you once drew me with your hand around my neck
told me weeks after with embarrassment and regret
a year later and now
if I saw that on her pinterest board
it would fit

i tie myself to her every blue move
then try to pull out,
unspool,
the knot in myself
so i
follow you both home
then bruise in the black
hide in the bush
you’ve been beating around
write my petty poems
swallow my love
feel the cold creep
the glossy warmth
you hold i now
cradle memory to my
red cheeks
so i
unlatch my tongue
from my loyal teeth
and
let the blood run
into someone else’s mouth
you know I’ve always seen in green

I'm embarrassed on some level
To still hold on to our memories
Not because of you in any way
But because I'm the one who left

I'm usually good at reconnecting
But with you it's been so different
I like to be open with my emotions
But I'm afraid to be this vulnerable

I think about that night when
I didn't look back as we parted ways
You thought I didn't care at all
But I was terrified by how much I did

We tried gaming as friends
And you bought me Pitch Black
I didn't tell you how I felt back then
Because I thought I'd just hurt you again

When we broke up
I told you I needed to find myself
While it probably felt like a lie then
It turned out to be the truth

I always hoped in my heart that
We'd be together again one day
And as bad as that sounds
I knew I wasn't good enough yet

If I'd have married you then
Instead of killing this on impact
I'd have disintegrated us slowly
And I couldn't do that to you

I want to tell you about my growth
About the therapy and my sobriety
I want to show you how I've changed
But it all feels so selfish

Because the truth is that
I wasn't ready to show up in 2015
And even though it's been this long
I never stopped loving you

We don't even know each other anymore
But these feelings won't go away
I doubt you even think about it still
Or maybe I'm scared it's just me

I've been torn over this for years
Although I trust how I feel
I'm afraid of what you'd say
Because you deserve only the best

And even if it makes no sense
I'm still scared to let you down

On scraps of paper
strewn about the house,
I catch a glimpse of your handwriting  
and it resurrects you from the dead.

Amongst the living,
I can hear your whistle  
as it echos in the hall  
and I remember how I thought that,
'one day, you would make a good dad'.

Amongst the living,
I forget for a moment
that you’re thirsty  
for my blood.  
and that dust now gathers
in the spaces  
where the blood used to flow.

Amongst the living,
I forget for a moment
that you’re haunting me.  
That you’re still here  
but I can’t speak to you.  

That your corpse still lies  
in the next room
Still.  
Tv blaring,
The smell lingers  
and it’s getting bad.  
my phone lights up with your name  

and I jump.

Amongst the living,
I remember  
that you’re only broken.  
I can see your smile
in my mind’s eye,  
Your freckles  
and how I used to count them.  
I wonder now
how much time I’ve spent  
staring at your face  
and how I knew our baby
would have those eyes too.
primal, astral, ancestral,
blue.

I loved you once
and for a moment,  
I remember.

Do you remember the lab safety rules?

1. Conduct yourself in a responsible manner at all times.

why did you call me drunk on the way to the mental hospital?
"You are the only one i can talk to. i miss you. i NEED you"
we are broken up.

11. Always work in a well-ventilated area

I am suffocating.

12. Be alert and proceed with caution at all times in the laboratory.

"i love you, im sorry, i miss you, i need you"
I love you too.

13. Dispose of all chemical waste properly.

I should have blocked you.
How's your girlfriend?

15. Keep hands away from face, eyes, ,,,,,

I wipe away my tears.
*******.


I never really followed the lab safety rules.
                                        .... maybe its time to start.

you looked at me
through half-closed lids
sleepy smile on your lips
my hand touched yours
swiftly exchanged the smoking gun
I watched your lips wrap around it
and wished it was me instead
if I could freeze time
it would be that moment
locked in the smoky room
and the prison of your mouth

do you remember when we met?
back in that crowded apartment?
dimly lit and packed together with no room to spare
some people wait
their whole lives for that moment
and all I remember is seeing that smile
at the corners of your mouth
but was it really a smile?

months later you flashed me
that same smile
at another house party, in another crowded apartment
where everyone knew that smile
light danced off your eyes
eyes that really knew me
gold and emerald glimmering back at me

we stumbled home in the snow that night
with the same glassy skin
it was then that I knew
how I felt about you-
it was then that I remembered that smile
that smile
that didn’t really look like a smile
but nonetheless
that smile everyone knew

i finalised my "divorce" today. well, it was a breakup. 2 years together, lived together, shared our cats, shared a life... all that. so yeah, it felt like a mini divorce.

and i couldn't help but notice how relatable the song "happiness" by taylor swift is now...

"all the years i've given is just **** we're dividing up"

he left the house a week ago. today he came by, and divided up our shared things.

"tell me when did your winning smile
began to look like a smirk?
when did all our lessons start to look like weapons
pointed at my deepest hurt?"

when i first met him, it was the stuff of fairytales - like most relationships. we shared some of the best memories of our lives together. but like all good things, it came to an end. over time, we became stressed with life's responsibilities. we became toxic to each other, and both made terrible mistakes. towards the end, it became the inevitable to end things.

"after giving you the best i had
tell me what to give after that?"

i gave it my all. we both tried our best. it just wasn't meant to be.

"haunted by the look in my eyes
that would've loved you for a lifetime"

how i wished he was the one... given any chance, i would've loved him for a lifetime. i miss him. i miss the life we shared. i grieve for the future we will never have.

"i can't make it go away by making you a villian"

but just because the relationship failed, it was still extraordinarily beautiful. i hold zero resentment towards him at all. no negative feelings. i wish him all the best in the future.

"no one teaches you what to do
when a good man hurts you
and you know you hurt him too"

these lyrics hit me the most...

"there'll be happiness after you
but there was happiness because of you"

goodbye, lover. maybe in another lifetime, our paths will cross again. but for now, i wish you all the happiness in the world. i will always have love for you deep in my heart.

The smell of rain
comes into the room with him.
My heart sunk to my stomach.
As hard as I tried,
I couldn't move.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze?

The sound of his voice filled the room,
and it blurred the rest of my life.
The smile left my face when I heard him.
There he was,
and here I go
I ran as far away as I could.
I had to make sure he was gone.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze?

But I can't fight,
can I?
He fills me with fear,
leaves me speechless in the worst way
makes me leave the things I love most,
just to feel safe within my own mind
As much as I may want to fight,
I can't.
I'm too scared

Fight, Flight, or Freeze?
No.
Flight or Freeze?