A poet's hand
No more words
Shall take the stage
upon the page
He'll not increase
the wick again
Nor call upon
His sleepy pen
The ink will keep
While they each
In his den
A soft breeze
Empty silhouettes gather around
my footsteps sweeping me in the
current of what's expected of me.
I'm not a reflection of you, no matter
the pressures, pushing me into a tide
of despair, I'm going under do you care.
Collecting my discomfort, I etch it word
for word. Anxiety drains from my wrists
flowing within each syllable, scaring paper.
Ill never be a perfect copy of your footsteps,
drained of self, I'm a fractured reflection.
I'm tired, I need to be a reflection of me.
sitting blankly in this chair again,
feet planted firmly on this patterned carpet.
the air conditioner hums softly,
pulling me with the soft cushion of coldness.
exhaustion drags my eyes down,
away from the glaring lights of this screen.
voices droning on in the background,
smiles, handshakes, "how do you do?"'s.
the ringing phone sounds like one big sigh,
i suppose it's just another Monday.
Your message was heard by those who have felt
the numbness crawling from a face within.
sometimes i am a
relentless, untiring, wave that
ebbs and flows to the
shore, back and
forth, back and
but today i am
evaporating from the
sea to the sky, yes, i
have surrendered and
turned myself into
a possessive sun.
love are now my
rays that i won't let
you kiss and have
i am tired, tired, tired,
of going back
and forth, back
and forth without
receiving what i
They say that once you've actually decided all you feel is peace.
Is that where I am now?
Did I cross a line five miles back
and not even notice it? I remember how
all the pills felt and I remember I felt like the world was finally right
Maybe some people are born to suffer.
They said that it's a sign when you start to give things away but I don't have anything left to hand out
and maybe my heart made itself up before it told my mind.
I know I have too many doubts
but honey in this moment it's enough and I have everything.
I'm ready to go now, I've seen everything of this terrible cruel world that I have ever wanted to see
and I think that if I had gone earlier I wouldn't have missed anything
because nothing better has found me
and you know I'm not good at hide and seek
especially when I feel invisible and I'm not sure anyone else is playing.
Can I quit the game now?
I'm tired and I want to lie down and not wake up again.
Can it be enough for you that I love you?
because you never asked me to stay or I would.
Out of duty, if nothing else, but also because I can't tell you something that I know isn't true.
And I know this is, that in this moment everything is enough,
and I am enough
and the world is at peace,
and I am not afraid.
I'd like to pick my moment to die
and I think I'd pick one like this, where it's not okay.
Nothing is okay
and nothing feels good or comforting and I am all alone
but it feels like it does when you hold your breath-
before you run out of air-
in the seconds where you think maybe you didn't need to breathe, maybe you didn't need anyone to call.
because suddenly you have everything you need
And it's both enough and nothing at all.
I am tired of the notion
That my bad days outnumber my good
Because I am not trying to improve
I am tired of having to explain
How I feel
Why I feel
Why I don’t
I am tired of you saying you want to understand
Of you wanting to hear every detail,
No thoughts left unsaid
I am tired that when I begin to let you in
You start to pull away
You say my heart is too dim
I am tired
Of everyone telling me to stay
When they don’t want to deal
With the worst parts of me
I am tired of the notion
Is seen as romanticizing
When all I want is for it to go away
There is nothing fucking romantic about this
I want to get better.