sleepless nights taunt me in the pitch darkness that mirrors shut eyelids and butterflied lashes,
the same ones we wish upon,
and wish away.
the hours tick on by and i cannot drift;
my mind accompanied by other things than dreams,
yes, you, too, my sweet.
i suppose is unhealthy for a lonely girl like me,
though i wasn't always this way.
when i found you after journeying through the beyond,
the nights were easy,
and i'd never wake in the midst of sweat and fear,
for you were safe.
a lifeboat for saving you kept rowing back to me,
and i'd come close to slipping under the water,
but i always felt your hand,
at the last moment your hand clasping mine.
and when i would open my eyes and throat above the surface
i no longer saw that dark of the night,
i saw you,
in your light you were everything.
Must hold on,
Closer, until, meld ontop of-
Body against, heat of body,
Holding on, to someone,
Someone I love - like a ladybug,
Like a lizard, so cold, just want,
Body heat. Just need reptilian comfort,
Drunk, cuddled, human to human,
Hold me. One sec more. One more minute-
Such strong arms-
Wrap around me, I drape across you
You don't mind? Do you?
Only us, no other, no one else in all
In all the city, the country, provence, world
Just us. So just. Please
Remember it was just us, once.
And you, you couldn't tear yourself away from me and I
I tried to slip away but now I
I can't move away for all the
Motivation in the world
Let me be a lizard
Let me be dependant upon your warmth
It's not my fault that I was born
in a barbaric land,
where there's no love and there's no god,
but hatred, fear and death.
It's not my fault that I have left
this land, my home,
where there was no hope and there's no peace,
but constant war.
And I won't go back to this place,
I won't come back,
where to love life is a crime,
where sinful's every breath.
It's not my fault, that they had chose
I'll let them be and I'll let myself
We were young, and in love
But the dark times crept in on us
And distance and work and stress grew long, gleaming teeth
And your despair swallowed me
That spark which kept us burning,
Still glows dim in your smile and in the tears gathered in
Your eyes and when I saw you last, as you held me tight,
I begged for an actual goodbye
But I never wanted a goodbye from you
I wanted to reignite a raging inferno
To bring our hearts home
For your love kept me warm and I never
Understood why you felt like going.
So here's to your stubborn "see you later"
When "we will see each other again", provided you weren't lying
Through your pain and my grief,
I'll bring a lighter, a match, a chance
My dear, that hope is the smallest, purest thing we ever had.
And my heart keeps it going, my fingers cradle the fire, burning
Burning my skin just to keep a door open to let you in-
No matter how much salt water I pour on the embers
This labyrinthine love is the cruelest, most precious thing.
for me to wish never existed.
too often I turn in hope
although I know your face
has long since deserted
these cherished corners
the flickering expectation
that propels me
to wander these streets
and wonder about you—
(Does he make you laugh?)
the fresh night air
of how i would open your dress
and warm your stone skin
on stolen nights.
at your ineffable
I retrace the steps
that we once walked
that wind down
to the window I would climb through
to find you,
and wade through
piercing fragments of ossified moments,
memories that fell into cruel oblivion,
Here in Mexico, I feel I can trace your photograph,
Paint you back into the frame with me
See you walking up from the Ocean, laughing and asking
Where I've been.
As if you'd never left.
I close my eyes when you are unkind.
I clench my fist when you are unfaithful.
I close my mouth when you are angry.
I scream when you are silent.
It's true what they say, opposites really do attract.
The girl that loves too deeply
and the boy that loves with his heart
but thinks with his manhood.
We never were meant to be,
but like two young lovers we fought to prove them wrong.
It wasn't until you lost your temper
and gripped onto me too hard that
we realised toxic relationships usually do start off like this.
Like how, I tell you I hate you while all the time loving you
and wanting you to hold me closer.
You take the knife I stabbed you with
and in return stabbed me even harder, deeper.
We go on like this for months, ripping
and tearing at each other's skin.
Biting and crying, slapping and punching.
I love you and I love you too,
so why won't we just work out?
Opposites attract they say.
I close my eyes when your hands of authority
raise with the intention to silence me.
Ouch, now that hurts
This isn't another poem about what you did.
This isn't about the past.
This is about now.
So listen to everything I say here.
I heard you got married in October.
I hear it was beautiful.
I wish you and your wife nothing but happiness.
I hope you both have great lives,
but that's not all I need to say.
I hope you are everything she wants and needs.
I hope you've changed.
I hope you truly light up her world,
and give her butterflies daily.
I hope you never, ever treat her wrong.
I hope she can trust you.
I hope you're faithful to her.
I hope you giver her all the attention a woman deserves,
I hope you have grown into someone she can depend on.
Because although I know she's the one you ran to,
anytime I didn't give you what you wanted,
I don't blame her.
And I don't want her to suffer.
I want her to have what you made her dream of.
Whatever you do,
do not hurt her.
Do not pretend marriage is nothing.
Honor your vows.
That is all I have left to say.
I just want the best.
Not for your sake,
but for hers.
Let this be your first and only wife.
Keep her as your number one.
Don't take her for granted,
and don't treat her like another one of your past girlfriends.
Don't repeat your past.
Don't screw this up.
I said I didn't want to talk
so I ignored you
I said sorry
You said it's fine
Ups and downs is what we had
The fifteen days with you were nice
We are over it now
You give me balance
Yet your surroundings are in chaos
I am my own chaos
I think of you at times
Hoping that you are safe
In the turmoil of Catalonia