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Ren Mar 1
I had those random thoughts again.
Such as; how people pick you last for the first game of the semester played in a gym class, even though they don't know how good or bad you are.

It's off of appearance alone, which is *******.
"Oh they look thin, they're probably not good at (sport)."
What the **** does that have to do with anything?

When we played soccer, I showed up everyone else,
even though I was picked last.
They had the nerve to say to me, "Wow, good job!"
As if the notion that I was good at a sport was some sort of miracle.

Whatever.
Not like I played soccer for eleven ******* years.
Not like they knew that since sixth grade.

The way they say, "Wow, good job!", makes me sick.
They say it to me as if I'm unable to be good, just because they perceive me to be horrible at sports.
They sound so surprised.

Another thing's been stuck in my head ever since I've read Paper Towns.
John Green mentions people seeing mirrors of others as who they believe the person to be.
I find this true.
People love to think that they know someone very well, when they only know the version that they've created.
Green says we need to see through the window to see who the person actually is.

Which seems ******* impossible.
But it's not.
Just talk to them instead of assuming.

They've already built a mirror of who I am.
Of course, it's completely wrong.

I'm not some boring skinny twig that can't talk right.
I'm not smart, and I'm not rude.
I have emotions, and I really care about others, much more than myself, even.

That's not who I am to anyone else, though.
I have these journal entries on my phone that I'm posting here.
ren Nov 2018
all i think about is you,
how you might not be feeling well
and you’re probably quite overwhelmed
or how maybe you’re enjoying yourself
and smiling so brightly.
i wish i didn’t have to think of you,
someone who could think of someone else,
even if you’re so important to me,
there is someone else more important than me
and at the end of the day,
i’ll have to face it when you say,
it’s just not you.
i prepare myself-
i prepare myself for a far worse heartbreak,
i do not understand why,
should i simply just let go?
it feels so impossible,
letting go of yet another one of my loves
and i don’t want to just simply let go
because i want to hold on so tightly
and to stay for as long as i can.
my heart will have to accept the pain,
the pain it may possibly be given
but for now,
i’ll have to wait for you,
no matter how long it takes-
i will wait.
i can no longer be quick to assume,
i just want you to know that i apologize,
i apologize for dragging you down
and making you feel like it’s all your fault,
that you made me feel this way,
when i am the one that makes me feel this way-
i am the one making such assumptions,
i am the one that makes the tears fall,
i am the one who chooses to cut off people,
i am the one to make such a big deal of this,
soon you’ll realize that i am the one
and it was never ever you.
maybe she’ll convince you of that
because i really can’t,
it is like my words have no meaning
or you’re just not hearing them.
you’ll have to do what you have to do,
say what you have to say,
do not let the guilt wash over you that day
because it’s about who you really feel for
and if it’s just not me,
i’ll understand because it always can’t be me.
i say i’ll stay even when you decide
but i’ll try,
i’ll really try just for you.



you: an angel, battling himself, tearing himself apart over losing someone he loves and breaking their heart. poor angel, why does he have to deal with such difficulties like me? he’ll have to say goodbye the day he decides and a small piece of his heart leaves only to be put back together by the one he loves the most. it’ll hurt but it’ll go away, he will get over it and maybe so will i. no end to his suffering, this poor angel i will simply never stop loving no matter if there’re more angels because he is my angel. i hope he does not regret his decision when the time comes because my angel will have the one he truly loves for once.
i poured my heart and feelings out in this, i really hope whoever sees this, enjoys it!
ren Nov 2018
you’ve got me in your hold,
you’ve got me so shook up
and i just want to stay here
in your arms where i truly belong.
you smile so brightly
like you’re okay and that it’s alright
but i just want to keep holding you tonight,
you don’t have to pretend,
cry on my shoulder and tell me all that hurts
because i am here as you’re always for me.
i wish you knew in a world full of blue
you make feel so vibrant
and full of meaning,
that meaning being i exist to love you
but why won’t you see it?
see the love i have for you?
just let me go,
i wish not to ruin your life any longer  
as you believe i’m full of lies-
please do not let your thoughts
cloud your true feelings
no matter if i do so.
i am in search of your happiness
and if i am not your happiness
or if i do not make you feel nearly as vibrant
as you do me,
then i will leave as i have no place.
that place no longer being in your arms,
no matter how much you made me feel.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2018
I like your eyes
They suit you well
The slightest hint of green
Camouflaged in a sort of blue
Maybe grey
Hard to be certain
If I try, when I do
That is exactly the time
You decide to slide them away
Never knowing mine
Too often, too consistent
Don't worry,
I can read between lines
Pretty, I know you are used to it
Most that try are trying
To think that I am guilty
And my motives hide desires
Then there is no need worrying
I do not have designs or am I trying
Simply appreciating the colors
That compliment you friendly smile
Not my type though pretty you may be
Im a man of acquired tastes
It suits me, the ones that get me
the way they do,
Is less assumingly
Unlike you do.
assuming eyes,
Slide away always
Meandering Mind Sep 2018
maybe math is the foundation
maybe math is essence
maybe math tells us everything

or maybe not

maybe it's a trick
or a bad logical conclusion
based on faulty logic
or wrong assumptions
or poor observations
or just ****** minds
is math universal?

or universally wrong?
Emma Sep 2018
Polar opposites, polar opposites, polar opposites.
The words ricochet around in my head, repeating as I try to parse out their meaning.
Yes, different, our shared thread the secret sign language of the unhappy.
But there are other things for me.
Aren’t there for you?
I love your dumb differences, what you are.
And me? Is what I am not enough when it’s so contrary?
Should we die then?
Accept defeat as inevitable when we are impossible?
Do we attract, volatile and painful and strong while we last?
I have always known this would end badly for me.
You are worth the risk, worth the pain.
I knew this too, instantly.
Didn’t you?
Part 1 of 2. What I assumed.
can I fall in love with you
from a distance
from an angle
from a smile caught in time
feeling only that which derives
from your voice
your words
your soul that travels these many miles

can I trust the toys
that allow me to know
some of you
filter out what I don't care to see
hiding behind that glow

can I fall in love with you
from a dream
that brings you here to stay
beyond that dreams end
04/07 - revised
oh the whispers you hear

Rumors cling to her
As if she were born of fantasy
If you didn’t look close enough
You’d believe them

Her every feature memorized
From a distance
If stares could melt
She’d long be a puddle

Devouring eyes implore a taste
The touch becomes a habit
Filthy minds puppeteer filthy hands
A mixture of greed and obsession

You reach for her unvoiced desires
Assumed, as always
Untrue, as always
Affection dissolves before it appears

You demand an answer
The one you want to hear
Different from the one she gives
Yet excuses don’t work if the consent was never there in the first place

The stories she does not share
Haunt memories and thoughts,
Begging to be remembered
As she begs to forget

Love isn’t pretty
Love was never pretty

oh the whispers she hears
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