I'm sorry I fell in love with you
I didn't ask to
I didn't ask to enjoy our random conversations at two in the morning
I didn't want to love hearing your voice at school
I want the scent of your cologne fill my nose while I sleep
I didn't want your hand to feel like a glove when it met mine
I didn't ask for this
I didn't ask to be hurt by you
I'm sorry I fell in love with you.
Maybe one day youll finally see me.
See me for the starry eyed, still-believes-in-magic type of girl ive always been.
The girl whos 21 and scared of thunder.
The girl who cries in the dark because its like nothing can reach her.
The girl who just wants to love.
To be loved.
Maybe youll finally see me as the girl who gave you her all.
The one who held you when you cried, screamed, and tortured yourself.
Maybe one day youll finally see
That im still helplessly in love with you
They day I met you was they day that my life changed.
I thought that it changed for the better
Because I thought you were the best thing in it.
But soon I realized that you only wanted me for one thing,
And that was for sex.
If I didn't give it to you, you would get mad.
You'd tell me you thought I didn't love you enough.
And then sometimes you would force me to do it and threaten me if I didn't.
Though most of the relationship was awful,
There were some good times.
I'll always cherish those memories, but I'll simultaneously cringe
At the thought of you.
I realize now that you were in my life to teach me a lesson.
That I shouldn't be so willing to trust someone.
That I should do what I think is right for me.
I shouldn't give myself away because someone is mad that I don't want to.
You taught me what not to look for in a lover.
You taught me how to be weary; how to read people.
I thank you for that.
But I don't thank you for invading my thoughts all the time.
I don't like that you're dating my best friend,
As I don't believe you've changed.
I do not want her hurt.
But, in order for me to be happy, I must rid myself of the thought of you.
I must say goodbye to the thought of you.
I will not allow you to plague my mind and make me weary.
I will not allow you to poison my thoughts and make me mistrusting.
I will, however, allow you to let me do what is right for me.
By forgetting you, and letting myself learn to trust again.
By forgetting you, and letting myself learn to love again.
By forgetting you, and learning what it feels like to truly be loved.
So, with this, goodbye to the thought of you.
i only learned value
after i picked
through my wreckage
he left me as a broken house
derelict splintered wood
i fed myself softer things
rebuilt myself on a river
and married the earth
She cheated on me
With a guy that
Could speak Russian
Then he left her broken hearted
The lady I am falling
In love with
My heart once again repaired
1. Imagine you’re in an oil painting, hung up by just threads of string
This painting is of a beach, off the coast, sea breeze smells of wet sand
Everything’s magical here, the sky burns brighter and his smile seems more relaxed
Here is where I first met his demon
1. They say “it’s sexy when he’s rough.”
So, it’s sexy when his fist seems like it’s about to break my nose like glass
Or is it hot when the grip on my arm will be a small
Unnoticeable bruise tomorrow
His lips drip toxins like absolute vodka that I’m forced to drink and
His eyes no longer shine like the oil painted sky,
They look like two pits of blue flames burning down a church.
1. When I was backed into a corner, I pretended the walls were cylindrical
And the corners were curves
Matching the body, he presumed I didn’t want and
“make sure to write your food down.”
1. It was the first time I feared my prince,
Of the one who said “your hand is only fit to hold mine” and
Morphed my brain into a puzzle piece for his game.
2. A time when new beginnings occur
The sky lights up like a child in front of birthday candles and
A midnight kiss starts the year off right.
Another brawl, more angry words,
I told him to get away but his ears must have been deaf since all
He heard was “come here”
2. His nails scratched marks into my skin and
my stomach turned in anguish against his chest
when your angel sheds its wings and
the horns appear, don’t pretend they aren’t there.
My tears streaked down on my evening look but
His eyes singed them up,
Licking each one like sun flares on Mars
And I found myself curled up in a ball of doubt
2. “it’s over. I’m done. I won’t deal with this anymore”
but I made him this way, I turned his baby blues into
terrible twos that grew into his teens.
I made his smile turn to an upside-down rainbow and his arms
into steel gates.
3. Winter wonderlands, where children play make-believe games and
throw harmless snowball blows.
He, wrestled my arms and bruised my heart,
Snatched it from my chest and gnawed it with barred teeth.
I think, demons come in many shapes and his was icing on a
His was the ring on my left hand that curled around my finger like
Barbed wire and held snug like a chain linked dog.
3. think of a mother’s whisper, a dad’s sweet song, imagine the sounds of laughter
now ignite it gasoline and you’ll get his voice.
Cutting deeper and deeper into my torn up, fucked up mind.
3. It’s hard to hide in a car with seats greased by leather
Find somewhere to avert your eyes while his
Hands clutch your chin but,
Not in the way that’s “endearing”
No, the way that makes you turn away if seen in public, if seen here,
If seen anywhere.
3. “This won’t happen again”
“I’m here till the end”
“I love you baby”
“Please just come here”
“I would never hurt you”
3 times it happened, 3 times I stayed.
These dark sounding piano keys can play so loud in my ears but not loud enough, the crackling chip bag of you is too much, it's unbearable.
I swim deeper down until I can graze my palms against the smooth sand but I still fill your hot sun on my back, burning me, how terrible.
I make poutpurri petals and push your pungent smell out of my room and I spray Miss Dior and mist Dior until I can't breathe but you're underlying.
I inject myself with vitamins and visit every doctor and demand they help me, it's physical pain not mental, but they can't help me, so I'm dying.
He loves me
How caring I am for him
He loves me not
How I'm addicted to his lips
He loves me
How I don't separate him and his friends
He loves me not
I'm not as hot as his ex
He loves me
Because I am not his ex
He loves me not
The way I get angry when he does something dumb
He loves me
Because I'm truly down for him