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And then I came out
A poem every day.
12-10-19
ollie 3d
i realized i had been born in the wrong body
when i was thirteen
shortly after my grandmother died
shortly before my fourteenth birthday
shortly realizing my body had been made shorter than was necessary
watching a movie with my younger sister
and realizing
that she was crying
but my eyes were glass
incapable of being born to cry
it was a sad movie
but i was more absorbed in my own thoughts
spinning this web around
pressing my body back down
puberty turns everyone upside down
i wanted to turn my skin inside out
nobody likes acne
i found parts of my body rising in areas other than my face
the difference was
you cannot pop your chest
i felt fear
in ways not unmatched by how i feel when i’m told to think about my future
i was scared
how do you just deal with
living in the wrong body
and god made it known
that the answer was
wear clothes that don’t fit you
a baggy t-shirt cannot hide
my vocal cords
when i’m rambling
or my height
no matter how tall i stand up
when i’m asked
what i would say to one person that i’d been too scared to tell them
i do not hesitate in saying
“i’d say ‘i’m sorry, i was too scared to tell you’”
but i am lying
because i would say
i’m sorry
over and over
i’m sorry
for not being born as your granddaughter
the way i should’ve been
and in some ways
when i wear a suit to my performance
and ask if the one sitting next to me has been binding their chest
for a few hours longer than is safe
i wish
that i had the opportunity
to break my own ribs
the way they do
because i would like
nothing more
than to have trouble breathing
if it meant
i was allowed to recognize my reflection
wrote this after a tournament also i hate being trans
I walk through the doors,
Present the child with a tiny badge,
Yellow, white, purple, black.
I watch the smile spread across their face,
As I call them
"Captain; dear; Mx. Eli; child"
Do not tell me that they are not real
Do not tell me that they are confused
You have never known the inner workings
Of the mind of a child,
You dictate their thoughts and dreams and imaginary friends and fathers.
They are not confused
They know their mind
And they know the world they will grow up in
Will be nothing but cruel to them -
Nothing but cruelty to the little lost boys and girls and neithers,
Because if you cannot experience it then it must not be true,
And you must make up lies you imagine your father must have said
From his passive, uncaring position in the clouds,
Watching drama unfold like a game of Sims.
Tell me I'm going to hell. I'll see you there.
And never talk to my sibling like that again.
Arden Sep 23
It is true that not all who wander are lost
But it is also true that
Not all who are lost want to be found

Or maybe I’m I just don’t think I deserve to be found
I feel to lost to be found
I am too far away from who you think I am
That if you knew
I would be a stranger to you
Arden Sep 23
Hey dysphoric trans girl,

I see you.
Your outfit is really cute today.
And I'm really proud of you for getting
Our of bed with such grace.
The weight of dysphoria is heavy
Let me carry it with you.
You're essential to the world we live in.
You're more than a trending topic.
Your bodies existence is a radical act
And it's survival is worthy of celebration
Disappointment *****.
Being able to still be disappointed
Means you are engaged in your life.
You are an active player.
That's good!
Every part of you is a girl.
Especially the part you don’t like today.
Your voice, hands, and feet are feminine
What else could they be

Love,
A dysphoric trans boy
Arden Sep 23
Let's make one thing clear
The future is not female
The future is
Nonbinary it's
Genderfluid it's
Queer it's
Trans it's
Natives it's
*** workers, it's
***, it's
Bi, it's
Pan, it's
Ace it's
People of color it's
People with disabilities
THE FUTURE IS INTERSECTIONAL
Arden Sep 23
there are days my body doesn't  
support me  
hold me close and protect me  
there are the days that I am a clay figure  
molded by clumsy hands shaped  
with curves where there should be flat  

a persona of who I am     who I want to be  
there are the days when I avoid mt reflection  
yet want to check to make sure it matches  

these are the days when my reflection  
NEVER  
matches who I am  
my insides twist in disgust and I want to  
crawl out of myself  

these are the days  
my body is a secret I never want to revel  
when my steps are unsure and my face is  
set to "boy mode"

these are the days that I watch guys and  
imitate them  
stealing their walk hoping  
I can steal their identity so I don't have to  
live my own

these are the days my heart hurts  
when I am called her, she  
when a pronoun becomes an insult and  
these are the days when I wish  
my mind wasn't so deadset against my happiness
that I could just "feel" girl  

these are the days every day
Arden Sep 23
I look at my chest the way I'd look at a wound
I know its a part of me  
I know its there  
but it feels temporary  
and a little gross
like I sliced my thumb  
on glass at 1 am  
my binder is a bandage  
and it's hard to take off
because the wound will open up  
And my back hurts wearing from bandage  
But it's so much better than  
Seeing where my skin splits in two
Arden Sep 23
There is a boy in my closet
The boy is friendly but stays hidden
When I look in the mirror there he is
I became jealous of who he is
He says he wants to come out  
I decided to ignore it
But the curiosity grew bit by bit
Until I could barely stand it
"CUT YOUR HAIR"
But when I went downstairs my unapproving mother stood there
The boy wasn’t at ease with what our plan began to be
Because in reality, the boy was really me
But all people can see is she
That part wasn’t cut out for me
I don’t understand the big deal if I'm a he
Arden Sep 23
You call me
She, her, daughter, girl
Shhhhhh…
You speak with a blind mouth,
Look at me, see me
She isn't me
Only a fantasy that you clutch
I'm not broken, I'm free

Long hair
lipstick
lace dress
You question me every time I show you my truth
"Are you trying to hide your femininity?"
No, my femininity is simply not my definition
Spend a day in my skin, in my cage
And don't cry when the words start to pierce you like daggers.

Shhhh… stay silent, don’t worry its just a phase
Now do you see the "She" just doesn't make sense
You speak to me but your voice seems distant,
Bouncing off and echoing
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