Bullets fall from my mouth.
I bleed anger
And then embarrassment
I am resentful.
I resent the way you do not understand me
I resent the way you do not seem to try.
You don't understand the way that your words slice under my skin and nick my heart
I am tired
I am tired that you invalidate all the miles I've walked with bloody blisters in my pretty work shoes.
And I am tired of the way that
Bullets bleed from my mouth
I may have your heart, but it wasn't given.
I loved from the start, knowing it was forbidden.
Your words were empty, just like your soul;
I showered you with love but it fell through a hole.
Through one ear and out the other,
When I try to make a move you always falter.
What do I need to do for you to look at me?
what do I need to say for you to listen to me?
Every step I take forward, you always take a step back.
I'm slowly getting tired, for I don't know what I lack.
Despite the fatigue, I still weep gently at night behind closed doors;
It is not a guarantee, but I hope that one day I would be called yours.
The emptiness surrounds me.
I feel myself fading in the background.
Don't give up.
SCREAM...if you have to!
Where's your animal instinct to survive?
It's so quiet,
I just want to play dead.
Isn't that how animals survive attacks?
I don't want to get eaten alive.
But I'm tired of running.
I wish I had a dark cave to hide in.
I'm getting attacked all the time.
I can't be brave all the time.
I want to rest.
My heart feels heavy.
Somebody please step in and shield me.
I need a break.
Can I pretend this is all a bad dream.
I'll close my eyes and when I wake;
I hope this nightmare is over.
There's no silver linings
No light at the end of the road
And I've been searching
...all on my own
The trees are losing thier leaves
Much like I am losing my hair
And the grass is growing it's weeds
And I'm seeing things that aren't there
Its these chemicals balanaced in my mind
That prompts me to find
Such sad little beings
Who love and live
As thoughts in my mind
I'm seeing faces in the shadows
Love in darkness
And happiness with the smoke in my lungs
And I'm done
So done with this constant ache
This soreness in my head
This brutal awakening
That I am dead
Not physically so because I still breathe
But inside of me, I bleed
I look in the mirror
And hate what I see
"Well change yourself!"
But that isn't me
And now I'm slumped on the couch
Listening to slow songs
Watching the room spin
Out of control
Wishing these thoughts weren't there
Another late night
I struggle to sleep
My cold, pale, heart
And a million broken dreams
Another late night
I'm stuck here alone
Agony chews the skin
Straight to the bone
The stitches in my chest
Have begun to divide
Blood gushes from my soul
Drowning me deep inside
Another late night
Eyes too tired to stay closed
My hopes dance away
With the shadows on the wall
I'll shut my eyes again
Try to sleep before dawn
Snag a few hours
Before they're all gone
Gazing wonders in the sky,
shine upon me and hear my cries.
I want to awake and free the fire in me.
Shatter the rain and sun!
Turn the shackles to ash and dust.
Through thunderous screams,
bury past my sad, sad eyes.
I'm so weary.
Sleeping soul, reach down and touch
and pull the flames.
Make still waters rage!
Though I am on rocky seas.
I want to consume and burn you all
Shatter and free!
My eyelids refuse to kiss, wide,
they retreat far into dirt and sky.
The bottom lid is too occupied
with the layers of black fudge
frosted below both my eyes.
The top cap, too green to budge,
starts a secret affair with the lady
wearing a fur scarf up on my ridge.
They prick with needles of hair
to make their once-kin bleed red,
but the only veins that appear
are on the black and blue gem
swaddled in my glossy white quilt,
cracks of lava in its wet soft nest.
My eyelids refuse to kiss.
They fight like street lights built
over the glow of neon signs.
My eyelids refuse to kiss,
but my lashes grow lush.
When the sun rises again,
an eclipse covers them
with a final wink, a touch.
You are my angel,
For, you pulled a sword from my soul,
And used it to rid me of danger.
You walked with me,
Held me high.
Helped disperse the pain,
The tempting thoughts in my mind.
But you were not done with me yet.
It became clear to me there was no danger.
That you rid me of “danger” so that you could leave me with nobody—
You weren't walking with me.
You were dragging me along.
Waiting for the opportune moment to find a better man,
Take away my life, my hope,
And you were my angel.
For, you pulled a sword from my soul.
But all you did was insert it back where you found it,
Left no trace as if you never existed,
And expect me to be whole.
While in reality, you left me nothing but empty, confused,