Aanika 1d

You said things,
these things that hurt
we thought something
you proved wrong
you tried to change,
It didn’t work
we left,
not turning back
you begged for forgiveness
she gave it
we went back
and forth
for years on end
you hurt us,
far too many times
yet she couldn’t leave,
not for good
one night,
everything changed
things were thrown along with words
I hid
police were called
Into custody you went
again
bruises covered her
my blood boiled
you begged again
and again
I had had enough
for a long time
I saw what you are
she didn’t
she cried for you
I comforted
she finally stopped going back
I wasn’t sure,
sure she wouldn’t waver
she tried
and tried
and tried
and didn’t go back...

My ceiling stares back at me as I yawn
My eyelids feel heavy yet I can't sleep
Yet here I am, wide awake

01:00 - The usual time
02:00 - The new normal
03:00 - I might miss my alarm if I don't sleep

I stare at my ceiling as I think
My thoughts are jumbled
Messed up, unclear

04:00 - Is there a point in sleeping at all
05:00 - Barely any sleep time left now
06:00 - An hour until I hear the song

Now there's no point at all
I rub my eyes and I yawn
Yet another sleepless night

The usual nights at this point
Leila Shearer Dec 2016

A simple sound
Containing thought
And emotion,
Some expressed
Most bound.

The only thing we can share
The only thing we will share
The only thing we have
Are words.

Words.
Words.
Words.

How tired I've become
Of meaningless muttering.

l.v.s

i’m tired
is what the depression is
sadness
loneliness
numbness

i’m tired
when i lay my head
on my desk at school
as if sleep will save my life
trying to fade out of the picture
as teachers yell at me

i would say to them
if i had the chance
i am sorry i’m tired
because i am
depressed
sad
lonely
numb

but all i do is
say nothing except
“i’m tired”
when it speaks
one million meanings to me
that only i
understand

Nature's weariness
Is reflected in my own
Shallow, little mind

i need to rip myself open to pour you out
i can hear you in my head and you’re so damn loud

because you’re an undeniable part of a very breakable me
but this just wasn’t how it was supposed to be

so if you don’t want me, you can’t have me at all
the stockings are tight and the wine glasses tall

and i’ll rip out the seams so it all falls apart
breaking away from you and saving my heart

because good god, i don’t want to feel this way anymore
it’s foggy minds and teary eyes and bathroom floors

if you don’t want me, you can’t have me at all
so i’m sorry but
i have to take you down and watch you fall

Cheyene 2d

"I'm actually kinda tired."
But I wasn't tired
I was hurting so bad
But I didn't want you to know
Just how bad you had wounded me
And just how much I couldn't let you go.
That I just lied to spare your feelings...
I actually couldn't sleep
C.k

Waking up to sweet lilac rays
The tingling sensation that carresses
My nostrils

I awaken, but my head is chained
To my bed

In solitude my body rests
But when it's solemn it rots
Under the lilac morning sun

Aleeza 4d

they say that there are things that you can never unsee
images forever burned into the folds of your brain
and yet I think that there are even more things that you can’t unhear
those things that you want to drown out with music you didn’t even know you had

like that song you’ve just found
and it is new to you and the words may not be that clear for now
but a part of you understands
a part of you feels the string of notes every single moment that song lasts
a part of you understands somehow

like cars passing by the street outside your house at midnight
they are mere whooshes in your dreamlike state
their lights stay for too little of a time
and you can’t help but wonder
of where they are rushing to or what place they go home to
whooshes on cement carrying stories you will never know

like the little crack of disappointment in a relative’s voice
when they learn that you want to be something other than what they want you to be
and you try to laugh it off
but it’s a sting you never thought you would feel again after all this time
and then suddenly how well you’ve been doing doesn’t seem to matter
every single time you thought your smiles could reach the sky doesn’t seem to matter
because how can achievements in a path they disapprove of be something to be proud of?
how can something you fit better into feel wrong?

like the soft ripping of a paper envelope as it’s opened
and you’ve been tense for months about this one thing
and here it is in black and white and colors you wanted to associate with a new beginning
but instead it is all of what your worrying nagged you about
it is the words of the voice in your head printed out on thin paper
here is where the world feels like it drops
the only sound is of the letter being put back into its envelope
gently willing it to disappear

like the silence of someone after you speak
and you hear everything else like a click of a pen or a shifting of positions
your mind runs over a hundred, a thousand things
maybe they didn’t hear what you said?
maybe they don’t want to talk about it?
maybe they don’t get what you’re saying?
maybe you should start a new conversation?
you understand that silence should not be regarded as something bad
but here you are
choked by the possibility of them thinking you’re annoying
and that voice tells you to shut up
however the silence makes nerves tumble out of your mouth
why can’t you stop?

like the dull tapping of your fingertips on a keyboard
it’s been a while since you’ve allowed yourself this
months of pushing down the emotions that tug at you
and all you want to do is punch the words out of you
but there is nothing in the muddle that used to serve you so well
there is nothing because the thought of doing this pulls you deeper into the abyss
how you loved doing this before the world decided to tell you you do it wrong
you may have said that this was a part of you
and it is now another part you have lost

like the short bursts of shouting that you hear every time you take out your earphones
and you are reminded yet again why you keep them in
you are so tired of the voices, so tired of the fighting
you hear the scrape of the dining room chair you’re in as you push away after a meal
and you know too well that that is the last sound you want to hear outside of the music you blast
sometimes you think about how a lot can be different if only some events did not happen
and it is cruel to think that but you do it all the same
life had been peaceful before
now ruined by something you don’t have control over anymore

like the soft music at a small gathering
and there is laughter and glasses clinking and the shuffle of everyone’s steps
you block out that thought in your head that digs its claws
but as soon as you are driving home and staring at the streetlights
everything hits you at 50 miles an hour
you wonder how long your smile stayed there
you wonder if anybody sees it falter
and you can’t even explain to anyone why this happens
because you don’t know the answer yourself

like the constant questions
about why you want to do this or why you’re like this
asking about what you’ve decided on after years of confusion and debates with yourself
and they are too curious, too questioning of how you came upon those decisions
they try to offer explanations of what they think can be better for you
and it is like they do not trust you to know what is best for yourself
they think that what you want and the way you identify yourself isn’t what should be
and all your life you’ve been told that you can’t be this and you can’t do that
so now what should you be?

like the thud thud of your tears on a pillow
and you don’t even know where it hurts anymore
all you know is that when you hold that plushie you’ve had forever
a thousand pinpricks run along your arms and your chest
breathing will never be easy and here you are
too aware of the sound of choking back your cries
because there are things that the world doesn’t have to know
and one of them is how there are days you fracture
after weeks of not even knowing what it is exactly to feel

like the goodbyes after a few hours of talking in a cramped café
you know you’ll see them again but there is an emptiness as you go home
a part of you acknowledges the fact that they aren’t that far away
another part feels the longing for another hour, another hug
you know of each other’s schedules and how it is not practical to keep meeting up
but you want to cling to something other than your pillows and your wavering sanity
and having them with you has helped in a way that you miss instantly
as you are once again plunged into the reality of it all

it is the clock ticks as you wait for something to end
it is the steadying breath you take as you reel yourself back from the hell of your thoughts
it is the song you now use as a lullaby when your system refuses sleep
it is the drum of rain against windows as you try to find yourself again

there are sounds I will never unhear
and there will be days that I can’t stand to be me
but there will be sounds that pull me back
there are days that I continue to fight the voices
and that is what I should always remember.

Myself 4d

I’m so tired.
I’m done loving you.
It’s exhausting to love someone who never seemed to love you back.
I’m tired of believing your words.
This is me saying goodbye.

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