No longer calmed,
My head keeps spinning.
A gun with no safety,
A blade with no hilt...
Tired of having to prove myself.
To whom? You?
No, to me... My worst enemy.
This isn't good enough,
That's never right.
Sometimes I want to scream!
And my tears... They never put up a fight.
The river of amnesia flows,
Passed the gums and down it goes.
Temporary relief from a pain so deep.
Like a thousand knives,
Beneath my skin, they seep.
Staring into the dirt,
My eyes lose focus...
All the tiny ants become clear.
This is what they do, year after year.
I'm apart of this cycle,
Nature and I.
And after this,
In an eternal Hell...
I'm sure I'll fry.
But... Not all is lost.
For, I lay on a throne of grass...
Little to no cost!
The only price I paid...
Was putting my feet on the ground,
And putting up with this... Joyful day.
The red flags she wore
Never hung this high before
what's the beauty of love
when it's the pain you endure
I ask why doesn't anyone love me
then what is love even to me
It takes people with issues to love hard
or maybe not at all
it's love & be loved
but love is nothing at all
but memories left a scarred
The scars yet a blueprint to my soul
The lowest of my lows
The torture I had to go
So I give my heart as a whole
or maybe it's all parts
how love still struggles to erupt from these scars
But how can I love you
when no one has loved me
& how can I love you
when I don't even know how to love me
is the love I even show you
just what love is to me?
because love is nothing but a devastating memory
so I apologize & warn you in advance
for all the misconceptions I come with at hand
Because the constant distress you see
followed by your unconditional company
is what love is to me
is it the sparkle in your eye?
was it the crinkle in your smile?
maybe it was the way your lips moved when you said my name.
or perhaps the soft warm touch of your petal smooth skin.
one of those things or perhaps the sum of them brought back feelings i had thought had been buried.
like spirits on a bewitched night, my feelings for you started to wake.
everything and nothing in me tried to hold it back.
you are something.
I started to think of something
but then nothing formulated .
I looked into the nothingness and decided to work with it ,
i found that within it there was something to say.
I found truth within it and i almost found myself
But i rejected to know what i was
for i too could be nothing within Nothing.
Have you ever felt lonely?
Even in the company of others?
It eats you up deep inside
No matter how hard you try
It keeps coming back to haunt you
Especially in the middle of the night
You try to find comfort
But never found such solitude
And it still causes you discomfort
To think that you are lonely
Although you were never alone
Though it feels like you are missing something?
I'm still confused with this feeling
I expected slow tenderness but,
like two cars in a rush to
get somewhere else,
our clumsy lips and tongues
for less than a minute.
Your crooked teeth bit at
I tried to mask with red lipstick, and
of your mouth and jeans
pressed against me,
but I didn't want this right away
and I should've told you
when you asked,
"So what do you want to do now?"
I wanted to lay with you and talk.
I wanted you to hold me.
We've got time.
Slow down, I'm new to this.
I should've told you.
But you guided my hand
and women on laptop screens guided
my body on auto-pilot.
It's right there, I can't say no.
I like you.
This is fine.
I lay next to you.
You hold me.
I finally got what I wanted.
It's two months later.
You tell me a hookup is going through the motions.
I like you. Why did it feel like that?
i do not understand
the male gender
one minute they offer you a ride home
the next minute
they repeatedly are throwing paper at your face
they boss you around
yet when you try to tell them what to do
they are insulted
yet i am still surprised when they do listen to me
without a word
do you like me?
do you even care about my existence?
or do you just want to play with me like a toy?