No longer sitting to rot
Like bare bark against winter’s cold
Falling and crashing
After a storm

The ***** of lighting with a crash of thunder
Left me with nothing, nowhere, no one
Noticeably nervous and running
From a reality I did not want

I hid.
Trying to quietly comfort myself

My family, the sheet
Blinding me from
Feelings I could not hide

In our final days
When I felt us splitting like
The tears and tracks left
Across my thighs
With hatred
And fear

I looked back at the face in the mirror
Abandoned and angered
With anatomy I could not change
Long locks, curves, and society
Stared back in that mirror

Screaming that I would never be he

Skin slashed
And eyes wide
At a body I had broken
Because it was not mine
I would have to overthrow
All that I had been brought up to be

Rebel to be the he that was not she

I look back on the year behind me
filled with a continuous loop of mountains and valleys
the photos and scraps representing vivid memories
convention badges and hospital bracelets
bottles of nail polish and vials of blood
bonding over a restaurant meal with friends
and choking down a frozen dinner in a bout of fatigue
the moments of joy and devastation
sometimes i’m told i’m lucky
other times i’m told i’m strong
i’ve kept on moving either way
each minute is transformative
chipping away at the rock to create a new sculpture
a year is a lesson
an adventure
a journey

Loving
And being truly loved in return,
A warm kindling of a fire,
Is such a different feeling
Compared to the inorganic
slow burn
Of a lighter
Held to your heart
(Don’t panic)

I’m Longing and Learning.
Constantly, I’m yearning
For a man who isn’t mine.
A divine being- I find
The time is turning.
I’m older,
I’m bolder,
Unsure if you’ve grown colder.
Too frisky to care-
I dare to find someone
Completely new.
Tired of feeling blue for you.

Back then, I have been listening,
I was watching your eyes,
Blinded by a silver gleam.
You, you stood in the blessings,
With your sincerest lies,
Wounding me to my deepest seam.

And that's how childhood passed away,
With elves and villains that we thought would stay,
Maybe it was peace we had, this day.

Hello you, my unlasting best friend,
Hello you, my vision is still blurr,
Hello you, for you I can stand 'til the end,
If you don't forget who we were.

And now, you weren't listening,
You were caught in all of them,
The blind people in your heart.
You have kept on hiding,
You've been setting all the blames,
On my love from the start.

But don't take it seriously,
The time and I will pass, if you just wait you'll see,
You know that now you don't need me.
Oh love, that is how childhood passed,
With great wishes that couldn't stay or last,
And love, maybe I held you too fast.

Hello you, my feather in the ink,
Hello you, the sea in which I sink,
Hello you, I can stay with you, that's for sure,
If you don't forget who we were.

Children are...
rather innocent creatures
Or at least,
I,
in my protected, childhood of fairy tales
Princesses and superheroes and talking frogs
Was
My third grade diary when asked to name something precious
-Family
Unlike toys unbreaking
Keeps you happy and safe
Rather,
precocious I was at that
but still too much
-Naive

As I still am,
of course
See, the thing about adolescence
Is
Hormones raging, from crushes to bullying to acting out
The time when we
              Think
We're out of the                     Naive
                  Quite dangerous, really
Since, we're really Not

A whole butload of
                         "adult"
                               stuff I'll probably
Be subject to and
May have been earlier if not for
My reclusive tenancies
and lazy ways
and protected life


I say it,
In a careless manner
Trying to look cool, even in poetry
But, like, it's going to happen
I'm going to come face
to face
Have to make
a choice
And it's nothing to be intimidated about
I tell myself
Still,
Truly a question
to consider,

I'm assuming,
one day I'll mature
And when that day comes...

Will I still be the little girl
With the two bouncing pigtails
Scrunched up face
Pencil too tight grip
Recreating
Oval eyes, smiley lips, long hair
My nth drawing of a girl?

Mind uncluttered
with what could be
         what should be
         what would be
Only, what is
And what I want

Hmm...
But as the clock strikes twelve another day has gone by
and it's well past time for me to go to bed
Another year, past
More time gone by
More memories to reminisce about
But...
Also more to look forward to

The beginning of the semester your kicking ***,
The end of the semester your fading fast.
The beginning of the semester you future is bright,
The end of the semester dull dim light,
The beginning of the semester your papers write themselves,
The end of the semester you can barely spell,
The beginning of the semester it easy to get up,
The end of the semester you seldomly show up,
The beginning of the semester the professors the best,
The end of the semester their just like the rest,
The beginning of the semester the classes are fun,
The end of the semester your ready to run.
The beginning of the semester you major ballin',
The end of the semester you eatin' ramen,
The beginning of the semester you can sleep without worrying about anything,
The end of the semester you stay up all night drinking red bull and 5 hour energy,
The beginning of the semester to the day of your last,
I wish you good luck and I hope you pass.

I realized I had grown up
When I looked around for familiar faces
And I had found none.