You were young when you first tried meth
Your babysitter told you to do it fast
She had to leave.

God was your refuge
When your mom would turn on those shows
The ones with the gore, that she knew would scare you to your knees

You are talking to me on the stairs at rehab
Smoking a butt that you found in the big metal ashtray
You have to do it fast
You have to leave.

You burst out that you like my coat
There's a red one that you nabbed from your sister
For your daughter
If someone asked you to deny God or they'd shoot her
You wouldn't deny Him
There's a grey one you wear every day
Even weeks later when I run into you at a doctor's appointment
When your mascara smears and you wish someone would have told you

There's a red one
There's a grey one
You have to leave

When I was knee high to nothing
I asked inquisitive questions...

And with those answers I became me..

I would want too, if now, I asked the question??

If you are which you say? why so many books!!

If reality was based, wouldn't one book suffice,
But you made conflicting interests, like baiting
a hook. Why do we have to be slaves to ourselves
always begging on knees. To those of confused
reflections seeing you in themselves, but all the time
wording it to make them hate, difference of man
and woman others not he same as me?
but you conflict with love and preach the other thing.

If I was to ask one thing?

"Were grown now, out of the cradle of insecurities,
"Are hand needn't be held, were stronger without you,
"I am me, not a reflection of your confused morality,

I used to bow my head
and fold my hands
and close my eyes
the rules were very important
                 the game was to play by the rules
to watch your mouth
                       wear shorts under your dress

never lie
                never yell
        in dreams
                             that bearded menace
sat on the Golden skyline
                               and wrote down
what I had done wrong
                 the rules I had broken
and screamed my sinners song
into small ears
    that night, I climbed the staircase,
        I would fly,
                         I had planned to fly.
        every cell lifted me to the top of the
       staircase with the eagerness of the adventure
I got to the top
            stood on the rail
    balanced like a swan
                          and as my young knees bent
to leap to the sky
                             above the black lit dark,
  I heard that law mans
                                    booming dissent
Jillian, don't play God
                                         and I didn't.

sitting in a coffee shop
a man is grinning while
he stares at his laptop
the light from the screen
reflects off his glasses
and his eyes are great
white orbs and he
smiles and smiles and
all I can think is
that I will never
hear you sing again

When I dusted off the counter today
I found something that was lost before

Jesus was there by the sink,
sitting down right next to the toaster
he looked at me and asked for a coaster
he and the cherubs were drinking diet soda,
and watching the ants eat my sugar

I asked him three questions
and hear what they are
why are you sitting by the toaster?
why in the hell would you want my coaster?
didn't I ask you to leave last summer?

Jesus said he wanted to live in my heart
first the counter
then my heart
what's next Jehova, my first born child?

yes actually he said, before he snorted and growled
I really do want your first born child
would you like a brochure for heaven?
its pretty wild there, and the bread's all unleavened

No thanks
No thanks

It's Thursday
If it were Wednesday
It would be the same
again, you are not here
     I think to call someone else
and have regrettable sex
and forget you for a night
but I don't
I'm tired of it
I'll be alone
I think I'll sit by myself
    and talk to the gods
they don't exist
but they are nearer than you

wear your crown with pride
you were born into it
push men to the side
none of us ever owned it

we ripped off your african hair
none of us ever did deserve you
men ordered you to pick yourself up
then demanded to be served too

wear your crown with pride
you are the key to heaven's gates
god's messengers - not a man's wife
let each of us bow before you
as time was taken when our maker made you


No women should be subjected to a man's "needs". Women are God's perfect creation.

Oh God,
please forgive  me,
but I'm afraid
he's the one
I'll sin for.

Life is a prison
The rules are insufferable
All these fools who put forth
wisdom are just dogs
who make useless
mouth noises
Life is a prison
spinning, weaving, turning out
white lies that control
the species and drive
nature into the dark
divine not, listen;
can you hear the dogs of war?
who moderate the channels
keep the forum safe
from unorthodox ideas
chocking up new systems
freedom permanently outlawed
in fear of new world disorder
and marketplace collapse
no gods and no managers
kill them all with good manners
the planet has no memory
of the weak conformists
who take sanctuary
in the forest of lies
archivists overlook
priests and cowards
spaced out between
the tall flowers and barbed wire
Life is a prison
suspicious, pernicious
perennial ideas cast no vision
only lifelessness, lies, and dietary
restrictions, false predilections
spaced out between the emptiness
shadows and Christmas
Inner Revolutions
recycle the bodies
new generations rise
in this insufferable supermax
McDonalds and crack
rule this planet
so sit back relax
and listen to the voices
blackmailed by silence
high times are on their way
the prison guards say
fun is just another way;
the monk, Gurdieff
Jack Kerouac
has no place
at all anymore
Life is a prison
the rules are insufferable
no place for freedom
in fearsome pain
regret, spaced out
between the roses
and slow death

Ours sins were as scarlet, so we walked on red carpet
But that couldn’t hide, hide what’s inside
He exposed our sin, exposed our heart
Left us bleeding, a wound we couldn’t heal
But His needle was the cross, and His thread was the blood-the blood of the Lamb

From my book, "Aimless Wanderer"
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