Dear anxiety,

i know you still cling to me
like clockwork, you never fail
to show up,
control my every move,
like a puppet and its master—

pulling the strings

making me look at my life
through a mirror,
yet I'm forever scared—

to lose you—
old friend.

i walk around in a haze,
but you're there to comfort me,
a static noise i can't turn off

old friend—

i can't sleep without you
sleeping beside me,
sending shivers down my spine,

i feel you touching me,
with your cold breath.

i shiver - I'm scared—
of what you do to me.


but i let you stay.

you influence my speech,
put words in my mouth—
that i didn't want to say.

make me stutter,
’cause i can feel you

clawing at the door—

to let you in
when everything seems calm

i always let you back in

i ask you to leave,
but you make me stutter—

You poison me—

and i end up
begging you to stay

you know you're my weakness.

you may burn everything to the ground,
everything i have—
but i can't get rid of you—

i always hear you calling my name
answer it in a heartbeat, old friend—

you understand me and comfort me,
I'm addicted to the feeling of drowning,
with tears running down my face
I'm addicted to the ghost inside of me—

i hate you
but i still let you in

i regret it.

i stopped feeling
and started accepting—
that you're always here,
you're part of me.

Please be gentle
It is delicate
It has broke for many times
You see the scar on the left
It is from her fist love
And this one right in the center
It is from her family
Please be gentle
I know it is not much
But that is all I got

The same girl with the most extreme opinion
draws her lines in sharpie.
Won’t speak to anyone
who colors outside them.

I remain her friend
because my spine is too loose
to hold true under weight.

She keeps saying
“If you disagree, you’re part of the problem,”
and I justify our friendship
by telling myself
that holding still,
keeping quiet,
lets me hear
past her static.

But somewhere underneath
it bothers me
that I don’t stand up and say
what the **** are you blabbing about,
you idiot.

It feels like a bulge
under my jugular notch.
That pressure when someone’s talking
and you want to speak
but must wait your turn.

A tingling, burning sensation
just behind the sternum.

If it had looks,
it’s the flame of a candle
someone just put the lid back on.
It slowly extinguishes,
leaving smoke
to fill the vacuum.

I’m scared.
Scared I’ve been too vulnerable.
Scared I trusted too much.
Scared I’ve gotten my hopes up.

I should have known by now
nothing this good is ever real
Nothing ever has been.
Nothing ever will be.
And it’s time to accept that.

I have always been disappointed,
since I was a little girl,
and somehow,
I have made peace with that.

But this time,
this time I want it to be different.
I want it to stick.
I want you to stay.

I’m sorry I love too strongly,
too loudly,
too much.
But there’s something about you
something I can’t explain.

I have never felt safer before,
and yet,
I have never been more terrified.

I’m scared I will let down all my walls,
let you in,
only for you to look around
and decide you don’t like what you see.

I’m scared I’ll scare you away.
I’m scared you’ll be like everyone else.

I’m scared.
I want it to stick.
I want you to stay.

STOP; Take your clothes off, it'll be okay, I swear, I'll climb on top
DROP; I don't want to get naked, I'm innocent! I refuse, please stop!
& ROLL; No one will believe you, you're too young;
And they will look at me and think "he's way too old"

STOP; Do as your told and none of this will hurt; I'll be gentle, now get on top
DROP; I don't want to be under you, I don't want to be above you, please, stop!
& ROLL; DO AS YOU'RE TOLD LITTLE GIRL, I'll treat your body like a piece of gold
None of it will hurt if you just obey! But I don't want to be on your pole!

STOP; STOP FUSSING, turn around and lay on your stomach;
Take your shorts and pull them down, if I do it, I won't stop
DROP; Why are you doing this to me?? What did I do to deserve this? PLEASE STOP!!
&ROll; I'm getting sick and tired of listening to you cry and whine,
So shut up and do as you're told!

Been through this with so many different men, I swear they're all the same
I told people, but no one listened because I was too scared to give up their names
So now, I suffer with complex ptsd, and undiagnosed adult ADHD
nightmares that wake me up and cause severe social anxiety,
Forever broken, forever wounded, never healing, forever ******* up mentally
I became an addict for the longest time because of this abuse, especially sexually
I was self harming, trying to overdose, trying to run away;
But with nowhere to run, and no one to tell,
because no one believed anything I had to say

I'm healing now but only as a recovering addict
I turned lesbian for a while and that only covered up the pain
With a woman I really didn't know who she was, pretending with a smile
Swore to myself that I was done and over anything or anyone with a ****!
But here I am, finding myself loving someone who took me away from all this
Someone who treats me like the person I deserve to be, the person I need to be
So how come I'm trapped in this mental spiral of all my wrong doings?
Of all my past relationships and all my past abusers?
They wreck havoc in my mind like the sinking titanic ship
Oh god, those nights where I just wanted to hang myself with my very own whip

STOP; Don't let anyone take control over you! SCREAM AND SHOUT STOP!!
DROP; Don't let someone tell you that it's okay, it's normal, it's fun,
KICK THEM SQUARE IN THEIR NUTS AND RUN WHILE YELLING HELP HELP HELP!!
GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE HIM STOP!!
& ROLL; NEVER ONCE AGAIN WILL I BE HUSHED, SHUSHED, OR THREATENED NOT TO TELL,
Because everything that's in the dark eventually comes to light,
and that will be the day that these stories come out and are told!!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

im getting better
but im scared for the downfall