You think you love me
but you don't understand,
that method and madness
can't go hand in hand.

TanyaAhmed May 17

Only if he could understand the love, that still existed in between those broken pieces.

World would have been a li'l better place for her.

Are you scared?
That someone will
Or will not understand?
The meaning therein?
Because you can ask any of those who really know
For I am such a man

Ask and you shall receive
oh my stars May 8

You will never understand
What it feels like
To lie in bed at night
Not being to think about anything
Apart from the pair of scissors on your desk
Just three metres away.
You will never understand
What it feels like
To be kept alive by one person.
To completely rely on their love
And their very being.
And you will never understand
What it's like to hurt that someone
So much
Because you don't realise you are
Hanging onto the cracks in their foundations.
You are ripping them apart
And you're so self-consumed that
You don't notice them crumbling
Beneath your touch.
You will never know what it's like
To love life with such a passion
That your missed opportunities
Threaten to kill you.
You will never understand
How it is both a blessing a curse
To feel every emotion so deeply.
So purely.
To feel anger pumping through your bloodstream
To feel sadness dragging you to the bottom
To feel joy lifting you of the ground
And excitement bursting through you
Like sunbeams breaking through clouds.
You will never understand
How hard the simplest things are.
How contributing in class makes you sweat.
How him being late sends your heart into anaphylactic shock.
How leaving the house is enough to trigger a panic attack.
You will never understand
The difficulty of loving someone who doesn't notice you.
Because, believe me, no matter how long you live with it,
You will never get used to everyone meaning the world to you,
And you nothing to them.
You will never understand
How challenging it is to exist,
How hard it is to hold on to life.

You will never understand.
And I am so glad you won't.

My mind is going weird again and hurting my head
I don't know what to make of it

I think
I want a male me
Or just me. I want another me. Doesn't necessarily have to be male. Can be female. Why not both. But I want another physical and spiritual embodiment of who I am as a person

A part of me just wants to hug and hold someone. And my head is automatically choosing said person, but the feeling of the mere hug and contact is overshadowing the identity of the person by a few degrees

I miss calloused hands roaming my body. And I miss body heat. I miss legs I can entangle mine with. I miss the crooks of necks. I miss snores emanating from a chest and hearing the rumble in the air from it. I miss tired faces resting and appearing destressed. I miss light groans as a body shifts positions in their sleep.

I think I can pinpoint what it is that I miss. Because although all sound like physical and verbal responses, it is not the actions, although they always go hand in hand.

I think I miss intimacy. But what is necessarily intimacy?
There's a few definitions as soon as one googles it
A close familiarity or closeness. A private, cozy atmosphere. A closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.

My chest aches and pounds as I try to put my finger on what it is I'm searching for. The more it aches, the closer I am to finding my answer

Intimacy is to see in to me.
It is to let and allow someone to see you for who you are, to know what makes you a being.
But not necessarily in your head.

Intimacy is the knowledge of how another person's mind control's their body. How the body reacts to acts that can cause the mind to blank or move forward just off-beat of the body.

It's dragging your fingertips over their body and feeling the goosebumps rise as a laugh comes from the mouth over the words "popcorn butter is actually coconut oil with artificial flavoring" and feeling your eyes connect the dots between those goosebumps to their face and your brain noticing the connection between noises and nerve endings.

Intimacy is a weird state to be in. Because too much can cause the mind to blank and overload itself with serotonin and dopamine. All the while there is never enough time in the world to drag on that forever feeling
It's the act of getting lost in a person and discovering bits and pieces of how you affect said person.
In body, in mind, in response

I think I'm done because I don't know how else to frame my words. My head hurts and my chest pounds with equal force. I believe it's time for me to bid adieu and deal with this in the dreamscape

A collection of texts I sent to my friend while my thoughts ran rampant

Your body shows the path that leads to insanity
Your smile tells why my heart belongs to you
Every single kiss
Every single touch
On your body
Awakens a volcano in me
Your boobs on my chest
My hands holding your butt cheek and thigh
“Go a little bit faster”
You whisper
I surrender to your voice
You control me with that voice
I follow your command
I’m a slave to your body
It speaks a language I can understand

Life is nothing more than madness.
Probably there is no karma, no right, no wrong.
It's all a bunch of mechanic or random probabilities fighting against emotions, which are simply chemical reactions happening in our brain. Often good people get bad things, bad people get good things.
Simple: no meaning, no reasons.
We have these curious habits to give life some meaning just because we want some sort of reward for our efforts.
We put effort in things because inside and deeper each one of us is a dreamer, even the most skeptical man on earth.
But we should go through madness first, to get rid of our inner-fake-dreamer, to unlearn the bullshits we have been told from birth and to re-learn how to dream properly, with the help of a less magic but different truth.
If we decide to go through madness we need to know we may not come out sane from it, and sometime we will have left just that little bit to keep going and survive. If we succeed we will understand that there is nothing to win, nothing to lose, that is all about perception and everything is a cyclic succession of experiences to use wisely.
- Manuela Camporaso

Your mind is filled with beautiful things and I can listen to you for hours. Even your silence is comfortable. We somehow, in such a short time, just got each other.

My favorite moments with you is when my lips is settled on your collarbone, I close my eyes to the sound of your breath on my neck, and your heart beating against my chest.

I am intoxicated by your presence, it feels as if I'm swimming in the deep waters of you and I am unable to touch the bottom. It is equally frightening and exhilarating.

This whirlwind I feel is not butterflies in my stomach but rather a tornado erupting through my body; with every look, and kiss, and touch.

I must admit, the thought has crossed my mind; to simply melt into your arms and stay there, then I realise, it has only been twelve days.

It simply feels as if, we have always been.

April Mar 31

Why did you do this?
To me? Your mother?
I thought we were considered friends.
What happened?
Why couldn't you talk to me?
Try to get help?
I need to understand.
I wanted to help, it seems I was too late...

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