How cruel is it for God to give me wings.
Amongst all the other petty things?
And still bind me to the Earth,
Avoiding my death, same as my birth.
Three times I fell,
Three times I broke into hell.
A fourth one there shall not be.
No more, will the night listen to my plea.
As heavy rains poured from the stars,
I swore that this world would be ours.
My lies were too well glazed.
You left my insides completely razed.
These lungs can’t hold any more water.
My blood boils, and it’s only getting hotter.
Ice can hold only so much,
My soul is also, such.
I want to disappear and never surface
I want to wake up and not feel
I want to smile without an aching heart
Was this heart broken by me or had the world crumbled it's light?
I see the mirage of a future, a vibrant past but as I look around I see nothing but the blurry depths of the sea, currents pulling and pushing, water forcefully rushing down my throat, filling my chest as I struggle in reflex.
It was such a cold night, too cold to be alone.
I am a failure, one who'd given up on life and was given up upon and as my body sinks deeper into this dark abyss I prayed to God for warmth.
There were days I felt relief under the torrential rain, some, light headedness as sun rays kissed my skin. I was made euphoric with simple pleasures. And in that degree, I felt pain all the same.
I resigned to the sinking of my body and the lost of sight on this lonely path but just as much I was desparate for salvation.
With effort, I came up and was washed upon the shores. It was cold, too cold. Water came out of my nose and I coughed and heaved.
here we are again
the edge of the world
the streetlights far behind us
and your smile in the hazy dark
truth be told
we tiptoed out of our cages
bringing old notebooks and sleepless dreams
tripping into each other's laughs
it has been months since it was like this
the uncertainty of your hand on my wrist
hushed whispers in the dead of the night
and I feel weight slip off my spine
our feet carry us to the only place of solace that we know
and even in the weeks of forgetting
in the time I let the sea carry you away
we will always find our way back here
and you start telling me of his steady hands
I remember that yours were never like that
so I smile at the thought of you belonging somewhere
after years of wandering aimlessly
so you make sand towers like you always do
and I look for seashells like I always do
the sea is singing lullabies to the two weary souls
and my pulse is humming with it
you race me to the water
and the stars glitter as you wade through them
the wind whips our hair into a tangled mess of ink
and I barely reach you when you start to speak
you recite dead languages to my fingertips
all I can think of is the promise of a sweet death
your voice against my sea-kissed skin
and the only eyes that could drown me
we drag ourselves to the shore
shaking the sand from our hair
we get blankets to wrap around our shoulders
and I feel the corners of my mouth tilt up
side by side
all of the languages of the world dead to us now
as we breathe in the sweetness of escape
and our heads tilt towards each other
you ask me what I look for in someone
and I trace swirls into the sand for a while
because I don't know
and maybe I have never known
almost two decades of this fragile life
almost everyone I’ve loved only people of my imagination|
and I kid myself with the question
and maybe I’m just afraid of the answer
but I draw the constellations in my mind as I whisper to myself
Sometimes, days are a whirlwind,
Of possibilities, exchanges, people's faces.
Silently observing; energy stretched thin,
The sunlight sinks, leaving only traces.
You close your eyes after the day has decided to die down.
The weight of your exhaustion, so heavy, you could drown.
But before you have a chance to embrace the dreams that dangle above your head,
It's another day, and another whirlwind at the foot of your bed.
The silence is too much
I hear myself think...think...think
About nothing important
But I scour my brain for it
Fight at the little thoughts
Like how much water makes
Your cells over-hydrate and explode?
What if I replaced coffee creamer
With Windex tomorrow morning,
How much time would the ambulance take?
Would I be okay?
Because I don’t really want to die
But yes I do, for just a second
Bring me back to life
Defibrillators against my chest
Don’t shock me as much as
The silence, because it rings
It’s not even silent
So how can it be so invasive
I think about the consequence of
Lighting a candle and leaving
It there by my bedside all night
How quickly would I
Knock it down in my sleep
I’m so afraid of burning to death
Though I guess one solves the other
I mean if you push a burning person into a lake,
Say a witch tied to a stake,
Are you saving them,
Or does that make you a killer,
See she couldn’t swim up,
But at least she isn’t burning,
And am I the witch or the fire in this scenario?
Probably both, though I’m also
A lake because who else
Can put me down better than myself.
And I pushed my own damn self in
Because “I don’t need a hero”
Every feminist bone in my body screams
While I’m tied to the railroad tracks
How did I get here? Wasn’t I just drowning?
I guess I took a crosstown bus.
But I was the only passenger
Because it was completely silent.
I guess it was obvious to an outsider looking in
These rose colored glasses nearly blinded me
My personal psychic predicted down to the hour
I took it as a suggestion
And not the best lead i've ever had
I think an upstream swim is fun
nearly drowning is my specialty
Should I feel the sudden feeling of regretfulness? The fact I showed my bare self to you.
My whole being.
But it’s nothing but a memory now, one I wish not to forget. I can not contain the bitter screams pulling me down.
I haven’t been talking for awhile , possibly it’s the best to keep my cries locked up.
Oh I beg you dear love, do not forget about every special moment I had with you.
Is it wrong I don’t wish to love you?
I do not wish to care but I do. Yes I do.
Stop ignoring my cries , look at me. Look at me with those eyes, eyes that can stop thunderstorms.
Light brown eyes I wish to stare into. Don’t go for I am not ready to say goodbye. Forever