I know
I know I handeld things the wrong way
I know I fucked up
and I knew it all along

and yes I could have changed it
and I wanted to
but in this very second I didn´t knew how

I know I am not a good person
and maybe I will never be
I know I hurt you
and I am sorry

I will try to change
I know it won´t change the past
and it will never repear it

but I have to change
because I know I am bad
I know the ugliness inside

and I wish I wouldn´t see it
I don´t know why
maybe to protect myself
maybe because hate is easier than the pain
maybe I wanna hurt others the way I was hurt
maybe because I just couldn´t believe
believe someone would actually love me

which doesn´t make it anymore right
I am sorry
for everything

This is my apology
my realisation
my truth

I will always regret it
I just want you to know that.

I used to think
that we were born empty
and someone else had to make us whole.

I used to believe
that he would complete me
not leave me empty and cold.

The boy stripped me
bare and took everything
from me just to fill himself.

I became nothing
but a shell of the girl that
I used to be, before he emptied me.

I used to think that
he loved me and he was doing
this to me out of care and devotion.

I was wrong to think,
to believe that he caged
me out of love and admiration.

Each hit
and verbal abuse
felt like love to me.

He told me that
he was scared of losing me,
so he lost his mind when I didn't answer.

He loved me
too much to let me
do a n y t h i n g by myself.

If I didn't have him
I would end up alone,
who else could possibly want me?

I believed
each and every
lie that he told me.

-is it really abuse if he says he loves you?

I hope someday soon
My heart will stop
Asking about you
For my eyes to see you
In faces of strangers
And my limbs to untangle
From the ghost of yours
That left a long, long time ago
I hope my heart will one day
Be able to forgive me
For giving it away to someone
So reckless and beautiful
And that my body stops aching
For the scars you left
Are constant reminders
Of all that was lost
Once upon a first love

Did you see my ex
she looks like a mess
thrown back hair
and sweatpants
reminds me of the days
we spent in bed
longing to stay there
but knowing we'd eventually
fall apart

beautiful catastrophes
i see it in your half shaved head and hazy thoughts
i see it in the way he avoids my eyes

he looks away not in reverence or disgust
he hides in an attempt to avoid the inevitable

you look me in the eye but say nothing of importance
an existential stalemate of ignored texts and empty promises

together we build hierarchies
those of us with enough spine to dominate a conversation become the ruling class
a ruling class which sits empty as we stall
waiting for the conversation that we wish to never initiate
an exchange full of misplaced lust and lost love

i took you and him to the same winter celebration
i watched the fireworks bathe you in coloured light
as the wind blew over the fountain i shivered in your arms
hoping that you would finally understand why i let my gaze wander to your lips
and so i stood and waited, brushing ash from your hair and smiling gently
and i stood beside you as you failed to understand how desperately i wanted to kiss you under those christmas lights

it's been almost a year since last christmas
and now i will sit between two pairs of piercing dark eyes
and wait for the warmth hidden in those eyes to melt my iron will

as if he knew
the peculiar pictures
behind my eyelids,
sleepless in sleep, sucking bruises
so bittersweet
to dream of you still
i hate you so much
and not at all, all at once

never trust him again
and he... he still misses me
he trusted me—he TRUSTS me
he trusts my steady quiet and
my shaking hands and
this and that of me
i missed him, i think
maybe, distractedly
but not really

only in a lie
and a liar isn’t me but
he makes me speak them so
since my honesty would hurt him
earnest and afraid, my admission:
i do not want to touch
his emotions
and so to curb the awkward truth
i missed him
and none the wiser

I don't mean to be annoying
Creating this kind of mess
When you buried me you left your shovel in my chest
When you buried me you forgot to untie my legs
How dare you when you know I love to live fast
Oh sorry for a sec I forgot I was dead

I don't mean to be annoying
But you left me in distress
This shadow we created isn't give me a rest
The way we left things black and white
Is like a snake running in and out my chest
I'll haunt you,I'll give you nightmares
Babe can't you see i'm in distress
Free me give me my freedom
So I can die a peaceful death


I don't mean to be annoying
I don't mean to cause dement
Are you sure are you sure
You didn't mean to cause my death?
You were right ghost are real
I'll be in every nightmare of yours
Free me i'll leave
Don't forget to pick your shovel from my chest
Let's erase this dark shadows causing me unrest

what is meant to be will stay
losing people is okay.

i can look at our pictures and laugh
remember the happy, funny moments
days and nights we spent together
even though we don't talk anymore
ignore each other
you were an important person in my life
it's not your fault neither it's mine
i appreciate every memory I have of you, with you

i don't miss you, we are still in our memories, and that is enough.