Reading Those stories..
Reading Those Lines with Heart and Mind…
Feeling those immense emotions…
Led me to a question…. Do I have a story!
Although a thought came saying “No”
Another Question popped up… Do I Have to have one!
A feeling came saying “ Is it Mandatory?” Do you need to please anyone or anything?
Something came and talked to me: Is it an Ego? Is it the box of “I am nothing”?… Is it the Box of “I Need to be seen”?
I don’t know!
So…Let me tell you the “No Story” of me!
The Journey of No change!
The Journey of becoming aware of my dark sides!
The Journey of waiting for someone to tell me “You are doing something!!.
“Coaching has saved you”!! with a smile and sadness i received this statement, knowing it is true!
What a waste!
It is Journey of Angry soul! Angry Words, Angry Breaths that burn this history under my name!
In My silence I build, waiting for that erupt to free me from those chains of……
“It should be right”
“It Should be Catchy”
“It should be perfect”
……And…
I still don’t know why?
It is A Journey of falling in love with “Profiling”!!
When Identity became not welcomed and preferred anymore!
When I resent every minute of my life of knowing nothing except losing things including myself!
We sowed a seed of friendship in the soil of our feelings.
It grew into a plant of love withering in the wind of your fears.
As days passed, it turned into a tree with fruits of betrayal and roots of doubts expanding deep into your heart.
You kissed me for one last time turning me into autumn leaves on a windy day.
I've never been one to rejoice deaths;
Tonight is different though
What a relief it is to finally realize
That my feelings for you
Are as dead as the affection you once had for me
You know I'm used to building up walls
Used to finding someone then I go taking the fall
I told you many times, "I'm fine, don't worry at all"
Nights I wanted to pick up my phone just to give you a call
Caring less and less around me, all my time has been around you
Let you inside my world when you told me not to
Told you many times that I got you
Ocean in your eyes, I've been lost at sea
Drowning in my thoughts, it used to be you and me
But I can't seem to find a single silver lining
I tell you I'm fine, but I'm lying
My heart can't wait for the right timing
Don't you get it?
There's a reason I met you, you don't think I get you?
You ask me why I'm trying so hard, because I think you're special
Embedded in my mind, it's only you and nobody else
Yet you said so many times, "There's somebody else"
But you still pick up my calls and you still reply to my texts
Told you "I love you" and that was a fucking mess
The cracks in your heart just look like mine
You and I were broken around the same time
Beautiful smile with all the pain in your eyes
You have a love so deep, you trust the wrong guys
And I understand it more than anyone
That for now you're not looking for a connection with anyone
But what if I told you I'm the better one?
Spilling all my heart and I'm going to let it run
My mind is saying leave you but my heart says no
You made your choice, but I can't seem to let this go
Thinking of your voice in a world so cold
I'm breaking down now but I won't let it show
And even if I may seem crazy it doesn't make this wrong
Wonder what if you're thinking "What's going on?"
I've been lost in my mind, but like always
I'll tell you nothing's wrong and everything's fine
What's the point of finding you, the one, if it was the wrong time?
breathing in and out
breathing in and out
so many words
the beginning and ending
of the worlds words
the eternal loop from
word to word and to
the sound of silence
the sound of silence that overlaps
a lot of beginnings and endings
of words words and again words
a lot of words and voices
a lot of talking, talking and talking
a lot of a lot of things
the sound of eyes closing
lids clashing, open and shut
open and shut, open and shut
foots hitting the ground
left and right, left foot coming after the right and the same over and over and over and over and over the
beginning of the breath that goes in
to the ending of an exhale, breathe out and in and out and in
wind over wind, that speaks and speaks and speaks to me
and at last the last clashing of the lids
eyes shut to blank silence a vision less vision in a tubular void
in the dark, and sound of silence
getting louder and louder and louder
it is never quiet in my mind and self that envies the ability of a needle in a clock
to move on second to second
and not dwell in the past
-Kaya
pain is eternal,
we only choose when to feel it
im glad i never kissed you
im glad we never had that moment
im glad nothing ever happened
i thought you were the one
and we shared so many memories
but what was it for
we grew up together
and confided in each other
we helped each other
and said we would always be there
wow how much we've changed
you decide to come up with made up conclusions
about thoughts and ideas you think i have
and i decided to not put up with shit i don't need
I'm through helping you
since you no longer help me
since you no longer care
and no longer keep me in mind
you wouldn't believe the things I've said about you
that make you seem like a god
that would make your confidence and ego beam
but thats all changed now
now you're ignorant
now you're cynical
now you're a narcissist
now you're so far removed from the world
why couldn't you see what you had
right under your nose
and inside the deep valves of your heart
because i know you loved me
I'm happy its done though
i don't want that negativity anymore
i want someone who makes me shine
and i finally found him
he makes me thankful you're no longer in my life
that you're done with
and that i decided to move on
because now i can be who i am
you made me mad
angry
cry
and scared
the man of my dreams now makes me happy
feel respected
feel confident
and he makes me be myself around him
we have disagreements
yes
but they never end in a fight
just a simple lesson of communication and compromise
thats something you could never do
it was always your way or no way
you were controlling
just like my father
i couldn't handle you
i never tried to change you
i only tried to understand
and now i understand completely
you are not the one after all
and i don't know if you were
at some point or another
but i know you are no longer for me
but i wish you well
and hope you find someone
just like i have
because i think you will feel how i feel now
its always my fault
with my face full of makeup
bare skin showing
my tight clothing
my "female" attitude
was i drinking?
what was i wearing?
well how much makeup did i have on?
did i give him false intentions?
maybe i shouldn't go out at night
except
i wasn't drinking
i was fully clothed
i had little makeup on
i had a boyfriend
and it was in the middle of the day
but
even if i was drinking
even if i was wearing a short skirt with a small top
even if i had a lot of makeup on
even if i was flirtatious
and even if it was at night
it wasn't my fault
i said no
i said stop
i cried
i trembled
i went to a clinic
and the police were notified
but i was the one questioned
like i was the one who decided this
like i wanted this
"it's a man's nature"
no it is not.
i am so sick of hearing that.
my boyfriend
is the sweetest
most caring
affectionate
human i know.
he loves me for me
he respects me
and i know he would never hurt me.
it is not in his nature to assault someone
so stop telling me
it's a "man's nature"
no it fucking isn't.
and it was not my fault either.
it was his.
i said no.
what is there not to understand
about the word
"no"
people always tell me the police care
i have never laughed so hard in my life
no they don't
they care about protecting reputations
rather than saving the hurt
we're in a world
a society
where protecting the boys
is more important
than helping the girls
and i am here to tell any victims
whether you are a male or female
that it is not your fault
ever.
what a fucked up thing this world really is.
As the familiar feeling
i've been having for too long
keeps me again company
my chest hurts
my stomach aches
and burns
and crumbles down.
And tears fall down my face
and i don't know why
i don't know why and i can't stop
And my vision's as blurry as my mind.
And i am scared it'll never stop
and i can't talk
and my words slowly die
burying themselves
in the back of my aching throat
And i just want to throw up but issues
stop me from doing so.
Once again
my breaths get lost in my lungs
as my fingers keep moving
to try and stop this pain
that will never go down.