This isn't a poem that I could write easily.

It is but a reply to a kind girl I cherish. That I hope she never reads.

On awful days like this I think of you, though I shouldn't.
The spiteful guy who knows you betrayed him.
Should the book of life be written, I would argue it's pages to say you betrayed me.
Lo, the poison spreads.

I can't help that you are human.
That you were broken over and over again by your abusers.
And hate these arms of mine for being one of them.
Lo, the toxin wears.

I am a tired man who curses those to whom he protects.
When you smiled at me, I felt truly alive!
I have gone too long without that smile. It is kept from me and these loving eyes.

Because these eyes are killers eyes.
This heart, will rise again.
And my soul will corrupt.
The price I pay for being a big fat liar.

And the pain I feel for loving someone for whom it is impossible to love. One disgusting hopeless narcissist to another.

---------Thoughtful Strangers letter---------

If we meet, I'd like to watch the sunset with you. And call you a pathetic woman with no talent whatsoever at finding happiness. And a ***** who is so predictable, I could tell her future looking into dog **** rather than a crystal ball. That I actually wanted you to save me from the disgusting people I called family. And that unlike you, I was enlightened to understand just why I have to think through everything in front of me. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs like you because I don't have the luxury of serving my own purpose of self-satisfaction because this body won't let me. That you broke my heart when these, my only pair of eyes made you feel afraid when I looked at you in my most loving gaze.

Now I look into the mirror and see something disgusting that truly should not exist. So before I die, never feeling the touch of one who loves me. I hope you suffer. Just like I always knew you would and wanted you to. I hope you die ******. That horrible future I see is a lot kinder than the hell I've been confined too. Trapped like a cockroach. With a beautiful heart that poisons everything it touches. And hurts every time it remembers that he has no friends.

I can only hope it's easier not to care.

you do not exist to me. in a world of shallow breaths and wordless apologies, you are a distant memory, barely a name in the wind, my aching bones every time it rains. every note in every song i can no longer listen to. i can hardly remember what my name sounded like when it was coming from your lips, slipping out from behind your jagged teeth, your poison tongue, it is so comforting to know that i am a version of myself that you never got to touch; that you never even got to meet. youre a tick in a mental calendar of days not to let myself be alone on. ive forced myself to believe that time and pain can breed nothing but wisdom in the hopes of convincing myself that ill come out of this on top but i dont know how to do that when you insist on making yourself a glowing beacon in the darkness of a wants to be, could be if youd let it be, almost there but not quite memory. i dont want to remember you. i dont want your ghost to linger. i dont want to hear your steady breath in my ear like a twisted reminder of what once was. what once was was a nightmare and i am finally awake.

you always said
"no sense makes sense"
and maybe you're right
but what will never
is the way that every time
i think i have you
i don't
as much as i hate to admit
you're my person.

i promise you
the pills you swallowed
couldn’t possibly have tasted
as bitter as the resentment
she must’ve felt
knowing you put your life in her hands

you could not ruin yourself
as much as you’ve ruined her

How do you stop loving him when you told him that nothing would ever stop you from loving him?
No matter how many times he broke me I built myself back up.
I picked up each piece, saying sorry in between.
I never stopped to wonder why he did not help me.
I ask him:
If you love me, why do you hurt me?
He tells me he doesn't hurt me
He tells me that he doesn't break me
He tells me that the shards I am recollecting were placed by me.
I was blinded.
So careless of me to believe that I was the reason that I was shivering and shaking in bed, sobbing uncontrollably.
You refuse to take the blame.
Every time that I wept from your words,
the problem was the tears streaming down my face
not what caused them.
I want nothing more than for him to feel the way I did.
Just for a moment
For a brief moment
I want him to feel all of it.
The feeling that everything are you is falling apart.
My world, spiraling out of hand.
How could you do this to me?
Every night was sealed off with a
"Goodnight I love you."
The closure that kept me comfort.
The promise that he would be here for me when the sun rose.
The promise that no matter what
he would be by my side.
Reckless.
Everything I did was reckless.
How was I supposed to know that letting him back in would get me hurt over and over again?
The warnings from all my friends.
I'm not stupid.
Deep down I am sure that I knew the consequences.
No matter how many times I gave in it still felt worth it to me.
I became weak just to have the security of him.
He was my world.
How easy it is to give in to the constant temptation.
I'm sad.
All the time.
This numbness is becoming unbearable.
Was it the same when I was with him?
Why do i vaguely remember feeling better when I was with him?
The constant ache in my heart,
The empty feeling in my body.
I want to get out,
but he won't break me again.