I'm going insane
Stuck in place with nowhere to go
And the she-devil on the way
My sanity left with the two I had
One alone and the other away for the night
So I sit and wait
Until someone saves me
From what I know will happen
Reminding myself to bite my tongue
And hold back everything
She'll be gone soon
Then you can hide from the world again
Run to your room and close the door tightly
Hopefully this will all be over soon
And someone will find you alive
I'm sitting underneath a bridge.
It's very old; almost 200 years old, to be exact.
And while I sit under this bridge, the Earth erupts.
It shakes violently.
I know I shouldn't be under this rickety old concrete bridge,
but I seem to find myself not wanting to move.
The water drips from the ceiling
Onto my face and neck.
The world around me appears to be crumbling down,
and all I can do is sit here and watch it kill me.
I was only 13 when I was put in life threatening danger.
I had to stay up every night waiting for my dad to come home from his second shift job.
I had to learn how to shoot my dad's rifle, disarm and detain, and knock someone out long enough to get away safely.
"Where were the adults," you ask?
With me. My step mom was with me.
But I could barely keep her from hurting herself, so I also had to be the adult.
Dad's gun was kept on the coffee table next to the couch where I slept.
Always within reach.
I've seen my dad beaten and broken.
He was supposed to be the protector.
When we moved away from that place, the people who were trying to kill us followed.
And shortly after we moved, a day after to be precise, they came into our old apartment. Kicked down our old door with their weapons and guns.
They were looking to kill us. All of us.
Me, my 2 week old brother, my dad, my dogs...
We moved to East Troy, in a small 2 bedroom apartment.
They took out my dad's truck mirrors, followed us to Waukesha,
followed us everywhere.
We had our own personal stalkers.
Finally, two years later, my dad was out at the Kwik Trip down the road a ways.
Craig or Crispy or whoever was there.
He saw my dad and punched him in the face. Right inside of the gas station in front of people.
He told my dad this:
"You're dead, Travis. Fucking dead,"
I was at school when all this happened. I wanted to come home.
I wasn't there to protect my family.
I felt so bad.
I needed my dad; I needed to see that he was okay.
But Mandie said to stay at school;
I was safer there.
I cried for about two hours.
Now I'm seventeen.
I'll be eighteen very soon.
Things have settled. They've left us alone and fled the southern part of Wisconsin.
But still, I think about how I couldn't protect my dad that day.
I still feel useless and like I could have done more...
He's still around obviously, but he might not be if he wasn't threatened in public.
For a friend I wish, but one with a heart pure
For my heart was burned, more than a time or two
A wall I erect, for my safety it must not fall!
Strong and sturdy I build, firmly planted in the ground
The vilest of creatures it must hold back
Near my gate you come, not expecting this village houses one
With eyes you look in, but the curtain is drawn and you see not deep within
Lest you see my weakness and with that attack
My arms I extend: Don’t get too close, stay beyond the end!
My palms I hold out, you must know that I’m afraid
Those who came before stabbed me in the side, and because of this now I hide
A friend I have not found, perhaps to trust I am now unable
For my trust was betrayed, more than a time or two
I’m just a puppet
No free will
nor the ability to sing
dancing through life
totally off beat
Heart pinched and stitched
head hanging in defeat
I sullenly dance to the piano
as it’s belting notes bittersweet
The children loose their smiling eyes
as the music man sadly whispers goodbye
But I hold my place
a torn punching bag
broken, beaten, bruised, a pathetic disgrace
Eyes glossy and iridescent
staring aimlessly at the walls
mind filled with sights unpleasant
I long to have
the prettier days
of gumdrops and rainbows
honeydew and constant praise
dreaming of the sun beating down on my shining face
my heart no longer light as a feather
but heavy as lead
just wanting to close my eyes
and lay down my head
Forever plastering a smile
yet praying to be dead.
Your body feels like it is covered in butterflies,
Like every moment I touch it, could be fleeting
That you could disappear within seconds
Your presence feels misleading,
I am holding onto the clothesline of words,
You strung together, for me to hang my hopes on,
Wanting just to be strong, I smile
But who am I trying to convince...
We both know, I would be lost without my butterfly prince