My past haunts tirelessly
There's a lot of it at 40
Also less time for recovery
I wish it was "get some therapy"
Type of easy
I wish they'd stop blaming me

©2024

I wasn't bred from good stock
Or birthed with any hope of a shot
Can't imagine that coming as a big shock
Couldn't possibly hide the rot
A thick scar dug into both wrists visually express what verbally I could not
Flesh color replaced the black rorschach ink blot
To clarify, a stark reminder was all I got
KO'd after a turned cheek an awful lot
Like knock knock
Who's there?
Just a nobody,
A lowly placeholder of a single census spot

©2024

Feeling forced to
Live through
An impossible scenario
I'm someone who
Finds it hard to
Find anything but static on the radio
All this blue
Is nothing new
42 seasons of the same show
A tandem dive done solo
The sign says shallow
Margin for error narrow
But ***** it, here I go
'Look out below'

©2024

Life is less of a journey
And
More of a tale of survival
You
Get the worm if you're early
But
Sleep keeps the shallow mind beautiful
So
Take a pill to be worry free
While
They fabricate the next rival
Don't
Put to much importance on friend & enemy
Because
Neither can be considered reliable
Trust me

©2024

I don't dare to look in the driver's side mirror
Objective issues seen seem closer than they appear
The warnings always been there
In black print on the bottom from corner to corner
Trust me, I've spent most of my forever
Glued to the rearview mirror
I wouldn't say one over the other is safer
Both lead to the inability too steer
Leaving the inevitable outcome to each pretty clear

©2024

I'm not gonna sit here and say
Why it is I feel I'm not okay
I'd be here all friggin' day
And you'd only lose interest anyway
Distracted easily midway
Forgotten before the rising sun of the next day
So, if you don't mind, I'll just take what I was going to say
And be on my way

©2024

I have a lot to prove
I have even more to lose
If I forgot how to move
Would you risk a mile in my shoes?
Much of my heart I've had to forcefully remove
Just to hide the fact that I'm affected by the abuse
And maybe convince myself I'm of some use
A far cry from the sorry excuse of a life as a light fixture hanging for a noose
And even though it seems to always be me against myself it's still lose lose
So I hoist a white flag but my mind isn't interested in a truce
And ignores my pleas too please just cut me loose

©2024

Pay attention to what lengths one will go to
And still find themselves incapable of making it through
No push or pull through, both options taken off the table on a path of glue
Acknowledge the mental blocks that are constantly fought 1v2
Never told, so never knew
Sold a bad bag of repackaged goods labeled NEW
But these missing brighter days have an expiration on the carton too
As well as an enforcement of a curfew
That's never been required to pursue,
Yet they still do
While most never notice the touch of darkness lurking in their happy places too

©2024

•••
Welcome home
•••
Heart of stone
House of glass
Fault is not mine alone
Karma credit blown
It happens fast
With no receipt shown
The last to know
A forced outcast
I didn't get here on my own
A house of glass
And a single stone
Another broken home
•••

©2024

Life can seem like a nightmare
I'm afraid of all of the time
I release my flair in the night air
Noticing all the fear is of the same kind
I more than recognize the familiar glare
The eyes looking back at me are mine
Aware that I'm unaware
Fair or not,
Witness my paradigm

©2024

My pain chips away at life
With no precision, it isn't nice
White knuckling a standard butter knife
When it's time to go all the way, it won't think twice

©2025

Dangerous fleeting thoughts
That return far too regularly
Create the impenetrable bars
That keep my mind in captivity
That keep me afraid of me
That make me my own worst enemy
If I had a penny
For every
Scary thought
They'd be what buries me

©2024

I'm not scared
I'm terrified
Every step forward
Fears are verified
Every glance over the shoulder
The past gets magnified
Every breakdown in the corner
Bad strands of DNA amplified
I'm afraid if I stay on this ride
I'll be taken out with the tide
Created by the oceans I've cried
Ignored 'cause I say, "I'm good" but I lied

©2024

Can't break
This figure eight
So as of late
I've been leaving it up to fate
To reveal a gate
Before my plate
Folds under the weight
Transforming me into living bait
For thoughts of hate
Directed straight
At a lone inmate
Inside this prison-esque estate
Skull bone real estate
I was forced to create
Became a red flag trait
And looking back it's probably innate

©2024

Absent minded
Amidst an unfamiliar zone
Heading head first
Into the great unknown
Like a dog
Chasing a leaf
That's being chased by the wind
Into the road

©2024

Recklessly I cruise a plateaued plane
One I call memory lane
Which in hindsight was kind of insane
I'm not sure what I was looking to gain
There's not much other than pain in the ones I retain
I know this, it's beyond first hand eyewitness obvious,
Even prior to being forced to meticulously explain
Becoming increasingly familiar with that ruthless domain
Thankfully some truly cherished living snapshots remain
However, most have broken free from their neglected, rusty chain
And I'm left cursing the bane of my existence,
While, in plain sight, the flashbacks that cause my eyes to drain
Swerve in and out of my lane
Joy ridin' my misery or being metaphysically driven to the torture of the mind and soul,
Instigated by a fraction of a fractured brain
That to this day isn't clear on what's it's actually sayin'
Can not seem to refrain from immersing myself in self inflicted pain
Forgotten or slain?
What's it matter if the outcome will be the same;
Me, laying motionless in front of a raging train,
Leaving only a crime scene stain
One that'll go as unnoticed as it did when it flowed through a main artery vein
'Till any and all evidence of my unspectacular,
Super localized reign
Washes away in the rain
And I become nothing more than a name

©2024

Hope is out on another untimely vacation
Causing a slight hesitation upon recognition
'Cause this isn't the first occasion
Even when only halfway paying attention
I know what's comin',
Probably should have run
For all the good that ever done
Keep an eye on the horizon, just south of the setting sun
You'll hear the invasion of a negative persuasion
Long before they let you see 'em
And you'll notice, there's no record of a single recorded win
From all the way back since I don't know when
And all I can confirm is that there's never been

©2024

Comedy and tragedy never seem to be distributed evenly
Not sure destiny would even recognize me
Nor I it honestly
But could it, would it, should it be able too avoid me deliberately?
Surely if I coulda, I woulda and probably shoulda taken it more seriously
I know this is my millionth apology,
That's not lost on me
I'm so sorry that I happen to be so sorry
If you could find it in your heart too forgive me
It'd be
Just another thing that I envy
Endlessly
For all of eternity

©2024

Let me hear,
Please tell me,
Try to make clear
That you know everything
Or anything for sure
And I'll make sure
To reassure
That you sir
Are a lier
'Cause even the son of the maker
Says his own father
Is the only one to know for sure
When the rapture
Will occur

©2024

I sit down to write
A particular piece
I don't want to keep writing about pain
My muse and I fight
We don't find any peace
My desire buckles under the strain

©2024

It truly is a shame
It's a shame that this evil never left after it came
The residual, dry back shot residue leaves a stain
After every time I'm sccrewed and they remain
Those ones don't rinse off in the rain
The rain that came all the same
Leading me to aim my point at and then claim
That I'll never see life the same

©2024

I'm failing
And I'm doing it at twice the speed than I'm falling
It's daunting,
Can't shake this loser feeling
Always ******* in dealing
With a mind that reeling,
Emotions that are spiking,
A heart that's spilling,
A soul depleting
And thoughts sent spinning
It's not even something I'm hearing
At least not outside of this in house courtroom hearing
That's taking place every morning,
Going deep into the evening
No,
There's no co conspiring,
No colluding
Or hitman hiring
It's self inflicted self destruction,
Without instruction
And while it's death defying
It's still an emotional beating
To the point I begin wondering
Am I still a living,
Breathing,
Human being
Type thing?
A strange bit of questioning

©2024

Find me in the shadows
Cowering behind broken windows
Obsolete and useless
Like old Nintendos
Single celled amongst the minnows
Fear the stage, cancel shows
Tattered armor from the battles
When oh when
Will I get to chalk up my first win?
Who knows
I mean
Who knows?
Been trading blows
With good and evils
Gods and devil's
A perpetual looser revels
With a fat lip and broken nose
I lie about it so it still grows
As time slows
Behind a cold wind that blows
New highs
New lows
No,
Reoccurring lows
Kept on stepped on toes
A blade allows me to watch
Oxygen turn life from blue to red
As it flows
And drips off the edge
Of pointy elbows
Not caring where it goes
Never telling what it knows

©2025

How is this a bold statement?
"I don't give a shiit
And I'll continue to refrain from giving a shiit
'Till your shiit
Impedes on my shiit"
What part of that shiit
Do you not get?

©2024

I don't like how much I cry
But I feel every drop
They are such a constant
I don't know if it'll ever stop
I also don't know what to say
All I can offer is a bucket and a mop
Due to the fact I'm the cause of each one
A truth I have to cop

©2024

Still stuck on the fence
Forced to traverse a world that still doesn't make sense
I could embrace the ignorance
But I don't want to take that stance
So I find myself stepping on toes during this awkward slow dance
I wouldn't call it happenstance,
Not a chance
The culprit is this toxic, three-way romance
Between anger, my dark passenger and everything I can't forget to remember
Nothing to see here folks,
At least not at first glance
And that's enough to keep me in this trance

©2024

It takes to much to live
Collected from the start
'Till the wick can no longer be lit

All I have left to give
Is this mangled mess of a heart
And a broken spirit

Passive or aggressive
Lifes and bodies fall apart
Death is all we inherit

And death is possessive
No retort
Take the hit and grin and bear it

©2024

I close my eyes
To visualize
A romanticized
Big picture prize
Then realize
To my surprise
It's all been lies
And I have to comfort my soul as it cries

©2024

I'll have nothing if I lose her
If I stay I'll lose myself
So I'm forced to ask myself
What is the better future?

©2024

Everyone thinks,
"It'll get easier when I get older"
Then you get older
And you find no one's there,
No one to share,
No one to say,
"Hey,
I stay because I care"
Or
"Let's get through this together"
Making it harder than ever before
Not wanting to remember
Not even a single chapter
Though at one point,
When I was younger,
I think I use to matter
I don't know why
But those are always the memories that shatter

©2024

~••~••~••~
You
Attack my every thought
You're
Another voice in my head that taunts
You'll
Label me an idiot savant
Not a debutant to this type of rot
~••~••~••~
I
Have nothing you would want
I've
Suffered through a ghoulish plot
I'll
Do things that you should not
Feel fear haunt every thought
~••~••~••~

©2023

Have you ever had one of those moments?
You know, like;
when before you can begin to get a sentence in, you see the other person's eyes roll.
when words of wisdom sound arrogant and cynical.
when you know you're being far too critical.
when your obnoxiously focused on the most simple wrinkle.
when your little issues seem to flip to psychosis and drive you mental.
when your own thoughts threaten to send you to a hospital.
when tomorrow feels like just another obstacle.
Those moments when breathing feels impossible
When contemplating turns suicidal
And dreaming becomes unbearable
That special moment when it sets in that this doesn't feel like living,
This feels more like survival
No?
You've never had that feeling of being out of control,
Lost in a downward spiral?
Where you swear,
This mountain used to be a molehill...

®2024

How can the absolute fact that
"I'd do anything to see my son"
And the sinking reality
I've not made enough effort to see him
Exist in the same plane of existence?
A fuucking paradox
An impossible duality
But here I am
Standing in that exact reality
And the answer is me
There's no possibility,
Not even probably,
That he hasn't noticed the same
And that truth haunts me
Daily and nightly
Destroys absolutely
And completely
Why doesn't that push me?

©2024

I'm not afraid of dying
I'm afraid of the shame from trying

©2024

I'm almost most certainly about to break
It's only a matter of time but I hate the wait
Holding that familiar panic feeling I can't shake
Leading to a heated, one sided, debate
Pitting good faith against bad take
They're getting more alarming at an alarming rate
Basically arguing that everything's but what's fake is fake
Completely oblivious, a bad trait if you know what's at stake
Because BAM, in a flash, I awaken at my own wake
"Excuse me, there must be some kind of mistake"
But I must admit, the casket occupant is concrete proof I'm far too late

©2024

I guess my calling is free fallin'
I realized about halfway back, this parachute will never open
Lost all hope right then
Still forced to listen to a double backed friend playing pretend
As they defend a shallow position
But sure, I'll humor you, go ahead,
Tell me how exactly I am suppose start again
While I dangle here in suspended animation
Somewhere around the middle of my end
And on the day I meet the ground I shall call it friend

©2024

"I HATE YOU!"
Screamed loud enough for the world to hear
Stated twice just to make the statement clear
It hurts but I try to always remember
That she will for sure be sure
To apologize for it just a little bit later
Believing whole heartedly that should expunge her
And wipe clean the ledger
However,
What's leftover after the vocalized slaughter?
After the anger?
Invisible wounds from the verbal dagger
Hurt immensely as they linger
They never heal ever either,
They never scar, only scab over
Still raw as the next battle gets closer
The one I see in the windshield drawing near
Is almost always identical to the one in the rearview mirror
Only changing minor details here and there
This is what I get for asking her,
"Hey beautiful, what's the matter?"
It's a cautionary tale, buyer beware
Be aware,
Take note of what you receive when you care
Is it truly worth staying and fighting through the cancer?
For the moment let's set aside the endeavor of defining "forever"
I first need to know what the f**k happened to "together"
How can having a partner feel so singular?

©2024

You hate me?
Great
'Cause I hate me
Wait...
Did we just find common ground?

©2024

If I gave you all my air
Along with every single moment I could spare
If I exposed my everything, choosing both truth and dare
And encouraged you to take more than your fare share
If I were to wear my heart on my sleeve and allow you to rip and tear
If I gave you an entire life, without a care
Offered to carry both of our crosses to bare
While letting you name the time and place and going straight there
No argument here, I swear
If I submit before warfare and declare you ringmaster
If I kept the days I don't tell you exactly what you want to hear rare
And was able to turn a blind eye to every extracurricular love affair
Cause, ya know, buyer beware
If I pretend I'm not fully aware that you rather not be here
That you just take joy in being the puppeteer
If I could manage all that would you even care?
...could I ever consider it sincere?

©2024

Hold on
Wait
I already have to much on my plate
Can't go on
Not at this rate
I'll inevitably be crushed by the weight
I'm on
Rebuild eight
At least my life doesn't ever deviate
Will stumble upon
Checkmate
Continuation impossible in this state

©2024

Love and hate
Both require devotion, more than enough to challenge fate
Both known to be used as a powerful bait
The realization of either can often land a dollar short or a day late
Both can rear their ugly heads at first sight, on the first date
What one is the strongest trait?
Disney shows one over the other but if you were to look into it further you might see the actual history reveals it's no checkmate
What one will ruin your life faster is up for debate
Obviously not a hot take
Show me someone saying only one of 'em can make your life great
And I'll direct you straight to a liar just trying to narrate some amateur bs to placate
To hide the primate, trying illustrate the opposite of it's namesake
Investing in either one, one over the other puts a lot at stake
And don't be fooled
Both love and hate will walk hand in hand with you to heartache
I can't sit here and say I hate to love nor do I love to hate
Just forced to live the second half with no heart to break
The phrase make it or break it plays seconds before I notice I broke what I made...
...once again...
...for fu©ks sake

©2024

I'm not afraid of death
To be completely honest
I'm more afraid of life
That part has been the darkest

Tomorrow drags behind it
Anxiety of the unknown
And leaves it at the doorstep
Of the temple ruins I call home

A heart does not regrow, no
Where pieces are ripped out and stolen
Damaging words and moments fill in
What's left stays threadbare and broken

If I've said it once
I've felt it twice
The thought of nothing
Has long enticed

©2024

You'd think I requested these
Soul crushing insecurities
That break me down with ease
Like I selected to have bad news to come in threes
In a world that doesn't care about the word please
Closed a blind eye to the forest and the trees
Can't smell my own $hit on my knees
With an A to B through none traversable seas
The promised paradise is vacant properties
What I have are useless keys
And facts with discrepancies
That leaves a heart at absolute zero,
A deep freeze

©2024

No minds eye
No dream of a brighter night sky
No minds eye
Trouble seeing through most any lie
No minds eye
A lack of one inside but yet I still cry
Can't go face to face or eye to eye
How friggin' broken am I?

©2024

Finite compassion
Finite love
Finite reason
Finite recognition from above

Finite beauty
Finite realism
Finite money
Finite working system

Finite education
Finite brain cells
Finite investigation
Into the finite comprehension skills

Finite common sense
Finite self preservation
Finite self defence
Finite coherent mission

Finite greatness
Finite days to live
Finite forgiveness
Finite directive

Finite relevance
Finite cooperation
Finite presence
Finite revelation

Finite patriotism
Finite rules
Finite fixing 'em
Finite scruples

Finite healing elixirs
Finite work on problems
Finite cure backers
Finite beneficial algorithms

Finite action
Finite lessons learned
Finite reaction
Finite your turn

Finite grandeur
Finite effective comedy
Finite healing laughter
The same can not be said about tragedy

Finite answers found
Finite coping skills
Finite middle ground
Finite deserved kills

It's obvious I could go on and on
But I just dawned on me that I've always had
Finite fuucks to give

©2024

Open up you say
Sure,
I'd love too
If even just for a little something new
A simple change of view
Although to keep this bit of honesty true,
I should tell you,
I don't necessarily care for this solo walkthrough
I'm a little tired of the empty echo in this venue
But,
Allowing someone in isn't worth another self worth issue
See,
One can be a lonely number, but so can two

©2024

Hope and reality
Those two often don't mesh
While need and want
Battle the sins of the flesh
I question self preservation
Tracing these scars made fresh
I find myself reciting,
"Comparison is the thief of joy"
As I  hold my breath up to the rest

©2024

We have more in common than you might think, from way back when, we've all been a slave to the system
This isn't some All Life's Matter nonsense to gum up progress, it's just an explanation of the MO of our nation
It went from skin to the dollar amount you bring in, it's my history too, no appropriation
How is it that I don't fit in being that I'm part Native American, must be the other part of me that's an Irish man

They stole you then stoud you and demand you comply to tilling stolen soil using the same regurgitated lie
You were forced to work, we were forced to die, you deserve reperations but unironically so do I
You look at me and just see another white guy, I'm a perfect example that history can't always be seen by the naked eye
Never forget the why, we're being forced to hide the cry as they rush to rewrite themselves as the good guy

Sectioned off ghetto and reservations put in place for the preservation of the notion only the white survive and thrive
Every second of our life the truths been uncovered and streamed live, no need for a deep dive
But they still claim to be blind to the red stained streets from this perverse and nonconsentual mass blood drive
Their stories never jive but the hive mentality rules, allowing bigotry and hate to always revive

I want to Hulk out, often feel I'm about too, but what's that gonna do, it'll only prove we're as savage as they say
They are waiting for the avalanche to fall any day so they can justify putting us away, barking at us to just sit and stay
Is there another way, how can we drag this from out the shadows and into the light when there's only perpetual grey
Allowin' us to say what we gotta say hoping then we'll go away, how many marters will it take before we're no longer prey?

Question charitable blankets, pass on the boat ride, how we suppose to trust when every handshake is a lie certified
A bona-fied villain willin' and able, fully capable of genuine genocide screaming gods on their side
If there is a god and he does come back he better watch his back or run and hide
They lack morals of any kind, replaced with blind pride, he'd undoubtedly be crucified in a fashion not only justified but glorified

I know you can't fight hate with hate, that'll only perpetrate this disastrous fate
But all we hear is wait, the time is never right but always near and once it's here they'll be glad to open the gate
But if we keep rattling the cage they'll have to keep pushing back the date, so we wait
But how much do they think we can actually take? Maybe they're just waiting for us to finally break

©2022

I cry
Recently quite a lot
Some tears fall with no why
Most are no longer fought
Like rain from the sky
Weather wanted or not
Emotions flood the eye
The mind an impossible knot
Man card revoked, no reapply
I push through all for naught
Every try
A long shot...
But it's all I got

©2024

A free captive
Informed I don't know how to love or live
Only examples have been showbiz
Emotions in cursive
Not easily or easy to forgive
No clear or ulterior motive

Rage and violence consume absolutely
They savagely rip apart and rearrange me but not outwardly
I've been known to be self destructively passive and cowardly
Maybe a lobotomy would stop the calamity

Never experienced supportive
The consequences massive
I've been rewritten as aggressive
Stabbed in the back, I supplied the shiv
Caustic and corrosive
This is no way to live

Good fortune such a rare commodity it falls apart too easily
Troubles squeeze so completely and never leave me
What I am and what I'm supposed to be create this rigid dichotomy
I hope the something that's gotta give doesn't end up being me

©2024