Must we do the same
Thing day in and day out.
Make the most of every opportunity.
Time is precious.
What we don't value is our own soul.
Our decision now determines
Our destiny in eternity.
You are too hard on yourself for your past. You need to look at what you have now and your future.
I may have not had the best child hood but you are doing your best to make up for "lost" time.
I apologize for watching as my father beat you, and not calling the cops. I'm sorry that all I did is run away, hide in the room, and cry. I remember countless times of him hitting you, pushing you around, and calling you every name except for the one he should be calling you by.
I remember him slamming your legs in the door. I remember you hiding bruises and making up excuses for him. You where bound by drugs and "love" that you couldn't wrap your head around to walk away.
I watched countless times as you tried to walk away, but walking away is not that simple. Every time he seemed to find his way back. I remember as we begged you to leave him time and time again.
I now realize that he degraded you so much that you felt worthless that you felt you had fallen down to his level. That he was the only person you felt that could love and support you the way you were.
After years of him destroying your self esteem I know how hard it was for you. When you finally left him. I was gone to Florida, and when I got back I was told what happen. I remember a elephant being lifted off my shoulders, I could once again breathe. Hoping that this time was for good.
That year we bounced around from place to place more times than I can remember, once living in a camper. I didn't care where we stayed; I knew it was better than what we have been in. You struggled to keep me a place to sleep you cared for me and loved me.
On my 15th birthday you were checked into rehab for the last time. You struggled to stay in there your whole time even with every one there supporting you. I remember coming to visit you and your personal changing. You where happier, you where learning to respect yourself, and trying to love yourself again.
I know that when you got clean you felt as if I was pushing you away but I was not meaning to. I was trying to adjust, I am still adjusting. This was all new for me. I apologize for not being able to adjust quicker, to forgive faster, and love stronger. You are my mother I will always love you. If it wasn't for you I would not be where I'm at today. Thank you, mommy.
I could not be more proud of who you are today. I want you to forgive yourself from your past. I want you to love yourself like you never have before. You are strong and you can do anything you put your mind to. You have went through some of the worst things on this earth, and survived.
The only thing I want to happen for you now is to get baptized at your church.
The sea has a way of forgiving
without apologizing for anything.
She swims far from humanity
yet she invites us in,
she pulls at our sands
and it lulls us to relief
while offering sustenance
and cold, sweet belief -
but when she wants us out,
she throws us like ships,
pieces of a hard-lost board game,
and if we try to resist her,
she takes us in,
and she apologizes,
but does not forgive us.
Letting you go is like closing a book I never intended to finish,
Not because the book was terrible,
But because I was captured in it,
Putting the book down meant the possibility of losing your place.
I was captured by you,
From your ginger beard,
To your love of guns.
We would sit in the car for hours talking,
We would talk about the people who changed us,
The people who loved us,
And the people who hurt us.
The hardest part about putting down a book is knowing that even if you get the chance to pick it back up it won’t be the same.
Would it be selfish of me if I wanted you to look for me in everything that you do? If I wanted you to smile every moment you thought of my name? If I wanted you to come back to me one day, asking for my love? That same love I repressed for so long because it loved too much. That same love that taught me the meaning of patience and forgiveness. Because I'd be so ready to give it to you.
When my cold, gray body lay in dark wet ground
In that day when my voice no longer sounds
Remember me who loved you more
Remember me who loved you most
(And meet someday on heaven’s shore)
You and I as partners have run the Kingdom road
For us to leave and forsake
were not mere words
We followed His grace and heard His voice
Stored up treasure in the life to come
please forgive me
If for a moment I lost sight of heaven’s prize
and in my weak folly
was lowered in your eyes
Walk backward my love and forget those days
Walk backward with a mantle of grace
and let love cover my naked shame
Remember me who loved you more
Remember me who loved you most
the silence after a fight threatens me to ask if you're okay. but i know you aren't, so i don't ask anymore. though i want to hold you and tell you that if i could have your hurt in my hand and throw it across the sky, i would make it rain.
there are heights we go through to hurt each other, the effort is much appreciated after we fall from them. but imagine what we could do if we started climbing our expectations.
things we know by heart soon become things we know by bruises and a sting on the back in the morning. try as we might, there is now a history here and as we ignore it, there will only be more to follow. it scares us both to the point that we have to sleep on the floor on opposite sides of the bed. in different rooms. across different cities.
there was a four letter word and it began with you, maybe there were three words and eight letters. but i wouldn't want to give you that satisfaction anymore, wouldn't i?
we won't help ourselves when it comes to someone new. our favorite past times are now replaced by looking for reasons why we don't deserve other people. and for every reason, a flower in our hand. for every flower, a eulogy. though i am not as strong as to speak to your remains, i will appreciate you in graveyards with gardens in my hand.
i could not keep my teeth together when you speak to me through dead air. you give my mind only white noise to filter into miscommunication. ears only drum your words as impulses you won't remember. i won't either. we are locked in liminal silence, there is no key nor a lock. there are only rough translations of our understanding on past intentions, so we do not speak. we wave farewells. this is the best we do when we try to act decently towards each other.
i question my own mouth. there is no denying that it is a gun and all i do is shoot. i know not all of my words will hit you and i am just another game of russian roulette. and we both know what's at stake. i try my best at taking aim against my own bets. but how can i, when the target is more lethal than the trigger?
there was a silence after the fight that threatened me to ask you to leave. no further reasons. i hope you know the sun finally rose on my side of the bed. i just wish you had taken the rain with you.
every bullet in this poem is loaded into my mouth. i will save them for when you kiss me and when you do, i might put the safety on. i don't think i can shoot.
Depression is an addiction
A saddists representation
Of what is a fascination
You want love without pain
But you end up with pain and no love
No this isn't freedom you don't end it with a white dove.
You're happy but you're fighting that feeling
To rip your skin till its tingling
And you know your okay
But the pain could return any day
And you long for that certain kind of sadness
That energy you get from all the badness
And your mother said no
But your heart said don’t let go
And you’re fighting a war inside your head
And the place to find rest isn’t your bed
You prey, you pray
You let go of the fray
But you don’t fall
God is that you? Am I dead? Is it true?
Why child don’t you see? I sent my son to save thee.
You’re not dead. Not even near.
I’ve come to take away all your fear.
Oh God I don’t deserve this.
This heavenly abyss.
I’ve done wrong for all to long.
I don’t deserve your love. I don’t deserve to be up above.
Child be at peace. Your sin is yet to cease.
You are human are you not?
Or have you forgot?
But my mercy is abundant
And you’ve yet to pass your judgement
Child I will give you what you seek
If you may ask me, if you’re not too meek.
Father, forgive me, all I have is yours
It may not be much but I’m down on all fours.
Child I forgive you, but this is your cue
Go out and spread my word
My beautiful song bird
My body burns still,
How could you turn
When I yearn still.
Life is a lesson,
Guess I got to learn still.
Burnt-out but I burn still.
Lust disguises Love
And Hate Sings loudly,
Broke me - like tobacco smoke me. but you still stand proudly.
You should still love yourself,
Even if I resent every twist and fold,
Before one warms they must feel cold.
But I still love you,
Fuck it's true I still love you.
Still I walk paths that are new.