Inside I’m screaming
I can’t figure myself out
Maybe I’m dreaming
But I still have my doubts
I can’t describe my self destruction
Trying to run from self corruption
Are my thoughts all wrong
Am I weak or strong
Gotta fight, Gotta run
As I see my monsters come
Gotta learn to show discretion
In the art of self expression
Painting masks to fight the demons
Using art to show them reason
Scared that I might lose the fight
Scared that maybe I’m not right
I’m learning that procrastination
Leads me to self-deprecation
This wild chaotic thinking
Leads to unhealthy shrinking
And I try to fight the feeling
That really nothing is okay
But my life keeps on revealing
Problems just don’t go away

It's late April
The weather is more like fall though
Melting snow and dry foliage
Autumn reminds me of you

We celebrated Halloween together
Pumpkin farms and feeding goats
Themed parties that didn't go right
Streaming tears in your basement
And I knew exactly how to help you

Video games on cold nights in our onesies
You singing to me
Echoing across the practice room walls
Our song
It meant so much to you and I felt it too

Something changed when I fell in love
With someone else
I still loved you too though
You thought I had commitment issues
Maybe I do
Maybe I don't
I don't want to go there now

I still remember the good times we had
It hurts to think about them now
But whenever I'm in town
I hold my breathe because I'm scared to see you
I'm scared to look closer at our relationship
I panic when it smells like October
Because it reminds me of you
Of us
And I'm too scared to think about how that makes me feel

I can feel myself slipping again
And I'm so tempted
To let myself fall.

Jesus looks down on me
A tidal wave of hope
Crushed and smashed against the rocks
It drowns with everything else

Somehow I make it to the nearest town
Looking for shelter
I stumble upon familiar roads
See familiar faces
Faces that may haunt me forever

I climb up a lighthouse
It should be the key out of here
It should show me all my future
It should have helped me

Instead I only see the somber clouds
And mystic fog settle in
I can’t help but watch the water pull in and out again
Drifting back and forth
Moon playing tug-of-war

I can’t stand looking at the familiar view
The same thing over and over
So I must ask myself these questions again:

Do you know who you are?
Do you know where you are?
Do you know what has happened to you?

Jesus send me another wave
This time of peaceful realization
Don’t send me away

two lives
two moralities
two vices i can’t give up

two bottles
two pound entry
two am and i’m stumbling home

two bodies
two moans
two people trying to feel alive

too broken
too chaotic
too hard to make this choice

You were in my dreams last night
Where we met in a world that was combination of both of our own
You held my hand and pulled me close
Made me feel like I wasn't alone
Sitting in the restaurant booth and looking at you
I wanted to tell you everything
I wanted you to know all my truths
But for some reason I don't think I'll ever understand
I did not tell you a thing
But instead we sat in the booth just looking at each other smiling

Half of the world I’ve built is in ruins.
My sanctuary is damaged past repair.
How can such vibrant feelings,
Just disappear into thin air?
There is not a single light as I fall,
Spiraling into despair.

It’s not the world, the one that I’m standing on, that’s crumbling.
It’s the one that is keeping me standing that’s gone.

When you say you love me what do you mean?
Because the things you do to me seem to keep hurting me constantly.
When you say you love me what do you mean?
Does that mean for you to keep lying to me how can you say you love me when you keep doing the same things and nothing seems to change.
When you say you love me what do you mean?
When I find stuff under your car seat lets me know you're still messing around on me.
When you say you love me what do you mean?
Should I be blind and not see what kind of love you have for me?
But I can't be blind and I can see what kind of love you have for me, the kind of love that's going to keep hurting me the kind of love that's Unfaithful and untrue so how can you say you love me when none of it was true...