Reaching out into the emptiness
of my heart,
Calling out your name
in vain,
Why the hell had I wanted this?
Why would I ever tear us apart?

It feels as though there are two people here,
the one who acted before and me today.
I kinda know that I broke up with you
But it’s too hard to move on this way.

I feel such grief, sadness, loss and confusion,
And I feel angry at myself for feeling so,
It seems that over you I’ve chosen an illusion,
A beautiful bouquet of flowers, nothing more.

Even if it won't help anybody but me
It has to be worth it anyway.
Writing down how I feel within me,
How my mind is leading me astray.

I once thought that I found the way
That I knew where I'm going and why.
I thought, I understand and can say
What is wrong and what is right.

Turns out I again was wrong
Things are different, more complex.
After all I feel broken, alone,
And it has become hard to relax.

I am wondering when it is time
For myself to just fall and let go,
To be able to let my thoughts be
And to breath, deeply breath, on my own.

Instead I am feeling estranged
From this world and my thoughts
Alienated.
I am trying to grasp what it means
And I don't understand,
Feeling frustrated.

This is where this poem leads us
Needless to say into the unknown
And repeatedly one may have asked,
Is there really nowhere she can go?

Here I sit in the back of my van, in the corner on the side of the street;
I've been right here since 5pm, how the hours lapse in deceit.

Its been another 5 full hours that-paralyzed- stuck still here in this seat;
now as it pushes 10pm, I record this writing to  move  through defeat.

Studying car lights from outside- this silent still machine's Slow Flash
as the primary colors, of light's reflections, shift in their dance-like dash.

I'm more than done with this pit of fear,
overcome the paranoid gap,
all I need is to now pause, re-evaluate  
Exiting this trap.

To wrap it up in this conclusion
To reiterate the hours ceaseless delusion
Is to redefine isolations inherent seclusion-  with confident strength
Dispel illogic's confusion.

In a world so vast and wide,
Seeking answers, yet they hide,
In the shadows of my mind.
Paths diverge, which way to go?
Questions linger, answers slow,
Heart and mind in constant fight,
Searching for a guiding light.
Dreams and hopes, they intertwine,
In this maze, I seek a sign,
To find my way, to understand,
The mysteries of this land.
Yet in confusion, there’s a spark,
A chance to make a brand new mark,
For in the chaos, I might find,
A clearer path, a peace of mind.
But now I walk this road alone,
Since fate has taken you, my own,
Your memory, a guiding star,
Though you’re gone, you’re never far.
In the silence, I hear your voice,
In the darkness, I make a choice,
To carry on, though heart does ache,
For your love, my soul’s awake.
With God’s support, I find my way,
Through nights so dark, and brightest day,
Heaven waits, a promise true,
One day, my love, I’ll be with you.

Today was the first day of class.
You should have seen all the people.

Everyone couldn’t have had class, some of them must
have been gawkers, the types that slow to watch
flat tire changings and car wrecks.

Some were carrying maps - freshmen.
Like student drivers they clogged the paths,
drawing a few looks.

They gaggle together like geese,
Jeeezus - shut UP and get ON with it, freshies! I thought.
Not ungenerously - I remember being lost - back in the day.

I have class, myself - in both the intrinsic sense - of style -
and in the “research for credit” ‘check in on the first day,’ kind.

Still, we’re parading, and I’ve always loved parades.
My one regret is that there are no mimes or elephants.

ok.. poetry..
Stress is somewhere in my propinquity.
See, it’s known to stalk this vicinity.

I’m not a freshman, so it hasn’t struck yet,
but when it does, and it will, you can bet,
that initially, it will shake my tranquility
and end our start-of-year festivities.

It will creepily creep, destroying my sleep,
until I prove my scholastic resiliency.
.
.
Songs for this:
Violently Happy by Björk
Schoolin' Life by Beyoncé

I'm wary of my fatality and it feels more than a flaw,
You complete me and im scared
Nervous at the prospect of your darkness
Wary of your light
                 But is this happiness?
This feeling of adrenaline whenever I see your name
Even in my dreams
And my darkest fantasies
You are my only constant
And it's this fragility that's scares me
Only because its true

I should be happy by myself but I'm only happy when I'm with you.

A poem about gravity
I know he’s going to break my heart
I tell everybody that I know that it’ll come
I tell them, to tell myself
Maybe I’ll remember
Maybe he’ll run
Maybe I’ll run
Maybe just maybe, there’s a future but I’m afraid to feel that way.
Because
maybe I feel too hard,
maybe I feel too much, maybe I haven’t felt this way in a long time,
maybe that’s why I’m terrified.
I know it’s going to hurt, he’s already hurt me.

My walls are down, I know his are not.
I wish I could keep mine up,
but oh boy, it’s too late.
No relationship is ever certain
No love is ever promised
No life isn’t confusing as hell.
Always “love on me”
Never “I love you”
Hail, rain, warm nights, street lights, sunrise bedroom kisses, warmth, cold
- sometimes so cold, and Pleasure, and so vague,
social, no PDA, but then he grabs my hand and we walk together.

W T F is this, why do I want it so badly when I know it’s only gonna hurt me.
Why did I allow my heart to be open enough to be broken?
I’m still trying to put my own pieces back together, I didn’t and don’t need this.
But it’s truly everything I want.

Him, his black hole of a bed, those windows, those eyes that are **** galaxies.
They show so much, I can read them but not all of them,
sometimes they shift to a far off world that I have not been invited to.
But I want to know what’s going on behind those gorgeous galactic windows to a planet and soul that I will probably never get to visit.

Why, when I know, this is going to crush me.
Tear me apart in ways I know are coming,
Why do I come back and leave my heart on the floor, begging for more.
Why can’t I stop falling in love with a dark matter in the Universe?
Why does it already hurt but hasn’t even happened yet?
I am the light, orbiting the black hole,
Knowing full well I’m being ****** in,
And to my own detriment,

I circle it and am bracing for the inevitable-
But I’m also already ****** into his gravity.

Be unrealistic, congratulations!
You are privileged.
And think me wrong,
I am only a realist.
If you don't like the observational
It's because you fail to see
Things as they really are
And rather, how you'd like them to be.