I spend months
Silently admiring her
All from a distance

I finally see my chance
And so, I take it
And insist this

"We should be friends"

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She welcomes me
Casually, into her life

We talk a lot and
She remembers, but
It is no longer night

And so, I let it end

Hopeful fingers reaching out
Searching for more than we need
Greed exists within us all
Without denial, without a doubt
Hope, hope, hope...
Right beneath the surface

I cannot feel for you in moderation
All of me desires you
And I can feel the guilt already
Just thinking about everything
That I would discard for you
Or put on hold for you
Because you are worth it all
There's so much beauty in the world
Yet you have all of it
In my eyes, God your eyes
Your waist, your hands...
And it's hard feeling such extremes
Because when life's bad, it's bad
But with you
It's just so good

Your ocean's waves wash confusion up onto my shore. I lap you up eagerly, without hesitation, but quickly become seasick.

The lust for an aid to quench my thirst has led me to such disparity. Who would've thought that I'd be poisoned by one of my own kind?

A swarm of emotions comes buzzing towards me and I have no clue how to feel. Is this even real? I find hallucination to be one of the finest forms of hope. It is the true personification of mind games.

Saltwater, saltwater, steer clear of me... I am quite damaged, but plan on soon mending. Stranded and alone, you would've thought that I'd be elsewhere by now.

Well, the truth is, that I have nowhere else to go... No one else to go to... So, I sit here and remain one with this confusion.

It is the most loyal company that I've had the fortune of owning, in all my years of experience, my tears of impatience, my fears of temptations...

I'm doing well! I still exist, at least. Perhaps I will have a different outlook next year, but for now, my survival is going according to plan.

I must remember to thank you for that, for it was you who led me here in the first place... It was you who taught me how to swim... And it was you who kept me afloat.

I guess that 'love' isn't always flawless and simple but, nonetheless, it is pure

The 'love' was there and ultimately she's made me happier than before

I go to a party.
You ask to come along.
You join us, you make a mess, we leave and then return...
I try to help.
I always try to help.
I have to take you home, in the end.
You apologise profusely, but I deny your apologies.
I am happy to help.
I feel useful, for once.
Comforting friends is one of the few ways in which I manage to feel useful.
You get home safe.
I'm relieved.
But then she saddens...
She tries to laugh it off, as she says that she's not okay.
As soon as I let her know that it's okay to not be okay, she loses it.
I hold her.
I hold her so tightly.
I rub her arm and pull her body closer to mine.
She feels warm, but I can only imagine how cold she is on the inside.
I make an attempt, but I have no clue how to cheer her up.
If I'm honest, I don't think that she needs to be cheered up at all.
She needs to feel this pain.
She is so incredibly strong and I know that she should let herself feel it.
She needs to accept that it's over.
He's gone.
It's terrible, but he's ******* gone.
"It's sore, it's so sore," she tells me, through her sobs...
I pull her closer still.
I won't ever let her feel this hurt again.
I love her.
More and more friends gather around us and they all love her as much as I do.
As much as he should.
That ******* ****.
We cheer her up, temporarily, and she moves back onto the dancefloor.
They all dance and I go for some air.
They tell me that I am a man in their eyes.
I thank them, and I mean it, yet I can't help but feel sort of off...
I cherish their words, of course, but it shouldn't have to be like this.
I need a distraction.
Whether it be blood trickling down my arm, or smoke filling up my lungs, I want to **** it.
I want to **** this dysphoria.
This feeling of being wrong.
I'd love to feel right, for a change.
Why am I such an outcast?
I don't stand out, because no one sees me, but I definitely don't fit in...
I just want to be myself, inside and out, but I don't have the consent to do so.
They should've realised by now that this is what I need.
I need help.
I need more than just beautiful friends and family and alcohol and pain...
I need reassignment, not just reformation.
I need medical help, not just therapeutical.
I need love, not just care.
Love...
True love.
Sure, the thought counts, but I am in need of one ******* gesture.
One in particular.
I need it to be consensual.
You give me consent to kiss you.
I argue.
YOU DON'T WANT ME.
But you swear that you do.
"I don't want you to feel things," you admit, with tears flooding down your face.
Well, neither do I!
But I can't ******* help it.
I should really sleep, but now I need to feel things.
Something.
Anything.
Even if it is just the tears that I'm crying.
At least it's something.
But sometimes nothing is better than something.
I think we both need to remember that.
So forget your apologies.
I apologise.
I can't feel anything anymore...
I just want to feel euphoria.

His smile captivates me...
It's been so long
Since I've felt pure joy
But when I hear him laugh,
When he pulls me closer,
Something inside of me
Clicks into place

I know that I love him
It's obvious to anyone
With functional eyeballs...
He creeps into my mind,
Crawls over my heart,
Again and again
And teases me to surrender

His hands, his mouth,
His gentle tools of expression...
We make love,
And it really is love,
And I am content

Life still gets rough
And I still break down
But he is there for me
Waiting, always,
On the other side
Like he has been
This whole time

He is important
We are important
And, although he blinds me,
I can see clearer than before
And I see the truth

He makes me blush,
Turns my cheeks pink,
He knows just what to say
When I get stuck
And I will love him
Until fate decides
Otherwise...

Flash flash
Surround me with your body, your soul
Let's rest here, right here
Tell me more
My lips are sealed, I swear
Only you have the power
To unlock my lips
To unlock my mind
You amaze me
You are a maze to me
I simply can not figure you out
I don't get it
I don't get you
But I still love this
I really, really do
It's casual
Perhaps not quite so mutual
But so what!
I'm happy, you're happy
We're not hurting anyone
(No one important anyway)
We try and we succeed
Well, I'd consider this a success
But that's just me
You're so ******* beautiful
I love your lips
I love your lips so much
Let's just stay here
I love here so much
Spending time with you
Spending time outside
If only we could run
Then we'd be okay
We'd both be okay
But I guess for now we shall survive
And survival is key
Let's just let go
I guess I do like you
But I know that I must love you
As a friend, above all
Only I adore your passionate lips
I mean come on
I really want you
We really need to figure this out
I need to figure you out
I will figure you out...
Eventually.

One minute we were sitting down
The next our bodies were entwined
I rested my head on your chest
And I listened to your heartbeat

It was so fast...
And, in that moment,
I wanted to kiss you
I probably should have

But I thought that you didn't
Until you kissed my cheek
And my head spun and I blushed
And I didn't know what it meant

You said that you like what I don't
About myself, about my body
Complimenting my love handles
As you handled them yourself

You stroked my hair, gently
Exploring my broken body's pathway
But I overthought the situation
Concluding that it was platonic

Alas, looking back on it now
I was somewhat mistaken
I misread your not-so-subtlety
Even when you kissed my raw neck

I jumped away and told you off
I had to explain it all to you
I'd forgotten that you don't know me
As well as the others

But you are learning with every
Hold of my hand, stroke of my hair
You don't know what I did last week
And yet, I like it that way

You don't have to know it all
You'll know me in time, if you please
You tell me that I have soft lips
"So I've been told," I laugh it off

I don't often kiss bearded folk
But your moustache is not harsh
We joke about it further
And I kiss you again, goodbye

And I will not apologise

And then
The young boy
Pushed through
And he fell
And he tumbled
But, somehow,
Managed to land
Higher than
He was before

He was sat upon
His own shoulders
Seemingly broader, now
And he grinned
Victoriously
About the man
That he would become
In the years
To come

Meeting friendly people, in knowing
That friendship was never an option here
Slow journeys, with heavy eyelids
Wondering when home will return
For home is not a location
But a mere fly on the wall