anxiety is an elusive term.
"anxious for this performance"-
anxious isn't momentary,
anxious is a lifestyle.
anxiety is an elusive state
those who do not live in a bubble
do not understand the fear of living beyond it
those who do not feel that compulsion
precisely where they are
to rest until they can move
to never be able to move
to suffocate beneath
their best friends, the bedsheets.
anxiety is an elusive idea.
every time it feels as though it is tangible,
every time it feels as though you could simply grab it
and rip to shreds,
every single fucking time,
exactly how you do.
running from anxiety is impossible
because you can never be as elusive as anxiety.
Take me away,
To a place of no pain,
A place full of love,
A place full of grace.
Take me to the flame,
Bring me the fire.
Don't want the shame,
Only my desire.
Where is my call,
When is my time?
Why try to stall,
Why try to hide?
Just want to leave,
No one will know.
Wish I could flee,
But I'm stuck in your zone.
Give me the rash,
Give me the burn.
Better than trash,
Better to learn.
Let me try,
Let me fail.
Don't care if I sigh,
Losing my sail.
It may not last,
You'll have to leave.
But I'll still laugh,
I'll still sing,
When I remember the times,
When I still have the dreams,
Knowing the lines,
Recalling the things.
They play in my head,
Like a sweet lullaby.
Everything they said,
Every tear I'd cry.
I'm praying for hope,
Asking for peace.
So I don't grow cold,
Just cause it's me.
I participate to fit in
I cower behind faceless masks
People without expression
And perfection in apathetic task
Chilled to death of different thoughts
But I hear it breaking, breaking, breaking
A distorted grin on the mask is wrought
A fracture from once believing
Reflecting what I dreaded to show
People stare and scorn
A smile on my porcelain mask now glows
The new face is rejected once more
I hide inside my dusty mind
The mist has come to shield my eyes
I write a song in the fog on the glass
And dream of when I'll see at last
Dream of when these chains will freeze
And Hell will come to rescue me
I hope for days like the sky hopes for stars
To come out and multiply and heal its scars
I hide within myself today
Blinding bruises decorate my face
Yet I've survived the storm somehow
And I dream of when I can finally shout
The day is past and night can come out
I cant stay by you
I’m an extrovert but this, i cant do.
My personality should allow me to
But yet still I’m off a bit, I’m something new.
The longer i stay here
The more i can feel the tears
Are they going to stream down my face?
But when it comes to holding back, I’m an ace.
When it comes to hiding things
I can jump through all the hoops, and all the rings.
I can easily put up a face if i want
And you won’t be able to find anything no matter how much you hunt.
My goal is to leave
I know it makes everyone seethe.
‘Course that only helps me
You’re encouraging my behavior without being able to see.
But you deserve it
Because you make my head ring
In my head it sits.
Waiting for the bell to go “ding ding ding”
I cant keep fighting these demons
It’s not worth it for some fun.
I half want to stay and i half don’t
Because no matter how much i love you,
These demons are making me choke.
a few weeks ago
i was going through
some youtube videos
and found a video of wanda jackson
and jack white on letterman
then i found another more recent one
probably from last year
she was singing in what looked like a school gym
where is jack white now i thought
where the fuck is jack white
did wanda jackson get too old for him
jack white is nowhere to be found
now that she's eighty
is eighty how long you have to wait
for shit to get real
shit got real for him
when wanda turned eighty
shit's gotten way too real for me
walking past the same parking garage
where i pulled out of 13 years ago
into huge dents and scrapes
on the passenger side
of a black honda that got stolen
8 years later
i looked up her heart trouble album
i had been listening to heart trouble
when i pulled out of that parking garage
into dents and deep scrapes
on the passenger side
i was too cool to care
when the man got out of his truck
dismayed at the damage
i said no, that had always been there
but didn't bother to really look
finding out later, of course
shit just gets so eighty
when wanda jackson plays her pink guitar
back to my heart trouble
the songs on that album
only had a few hundred views
Destiny left me on the road
As the day invite the night
And night raised the day
My heart's too tired to go on
I let myself to listen to shawn(mendes songs)
That who'll be awake til the dawn
Sun shows openly itself
But I'm finding a side to hide myself
This reminds me to repeat maybe
To tell don't take hard, hey you crazy
I run, they chase.
Genetically modifying the master race. We are trapped, for it will always knows your face.
Anytime and any place.
Facial recognition in your private space. Never overlook a clue and never leave a trace.
For they will charge you with a premeditated sentence.
Can we comprehend this as our fate, while others are being hurdled through these prison gates.
Everyone can run but we'll never be hidden.
This kind of knowledge is completely forbidden.
We are the enemy as ponds set in place. So I run, yet they chase.
I didn't want to write this but I need to put it out there.
Depression is something I have been living with all my life, and something all my family has as well. I've watched it eat away at everyone I love in a way that I cannot express even if I tried. I guess I feel the need to write this so you won't feel as alone in this as I sometimes do.
There are some days when getting out of bed isn't an option.
There are some days I can't brush my hair or even take a shower.
Things I need to do never get done because I'm "lazy".
I sleep for so much longer than I should,
I have random outbursts and bad days and days where doing anything at all feels as if I'd stepped onto the hottest coals disguised as solid ground.
Even simple tasks are too taxing for me to even try.
I've always been pretty articulate on the page but this is a pain that even I can't accurately describe.
What everyone doesn't understand, and needs to, is that I don't want to be this way and I'm sure no one else does.
I desperately wish to live differently and to not know this suffering.
Knowing that you can easily do these things to take care of yourself, but never doing them because you physically can't handle getting out of bed.
I don't want to stay inside and isolated forever, and that's my problem. I do it anyway.
It's torture when someone asks to hang out or do something and I have to say no.
It hurts to watch them disappointed in me once more.
I want to go, I just.... Can't.
Depression takes a bigger toll on me than anything else and no one seems to notice. I go on and pretend that I'm okay so no one feels uncomfortable. It is a touchy subject, I get it.
Why do I hide my depression so well?
Because I'm ashamed of it.
I genuinely do not want anyone to see me like I am now, awake so early in the morning, sobbing for no reason.
This is a side of me that exists and I just can't hide it anymore. Because I know other people live like this too and I need them to know they're not alone.