You’re so deceiving and crude,
You whisper lies into my brain,
And convince me its the truth.
You're are persistent and rude,
Your silver tongue cuts like a knife,
And you weave doubt with ease,
With an artful craftsmanship
that sickens me to the core.
Why do you seed such things in my mind?
Leave me to question everyone I know,
Make me believe I’m unloved.
You are a master designer,
Have everything laid out,
To slowly drive me insane,
One bit at a time.
Are you tired yet?
Of causing me to fear for my life?
Are you tired of keeping me up all night?
When will it be enough?
Will you ever leave me alone?
Or will your attacks be as persistent
As waves crashing against
The ever withering stone.
I have given you a name,
As to identify your game,
To know when these thoughts come,
They are not my own.
But the scary thing is,
I try to convince myself your separate,
But you and I are one and the same,
Intertwined so tightly I don't know where you start and I end.
These thoughts are real,
While you are make believe.
So I will confusingly converse,
With you in my brain,
Until I feel so insane,
I can't keep things straight in my own head.
It's so twisted,
The way you make me feel,
Like somedays, you're my enemy,
And others, my only friend.
At times I feel like I have you under control,
Or at least in the back of my mind,
And yet when it all becomes too much,
And I isolate myself from this world,
You take a grip of my brain,
Of my emotions and thoughts,
And though I will fight tooth and nail,
I feel you grow stronger,
With each passing day.
I'm so afraid that you will reign over me,
And I will merely be a passenger on this ride.
I don't know how to stop you,
How to keep you in check,
I don't want to go back,
To living like I was,
Listening to your voice,
Telling me to starve myself,
Telling me to walk for hours on end,
Telling me no matter how hard I try,
I will never be enough,
Never amount to a single thing in the eyes of my family and friend.
I'm terrified of what you say to me,
Because I can't stop debating,
Whether there's truth in your words,
Or just more of your endless lies,
That constantly stream through my head.
I don't even know if you're real or not,
How would I tell the difference?
What would either even mean?
Yet I can see you so clearly,
Right there in my head.
I'm more confused and scared,
Then I've ever been before,
Giving up seems so much easier than fighting you.
No, I can't think that,
Get out of my mind.
I don't know about tomorrow,
Or even the next hour,
But for right now,
I'm taking back control of what's mine.
I'll tell you one last time,
Just leave me alone,
There's only room for one in my brain,
So it's time for you to go.
Did that scare you?
Intimate you at all?
No, of course not,
You don't quite work like that,
Yet it made me feel better,
Even if it was just a minute,
I guess I will see you again tomorrow,
Just to clarify, Ruby isn't an actual person, or at least not a physical person (as confusing as that sounds). She's that voice in the back of your head that tells you-you're not enough. She’s different for everyone, and for most people, she’s manageable. But for me, she's raging out of control. And I hate it. I hate her. I hate everything about this, so instead of exploding from all of this, I'm channeling it more into writing.