your birthday party.
crowds gathered in the lawn,
from the festivities
after the incident.
that the piece
of hard candy
you choked on
help could arrive.
4 years old,
and the balloons
on your mailbox
seem more Haunting
Come out of nowhere
And invade my peace
They are so strong
Thoughts of you make them worse
Thoughts of you cannot stop them
Nor thoughts of the train
Or of the people in my house
Or of the man who feeds the pigeons on my morning walk through the park
Sobs cannot be stopped by thoughts
Give up, give up
I hear in the distance
The sound of temptation is both sweet and sour
So I listen
Are no more
don't waste your breath
telling me to get better, talk dirty to me
don't hold your breath
hoping i try to help myself.
if you're going to hold my neck
hold it a lot tighter than that,
don't forget to push down
on my windpipe with your palm,
we're wrapped up in these bedsheets
because i want you to hurt me.
i want to see the rope burn on my wrists glisten
where it's begun to tear away at my flesh
and i like to feel real tangible knots
when i'm tied up in self loathing.
i struggle to find the line between
lovesick and depressed or
being a masochist. what's the big difference.
either way i wake up with bruised
blue lips and oxygen deprivation,
and fresh linens wet with singeing liquids,
and a pain in my stomach or lungs that means
i'm still breathing slightly.
i wanted you to kill me.
sputtering and submerged. choking on baptism water, salvation salting my throat. a coliseum of lapis and jade, shadows solidly shifting while swimming, brushing, and lifting against folding flesh.
it's sudden, letting the world sink above you. letting graves enclose you, letting rose vines entomb you. a quarry, a chisel, a graveyard - they all shallow out the earth, ethereal in nature and uncomfortable to the nurtured. necessary.
the transparent words fall out her mouth,
like they never belonged there.
she knows that she's running her mouth,
she knows these things aren't to be said.
her words scatter around the floor,
and her anxiety presses for her to fall
to her knees and collect the words
so that no one else can see her guts spilt.
she knows that nothing good can come
of this, and she knows it so well.
and yet, against her will entirely,
she's forced to say these things, because
without it, her depression would be bored
without being able to tear her apart.
Burning like a tattoo in the center of your chest
Tears bursting through this broken dam
Cause you've lost your mother and not by death
There's no way to slow this cardiogram
Up in my throat, choking on my own heart
Gasping for air so thick in a cloudy room
Only to circle and find, it's been you from the start
You've always been the strength to help u resume
Always been the warmth for your own survival
But the numbing vibration of her absent love
Will always be there due to her deprival.
Now you've learned from it all,
Time to rise above.
I look outside,
See all the things that I'm missing,
I feel empty,
Too scared to still make the change,
I follow the same old pattern,
The pattern that kills me,
While I'm still breathing,
I'm choking myself slowly,
It's like a disease,
I'm supposed to live,
But I've given up,
Given up in slowmotion.