Tell me,
How many sips does it take,
How many puffs does it take,
How many pills does it take,
How many sniffs does it take,
How many needles does it take,
To feel the way I do?
Alec 2d
I stare out the window of my usual spot
Sitting here at jack, thinking for naught
In about two years i will have graduated.
Excluded from this world with which i have Become infatuated.

It’ll all be over.
And these are the best years of your life
What will i say i did, or learned?
How many important things will come to mind?

I sit Here alone now.
Suddenly feeling so alone
Both at school and home.
What happened to the dramatic final bow?

Will i feel This alone the rest of my life?
Will it ever change
Or will it always stay the same.
I feel Like I’ve been stabbed with a knife.

My future that I’ve looked forward to for so long
Only a trace, a taste, the rest is gone.
Time seems to move too fast.
Or maybe I’m just stuck in a trance.

16 years come and gone.
To do it all over again, my soul yearns and longs.
But i can Only admit I’ve done this to myself
My hiding away on the high up shelf.

I left When i got Attached,
Being able to stay is something I lack.
So yes i am Alone,
Both at school and at home.

But I’ve brought this upon myself
So I’ll deal with this hell in and of itself.
I’m stoned in a California basement. The hot, stale, air circulates through a table fan. The world melts away.

I’m left with just my thoughts.
Usually I’d be freaking out right about now,
But the fly on my guacamole is whispering the secrets to the universe. I listen to him hum, he says that I’m doing fine. That just because I faced this blunt to myself doesn’t mean I have to have a bad time.

He’s right. Usually I’d ruin it by getting existential.

As I draw deeper into my own self I understand Plato’s perfect forms theory and collective consciousness. Or whatever.

I giggle at my small hands.
“Was I always this small?”
“Yeah. Since day one. A premature baby who’s lungs could have given out any moment.”
“Huh. Wild.”
“It takes a lot to be alive, I guess.”
“Oh hey,

That’s kind of deep.”
autumn //
tight shoes that aren't yet worn in
make blisters on feet,
not used to the worker bees’ drone
from schedule to class.  
new backpacks of
store-bought cloth and cheap plastic,
and pages of textbooks
that are shiny and unbent,
smell like underpaid teachings
and overfunded education.
double-check, re-check, redo.

winter //
frigid snowflakes fall on noses
as the light of a yellow school bus
comes into sight,
just over the horizon of the sleek ice
one slides down to meet their stop.
scuffed shoes are worn through the soles,
letting a familiar dampness
numb cold feet.
school knits the everyday habit
sweater-like and comfortable.

spring //
finals finally making the finale
for the end of the school year,
frantic students
pulling teeth and hair and all-nighters.
backpacks become lighter
as the end approaches
to grant sweet relief,
but the pit under ribs
make stomachs heavier
with tar and dread.
like biology scribbled
into a math notebook.

summer //
hot, humid days are followed
by only slightly cooler nights,
with melting ice cream
after midnight trips to the ATM.
the smell of fresh cut grass
tangles hair while mimicking
a dog's lull of leaning
outside of car windows.
chlorine and tanned skin
burn reminders of our world
in the span of three months
and the forgetfulness of last year.
Amanda 3d
I never knew what pain was
Until I felt the sting of withdrawal
That's the kind of hurt that can cause
The strongest toughest man to fall

That's why I would do anything
Just to taste another hit
That is the biggest reason why
It's impossible to quit

I know that it's pure evil
It's poison but it brings me peace
Causes so many problems
But damn I love that sweet release

I spend all the money I have
On a vice that I despise
This love-hate relationship
Will surely be my demise

Too broke to go to rehab
Or support this habit
If I knew what would help
I would reach out and grab it

I become lost and hopeless
I want so badly to heal
But I'm always trapped by
This sickness that I feel

I used to look into mirrors
And see a smile there
Hating my reflection has
Replaced my smile with a glare

Is there any way to change?
Or is it already too late?
The worst part of this gutter?
I created my own fate

If I could go back in time
And do things right instead of wrong
I would never let this
Awful drug string me along

Heroin, you've got me
Im addicted, bound to your high
But I swear I am trying with
all my strength to say goodbye
This was written 1/14/17 over a year ago but reading it takes me back to the way I felt when I wrote it. I remember exactly how trapped and powerless I felt, not even recognizing the person staring back from the mirror, not caring about myself enough to look after my body, whether I lived or died didn't matter at all, I was just going through each day barely hanging on to the few threads of goodness I had left in my life. I am so much happier now and reading this makes me even more confident in my decision to never touch that disgusting poison again. This is my motivation. I don't ever want to be that girl again, I was a hollow empty shell of the real person I have now become and I have so many things that are fulfilling in ways that drugs will never be!
Amanda 3d
For you i have to be strong and I try
I am hoping it will be enough
It's challenging to be the rock when
I am fragile, and you are tough

Inside you have a softer side
Only to the deserving you show
The sensitivity you carry
To most you keep it hidden below

Your love is a flame burning strong
When you are close I feel the heat
Radiate from under your skin, I am
drawn to the chemicals you secrete

My ultimate goal is to make you proud
A new motivation starkly wakes
To ignite the fuse leading to your heart
I hope a spark is all it takes

I want to be the one to unlock
The part of yourself you thought you had lost
I'm determined to make you believe
In true love again at any cost

Underneath I see a gentle soul
On cruise control, barely sliding by
I can tell life has stolen much from you
So you escape by getting high

This hill we are tumbling down is steep
My plans somehow keep falling through
I apologize for empty vows
I promise I'll straighten up for you
I know you need me right now and I swear I'm trying but I've never been good at holding a relationship down. I am not an anchor, I couldn't weigh down a bouy. But I know I can be better i will prove it to you, for us.
Drowning in a muddy mind,
So high in the sky;
That I could feel the clouds.

Spinning around,
Feeling like I could take on the world.
Grinning like a mad dog,
Will I inject another shot of Mr. Cloud Nine.

He takes my hand and spins me around,
We're moving to the beat, doing the tango.

He promise sweet nothings,
Makes me feel a sense of alive,
I feel so empowered with him by my side.

He offers me his cigar,
I take it knowing I'm already too far gone,
Mr. Cloud Nine is my sweetheart,
He promises to never let me go.
jas 5d
the rush of the music blaring from the speakers
waves traveling through the air and down my spine
giving me goose bumps as the build of the sound intensifies
feeling it inside me
hold my breath for just a second
releasing into a pure joyous dance
my body in sync with the rhythm of the beat
peace of mind within harmony
music is another art I indulge in next to writing.
where melody
juice harp
in Neshaminy
boom cyclone
was brewed
Rotation Nation
in winter
of fun
when hops
were bitter
but their
sweet ass
in creek
run their
back yard
gain outside
the mall.
Eagles & Skins
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