Every day is a new day, yes,
But all of my days after you
Are now all filled with fear.
Every day I worry you will find me,
I worry that not only will you find me,
You will kill me.
You wouldn’t kill me with your words,
If that was the case I’ve been dead for years.
But you’ll attack me with those strong, calloused hands of yours.
You’ll take one look at me and your face will change to anger
And you’ll reach at my neck and choke me until I can no longer breathe.
Or you’ll start with a punch to my gut,
You’ll black out and beat me until I lie motionless on the street.
And you’ll leave and never look back.
Today is a new day.
Today is a very bad day.
I see you for the first time in years.
I pray for the first time, hoping you haven’t seen me.
Maybe I should have prayed earlier on in my life,
Because within seconds,
I feel your gaze on me.
I feel hot,
Frozen in fear.
My heart is beating heavily against my chest,
I cannot catch my breath
As I’m struggling to think of what to do next.
Before my mind has a chance to disagree,
I run out of the store I didn’t remember walking into,
And run through the parking lot to my car.
I can hear your feet hitting the pavement,
You’re screaming my name with disbelief,
Not yet with the anger I was surely convinced I would hear.
I reach my car,
Fumbling with the keys,
I manage to open my door before you get to me.
As I’m closing the door,
You force it open.
You beg and plead for me to explain why I left.
Why I left you,
Why I no longer love you,
And why I am deathly afraid of you.
I look up at you,
Thinking of whether I should tell you the truth.
Instead, I decided to stand up to you.
“I don’t owe you anything.”
You reach down into my car to grab me,
I let out a shriek and tried to close the door.
But you were standing in the way.
The top corner of the door frame hit you in the head,
You reel backwards.
At this moment,
I realize what I have done.
I have put myself into even more danger.
Your face flashes quickly between pain to anger.
I close the door, successfully this time,
Put the key into the ignition and start my car.
I lock my doors before you started pulling on the handles,
Using all of your weight you try to pry the door open.
After trying unsuccessfully to get in you walked away,
I finally feel at peace.
You’ve left me be.
Peace didn’t last long.
You only left long enough to find a rock,
A rock big enough to break my window.
You hurl the large rock into my backseat window,
I shriek as you scream profanities at me.
I try to start driving out of the parking lot, but before I could, your hands are around my neck.
Your grip grows tighter and tighter with every new word screamed at me,
I dig my long nails into your skin, trying to set myself free.
I should have known there’s no escape from you.
I cannot breathe,
Gasping for air,
Gasping for help,
Gasping for my last chance at life.
I feel weak,
I cannot move,
I’m drifting in and out of reality.
The last thing I hear is his voice quietly whispering my name,
Followed by “I’m sorry.”
And everything turns dark.
Inhaling the toxin
And sinking in dust.
Here comes winter
The Choking is must.
Ajay Amitabh Suman
your birthday party.
crowds gathered in the lawn,
from the festivities
after the incident.
that the piece
of hard candy
you choked on
help could arrive.
4 years old,
and the balloons
on your mailbox
seem more Haunting
Come out of nowhere
And invade my peace
They are so strong
Thoughts of you make them worse
Thoughts of you cannot stop them
Nor thoughts of the train
Or of the people in my house
Or of the man who feeds the pigeons on my morning walk through the park
Sobs cannot be stopped by thoughts
Give up, give up
I hear in the distance
The sound of temptation is both sweet and sour
So I listen
Are no more
don't waste your breath
telling me to get better, talk dirty to me
don't hold your breath
hoping i try to help myself.
if you're going to hold my neck
hold it a lot tighter than that,
don't forget to push down
on my windpipe with your palm,
we're wrapped up in these bedsheets
because i want you to hurt me.
i want to see the rope burn on my wrists glisten
where it's begun to tear away at my flesh
and i like to feel real tangible knots
when i'm tied up in self loathing.
i struggle to find the line between
lovesick and depressed or
being a masochist. what's the big difference.
either way i wake up with bruised
blue lips and oxygen deprivation,
and fresh linens wet with singeing liquids,
and a pain in my stomach or lungs that means
i'm still breathing slightly.
i wanted you to kill me.
sputtering and submerged. choking on baptism water, salvation salting my throat. a coliseum of lapis and jade, shadows solidly shifting while swimming, brushing, and lifting against folding flesh.
it's sudden, letting the world sink above you. letting graves enclose you, letting rose vines entomb you. a quarry, a chisel, a graveyard - they all shallow out the earth, ethereal in nature and uncomfortable to the nurtured. necessary.