you think nothing was wrong?
Why did you have to be forced to move away?
Why did you always see the good in everything?
Why did you always let me mess up your hair?
Why were you so patient and understanding?
Why did you watch YouTube videos with me?
Why did you agree to be in a video with me?
Why did you think everything I did was fun?
Why did I think everything we did was fun?
Why did I think messing with your hair was fun?
Why am I acting like I don’t know anything?
Why am I questioning why you did those things?
I know you loved watching videos with me.
I know you loved hearing me laugh all the time.
I know that you had gel that made your hair fun.
I know you enjoyed spending time with me.
I know you loved bringing a tote full of gifts.
I know you didn’t want to retire when you did.
I know you enjoyed your job and wanted to stay.
I know that life was very hard for you.
I know that you always put everyone before you.
I know you moved away because you had to.
I know you enjoyed writing letters with me.
I know you loved making those paper hearts.
I know you loved being my Grammie.
I know I loved having you be my Grammie.
I know I only had you in my life for 22 years.
I know my Dad & Uncle now have no parents.
I know you missed Grampie and Casey a lot.
I know Casey was an amazing & sweet dog.
I know Grampie was funny and your love.
I know you missed Casey, then lost Grampie.
I know you’ve missed other people for a while.
I know you fought for those last moments.
I know you thought you would be okay.
I know that you accepted it when it was time.
I know you weren’t in any pain when you left.
I just wish you didn’t have to die to feel at peace.
I just wish you didn’t have to disappear forever.
I just wish I had known that last letter was it.
I wish I had been able to say a real goodbye.
I don’t know what to do with all the letters now.
I don’t know how to move on with you leaving.
I don’t know why I don’t feel like crying.
I don’t know if it’s because emotions are hard.
I don’t know if it’s because Autism is hard.
I just know that I’m happy you’re happy now.
I’m happy you don’t need that tub anymore.
I’m happy you don’t need to worry anymore.
I’m happy I don’t need to worry anymore.
I’m happy that you’re with the people you love.
I’m happy that you are definitely up in the sky.
I’m happy that you’re an angel looking down.
I’m not be religious or like angels, but I love you.
I know that there is more to life than this one.
I know that this isn’t the only life we have.
I know that people are reborn all the time.
I know that we either do it quick, or wait.
I hope you don’t decide to wait for us.
I hope you go right to your new life.
I hope you get to come back however you want.
I hope you’re happy wherever you are now.
I hope I can someday listen to Cher happily.
I can listen now, but she reminds me of you.
I always said that she kinda looks like you.
I can’t thank you enough for making me a fan.
I can’t thank you enough for being here for me.
I hope you know that your love was felt by me.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t write to you more.
I’m just happy you still kept writing to me.
I want you to know that I read every letter.
I kept every single heart that you made for me.
I love how you started to make the envelopes.
I will keep you with me for the rest of my life.
I will never forget you.
I will love you forever and ever.
I will always be your “Sweetie”.
I love you, Grammie.
Goodbye.
I’m writing this because I’ve had a weird pressure in my chest bone. One that didn’t hurt, but wasn’t very comfortable either. I didn’t know what had caused it. And yesterday, I learned it was because I wasn’t letting myself grieve for my Grammie. I just don’t feel like crying, so I don’t know how else I’m supposed to grieve for her. But today, I thought that if I wrote this, I might feel better. I decided to write it in a poem, because I haven’t been on here in a while. I don’t know if any of you will even read this. If you do, and you’ve lost your grandparent, I’m so sorry. I hope remembering the good times will help you find peace in the sadness. Thanks for reading this if you did.
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