I've lied
but don't we all?

As we grow,
a part of us dies.

Like an onion skin
layers of lies envelop me
They said that I've changed,
yet I don't know which way

I've played pretend,
tried masks and
eventually forgot
which one was
truly mine.

“Gayle Gayle Gayle” he hums underneath his breath which makes his lips move a little “Gayle, who made me lemon cookies?”
“Us, lemon cookies Dylan she made us lemon cookies but you always ate them first which by the way she’s expecting a thank you note from.” my lips are curving upwards. He smiles back.
“Oh, does she now?” putting my glass next to the empty bowl of blueberries “Can I see Gayle sometime?” I start to blush. He wants to come back to my house. The house hasn’t changed. It stands tall but the roof shingles are battered upfront, the sliding now a faded brown. You can see it has aged, from a distance you can see it has aged, Gayle has aged. The entranceway still smells of soft lemon. Lemon cookies on her favorite plate I had made when I was yellow. Cheap ceramic covered in painted makeshift tulips. He would see my sneakers against the entrance door, the white couch in the living room which is too nice for our own good, our small table covered in fabric from Gayle’s sewing while she watches the picture of my mom in front of her. The lake still stands wide and dark blue. We used to swim. Life jackets and boating. Gayle’s lemon cookies and battered shingles.
“You can see Gayle, but only if there’s a thank you note.” my cheeks are flushed. He knows what he’s doing and it’s not fair. Gayle is going to see him. Lemon cookies for Dylan.

"God"

I begged

"Did I do your will?
Did I hurt him, did I hurt both of us needlessly?
What do I do?
Father, please help me.
I need to see what you see
Just a glimpse of what that may be
Of what I did, this choice which now defines me
I feel like I fell in an unending sea
Oh oh my father, it hurts what I did
I didn't make this choice to hurt him
I didn't want to hurt him
Never

Did I do what was right
Did I do your will
What you asked me to do"

Peace
Filling my trembling body
Peace
Calming my limbs
That long aching string between my head and heart loosens

My head, just now full of contradicting thoughts now sits quietly
Heart is soft too
Listening mildly

So when I answer the question my body is resolved
It hurts I said
That dull ache hits every time I think his name
I feel like he thinks I played a game
With his heart, but no, mine feels the same
Broken and lost, a little lame

I know it was right though the cracks are still there
The double thinking is almost too much to bear
We had uncovered who "we" were but he thinks I don't care when the truth is that I laid myself bare
When trouble came, to my knees I fell in prayer

I don't know why in the past it was right when now the answer is no
I just listen
God knows what is best
But it doesn't make it easy to follow

Head says yes, heart says no
Heart says yes, head says no

God said yes, now God says no
I listen to God, he knows where I'll go
He will make me strong so I will know
I will follow when he says so

My aunt asked how I felt
She asked after I broke up with him
I thought about it and sat there
Stumbling
Struggling to put my heavy thoughts into words

My head told me to do it
My head also spoke against the idea

My heart
The part of me which hurt the most
It said my choice was right
But screamed in pain
In the unbridled anguish of grief
Of loneliness
Of hurt

She asked if I still felt my choice was right
If I regretted it
Would I go back

Would I
If I could go back
Would I change this action
If I could go forward with him again
Would I...

Heart says yes
I hurt him
I could help
I could fix this

Fix what
Fix the temporary pain,
No,

Heart says no
This was right
This choice was right
It would not be good to go back now
Cause more pain, deter healing
What would it fix
Nothing

Head says yes
He was good to me
He loved me
I loved him
We were happy
Head says yes

Head says no
We had our differences
Our difference in religion
In region
I would have hurt him later
Our arrows didn't line up
I was fooling myself that they did
Blindly hoping to see change
Seeing change when none was there

With my head pulling my heart
Heart pulling my head
What was I to do but pray

I poured some coffee on the ground

It's now on my feet

I don't want to write this,
but I am
I don't know what to write,
but I am

I sat outside today
and I got bored,
so - I poured some coffee on the ground

I don't know what to make of life
but I am

The moon knows me a little too well,
My deepest darkest secrets she is aware,
But one day I have experienced pain like no other,
I lost someone I loved.

I grieved into her arms, her presence wasn’t enough, no words were enough,
I shouted at the moon, thinking that nobody and nothing would ever understand what I’m going through,
The moon is quiet, silent, just like every other night,
But without words, she showed me that the sun, her eternal lover, dies every single day just for her to shine brightly at night.
The moon taught me about her own pain, the sacrifices the sun and moon makes,
The moon taught me to forgive people who offer their comfort but don’t really know what I’m going through,
The moon taught me about loss, that even though missing that person who is gone will never stop hurting, they are still with us in our very own hearts.
And lastly, the moon taught me that it does indeed get better, that the people who love me are like her stars, they keep her company through the darkness, and that is okay.

Your silence holds me captive in an endless loop,
I spiral not knowing whether you're alive or dead,
Pondering aimlessly I drift solemnly,
Holding my wits I persist despite the confusion,
A wanderer amid lies I readily seek truth and salvation,
An escape from the turmoil,
A relief from the wordless.