Just Jess 20h

If I tell you I love you,
Does that mean I get to keep you?
Or does it mean you are now the owner
Of a sharp piece of information
You may decide to stab me with later?
If you are
Ever so inclined
To tell me you love me back,
Does that mean you’re always going to feel that way,
Or is it conditional on the present moment
And you could possibly change your mind
Six months down the road
And return my heart - battered?
Furthermore,
What does love even mean?
Because when I say I love you,
I mean that I want to be with you until the day I die
And every day thereafter. (Not to be dramatic).
When I say I love you,
I mean that I will be a solid, yet cozy, foundation for you.
I mean that I want to cuddle and drink pero with you every night.
I mean that I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up next to you in the morning
Even though your hair may be parted down the middle.
I mean that every second, my mind is housing the thought of you
The thought, just an empty copy that my mind supplies in your absence.
I want the real you.
When I say I love you,
I mean that I like you. A lot. Always.
I mean that I will watch the World Series with you and your brother every year
(even though I've never before cared about the Red Sox)
I mean that I hope you’re having a great day
But I also mean that I miss you and that I hope you’re missing me as much as I'm missing you.
When I say I love you,
I mean the very thought of loving you makes me wish I never met you at all,
Because a world in which your eyes don’t smile at me is not a world,
But a nightmare
That sends my heart racing
Eyes crying
Heart bleeding
Soul dying. So
When I tell you I love you
Please.
Tell me you love me too.

The thought now harrow a my mind,
And in that happiness is hard to find.
For I have become invulnerable and numb,
And I'm not even sure what from.
I'm simply filled with ecstasy and dole,
Because I am just a body, living with no soul.

Lydia 3d

some days it's easy to feel good
like I'm starting fresh, starting over, starting a new
the feeling of freedom washes over me and I am born all over again
but just as quickly as those electric feelings start,
they end
and I am left with an emptiness in my stomach
an irreplaceable longing for love

when I start to think how I'm back to nothing
I swell up with panic and excitement all at once
like a whirlwind of emotion
wrecklessly tossed into one tiny person

I want to love myself more than anyone else
I give my all to others and never to me who deserves that kind of compassion also
so much so that I don't feel complete without belonging to someone

I forget that I wasn't always two people
I used to just be me
navigating my life on my own time
with no regard for anyone but myself
and I remember feeling so happy about that then
that I don't understand why I can't find that happiness in my solitude now

inside of me I have always carried all I ever needed
I have just forgotten how to pull out those pieces to put my heart back in place
.

Poetria 3d

divided,
undecided,
trying to hide it;
struggling.

indecisiveness is a curse in a world where you can either be one thing or the other
Elliot 4d

I promised myself
That I would never feel this way
That those emotions dear to me
I would never let decay
That all I held close
I would never lead astray
That those who I cared for
Would never lose their place
in my heart
In my life

I can’t remember

I don’t know what I did
I don’t know what they did
When did this become normal, again?

What did I feel like?

My heart beats for no purpose
Only for brighter days
That once were
That I can never return to
No future

Smiles for a while
Tears for a year

But no smiles spread across my face
No tears roll down my cheeks
Only a furrowed brow
And something missing
I don’t remember what

I knew I was happy once
How did I let it get like this?

I knew I was sad once
But my feelings never overflow
They barely even show

All these promises I’ve made to myself
All those years ago
Are broken
I can barely even remember them anymore
Why can’t I remember

I’m sorry
I’ve let you down
My better past
My shattered dreams
Their youthful eyes shone
Now blaring through me
I’ve failed you

Yet I feel nothing
Only a yearning

Will those feelings
Those memories
Come back?
I miss them

This is how it is now
Juin 4d

i am here, i am nowhere
i am here, still out there somewhere
i am here, somehow missing
i am here, always thinking
i am here, stuck with my thoughts
i am here, feeling lost
i am here, i am alone
i am here, i want to find my home

my first
Lucy 5d

I’m high then suddenly low
I wish to die before I grow old
Not wanting to burden the ones around me
Rather be sad and forever lonely
If that’s the case
I’m a waste of space
The constant disappointment in my mothers eyes
The slips of blatant lies  
Depressed feelings is what I’ve kept
I’m destroying myself until there’s nothing left
My stomach stays in knots
I’m a movie without a plot
I’m the tree without the branches
Was never gifted second chances
Made promises I was forced to keep
I’m only alive when I’m asleep
So these are my last words ever to be said
The secrets I place inside my head

I feel lost
I feel alone
Like I am standing in the middle of an intersection
With no idea of where to go
No knowledge of where I was going
Or where I came from
No street signs
No map
Confused
And lost
No way to tell
which way is home
A shot in the dark
is my only hope

Wondering...
I wonder if you're ignoring me...
Did I do something wrong?
Wondering...
Do you actually like me, the real me?
Did I say something wrong?
Wondering...
What if's cloud my mind...
What if it wasn't me you where into...
What if I read your messages wrong? Got the wrong memo?
What if I'm not good enough, to many problems, odd...
What if you never liked me to begin with?
What if... What if... What if...
What if I'm wrong?

Dovey 6d

I am disgusting now
My heart is a pulsating sore
Oozing pus into my veins from the inside out
And leaving me
Aimless and on edge


I can’t stop this feeling of
Wanting to tear apart everything and anything
-Especially my own skin-
Anything to get my lungs expanding at the normal capacity
And my adrenaline
to stop boiling up in my skull


My head hurts
My head hurts
My head hurts

I think I need a moment.
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