I often find myself drawn back to the familiar.
The way you make fun of me and it makes me laugh instead of hurts my feelings.
The way your green eyes are always in my mind and your stare doesn't creep me out like everyone else.
The way your lips felt against my neck.
The way your hands felt around my waist.
You would think this was about one man, right?
But, I am torn between two lovers of I have taken in the past.
Two past lovers that seem to continue to come back to me over and over again.
One will continue to ignore me until he figures out his path in life.
The other will continue to flirt and joke with me because he and I are not meant for each other.
Yet, my heart wants something from each of them.
They both offer me endless choices in this world.
One I want to be with for the rest of my life.
One I want to be around me the rest of my life.
What it all comes down too, is who will win the race?
When they finally come to head for the final match in this constant up and down battle for my heart--
I will be the only loser in this race.
Alone, sitting in a terminal,
adjusting your sunglasses
to see the reflection of that
girl’s ass as she walks past
Alone, states away, all work
and no play, but mischievous
endeavors and misinformation
are coming back to bite you
Tax fraud and evasion, lies
on your resume and breaking
the promises to keep your lips
sealed and your pants zipped
When they don’t just repossess
your car and call your bluffs
but take away her white dress
and replace it with handcuffs
Prison isn’t for boys like you–
If you last a day, I’d be impressed
cause all the blue-collar boys will
make you wear the wedding dress.
Why did you
message me
call me
meet me
fuck me
if you had another
waiting for you
yearning for you
caring for you
loving you
We were done
We were the past
Not the present
Not the future
Why did you
make up lies
about
distort the view
about
paint a false picture
about
your "man"
unclaimed man
poor man
innocent man
for over a year?
That gentle creature didn't deserve this.
Because of you, guilt won't silence its rage in me.
I wanted you
even when you
walked away.
I wanted you
even when you
went to someone new.
I wanted you,
even when I let go
for you
to come back to me.
What about him?
That new man.
The innocent man.
The clueless man.
He didn't know about
your
sugar-filled words to
me
while he lay with
you.
He didn't know about
those silent nights where
I
was buried inside of
you
while
he
was fast asleep.
He didn't know that
you
still recalled
me
while holding
his
hands, giving empty
promises.
Leave the past in the past?
Well.
Why didn't you?
Why am I outraged for
him
if
he
got what was
mine?
Why did you ruin him,
and me,
and still turn to
others?
I'll tell you why.
You were never his,
but you were never mine.
You were never anyone's.
He loved you blindly.
He kept trying.
You broke him apart.
He still trusted you.
He gave his all to you.
You broke him apart.
He was the one for you.
He didn't know.
He didn't know.
Bile rises in my throat.
He didn't know.
You're beautiful on the outside
Which is easy to deceive
Your beauty on the inside
Is like a rancid disease
You thought I treated you unkindly
Though I gave my heart to you
My love was real and gentle
Now my love is gone that's true
It is you that broke our love
Our friendship you refused
I will never forgive you for this
I regret that I forgave you
Letting you feel satisfied
It's you that I hate now
The one I truly despise
I now hate you so deeply
I will never forgive you again
Sadly I love you
Though I hate you
With all my heart
its been years since i've seen you last
& seeing your face
created so much fear
of my past coming back to haunt me.
i think you've come for revenge,
to let your rage come through
or maybe just clarity.
& you tell me of all these sweet
but sad things.
of how you never let me go.
& for a moment i felt powerful
for having such an effect on you
even after all i've done.
& then i realize
all i've done.
& i cry for hours.
my heart has come alive again
just to drown.
am i to blame again?
have i done this to you?
did i really destroy your life?
i had prayed from a distance
that you would find love
& be happy with someone
who could love you
like i never could.
am i to blame for your misery
even though i wasn't there?
but i can't fix it, i can't fix you.
i moved on years ago
& i've found a beautiful love
i've felt guilty for so many things,
mountains of guilt for my actions
but i've never felt guilty
for not loving someone
until now
Do you think of me in the middle of your day?
Does listening to a certain song trigger your painful memories of me?
Do you see a certain image, a certain brand, a certain place and I appear inside your cluttered head?
Do you think of me when you're alone in your room?
Staring at the darkness of your ceiling, reminiscing my crooked smile and abrupt laugh?
Does it cause a rippling effect inside your chest
Remembering all the perfect memories we're created together?
Do you regret what you've done to me?
Knowing we're strangers and that's on your end of the blame,
all fingers pointed towards you.
Do you regret what you've done?
Knowing I will always deeply resent you until my last breath,
Knowing I will never call out your name like I use to before,
Knowing I will never smile and bright up the moment I see you walk in the door,
And knowing we'll never, ever share that type of love we once had before?
Do you regret what you've done?
Do you regret losing me?
You said you had the song "Dirty Little Secret" stuck in your head all day. It's been in mine now, too, for two days. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We're friends now. Friends again. Of COURSE I never stopped loving you but it was six years ago I've moved on! I really have though. I'll always love you, but I have moved on. We're friends now! It's just a couple drinks and then you go home. A drink among two friends who used to be in love. We've seen each other over the years since then! It was fiiiine! ... in a bar surrounded by ten of my friends... why wouldn't it be fiiiine!... to have a couple drinks with your ex while his girlfriend is out of town it's INNOCENT. But then you missed the last train and we were both kind of drunk and I'm not sure at what point I found you mostly naked in my bed and I asked you "what color are your eyes?" as I looked into them when you were on top of me between kisses. "Hazel" you said. "I remembered them being blue." "This can't happen again, she can't know, you can't tell her." "I promise I wouldn't do that to you..." I really won't. But. Why did I remember your eyes being blue? While I was looking into them, for a brief moment, maybe I loved you again?
I thought it was love
You kicked a hole in my door
Or was it my heart?