I think that, from far away, I must look like a girl.
every flaw de-magnified, every bit of too-much-ness
made lesser by default.
if you silhouette me, my edges are soft.
cast my shadow, she is fragile and delicate.
she is small and palatable.
she is the absence of the existence of me.
my body has become something i crumple and drag
underneath me like a dead thing.
i stuff it into jackets,
zipped up like a body bag.
it has been years and years
since the ghost-flesh of my torso has seen the sun.
i couldn’t tell you how it feels to walk outside
and not check the ground
for somewhere to swallow me.
i couldn’t tell you how it feels
to touch this skin
and believe that it’s mine.
if this body were an evening gown
i’d take it straight to the tailor –
i’d ask him to take up the hem
so i can stop stumbling.
i’d tell him to switch out the scratchy tulle
for the softest fleece.
i’d beg him to loosen it up around the ribcage
so i could finally
take one, real, gasping breath of air.
Pull me close,
In fact closer than most.
Probably all of me, the nearest to all of you,
I'll be jealous, it's me over... those
Don't leave me, even though I'm always with you,
You see, without you i am empty and no more free
A dark space with light I'll never see
But around your shoulders, that's where I'm meant to be
Know that I feel you, as much inches of you, there is of me too
The mole on your shoulder, that bump's still blue
I'll hide your imperfections, they won't have a clue
Having me will never feel like déjà vu
Trust everything in me
As you keep in me what you value, I'll make sure, effortlessly
Just reach and see, i'll feel your hand slowly
It'll be normal and comfy, that's how you'll know, lovingly
I'll catch that stain of coffee
Let me freeze, i'll stay warm where you'll be
Rest your back, I'll feel your nape on this tree
You don't need to speak when you're with me
I don't mind how you notice others
I know all places your elbow's been, the tear made by your brother
No one else will have our stories, see
That fact will always keep me happy
Don't you worry
And when day turns to sleep,
Throw me by your side, or even at your feet
I won't always feel your love, be your shape
But I'm home with you anyway,
And love is made of faith
It's not that I fall in love too much or too easy
I just adore human's body
Warmth of the skin
How some of them smooth
How some of them rough
The colors of sunshine and dark night
Make my mind wanders
Like the spring I bloom
Then the petal falls like autumn
As I my fate moves
And my mind touched all over again
Like the phases of the moon
I look down at my body
And I'm filled with disgust
But I think of your words
And it slowly fades away
I can't hate what you love
I can't spurn what you crave
Your loves makes me love me
And it's pretty hard to love me
1 week went by before I realised I was waiting again.
Waiting for the pattern to re-erupt.
"Another one bites the dust"
You see they get infused with my sweetness.
Soon to realise their stupidity will leave them bitter.
Theres always new reasons, I'm never really sure if its me.
But politely I think I hit them like blinding sunshine.
Their eyes straight up facing the sky.
The beauty that intimidates.
I'm a short lived kiss.
A hug once missed.
I'm used to it now, being their form of a shooting star in their blank night.
Something so electric must fade.
Boys will always fall when they rise that quickly.
You feel like the one to not quiver then run.
Someone who sees my inner beauty.
But boy after boy, now man after man.
I'm hoping you see me as more than any other has.
You, my new blinded sunshine, I'm waiting for you to leave me.
Life was perfect
When you were around
I thought that would last
Until you were found
Blossoming in Spring
Lovelier than life
Then winter came
And so did the knife
Your hands created art
Inspiring the soul
You wanted attention
And so reached your goal
So very dear to me
My source of heat
That wasn’t enough though
You got cold feet
Life was bright
When you were around
Then everything went dark
When your body was found
I have looked, over and over,
I've screened my body
I don't like what I see.
I stopped eating and blamed myself,
It changed bit by bit
And I still do not like it...
I have been told I'm too much,
I'm too dark, too broken
I want to change my image.
I stopped talking and blamed myself
People do like me more this way
But I started writing again...
Then I understood :
I don't have to please others
When I'm the one living with myself.
my body has often been the conversation towards explicitly
my body has been the conversation for my mother
telling me a guy my age will be intimidated they will never like me or how she could take me to Vegas or the corner to make money
my body has been the conversation of men
at the age of eleven being cat called as a twenty year old
in the 6th grade having boys grab me or look under my skirt
my body has been the conversation of teachers and peers
not being allowed to were similar clothing due to my curves
"it may be distracting to others" they say
"what size are those things" from my classmates
my body has been the conversation many times
it no longer feels like mine to claim
After being in a long term relationship
And always having that security
The knowing that someone loves you
Knowing that no matter what you’re beautiful
That your breath in the morning will still make them smile
That your eyes filled with tears won’t make you any less pretty
Is one of the many things I forgot about that you don’t get when single
Theres many things I forgot but that one hit me like a ton of bricks
I forgot what it felt like to fully never know if someone likes you
That the guy who holds you in his hands
And pulls you closer when a guy walks by
May just be doing this because you’re the easy one
He knows what to say when you want to hear it
And that just makes me wonder so much more
Because for so long I never had to worry about my body
I knew I was big, but I knew I was beautiful
Now, I’m in the wilderness again and I forgot that bears just want to eat
That when he kisses down my body
And slides his hands across my stomach
He may just be doing this because he knows that I will
Its hard never knowing if they have the same feelings
Because no matter how many times he can say it light heartily
It’ll never feel like he actually means it
I am wrapped up in my head again, now that I have lost my security
She was shit at her job but at least I knew I had a body guard
And now the awkward stage of this relationship is just fucking with my head
Do you like me or not? And be honest? Brutally.