In final autumn heat,
Two weeks after apple picking,
The bushel baskets sag,
Laden with the summer's pickings.
Growing sadness clings to me.
I sort the dead and dying
From the thinning lot,
Fearing loss of all to rot.
The first to go,
Soft and brown,
Nearly fall apart,
Require gentlest touch;
Leave healthier neighbors
Wet, in danger of early death.
In separating them,
I hold my breath.
On spotted skins I then
Look for inner decay:
From bird bites and beetles;
The evidence of worms'
Varicose trails, faintly brown,
Just visible beneath the skins,
Revealing company within.
My eye looks inward first, then out.
I know what this malingering's about;
The cankers that I seek may find me out.
Hesitation clouds my separations;
I wonder what a paring knife might do
To save some portion,
To spare the summer work
Of apple trees.
I wonder, does the apple
Dread the knife, considering strife
As much as I, when I confess my sin
And writhe beneath the penance
My sinning puts me in?
Dark puffs under my eyes
Begs me to sleep tonight
But there are so many whys
That keeps me awake every night
My mind cannot rest
As the reasoning of whys linger
I tried to divert first
But somehow it kicks back like a winger
The past and present haunts
The so called journey till to date
Has been full of sadness and taunts
And the mistreatment full of hate
There is no love, no forgiveness
No understanding, no care
Just devilish acts and forgetfulness
The relationship was so unfair
I tried to chase away the culprit
Residing in my own dark heart
Yet, my attempts failed to forget him
Who initially broke me apart...
For all the times I should have said,
I love you very much.
For all the times I should have,
Given a reassuring touch.
I do not make excuses now,
On this great date of love.
But ask for your forgiveness,
As God looks on from above.
I yearn for it to control my heart
I thirst for it like I do water
It's the one thing I can't seem to find
If I do I'll pour it out like a shower
And free us all from this monster.
My mind is an instigator
It always remembers what they did to me
And I wonder how many of us are actually prisoners
To the brain's manipulative power and ability
To forget that love conquers all.
I pray forgiveness invades my heart like a settler
And makes resentment forget it ever owned me.
I pray for hate to be purged out of my system
Because all I want to be is a true witness
To beauty and love in the form of human beings
So hateful but so loved
So underserving yet so forgiven.
Replace rain with forgiveness
So I can grow my garden of love
In gorgeous hues only you can create
White, black, brown and yellow.
I want to love them all.
I yearn for forgiveness to control my heart
I thirst for forgiveness like I do water.
I wish that I'd been there for you
Through our lost and lonely years
To care for you to love you
To softly dry your tears
But that was not what happened
I pushed you out of my way
As I burned all my bridges
And let pain take full sway
I ignored the silent question
There was nothing I could say
Who would want to understand
The high price I chose to pay
I couldn't look you in the face
See hurt staring from your eyes
I turned around and ran away
I guess you were not surprised
Hell bent on self destruction
I walked my path all alone
I surrendered to my demons
I knew every hope had gone
What had I left to live for
In a world I could not bear
When I begged aloud to die
I believed that no one cared
And yet you did not desert me
You came and held out your hand
Lead me out into the light
That was not what I had planned
You loved me back to happiness
Taught me what it is to live
To keep heaven in your heart
How much we can forgive
If it takes a thousand lifetimes
I could never make amends
But know I won't stop trying
I will love you till the end
I dread each eve so filled with grief
A heart benumbed in disbelief
I rant, I rave, I cry, I pray
Why does my angel so betray?
In bed I stare awake all night
Frigid with fear, orphaned plight
I pinch and zoom and try to clutch
To reconnect - one last touch!
I'm haunted by that blessed call
When you hit the dreaded "wall"
I pray you're on the other side
Free of pain, strength in stride
Another morn, another fright
Sleep escapes, emotional blight
O Mom, I hope you hear my plea
From my demons set me free!