Walking by gracefully,
Flowing with the wind,
Uplifted by the breeze.
Even the most trained eye wouldn’t see his worn paper exterior,
The slight tears at his edges.
These are his marks.
The everlasting marks of being crumpled,
over and over again by the pressures of life.
Like an origami master,
He skillfully folds himself to adjust.
Fold after fold after fold,
He continues to shift and shape until the crumpled being he once was,
is no more.
Oh paper man,
Who walks by gracefully,
Who flows with the wind,
Who is uplifted by the breeze,
How many more times can you fold yourself until your now brittle paper rips apart?
Please be cautious when reading. If you feel you'll be triggered in any way, please don't read. Thank you.
Done with trying too hard
Done with sleepless nights
Done with disappointment
Done with being a disappointment
Done with hearing their voices in my head
Done with seeing visions of my abuse
Done with being around people
That just don't care
I know they care
But my brain tells me they can't be trusted
They're like everyone else
I avoid "everyone else"
I'm done with my anxiety
Done with my sexuality
Done with my gender
Done with my PTSD
Done trying to pretend I'm happy
When all I've wanted to do is cry
But crying would make others uncomfortable
And doing that in the past led to peer abuse
I'm done with my brain going on tangents
Done with having a constant smile on my face
Even though it's fake
And everyone knows it is
Done with heaving after a panic attack
Done with my abusive visions becoming reality
Done with feeling nothing
Done with being anything
Done with breathing
Done with living
Because at this point
What is there to live for?
"Smile, quit 'pretending' you're depressed."
"Don't speak unless spoken to."
"Paint your lips and cover your eyes,
this way you will be liked."
"Stop being a rebel,
nobody wants that."
"Be grateful for the clothes on your back."
"You owe me EVERYTHING,
I could have left you alone."
"Stop removing yourself from the family."
"Stay out of trouble."
"Don't hang out with THEM."
"Go to church."
"Don't put on dark makeup."
"Don't raise your voice."
"Do what i say,
no questions asked."
"Don't back talk!"
"Give nothing but your best!"
"Surely you can do better then THAT!"
"Stop being so... distant."
"Your a freak,
but if you don't hide it,
you'll NEVER be loved."
"Be home on time."
"Do your work."
"Get a job."
"Don't get caught."
"Don't you sass ME!"
"keep your head down,
and just MAYBE you'll be lucky
and not end up alone."
"Don't give your heart away."
"Friends come and go,
so leave before they do."
"DON'T QUESTION MY AUTHORITY!!"
"Keep your thoughts to yourselves."
"Your opinion doesn't matter,
what would give you that crazy idea?"
"Hold it all in."
"Wear this mask created by society."
"Act like a lady."
"Your getting awfully chubby,
go for a run til you drop."
"Stop eating so much,
"Sit up straight."
"Hold your head high."
"Take care of your siblings."
"Stop reading and put that damn book down!!!"
"Take your headphones out."
or I'll give you something to cry about."
"Don't butt into my conversation."
"Stop coming to your siblings aid."
"you are so annoying!"
"Don't bark orders."
"Quit being so lazy."
art is a waste of time."
"Don't write all of these awful poems."
"Don't let them see you cry."
"Come to me with your problems!"
"Don't keep your siblings secrets,
STOP PROTECTING THEM!"
"Even if they give me no choice?"
"Are you REALLY going to be the kind
of girl who lets them decide for you??"
I was planted amidst the weeds
where feuds fermented
amongst stronger and taller trees
where time tormented
the night sky has fallen upon me
burying me deep
in my own soil.
Graceful still grows within me;
like a dancer beckoning the room;
I am a flower in full bloom.
I'm stumbling like a toddler in a room.
My hands are on my sides plane-like in the air
trying to give me some balance, to keep me from falling.
My feet hurt and are clumsy, they're not used to this.
I'm using my father's shoes.
I'm wearing them to feel like an adult,
like one of those old humans who go and live an adult life,
but my father's shoes are too big for my baby feet,
no matter how hard I try, they just don't fit.
But I keep doing it.
I'm not alone in this room,
There's no way I would be doing this just for myself,
maybe at the beginning, when it was fun.
My family is staring at me.
They are all expectators.
Of this crazy show I'm directing,
Half thinking I'm cute for pretending to be one of them.
The other half's just waiting for the moment I trip and start crying.
My father's shoes are too big for me,
This adult mockery is not for me,
Just as I realize about this.
I never thought I hated change, but I can't even stand cents
and it made no
I thought I always hated others who hated change
because they didn't allow others
My friends, are those people.
And I believe I hate those who hate
because I'm afraid that
I will change
and they'll leave me.
I've seen their friendships break apart because of
and I've also seen the sky become day
because of change.
Change in myself is the change I fear,
and if I ever do change
will my friends still be here?
I don't know what to say,
My mind is racing almost everyday
It seems to me like we're all the same
A bunch of teenagers in their angsty phase.
I tried to learn, I tried to understand
I tried to remember all of our studies
But the thoughts of who lives or dies
Barely leaving me behind.
I also tried to live, I really did
But as times go by it gets harder than it did
And as we all try to do the next deed,
We have forgotten of the things we need.
I remember what my father would say
That it is easier to study than to work all day
But it looks like another trap
For me to study another wrap.
As I try to do the assigned task again
I am reminded of what I needed to gain,
Happiness which seems to be gone
As I walk this path undone.
But aren't we all the same,
A bunch of depressed and anxious kids
Trying to not be lame
Indeed a position we always blame.
I wish they'd understand our state.
That it's not just another phase
That it is truly a problem we can't face
And it is most definitely not just a teenage angsty phase.