if you were to ask me right now if i still loved you
i would not be able to answer
everyone who has asked me to this point has gotten the same answer
i don't know
maybe i do but in a different way
i have no time to really assess if i still do
you'd think after a few years
declaring to all the world that i don't anymore
you'd think that i mean it
that i am sure now of what i say
but there are moments that i question myself
is everything i've denied actually true?
there are days that i silently wish
hundreds of thoughts rushing to try to become the one i deem best
scenes i could probably write but deny myself the chance to
i might never fully admit it but there are so many things that i want to tell you about
like how my day went and interesting facts i found and that funny thing that happened
like how some people stress me out and how i'm almost always angry and the feeling that my heart is giving out
like how i miss you but i know that i can't keep a conversation going
like how i want to cling while i'm also stepping away
and on those days i understand
that what i want to talk about is mildly intriguing
barely enough to last more than an hour at best
that we are both busy and too preoccupied with other matters
almost drowning in a sea of responsibilities we cannot abandon
that some things are better kept to myself
because i know that they are of no importance to you
and sometimes i fear
that you feel the same way about me
there are days that i want to keep trying
i have no idea where that could take me
if any of it is worth my time and my exhaustion
but i still try
still rack my brain for anything to say
still try to find common ground when already we are bored of each other
still stay up to talk even as my body groans in protest
still support the things that you do and the choices that you make
still understand why you shut me out when all i ever did was let you in
still try to arrange meetings just for us so we can at least converse without the distance
and on those days i don't get much
i try to make excuses for it but i'm starting to lose ways to go around them
because no matter how many times i try i find myself bearing more weight than you do
i have learned to know when to stop initiating conversation
i have learned that we are more different than we made out to be
i have learned that i stay up far too late for a reply that will never come
i have learned that my support isn't what you are looking for
i have learned that you will never let me in
i have learned that i will be waiting for nothing in the agreed meeting places
there are days that i want to cave in
i want to tell you of my hurt and hope that you can comfort me
tell you about how hard it is to breathe sometimes
tell you about the burden i should stop pretending i could tolerate
tell you about the how it's gotten worse these past few months
tell you about how i need something, someone to cling to
tell you about how there are hard weeks that make me want to be held for a long time
and on those days i close myself to the world
choosing not to tell you any of that
choosing not to tell anyone that
because everyone else will worry
fuss over me and try to convince me that things will be better
because i know that you won't
and i don't blame you
i have been difficult and confusing and i seemed so intent on not healing
but it would have been nice to know that you will be there for me
trying to, at least
there are days that i want to forget
completely put in the past and never remember
but they always haunt me
always try to remind me of what was done
like how you forget everything until the very last minute
like how you put certain things before me time after time
like how i let you choose even when it hurt me
and on those days i knew how to accept
i will always forgive even with the lack of an apology
because who am i really to you?
who am i to demand attention, to demand time?
i have no right to it, that much i know
so i forgive again and again
always having hope for the next time around
trying to drown out the voices that say that i am little more to you than something occasionally important
because i know that it isn't true
you can still remember little facts about me even when i've forgotten that i ever told you
you can still see me in so many things that you always bring them up to me
you can still stand by me as i make decisions that are particularly hard
you can still talk to me despite the rift i caused
you can still say that you are immensely proud of who i've become
and sometimes, i think
you, who fought to save us, save what remnants of what we used to have
you, who never hesitated to tell me i was important whenever i doubted it
you, who would surprise me with small gestures that i would remember weeks after
you, who found my stories amusing when very few others did
you, who would read everything i wrote and believed in me more than i could
and sometimes, i remember
that i would probably go to the ends of the world to find someone who can be there for you
listen to you and understand you and remind you to rest
support you and give you feedback and get you smiling as much as possible
someone to know all the little quirks and all the things that make you who you are
someone to stay unlike the others who left
i remember that they asked why i wanted to do that when i could be that for you
i remember answering that there are things i cannot be for you and that there are things you cannot be for me
i remember saying that you will always be that light i want to protect
for you may surround yourself in shadow but i know of the flicker in you
and there are things that i can never be sure about
like the best times to talk or how to predict reactions from you
but i am sure of one thing, at least
i am sure that i will keep you
and that i will try to make what we have better than what it is now
i still don't have a clear answer for the question
and i guess i will never have one
for now, i hope that all i've said will be enough.
I wish I could stop shaking.
And as I sit here, curled around myself,
holding myself together,
I wish someone was here.
Well, maybe not just anyone.
There is a certain someone that tends to
creep into my thoughts at this hour of the night.
But not in a voyeuristic way.
I just want him to hold me.
Just to hold me,
to sit with me.
To feel the pressure of another,
valuing my fragile humanity,
keeping me warm,
holding me together.
To stop the frantic nature of my pounding pulse,
that I feel though out my entire body.
Not to make it stop.
I do not want to die this young.
Just to make it slow,
so even the smallest motions,
do not feel as though
I am getting ready to run a marathon.
One time you did hold me,
and I hadn't been held in such a long time.
I was almost desperate, so desperate,
for the human touch,
and you obliged.
I am not ashamed to admit
that just like everyone else in this world,
just like any other human.
That I have wants.
That I have needs.
And right now,
holding myself together,
under the weight of the pressures of my own mind
and the world around me.
If I had a wish
that could be granted right now,
I would wish that you would be here.
just for a while,
Sometimes I am so sad
and so lonely
Today I'm just afflicted
and just miserable
maybe I'm too emotional
I just want to be held
now so badly!
I hate this loneliness
I suck at it really
You make me feel better
and make me feel your love
I need some love probably
Please, I want happiness...
This lonely life is just boring
So I need your love, beloved
Do you ever feel
how much I love you
Would you love me anyway
I would hear you say...
Held by two
Standing on a ledge
Shadows behind edging closer
Sounds whisper past my ears
I close my eyes and feel the rush coming
Held by two
The rush stops
The sounds silence
The shadows step back
Held by two
One a friend
One my life
With out both the ledge looms
The sounds rush and the shadows push
Held by two
When I look in the mirror
I see a face that's afraid,
it shows why I procrastinate.
When the time comes
to jump up and go get it,
the butterflies in my stomach
give me cold feet and I forget it.
The second wind is never
stronger than the first.
It's a losing battle inside,
let off the throttle and the
insecurity steers me off the road.
My speed depletes,
my feet won't move
and I'm paralyzed.
We meet; we meet so many times in each era as love transcends the flowing line
Sometimes all is well and on others it is fury and anger as love crashes all around
Each time I see you in your new disguise, it matters not as mine eye pushes on
There will be others first, but when I spy you, I know you are the one for me
And each encounter brings a feeling of place and peace, as I realise you are found
But for all I know you, there is hesitation on your part to recognise the truth
And so we ebb and flow, as do our encounters until I have to leave once again
Then as I close my eyes for the last time knowing I will see you in another guise
Knowing our joining will be new, yet with a feeling of regret for what was once
So our love will build a new, and I will protect you through all of time as before
Your innocence is so enticing and like a heady drug, so I cannot let you finally go
Trapped forever with my love for you, committed to the crest of a rushing wave
No end in sight, or ceasing of our ardour as I fight to hold you safe in my arms
Then one day it must end as time turns to no more than dust as light goes out
And for us..? Will we transcend, or stop and wait for the next train of thought.