We hadn't heard from him for a year
He was destroyed
He looked unhappy
He was in the waiting room
Facing me
Full of guilt
He had really changed
He no longer took care of himself
He didn't even dare look at me
He just stared at the ground
It was sad
Sad to have been in a passionate relationship
Having a child with this person
Spending so much time with him
And now
we're complete strangers
As far as I'm concerned
I feel no pity
I know that when I really love someone
I'm capable of ruining their life
Especially when I feel betrayed
Today we were in court
He wanted access to Liam
Our son
It's a short step from love to hate
He dared to pick on me in front of everyone
And yes
He really has lost everything
And sadly I know he still loves me
But he makes me wanna puke
He made me lose confidence in all men
I doubt I can trust anyone again
I'm a believer
I know you have to learn to forgive
To be a good person
I try to do my best
But when it comes to my son
I pull out my claws
The day he's a man
He can see his son
Amen

Is it a person or a place,
A thing whose soul I can never know?
A warrior howls with the wind
in the trackless wild.
Or a peerie lad running through sand
on St. Ninian's ayre?
A maid swimming
in an unreachable isle
or the luffing of sails
in the harbour at night.
An expanse of heath
with a bird above.
A person or place
That I'll always love

Do you prefer space, or the deep ocean?
Or the void at end of the world
where the ocean was before
it turned to salt? Or all of the above?

Me, I prefer the all-out sprint to the edge
where the toes abandon the sun-warmed planks,
the infinity of just existing in air, a moment
before the infinity of just existing in cold water.

There is boundless freedom only found
constrained to a minute's unreversed decision.
There is endless wisdom only gained when lost
to the great unknown, unwritten verities.

There is uncanny comfort in this pastel wind
over gray land, in the unconcerned moon,
in the one thing you don't even think about until
you need to find where you dropped your keys.

In reality, "all of the above" is the correct response,
and you can with joy fling yourself into the abyss
of any unfathomed mystery, any new creation
to discover whether you will float, or sink, or swim.

Or we could just spend the day together
at an art museum, leave your jacket and keys there
on the benighted beach, hold hands, and jump
through the wormhole at the center of the galaxy.

I know things aren’t sunshine and rainbows, that I often overlook things because I want to feel something other than emptiness or sadness. Change it to something else—for someone to understand me, for someone to see me, like I’m looking through glass. To feel some sense of comfort rather than the loneliness I often feel inside.  You call me these sweet things, like a tune of lullabies, and act differently other weeks, like you didn’t. It always leaves me so surprised.

To be human is sometimes being fearful of the unknown—
in a world where malevolence walks among us, where some
are openly evil; yet the most terrifying are those who cloak
wickedness behind an unsuspecting face... those I fear the most!

The love you believe they hold for you is an unknown
The truths they profess to share is an unknown
The appreciation they have for you is an unknown
The value of your value to them is an unknown
The picture of a non-public character is an unknown

And if there are facets of your being, to those you say are close
to you, yet they feel unknown – you were never that close!

Open doors, yet stuck inside.
Come and go, I don't care.
But the pain,
an unknown ache in me
weighs heavy.

Like a ghost wandering lost,
I move with invisible wound.
Some days it hits harder,
Just like last night.
Just like today.

This lonely, silent hollow ache,
I don't know why I push everyone away.
It’s just another day.

I can't relate, I can't explain.
Nothing feels real outside,
Nothing makes sense inside,
It's heavy.

I wish I could figure it out.

I’m not some ******* up *******
Wanting to suffer
And insult myself
For the

Sake of it—

I just sit around and. Regret

Because why would I make the right
Choice while I can

“?”


It’s an endless loop
That I can’t break out of,
It’s an endless loop

That

I can’t cope
With the consequences
Of my actions

And it’s not like I want to
die.

Maybe.
Somehow.

I know my death won’t solve all my problems.

When daylight settles onto the back window. Right through the little crack, it tears itself apart into an array of color, splayed all over the hardwood floor. Outside is nice and lovely, winter grabbed its coat last week and signed off on the year. I haven't gone outside yet, I'm afraid that if I do, I may never want to come back in. What if the sensation of a new spring grips around my feet, pulling me toward the soil. What if we accidentally let ourselves fall so far into a new ground, that we begin to root and grow. I stay sitting at the table right beside my thoughts. Someone said something about change once, but my throat tickles every time I try to re-introduce myself. All this to say, I'm not afraid of the spring or what it might bring, or how sweet its fruit. I don't want to open the door, because I worry winter's still standing on the other side. Before I knew it, it would say, "I think I forgot something" and settle back in with us. A fresh sheet of snow clouds would blanket the daylight, and all its colors would fade. I shake off the chill. I guess I'll stay here, and look from inside out.

Sometimes, I look out at the world
and wish for something more.

Sometimes, I look out at the world
and wish for someone more.

I long for something out there
to make me
the vision of myself that I want to see.

But roads will wind and twist and turn.
There’s no way to go back,

I fear.
No way to change the person I’ve become.

A million regrets,
a million setbacks,
there’s everything that I would change.

I don’t know everything,

I don’t know anything,

all I know is I’m me.

And maybe

that’s all I need.

I love the vibes you give me
I love your many sides
I love how we barely know each other
And we already fight for one another

I love how this feels very new
I love my insights about me and you
I love how I am ready to let go
I love our relationship-flow

I reject fears, insecurities, too many thoughts,
I reflect sometimes, putting feelings into words,
I know we both know how deeply disappointment hurts,
So we're afraid to lead each other astray

But at the same time, we're so curious,
How far can we come,
We want to believe in us,
Because you know, nobody knows...

Is it delirious for us to find our way?
Isn't it obvious that we would love to stay together?
All the obstacles, if we keep believing, will they even matter?
All the opposition that comes and hurts,
It's only words.

Nobody can tear us apart but our fears,
And trying to control is the best way to lose all,
Floating, trusting, warming, lusting, dancing, in smiles,
Loving, time flies,
This is the way,
Now is the state,
And if we're meant to....
Then you know, we will stay.

<3