It is I, who is shaken by the subliminal lies said through your eyes
Which are unfaithful to the truth
I'd rather feign my sadness, lest my existence disturbs you
Drown me in my apprehensions, a labyrinth of my fragmented ego
Savor my tears, for I have cried enough to **** my pride
Yet, it is I who is still shaken
My dearest friend, lover

I do not know how to mourn by the river
Taking my soul, all torn and withered
No one can tell me where I lie
Standing upon my ground, goes awry
Hastily making the gravest mistakes
My heart trembles, never quakes
Such tender darkness, so trivial
Makes my voice come alight through my upheavals

Oh, tell me if my fears mean nothing
Throwing my tears against an unknown something
Only burns, the reprimanding light of day
Night, only sense of freedom, in shape
Thunderous words strike my being
Negative washes do cleaning
To breathe is to draw in one less breath
To speak is to utter one less regret

I don't know how to mourn by the river
Drawing me in, my faults come hither
Relentless suffering that visits my head
I wish something else could visit me instead
I don't know how to mourn from the river
Secret despondence, my only killer
My dearest friend, lover
Show me how to mourn by the river

I'm standing next to a bucket.
It's a foul one,
Pitch black contents,
Bubbling and putrid.
The sludge taunts me.
I want to kick it over,
Drain out the waste.
But shame has tied my feet to the floor.

The universe talks to me.
And right now it's saying you're no good for me
Everywhere I turn, I see how we would not work
We're too similar
We don't add to each other's character
We don't grow together - we grow alongside each other
We believe the same things - but when we don't, we can't hear the other out.
I don't want to listen.

We drown in each other's eyes but claw up each others minds
Planting traces of explosives that time will force together
Into a whole, ready to shatter
And take with it our sanity,
Our mutual care
Our love

You're no good for me, the universe tells me
It gives me many alternatives,
Throws people in my path
Brings back old friends, previous acquaintances, long-forgotten memories
I'm not listening yet.

The universe tries to talk to me
I don't want to listen
I want to drown in your eyes like you drown in my voice

The universe tries to talk to me.
I don't want to listen.

But you don't talk to me anymore.
Should I start listening?

I woke up chained in an erroneous love
I wept alone in my sorry state
The world’s quite deaf with all
my cries
I hurt myself and cursed my fate
The cuts are deep, my cup is emptied
The thread is thin and I’m hanging low
In my quiet moments of reflection
I held onto every bit of memory
On how sweet our love was used to be
The intentions were real but the truth is untold
Agonized as the lies unfold
Oftentimes I asked myself
of how  could you control me this much
Though I am tempted with hatred and overwhelmed with grief
My heart even ached with the thought of your touch
And much would I wanted to say it’s over, it really is this time
I still have a pull in my soul and on my mind
Though my life is torn apart,
my heart is still in bind
I know I shouldn’t feel this way
I know I shouldn’t have to care
After all I have realized, I never needed you
But then I knew exactly what is right, that it’s you who needed me

it’s every man for themselves
in this world where
we are shown how
to tear each other apart
instead of love one another

built to be torn
grown and then chopped,
we are.
set up in a mainstream world
blindly unaware that acceptance
is just an illusion with false hype
of great importance.
with conformists scared of 'insanity'
and shunning as the cure for all fear,
individualism falls.
society mindlessly pushes difference
off a black and white cliff
to decompose in a sea of acidic hate.
just for being content with our oddities,
we are shut down like the ignorant.
oh, how unfortunate we are
to be cursed with a brain.

I am torn in two, divided yet whole.
Split in half, I hold both parts of my soul.
I thought I knew the answer— I don't know.
Don’t count on it— It’s decidedly so.

I should make the choice— we can never choose
Let’s flip a coin, heads they win, tails we loose.
—We lost— Let’s shake the ball for counsel
With out a doubt! —Or is it quite doubtful?

Yes or no, or maybe so, we will see.
Yes, I know, just let it go, we are free.
Are we wrong, or right, is it day or night, tell me.

Am I torn, divided, or split in two?
There’s a difference?— Oh if only I knew.
The voices in my head say they know what to do.

1/28/19