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Edged laughter of teachers,
bone-tired from the joy-slog weeks passed,
speaks of an adult relief,
R and R for bruised hearts and knocked heads

Coming off the front line,
hard fought thought-inches precariously gained,
we sit in living room street cafes,
flowing vin du table,
inhaling rest like Gauloise

The distant classroom thud and rumble never fully fades,
echoed in sandbags of intelligence to be pored over
deciphered, summarised in triplicate,
for later summits

But it will wait

For now, we’ll catch a show, an eye,
maybe even a lie of peace,
for one duvet-warm morning

Soon, we’ll be back to inspecting boots,
buttons, buckles, sharpened pens ready,
waiting for the whistle
Jay 2d
your "daughter" is depressed
I use daughter in that way because
I still haven't worked up the courage to tell you
because I wouldn't expect you to understand the discomfort
the yearning desire for something I'm not
because allowing you my dearest thoughts
would have you
assume control of a brain I wish were locked away
into a cell with no key
so I ask
were you aware that your child suffers
from a disease that spreads but doesn't
a bitter substance that has living unbearable
and I can't breathe, mom
because I spent so long fighting my brain
I assumed there would be strength but
rather I'd have darkness consume me than
continue the battle for light
I ask once more
did you know I wasn't happy?

I feel the cracks pulse
Though they lay so skin deep
I'm so weary
And fearful
And then I wonder, why
Why do I seek healing from
the thing or things
that harmed me most?


Jay M Mar 2019
"How are you?"

"Are you okay?"

They constantly question.

"I'm fine"

"I'm just tired..."

T     errible
I   nvisible
R  epulsive
E ntangling
D  owncast

F ailure
I diotic
N  aïve
E   rror

Why lie?
Because if I didn't,
All would crumble,
Crashing down upon me,
And all surrounding.

- Jay M
March 20,th 2019
I don’t want to move
All I want to drink is *****
All I want to do is snooze
I think the screws in my head are loose

My room reeks
I haven’t cleaned for weeks
My body’s turning weak
But my family didn’t hear a squeak

I don’t know when it started
Suddenly my life went upended
Am I becoming a sloth?
Or living is just a bore?
I don’t know what to feel. I am freaking tired.
Time keeps passing by
No word from you ever since
I am tired of waiting
When will this end?
Meet me in my dreams
That will be my closure
Do not forget me
I want you to suffer
idk why I keep thinking about them
need to be small
             need to be held
  my chest screams sobs and rebels

Its hardly real;
of it I won't make more.
i love and startle myself...
well ..I try to ignore...

you know, i startle and
          try to outrun
            all the things I adore!
I told myself
"I will have a great day"
We tell ourselves things that are so cliche
but makes us feel even more isolate.

Despite the positive affirmations
I felt so unmotivated and everything I did or told myself I will do
made it feel like it was obligated.
Tony Tweedy Oct 15
In lethargies grip and restless mind,
I come again upon the day.
Where demons of my minds design,
find acres bare to frolic and to play.

An emptiness that invades my core,
until only black thought dwells in there.
Where tiredness is all I can feel,
and darkest depression is thoughts heir.

No calming thoughts to ease my mind,
and no safety can my lost soul yet feel.
The endless sensation of putrid stagnation,
no layers to other emotions have I left to peel.

Foreboding and deep weariness dark as shadow,
accompanies each thought and task within my day.
And though I seek escape by non-participation,
against thought there is no strategy I can play.

Turmoil to life's patterns of sleep and wakefulness,
where a soul and mind each attacks my own mortality.
Until left with just one clear and rational thought,
Of how simple and complete my final escape can be.
Winning just gets harder.
Perhaps this exorcism will help yet again.
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