it’s okay to not be okay.
you can say what you want.
But it’s just not your day.
You can say you fine,
but you know it’s fake
people ask what the want and you smile and wave,
but for their sake
you try to be positive.
Which sometimes hurts.
but sometimes there is the flicker
of happiness and laughter.
But when it’s over you realize.
And you’re not okay.
And that’s okay.
I love you
I pushed you
I love you
I lost you
I love you
You used me
I love you
You played me
I love you
You said you loved me
I loved you
You lost me.
You used to kiss me like
the sun kissed the moon.
You used to hold me
You let go,
like a child lets go of a kite
on a strong windy day.
You didn't even chase after me,
until I was too far gone.
Like the sun chases the moon.
You made me feel, dumb, stupid, used
without meaning to.
I loved you.
You didn't make me feel loved.
I guess forever doesn't mean forever
and soul mates aren't infinite.
I'm sorry means nothing anymore
and I don't even care.
Like the sun and the moon...
we don't need each other
You'd melt me to a puddle,
And stomp through me in boots,
Then politely clean me up,
No wonder I was confused.
A small collection of water,
Weak and backless with no voice,
Stomped through, walked on,
I forgot I had a choice.
Once a passive puddle,
But now I am the rain,
Do you know what rain erases?
No more power over me,
I'll choose when I fall,
And by fall I mean pour,
And by pour I mean stand tall.
I have these fingers
that are slower then my thoughts
in my mind I am afraid
that I will get caught
in the tangle of a world that trys to kill me with every swirl
my world is neither turned upside down
but rather reverse
in the way I walk
with the things I say
but all I couldn't do was talk
I dont want to ask for help
But instead scream within my eyes
that I am not alright
and would like some company right next to me
I cant even ask for that
cause I have issues that include trusting ones who can love
I want to fix this by myself
but I know better then to go looking somewhere else
and all I need is just to breath and tell myself I'll be okay
I don't know what it is
that shackles my ankles and my arms and my heart to the bed
that every time I have to get up I feel like I leave a piece of me behind
that every time I see sunlight I can feel weight on me
and maybe things are okay
no rain taps on my windows
no shouting is heard through the walls
no devastating stories are to be heard
and the clunky shoes are not so bad today
and my jacket is freshly washed and warm
and everything is in its place
and the radio plays all the good songs
nothing is really wrong
and yet it is 8am and all I feel is the cold bite of the airconditioning and fear
fear that I can go wrong and all eyes will be on me
fear that they will be overly confident in who I am that they forget that I am human
fear that I have to keep this smile on for long
and yet it is 1pm and all I want is a hand to hold
so instead I write down my remaining notes
I try to pretend my life is put together
highlighting important words in my too-new planner
and yet it is 3pm and I try to lull myself to sleep
saying goodbye to who I'm talking to because it's only polite
listening to songs I know too well
trying to find a way to drown the scratchy lines in my mind
it is dark when I wake up
and I feel more exhausted than before
and there are messages for me waiting
and yet I don't answer them at all
I pull myself up and I stare at your name
it has been a while since we really talked
I don't want to start anything
since the last time, we only lasted for mere minutes
and I don't know how to handle losing the only one who really knew me
I don't know how many times I have tried and failed with you
but I know how you talk to people
and I know that you don't want to talk to me
dinner is not much better
they question the things I do and the places I go
so how can I explain
that I don't want to stay here
and be given the chance to be alone
they say that I can easily pass the exam
they say that I can do these things for sure
when I know that I will be lost there
and be the very first one to disappoint
and people keep saying hi
how are you?
and I am tempted to tell them
but decide not to burden them with my darkness
I appreciate who they are
I appreciate the fact that they care
I love them for trying to connect with me
I love them for thinking about me, even for a moment
but why is it
that every time I tell them I'm doing better
I cry even more?
and it's 8:15pm and nothing is helping
not the jokes or the songs or the video clips
all I can think is how easy it could be to go
all I wonder is about who might notice first
if I fall from the graces of a heaven on earth
my everything crushing who I was
if I let my emptiness be filled with water instead
my words sinking with me
I told myself I wouldn't do that
I told myself I would never let myself get to that
yet here I am
my insides ripped out
the light I once knew gone
how can I tell people
that I hold hands because I am scared
needing to have someone to hold onto
needing to be reassured that they are there
how can I tell people
that I want to be held
held in the silence of all the words I forgot how to say
held despite of how I crumble
because I know that everything comes and goes
and yet this feeling has never left
and I don't know how to answer the question
are you okay?
when I don't know if anyone can hear my whispered
I'm not okay
and I don't know when I'll be.
Do you know what it feels like to fall out of love? to be a stranger in the world once more?
its an odd feeling to have memories of a life that doesnt belong to you now.
walking past places and seeing that memory of that place you used to adore.
you look back and while you know what all happened, you dont really know how.
feels like you exist in another dimension, an extension of comprehension that gives you a new intention.
you start seeing everything so differently, you excape the captivity and emerge from invisibility.
its at the point that you knwo you're gonna okay that you have hit the ascension.
you realize your true capability and work towards your own reassembly.
you feel the tides changing and the moon phasing.
with each inhale your thoughts reorganize.
you start walking forward as the path is rearraging.
and you realize that you can visualize the otherwise unrecongnized.
that you've only cut the ties of what suppressed your progress.
but now you possess the equation for success.