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Moni 12m
I am the memories that haunt me
The demons that hold me down
And paralyze me with fear,
The ones that remind me not to trust
The ones i hold dear.

Sometimes I wish to forget it all,
Running away,
Numbing the regrets,
Pretending not to feel myself being pulled into the abyss.

I am the memories that haunt me
I can feel it in my body
The aches and the terror,
The screams,
The cries
And the pleading.
I can still hear you, mom,
See the way I imagined you cowered in fear.

I am the memories that haunt me,
The spectator that was too scared
To speak,
Wishing nothing more than for it to be over.

I wish i had screamed and cried,
Pleaded for it to stop
But I was far too young,
Far too weak,
So I decided to surrender my voice,
Surrender my way of being
Because i am the memories that haunt me.
Moni 2d
I once held a pill
In the palm of my hands
And watched as it grew.
It had an intoxicating glow
That was too good
Not to be true.

I let go of my future,
Let go of the past
Until my gasps for air
Grew into screams
Too loud to hear
For the human ear.

My mind grew into
Never ending fear
Of the pill that grew
In the palm of my hand

I lived in the shadows
Of my own mind
Because i was a afraid
Of the darkness that grew
With the pill i held in my palm.
Bathed in trauma, poured on you,
Blindly making excuses, I didn't have a clue,
Unintended harm was not my aim,
I swear, from my heart, that's the truth I claim.

Just give me a chance to prove I can change,
Don't turn away, let's break this estrange,
I've learned my lessons, I'm ready to grow,
I can transform, this I truly know.

Lost in the past, flipping photo albums' pages,
Seeking smiles, wondering through the ages,
But now I see the present with fresh eyes,
Fixing what's wrong, no more disguise.

A shared prison, unaware we both dwelled,
Failed to communicate, the stories we withheld,
I tried to speak of demons deep within,
Unaware they held me tight, drowning in their sin.

I plead for a chance, believe I can mend,
Break free from the covers, where the pain won't extend,
Yesterday's weight won't hold us down,
Together we'll rise, wearing courage as our crown.

Glimpsing photos, memories of distant travels,
Questioning why joy seemed to unravel,
But it's not about them, or what they comprehend,
Finding my worth, letting my true self ascend.

Losing my muse, an ache deep within,
Placing you on a pedestal, where love had once been,
Our best memories like a festival's delight,
But I clung too tightly, clouding our sight.

Hurting you, hurting myself, a tangled mess,
I thought I suffered more, but it was just a guess,
Overloaded with clichés, patched on our dark days,
Unaware I was the setup, before the closing phrase.

Keep donning your cape socks, a symbol of strength,
In the end, you shaped me, helping me find my true length
Maybe to learn to let go, you have to be left alone, even if you kick and scream when they leave.
Hello Daisies May 21
I had a dream
It's coming back in flashes
Making me cry
Making me wonder why

We were crayons
We were being used
By someone else
Acting out a scene
A broken romance scene
Of us
But everyone around
Was tired
Of us
I was blue wrapper
I was attached to you
You were red
You made me feel

I wouldn't
I wouldn't
Let go
I was blue
Attached to you
You were red
You were

We were crayons
I think
Because of how childish
I was
To ever believe
Ever believe
I could trust anyone

I could ever trust
With my innocence
We were crayons
In my mind
To represent
The childish fun
We had
The innocence
Of my mind
Thinking you'd never
Leave me behind

It's flashing
I'm blue
Still attached to you
Still attached
You do
I'm wrapped
My whole life

Like a broken crayon
All my friends up
And ran
I have nobody
Like I used to be
A sad child
Crying out
For sincerity
Always blue
Leached onto
You took it all
I'm still wrapped
Around your burning
I never fell
I still cling

To everything
I'm missing
You stole it
You broke it

I'm just the wrapper
Trying to cling
To anything
nobody wants
Just the wrapper
They want the color
They want to smother
Their paper
In red
And leave the blue
The darkest of blues
To stew
Like the ocean
So much blue
so quiet
All alone

Always trying
To swim
My way
Back to you

the flashing
We had
I'm flashing
In my mind
Always still
Attached to
Hello Daisies May 21
I can feel it
I can breathe it
You're right there
We're right there
In that moment
At that concert
Breathing that air
I can feel it
I can see it
I'm there
I'm there
The trumpets playing
The music swaying
I'm there
I'm there
You're there
You're there

I can feel it
I can see it
I can breathe it
That moment
I'm there
We're outside
The gas station
I give you a stare
I remember it
I'm there
Telling myself
You're forever
I feel it
In my heart
It's so *******

You're my muse
You're my pain
I forget sometimes
How sick I really am
Til I let you in
I purposely let you
I let it in with a grin
The pain
The strain
I can feel my heart actually
Crawl into a ball
As I remember it all
As if I was there
Like I almost enjoy it
You were the most real thing
I ever felt
It was amazing
Now it's
In every way

You're my muse
You're my cue
To the deepest
Darkest parts
Of living
I can feel you
In my heart
Falling apart
Have you ever
Cried so hard
You puked
Have you ever felt so hard
You were in that scene
Reliving it all
With that friend
By the size
Of pain
Terrorized by
The love
Of pain
How I love
To regain

I'm sick
I'm sick
It's a conflict
I hate it
I hate it
Yet I relive it
With the sound of trumpets
I let it in
I let it win
You're my muse
You're my cue
To hurt

Is it really my fault
Can I really ask for help
How can I ever begin to explain
When I can relive the pain
Because the air outside
Reminds me of you
The air outside
The way it breathes against my skin
The way the warm meets the cold
The way the lights shimmer
The way
It hits my face
The warm yet brisk night
Against the light
Reminds me of you
Standing there
Running to me
Looking across at me
Standing next to me
In that line
On that late night
Excited for the concert
Eager for the moment
I'm there
I'm there
You're right there
In that warm air
Forgetting my keys from the car
Looking at the building from afar
I'm there I'm there
I can feel you in my air
Every sound
Every move
Every breathe
Every word spoken
Is mute
Yet I can feel
What I felt
It makes my stomach
It makes my stomach
It makes me yearn
For something
A fix
For more
So I go to score
I put the trumpets back on
listen to that song
Now I'm really there
And you are everywhere
The real world is gone
I don't care
Because I'm there
I'm there
With you
I want to puke
From the pain
So let me regain
My thoughts
Let me go deeper
Into the pain

The air
The way the lights glow
In the night
That makes it feel
As if not real
All the memories flood
At once
With you
In this weather tonight
I can't begin
To get better
If I can relive
Your every letter
From the air
On a random
Summer night
It's not fair
It's not fair

I know I'm sick
But how can I begin
To get better
When I want to die
From the pain
But I love to relive
The pain
At the same time
All because of one trumpet
One beautiful night

How can I
Tell me
Why I'm there
Right now
Right now
With you
Let me out
Or don't
Idk anymore

I do know
You're there
And you're smiling
But here I am
I'm crying
It's not
Alex May 10
Dear Dad,
That’s all I ever wanted you to be. A dad, my dad. I didn’t expect you to be a great dad, or even a good dad, but you never made any attempt to be anything close to a dad at all. You did try to be other things to me though. A dictator, a manipulator, even a ****** partner. You may say that I wanted it, you might even actually believe that, but I assure you that my compliance was not an indication of my enjoyment. Compliance was simply the only option you gave me. I saw the way you looked at me long before you ever put your hands on me, but you waited. You waited until you’d pushed me to the brink of insanity. You made me question my reality so much that I’d believe anything you told me. Then on top of that, you found a way to make everyone in our family question every word that I ever uttered in preparation for the day that I’d tell them what you’d done because you knew that eventually, I would. You planned out every piece of what you did so perfectly. Even after I’d come out with the truth you made sure that the walls around me crumbled before yours did. All I ever wanted was for you to be my dad, but you couldn’t even give me that.
Alaska May 8
my lips
sewed together
with perfectly stitched thread
through thin needle holes

the wounds
still wounds
not healed
over the years

the daily torture
of wanting to speak
but not being able
to tell

my hands
excessively clinging
to the thin rubber band

my voice
as i try to unwrap
one syllable after another

the aching in the throat
as i try to describe
in as little detail
the things i went through

as soon
as the words
left my mouth
almost as silent
as a short breath

i leave
the room
you sitting there
trying to grasp

what i had just coughed up
and disappeard
directly after
realizing i actually did

i am nowhere
and everywhere
at once
i am there again

you try to unwrap
the tangled words
the things unsaid
the thoughts not spoken

i slip out of reality
and suddenly
i hear you say
loud and clearly

"It was not your fault. It never was and it never will be."
For years
And years
I blamed
For forever
I hated me
It felt like an eternity

I'm still healing
I have been growing
I feel maturity
I feel less
I'm realizing
For the first time
It's okay

It's okay
It's okay
I misbehaved
It's okay
It's okay
I felt that way
It's **** okay
But it's still a shame

I'm not to blame
I wasn't untamed
I was a child
I wasn't wild
I was alone
I was crying
For attention
For affection
I was
Til it left me

I been hurting
I been broken
Never healed
Only blamed
Left in guilt

It's okay
It's okay
To feel that way
It's okay
It's **** okay
But what a shame

To blame a child
For being touched
To blame a child
Who thought she could trust
To blame a child
For not knowing love
What a shame
I became
To myself
Swallowed in guilt

So I let them
Be right
I let them win the fight
Lose my might
Never say no
Never let go
Hate myself
Bury bury
Never grow
Let my passion

It's okay
It's okay
To say
I wasn't to blame
It's okay
It's okay
To say
It shouldn't have been that way
I regret
So much
To let you touch
To be so alone
I let you
Hurt me
Inside my bones
It's okay
I didn't know better
It's okay
It's okay to
Let it go
To forgive me
And to be ******* angry
About it
It's okay
It's okay
But it's a ****
******* shame
I lost me
I lost all of my childhood
I blocked so many memories
I became a sad vicious story
I was nothing
Not me
Not you
I was nothing
But guilt
I had built
Of magic
So strategic
To hide
*** I never felt
Living that way

Now I want to say
To myself
To that little girl
So ashamed
So alone
So afraid
It's okay
It's okay
To feel that way
It's okay
It's okay
I know it's a shame
You're not to blame
It's okay
It's really okay

Let it go
Be angry
And never forget
You're valid
And it's *******
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