it’s been years, and I still scream
halfway through the night.
I still wake up drenched in sweat and tears,
feeling his grip around my wrist.
when I take a shower, I find myself
still trying to scrub him off me.
I’m still trying to erase the
cigarette burn on my right hand,
the one he gave me when
he was drunk and angry.
sometimes, I scrub my skin until I bleed. not intentionally, of course.
I don’t want to hurt myself.
I’ve hurt myself enough over the years,
and I have the scars to prove it.
all I want is to scrub him off of me.
I want to feel clean again.
but no matter how raw I scrub myself,
the fingerprints and bruises still linger.
Be who you want
Talk to who you want
You are you
No one can stop that
My name is Kimberly
I call myself a different name
Hard drugs is who i am.
Before you ask, no
I don't care what you think
They help me ESCAPE
I consider myself different from all the rest, I'm distant, the drugs really overpower me. To me it makes me have a rush, I can **** it in a heartbeat. I know its just white powder
It makes me feel invincible, grateful for this powder while every body is against it
My nose will bleed. .my family can most likely notice the powder on my nose then I know I'm not invincible
Yet another failure on this ******* planet.
Well I pretty much described myself . Everything gives me a rush and.....well
I've grown to love it, you can push me off a cliff
And ill do a kick off, I'm ready to ****
Ready to lose blood as I'm hitting the
Im honestly am ready for anything
Because everything possible has already happened
Im ready for the good rush
I wrote this a few years ago when I was having addiction problems. When you think all u have is that one drug to call a friend. You loose yourself in the drug. Im glad I got out
A summer dress, perhaps
deserves a summerish redress.
In the witching hour, solitude's domain,
there is naught but
I, and the white-hot eclipse for my eye.
I have one hand beneath your neck,
and another behind your knees.
In these gloves, I will drown and resurrect
my fair dress, one-and-only Sunday Best,
sodium hypochlorite cocktail mess.
My alternative hydrotherapy
is a remedy from my enemy.
You traffic through this well of hell in ease.
A fire drunken on the Lethe.
Deliquesce in clinical scents.
Your skin thrives on the purge,
but mine cannot survive.
A silver lake.
Slake and slough and
that this will surely
make you clean.
But you thought the same thing
about the tall fields of grass
that sliced your skin
in microscopic ribbons,
and made your shins itch.
Now that you have frost
coating every hair
of every crevice?
Is this purity?
Is this what you’re craving
In the first rays of sun warming my shoulders
In the crisp air that brushes my cheeks
In the colors of dawn reflecting on the water
I take a breath and feel that I too am renewing
I left to wash my hands today
And rid myself of the sun’s cruel rays
I walked into the strongest waves
No one saw, so I couldn’t be saved
The water rose up from my knees
Until it began to fill my cheeks
Salt in my lungs, I couldn’t breathe
And by then at last my hands were clean
Maybe after that they’d notice me
I'll reinvent myself
Doesn't mean I'm trying to be someone else
Just because you haven't seen
This side of me
It feels good, it feels clean
Even if it feels a little foreign to me
Your fingerprints aren’t all over everything
I can't stop cleaning
My knuckles are dry
Rivers of disinfectant fill the parched cracks of my skin
A storm in a gorge
There's too much dust
I swipe it away
It comes back!
Dark grey tufts of storm clouds
That I, with my
But it's not nothing
I know what it is
I tear the filled pages
Out of my notebook
Cast them away
Clean white pages are all I need
The purity of sacred bleach
Smell the chemicals, the cleanliness
Destroy the dust, keep order
Tear the paper, fall like rain
It's never nothing
I know what it is
When I'm emotionally blocked, I clean. I clean like I'm being paid for it.
Today marks one month of sobriety.
I’m happy with myself I’m staying clean.
I’m experiencing first hand why getting clean seems like an insurmountable task,
why it’s inherently formidable.
It’s not because of the task of getting clean itself, its because of everything that’s in my face while I’m clean-
the trauma, the distressing emotions & thoughts, the self defeating conditioning. It’s all clear as day, it’s inescapable now.
I’m proud of myself for choosing to face & deal, over numb & escape.
I’m going to take one day at a time.
I aim to live everyday now.
ankles held firm
his shoulders lurch
branches loom ahead
I duck in ashen forests
'Do all Uncle says,'
Mother spat again
face is stinging
'Here we are
the stiff door
his treacle tone
mocks the dust
dead moths stir
they all do it
I disappear to
holes in the wall
they watch in silence
and let me stay on
do I live
staring out the
window I see
in warming sun
Whoever made it
is my Friend
#child #innocence #destroyed #alone #mountain #clean #strong
for some, betrayal starts early... and the body remembers... as does the mind